Baby showers...

[Deleted]

Ok. I'm going to ask who are appropriate people to give and invite to baby showers? 

We we have a huge homeschool group. Literally every year several people are having babies. We have never held a baby shower before. 

One of the new to the group moms posted having a baby shower for another of the newer to the group moms. With a long list of needs. 

Pregnant girl has two other kids, same gender as coming one. She has not paid for several events lately, which I generally let slide. They are going on vacation and trying to buy land to build. 

I know about money being tight, but seriously, if that's the case, why have more kids? ... Not that I could EVER say that to group...

I do NOT want to set precidence for having multiple gimme grab feats every year as multiple people have babies... Especially since this isn't a first kid... 

So far no one has signed up to go... Which feels bad too, but urugh... 

Mostly I'm just venting. Anyway, do you think its inappropriate for just anyone to throw a shower? 

[alabamagal]

Doesn't seem like you would need much stuff for a 3rd.  Especially the same gender.

I would hold out and not sign up.

[Deleted]

I though it was usually 1 baby shower per couple...

You might get a second one if :
- there is a big age gap between the two most recent babies
- they are different sexes

I don't think you get a baby shower for each pregnancy but anyone can decide to throw you one for whatever season.

Invites go to:
- co-workers if it is being held at work
- outside of work : friends/family members of the mother to be and father to be.

I would not invite an complete stranger to our child baby shower while I would not have a problem inviting a complete stranger to our wedding.

I see baby showers as more intimate ... But I have been to two recent ones where it was basically an all out party.

[Shooby]

I don't know. What is the real point of a baby shower? Is it a stuff grab? Or celebrating a first time mother or what?
But yes once the ball gets rolling it might never end. So if you don't want to go then don't. No explanation required.

[Peace77]

The church that I attended when I was pregnant held baby showers for the first baby in the family.  

I attended a baby shower for a young woman in a wives group.  

Anyone can can give a baby shower.  

But, the recipient should be a first time Mom or have special circumstances such a military family who got rid of baby things prior to a move.  Or, a family having multiples even if they had some baby things, having 3 or more babies at once would necessitate more baby things than one baby.

[Sunnyday]

May 26, 2014 9:33:34 GMT -5 oped said:

Ok. I'm going to ask who are appropriate people to give and invite to baby showers? 

We we have a huge homeschool group. Literally every year several people are having babies. We have never held a baby shower before. 

One of the new to the group moms posted having a baby shower for another of the newer to the group moms. With a long list of needs. 

Pregnant girl has two other kids, same gender as coming one. She has not paid for several events lately, which I generally let slide. They are going on vacation and trying to buy land to build. 

I know about money being tight, but seriously, if that's the case, why have more kids? ... Not that I could EVER say that to group...

I do NOT want to set precidence for having multiple gimme grab feats every year as multiple people have babies... Especially since this isn't a first kid... 

So far no one has signed up to go... Which feels bad too, but urugh... 

Mostly I'm just venting. Anyway, do you think its inappropriate for just anyone to throw a shower? 

I think that the social convention is that anyone can throw one except for the mother of the expecting and the expecting mother.  



But, don't do it!! It will make the people who didn't get one feel bad and set a crappy precedent for all others.

[Deleted]

I agree that I wouldn't start a group precedence.  Let the mom who posted it take all responsibility, etc.  If she sends out invitations, decide if you want to go or not.  Don't let yourself be guilted into giving or going to the shower.

[Deleted]

Does 'new to the group throwing the shower mom' know that it is not typical to have a shower amongst that group?

I didn't throw my daughter a baby shower for the first one. The MIL 'threw the party'. Aside from their family I was the only one invited & the only one that brought a gift. They were a weird bunch. She got nothing. No baby gifts from friends & no celebration of baby to come with friends. I screwed up a lot of things letting that family take control of her. Cultists (who knew then?).

[steph08]

I just had my baby shower last weekend, first child for us. 

I really only think one baby shower per couple is appropriate. But if I had another child and it was a different sex and my friends wanted to do something small, I would agree. But not another bash with 40 people like I had this time. It would just be selfish and greedy. Plus, even for a different gender, I would only need some different clothes. Not a whole new swing, bouncer, etc. 

i wouldn't participate, especially if it isn't someone I know well. 

[Deleted]

She had posted it on our meetup board and facebook. After consulting with some other moms who've been in the group long term, I called host mom and explained I thought this type of thing was better left to facebook, and not meetup, as meetup is more for homeschool things, and this is more personal, and explained about setting precedence and multiple mothers giving birth a year, etc. I don't think she sounded happy, but she is taking it down from meetup. 

In addition to general group concerns, I think the long list of 'needs' including decor items is what put me off the specific event. I won't be going. 

[Deleted]

My friend just invited me to a "baby celebration" for her second grandchild, second child to her daughter. The first was a boy and this one will be a girl, but still...and I was the only friend of hers that went to the shower for the first one.

[tcu2003]

I'm with everyone else who thinks that you typically only have a baby shower(s) for the first baby, except for unusual circumstances. That doesn't mean I don't give a gift for subsequent babies, though, if I'm friends with the family - but I'll typically send or bong by diapers and wipes as those things are needed (unless they're cloth diapering).

[giramomma]

I think it's appropriate for anyone to throw a shower. But I would not let one person promote a shower for a whole group unless the group gave the thumbs up.

My co-workers gave me various "showers" for all three of my kids. The first was a formal style shower. The second and third were more acknowledgements/good luck wishes (one was pizza in the office with 5 other coworkers and the other was a group lunch at a place where dishes were under $10). Even the coworkers that weren't invited for the 2nd and 3rd shower still got me a small gift, usually clothing, since 1 and 2 were of different genders.

I did get a family shower for my first.

Many of my clients also gave me small gifts, again, usually clothing for my babies. I will say the teenage girls went all out with my second, which was also my first girl.

Some moms feel entitled to new things for each baby and feel a nursery is a "must." I don't agree with it, but it is what it is. I think it usually boils down to priorities about how people want to spend their money.

And, some people feel entitled to have kids no matter what the situation. Its another one of those things I don't get.

[moneymaven]

I think there's general rules of etiquette but nothing hard and fast regarding when and who. A friend of mine has a five year old. She then had a lot of difficulty conceiving then suffered a horrible miscarriage with her second pregnancy and then got rid of all of her baby stuff because it was so hard for her to see and have thinking she wouldn't have any more children. About 6 months after that, she got pregnant and has had a healthy pregnancy. We were delighted to have a shower for her and spoil her and the baby (who is the same sex as her firstborn).

Some of us know the whole story about the pregnancy, some don't. There are a lot of reasons why things like this may happen and when I start to disagree or think I would do it differently, I am reminded through this experience that maybe I don't know the whole story.

[Deleted]

May 26, 2014 12:08:12 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

My friend just invited me to a "baby celebration" for her second grandchild, second child to her daughter. The first was a boy and this one will be a girl, but still...and I was the only friend of hers that went to the shower for the first one.

You are cool. Everyone invites you to everything. We all know it 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I thought baby showers were only for a first baby.

Otherwise, can you imagine the accumulation of the Duggar's loot?

[Deleted]

May 26, 2014 16:15:42 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I thought baby showers were only for a first baby.

Otherwise, can you imagine the accumulation of the Duggar's loot?

Or MY kids. They each had four.

My DIL did register for stuff like a new carseat when she began expecting her third.  There are six-seven years between the oldest two and the youngest two.  But only family got the link.  My daughter's kids were spaced 2 1/2 years apart (who says rhythm doesn't work!) so she just reused stuff.

However, I will admit that each and every one of DIL's boys got a different nursery design.  She graduated with a degree in interior design and doesn't work.  That's important to her, and they are always awesome.  My daughter, on the other hand, was commenting how much use she had gotten out of the Winnie the Pooh nursery design that she had chosen.

Different strokes . . .

[giramomma]

May 26, 2014 14:08:17 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I think there's general rules of etiquette but nothing hard and fast regarding when and who. A friend of mine has a five year old. She then had a lot of difficulty conceiving then suffered a horrible miscarriage with her second pregnancy and then got rid of all of her baby stuff because it was so hard for her to see and have thinking she wouldn't have any more children. About 6 months after that, she got pregnant and has had a healthy pregnancy. We were delighted to have a shower for her and spoil her and the baby (who is the same sex as her firstborn).

Some of us know the whole story about the pregnancy, some don't. There are a lot of reasons why things like this may happen and when I start to disagree or think I would do it differently, I am reminded through this experience that maybe I don't know the whole story.

One of my client's families had an oops for a third kid. The mom had two kids and then thyroid cancer. She survived the cancer and was cancer free for about a decade. Told she couldn't have kids anymore. She had one at 40. I know she had a bunch of showers.

I have fertility issues, but was lucky that it never took many treatments to conceive. DH and I would have completely had a 4th, but my risk of twins was too high. Even though people know I am infertile, I think I would have gotten the stink eye from folks who love us for quite some time if we were to have 5 kids and then asked for showers to outfit twins. And, we'd definitely need two of everything brand new...

[skubikky]

It is within anyone's right to host/hostess a baby shower if that's what they choose to do.
And in response, no one is ever obligated to attend.....that goes for any invitation.
Whether one has the strength of self to follow through in declining invitations that they are not enthusiastic about is another issue. 

[Deleted]

May 27, 2014 6:05:39 GMT -5 giramomma said:

May 26, 2014 14:08:17 GMT -5 moneymaven said:

I think there's general rules of etiquette but nothing hard and fast regarding when and who. A friend of mine has a five year old. She then had a lot of difficulty conceiving then suffered a horrible miscarriage with her second pregnancy and then got rid of all of her baby stuff because it was so hard for her to see and have thinking she wouldn't have any more children. About 6 months after that, she got pregnant and has had a healthy pregnancy. We were delighted to have a shower for her and spoil her and the baby (who is the same sex as her firstborn).

Some of us know the whole story about the pregnancy, some don't. There are a lot of reasons why things like this may happen and when I start to disagree or think I would do it differently, I am reminded through this experience that maybe I don't know the whole story.

One of my client's families had an oops for a third kid. The mom had two kids and then thyroid cancer. She survived the cancer and was cancer free for about a decade. Told she couldn't have kids anymore. She had one at 40. I know she had a bunch of showers.

I have fertility issues, but was lucky that it never took many treatments to conceive. DH and I would have completely had a 4th, but my risk of twins was too high. Even though people know I am infertile, I think I would have gotten the stink eye from folks who love us for quite some time if we were to have 5 kids and then asked for showers to outfit twins. And, we'd definitely need two of everything brand new...

who asks for someone to have a shower for them? most people just offer to have one and ask the mom for a guest list

[Sam_2.0]

May 27, 2014 9:29:23 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

May 27, 2014 6:05:39 GMT -5 giramomma said:

One of my client's families had an oops for a third kid. The mom had two kids and then thyroid cancer. She survived the cancer and was cancer free for about a decade. Told she couldn't have kids anymore. She had one at 40. I know she had a bunch of showers.

I have fertility issues, but was lucky that it never took many treatments to conceive. DH and I would have completely had a 4th, but my risk of twins was too high. Even though people know I am infertile, I think I would have gotten the stink eye from folks who love us for quite some time if we were to have 5 kids and then asked for showers to outfit twins. And, we'd definitely need two of everything brand new...

who asks for someone to have a shower for them? most people just offer to have one and ask the mom for a guest list

A lot of people I know (including extended family) think it is fine for the mom to ask for a shower and to actually throw it herself! My cousin just had one a couple weeks ago for her 2nd boy in 2 years and she put on the shower herself. Eeks! Another gift-grab is the gender reveal party that a lot of people are having now. And then the sip & see for after the baby is born.

Typically in our social circles showers are just done for the first baby. At work we do have a "sprinkle" with cake for subsequent pregnancies, because who wouldn't pass up an opportunity to have cake? People either give some cash or bring diapers or just go and say congrats and eat cake But it's thrown by our managers and social committee, not the expectant parents.

[Deleted]

May 26, 2014 16:15:42 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I thought baby showers were only for a first baby.

Otherwise, can you imagine the accumulation of the Duggar's loot?

Big gaps between kids might warrant one too.  My family just had one for my cousin last weekend.  She just had her second child 13 years after the first and it was a girl where the first was a boy. 

I had two showers as well.  They didn't really NEED to, but it was nice.  I still had everything from my first even though they were 8 years apart.

[zibazinski]

I have no issue with the gift grab. Just don't make me go!!

[whoisjohngalt]

I wonder if the expecting mother knows about it.

Out of all the people having 2nd and 3rd babies around here most complain about having too much crap - who in their right mind would want MORE?

[milee]

May 27, 2014 10:21:24 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I wonder if the expecting mother knows about it.

If she made a list of things she "needed" which includes nursery decorations, I'm thinking yes. But - like you - I could be wrong and have been wrong before.

[whoisjohngalt]

Oops!

[Sam_2.0]

May 27, 2014 10:22:33 GMT -5 milee said:

May 27, 2014 10:21:24 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I wonder if the expecting mother knows about it.

If she made a list of things she "needed" which includes nursery decorations, I'm thinking yes. But - like you - I could be wrong and have been wrong before.

I made a registry at Walmart just to keep track of the things I wanted for baby J. But I am not sharing the link and didn't make it public. I really just wanted the coupons and things that come along with it

[tloonya]

May 26, 2014 9:33:34 GMT -5 oped said:

Ok. I'm going to ask who are appropriate people to give and invite to baby showers? 

We we have a huge homeschool group. Literally every year several people are having babies. We have never held a baby shower before. 

One of the new to the group moms posted having a baby shower for another of the newer to the group moms. With a long list of needs. 

Pregnant girl has two other kids, same gender as coming one. She has not paid for several events lately, which I generally let slide. They are going on vacation and trying to buy land to build. 

I know about money being tight, but seriously, if that's the case, why have more kids? ... Not that I could EVER say that to group...

I do NOT want to set precidence for having multiple gimme grab feats every year as multiple people have babies... Especially since this isn't a first kid... 

So far no one has signed up to go... Which feels bad too, but urugh... 

Mostly I'm just venting. Anyway, do you think its inappropriate for just anyone to throw a shower? 

oped,
what are you feeling bad for? You said it yourself:
'She has not paid for several events lately, which I generally let slide. They are going on vacation and trying to buy land to build.'

I had not vacationed for FIVE (5) YEARS!!!!!!! Just sayin'

Let her understand she is not getting any this time!!!

[Deleted]

May 27, 2014 10:14:03 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I have no issue with the gift grab. Just don't make me go!!

but a gift grab for an adult birthday party is ok?

[tloonya]

May 27, 2014 10:55:27 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

May 27, 2014 10:14:03 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I have no issue with the gift grab. Just don't make me go!!

but a gift grab for an adult birthday party is ok?

baby gift vs an adult gift are issues we are kind of all over the place and can't agree about.