Purging for People Pleasers

[Deleted]

Ok. It's time for me to streamline life and get rid of the tasks I'm not really doing for myself anymore, just for other people. 

Anyone else need to re prioritize, cut out some commitments, obligations, tasks and brush up on their No Thanks! ...?

[swamp]

Yes.

I resigned as president of a volunteer board because they were meeting me to death.

[Deleted]

I am not doing fall co op. I told the group I'd help new people set it up, but I'm not participating. I told them this is my last year to run book club. I am skipping Moms Night Out this week.... I feel empowered! 

Oh, oh, someone asked me today why the two days I run cheap evals are so late in the year and her kid will be at camp, and can she come another day and I said sorry, no, and gave her the name of another evaluator  Yay me!

[greeniis10]

Good job!  I'm a happily reformed "pleaser".  I never thought that about myself until years ago someone accidentally called me a "pleaser" (out loud).  I could tell as soon as she said the word she meant to say it silently, but she ended up doing me a favor!  Since then I've set and enforced my boundaries.  "No" IS a full sentence.  Good luck and keep it up!  It really is freeing.

[Shooby]

I finally vowed not to waste my time investing myself into people who don't give a damn about me. Ask yourself if the people you are tyring to please really matter in your life.

[Tennesseer]

Thank goodness I decided to actual open up this thread and read it. From the title, I thought it was about binge eating and vomiting to please others. 

[wyouser]

Hmmmm....does this mean some of you have now perhaps some free time? Wanna come to Wyoming and volunteer for any one of a dozen groups working with kids?  You know...Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, 4-h, soccer league, swim clubs, wresting club, Little League, Babe Ruth or American Legion baseball. Pop Warner league.  Only a couple nights a week..AND...you get to travel Each and every weekend getting to know every nook and cranny, every mountain range, every river valley in Wyoming.  We are always on the lookout for new volunteers

[zibazinski]

I've cut some toxic people out of my life, very freeing. I also quit a bunch of groups and am not getting pressured by some of them to rejoin.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2014 16:24:50 GMT -5 wyouser said:

Hmmmm....does this mean some of you have now perhaps some free time? Wanna come to Wyoming and volunteer for any one of a dozen groups working with kids?  You know...Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, 4-h, soccer league, swim clubs, wresting club, Little League, Babe Ruth or American Legion baseball. Pop Warner league.  Only a couple nights a week..AND...you get to travel Each and every weekend getting to know every nook and cranny, every mountain range, every river valley in Wyoming.  We are always on the lookout for new volunteers

No.

See how good I'm getting? 

(although, actually, I had two capital letters and an exclamation point the first time, but felt that was too aggressive and changed it to just No. , so work in progress... ) 

[whoisjohngalt]

May 14, 2014 14:43:34 GMT -5 oped said:

Ok. It's time for me to streamline life and get rid of the tasks I'm not really doing for myself anymore, just for other people. 

Anyone else need to re prioritize, cut out some commitments, obligations, tasks and brush up on their No Thanks! ...?

oh thank G-d all my papers are done or I'd be screwed.

thank you for not coming up with this idea two weeks earlier

[Deleted]

May 14, 2014 16:44:15 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

May 14, 2014 14:43:34 GMT -5 oped said:

Ok. It's time for me to streamline life and get rid of the tasks I'm not really doing for myself anymore, just for other people. 

Anyone else need to re prioritize, cut out some commitments, obligations, tasks and brush up on their No Thanks! ...?

oh thank G-d all my papers are done or I'd be screwed.

thank you for not coming up with this idea two weeks earlier

Lol. I honestly didn't do much. And that stuff I enjoy. I like to write. I like to edit. 

I do not like to teach preschoolers. I do not like to prep 9 reading groups because no one else can be bothered... 

[giramomma]

I'll be cutting back soon. While I have been delighted with working with the boys in my DS's den, I am ready to be done. They cross over in Feb of 15....

[Nazgul Girl]

   I cut back on everything a number of years ago, because I realized that I was being far too "nice" and obliging, and felt that others weren't putting in the effort that I was.  My groups were connected with church, Sweet Adeline chorus activities, some friends which were more like acquaintances, relatives who wanted nicies but didn't really give much back, etc.   I'm a lot less highly-scheduled now ( except for work ), and much happier.   When someone that's on my "off" list calls, I just don't answer the phone.   It's great !

[Artemis Windsong]

May 14, 2014 16:44:15 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

May 14, 2014 14:43:34 GMT -5 oped said:

Ok. It's time for me to streamline life and get rid of the tasks I'm not really doing for myself anymore, just for other people. 

Anyone else need to re prioritize, cut out some commitments, obligations, tasks and brush up on their No Thanks! ...?

oh thank G-d all my papers are done or I'd be screwed.

thank you for not coming up with this idea two weeks earlier

If you are going back to college, book mark this page as you never know when a timely topic can come in handy.

I heard a speaker once tell about being assigned some obscure, off the wall topic to research and report on.  He ended up using it as his masters thesis.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2014 14:43:34 GMT -5 oped said:

Anyone else need to re prioritize, cut out some commitments, obligations, tasks and brush up on their No Thanks! ...?

I don't know if it counts, but since it's coming up and been on my mind a lot lately...

DH's mom is pressuring us real hard to stay with her and his step dad when we go on vacation.  Real hard.  Neither of us really want to.  

DH says he'll just tell them, but I worry it's a massive breach of diplomacy.  I like keeping things cordial and mellow, and have done so for 8 years.  I think think this would set things off.

They're okay people, just... unsupportive to the point of being antagonistic in words, and they're very traditional in value sets.  My family culture from is oriented the other way to being very shy, eccentric and supportive.  I think his mom mostly shows love with money, but DH doesn't need any, we roll along fine.  So we're left with words unless something drastic changes in communication patterns.

I just need buck up.  His mom burnt me and DH both a little too much when DH was telling her that he wanted to eventually work his way up to the international team at his company, and she replied that "no one will ever pay you to work internationally."  I was pretty taken aback.  No one?  Ever?

He works so hard, and it just doesn't make sense to me.  He started international work a few months after she made that statement, ironically.  DH and his step dad also have a lot of history from the step dad being a muscled, tattooed "man's man," and DH being an electronics geek who was mistaken for being gay in high school.  Bad mix growing up.

I think it'd be best for both of us to stay firm on this one.  Visits, good.  Staying in their house for the duration of a vacation... no thank you 

[skubikky]

As most here know....I'm not nice.   Have never been a pleaser and have a highly developed ability to say no.
That being said, when I do volunteer it's because I truly want to.

1.  I'm doing the finances(bills, balancing, budget, payroll) for our church after the previous person was unable to do it anymore.
I'm an engineer and have never had any background in book keeping or accounting(my sincerest respect to those of you who do this professionally).
Had to figure out what was going on in Quickbooks on my own....whatever.  Finally seem to have mastered topically what I need to be able to do all that needs doing.
I guess I'll do it until I don't want to.....but won't just bail, will wait until there is actually some other poor soul who steps up.
Didn't think I'd have enough time to do it but have managed to keep it going for over a year now.   All you bean counters and finance keepers out there....

2.  I organize a silent auction for a yearly horse trials as a rep for US Pony club.   Lots of work to get donations, write up the bid sheets,  schlep the stuff to the location and spent a few vacation days manning the tent as well as volunteering as a cross country judge.   I've done this for about 7 years now.    Have decided that this is my last year doing the silent auction but will continue to do the XC judging.   I know there will be some whining and pouting from the organizers but that don't pay me no never mind....Mama don't play dat game.   I'm sure there will be someone else to take it over.   It's a popular and high profile event for combined test riders.

I always figure that everyone does or tries to do what has the most meaning for them or that which fits in with their life.
It's all good.   If most of us can pick up a little piece then a lot of it will get covered.   Sometimes it's just not possible with kids, elderly parents, sick spouses and a plethora of other stuff that makes it virtually impossible for some people to volunteer.   I figure that's cool,  maybe down the road, when you have time, you can lend a hand, until then,  I got ya covered kid .......

[Deleted]

I think my breaking point was no one wants to be treasurer. I've been avoiding treasurer for years, in addition to other stuff I do. I do the $/books for the household, the business and my dad's local rentals (although he is selling those! Yay! ) ... I don't need another bank bag and its contents. But no one else wants to do it either...

oh, and I taught 3 classes this co op, because no one wants to teach preschool, and we had 17 preschoolers ( to be fair others did offer to cover other periods, but still left one open), and then someone quit and I took her class and the one I originally planned. 

Then, I asked for help with this years book club and while a few moms jumped right up (one with 6 kids under 10!) ... Mostly it was pulling teeth. Moms want to decide last minute if they are coming to something, show up, and talk to other moms while someone else engages their kids for awhile. Well, can't blame them, but I'd like to do that too once in awhile and everyone should have to take part of the commitment/responsibility. 

I'm ok with my priorities not being everyone's and things evolving too. I don't care if book club and co op, etc. don't happen anymore cause they aren't important to everyone. But I'm not carrying them anymore. 

[Deleted]

I'm going to have to be REALLY careful about this now that I'm retired. Just the things I could do at the church could turn into a full-time job.

I'm heading out to the work in the church Community Garden Saturday; we grow fruits and vegetables for the local soup kitchen. I've also agreed to be on the Discernment Committee for a friend who's considering the priesthood. I'm visiting a Toastmasters club at lunch today. I love Toastmasters at the Club level but spent a year as District Treasurer and was nearly killed by the bureaucracy. It will be good to see familiar faces again (I've competed in contests and been a Club officer many times over the last 10 years). I just have to resist being recruited for anything but Club officer.