You don't know what its like to be my age.

[8 Bit WWBG]

If I ever become a parent one of the things I vow to never do is forget what its like to be "their age".

I got to listen to a parent talk about how she responded to her daughter saying that, and I felt like it was kind of dismissive.  Yes, [most] 15 year old(s) doesn't have to hold a "breadwinner" job to support the family, or deal with "real world stuff" like paying bills and taxes, and scheduling home repairs and doctors appointments and stuff.  

But kids do have their own pressures and those seem to increase over time.  Getting good grades, social pressures, expectations... those aren't easy things to deal with -- even if they pale in comparison to adult responsibilities.  And being a kid can really suck in the sense that they often don't receive the same level of respect as an adult.  People may try to take advantage, or just plain talk over/overrule them.

So have any of your kids tried this line on you?  Or a variation like "you just don't understand", or whatever?  How did you respond?  And do you remember what it was like to be their age?

[Deleted]

I remember constantly what it's like to be a teenager because I interact with them daily.  I tell the kids that is part of why I love my job.  It keeps me from being a dinosaur and a curmudgeon.  Of course, they have to look up "curmudgeon." 

I understand the pressures.  Many of them are adult-created.  Some of them, though, are self-created and sort of silly.  Part of my job is to help them understand which pressures you need to respond to . . . like getting your diploma with a decent gpa so you have CHOICES. 

The kids are right that they don't get the same respect.  My kids used to tell me about how they were treated in stores.  A teen and an adult can both be at a register, and even if the teen was there first, the adult will be served first.  But they also get cut a lot of slack.  They are honest about that, too.

I honestly don't think much changes.  My kids are in their mid-30s now, and the things my students tell me aren't very different than what I heard from my own offspring.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

May 8, 2014 20:42:45 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

If I ever become a parent one of the things I vow to never do is forget what its like to be "their age".



But kids do have their own pressures and those seem to increase over time.  Getting good grades, social pressures, expectations... those aren't easy things to deal with -- even if they pale in comparison to adult responsibilities.  And being a kid can really suck in the sense that they often don't receive the same level of respect as an adult.  People may try to take advantage, or just plain talk over/overrule them.

So have any of your kids tried this line on you?  Or a variation like "you just don't understand", or whatever?  How did you respond?  And do you remember what it was like to be their age?

I don't have kids, but my 3 brothers raised 2 each - now there's nieces/nephews grandkids today.

I think we had pressures as kids (peer pressure, pressure to be the best (whether academically or athletically, or artistically), and that hasn't changed today.

I think social pressures & expectations are harder on kids these days. I don't think I'd want to be a kid or teen in this day & age - there's way too much going on that we didn't have to deal with when we were in school.
(The technological world and "cyber-space" is something most of us didn't have as kids- and most use as a tool of communication & contact today.

For example - a table of teens can be sitting in a restaurant - They don't talk - they text - even when sitting right beside each other..

There's a detachment with electronics - and kids are becoming less "social" . There's far less inter-action and human communication.

Too much today is dependent on electronics for communication and society is becoming dis-associated - emotions and person-to-person interaction and communication is becoming obsolete. I think that also plays into the higher number of crimes/murders being committed today than say, 20 or 30 yrs ago. The younger generation is de-sensitized, for lack of better words.

[toomuchreality]

Yikes!  Luckily my kids (now late 20's and 30's) didn't try to use this on me.

When my oldest was in her mid 20's, she told me the reason she was doing 'something', was because she never got to be young /act that age (17-18).
I reminded her that when I was that age, I graduated from HS, already had her, and purchased my first house.  -She didn't get much sympathy from me. Not using that argument.

[cronewitch]

My great nephew is going to community college instead of high school and said he loves it because the teachers treat you like you have a brain. He is a smart boy, working, going to college while in high school, doing AP classes, expected to help his mother since his dad kicked them out and has to figure out how to pay for college since mom is broke and dad is bankrupt while high income so no free money for him. I don't want to be his age I don't think he has even had time to date yet, too shy to ask a girl out.

I remember when I was young a child was in a store first and the clerk asked if he could help me, I told him the child was first. Can't they see the child is a customer too and waiting?

[toomuchreality]

May 9, 2014 0:56:10 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

My great nephew is going to community college instead of high school and said he loves it because the teachers treat you like you have a brain. He is a smart boy, working, going to college while in high school, doing AP classes, expected to help his mother since his dad kicked them out and has to figure out how to pay for college since mom is broke and dad is bankrupt while high income so no free money for him. I don't want to be his age I don't think he has even had time to date yet, too shy to ask a girl out.

I remember when I was young a child was in a store first and the clerk asked if he could help me, I told him the child was first. Can't they see the child is a customer too and waiting?

I've done this too. It made me mad that 2-3 people before me, didn't. I thought the kid was going to cry, out of frustration. I wouldn't have blamed him if he did.

[truthbound]

May 8, 2014 20:42:45 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

If I ever become a parent one of the things I vow to never do is forget what its like to be "their age".

I got to listen to a parent talk about how she responded to her daughter saying that, and I felt like it was kind of dismissive.  Yes, [most] 15 year old(s) doesn't have to hold a "breadwinner" job to support the family, or deal with "real world stuff" like paying bills and taxes, and scheduling home repairs and doctors appointments and stuff.  

But kids do have their own pressures and those seem to increase over time.  Getting good grades, social pressures, expectations... those aren't easy things to deal with -- even if they pale in comparison to adult responsibilities.  And being a kid can really suck in the sense that they often don't receive the same level of respect as an adult.  People may try to take advantage, or just plain talk over/overrule them.

So have any of your kids tried this line on you?  Or a variation like "you just don't understand", or whatever?  How did you respond?  And do you remember what it was like to be their age?

I remember what it was like being a kid.They have no pressures.

[zibazinski]

May 9, 2014 0:56:10 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

My great nephew is going to community college instead of high school and said he loves it because the teachers treat you like you have a brain. He is a smart boy, working, going to college while in high school, doing AP classes, expected to help his mother since his dad kicked them out and has to figure out how to pay for college since mom is broke and dad is bankrupt while high income so no free money for him. I don't want to be his age I don't think he has even had time to date yet, too shy to ask a girl out.

I remember when I was young a child was in a store first and the clerk asked if he could help me, I told him the child was first. Can't they see the child is a customer too and waiting?

They may have thought the child was with you. Just a thought. But I did ream a clerk in albertsons one time for not waiting on DD who had a number and was waiting for lunch meat while I was in produce. She was 10 at the time. Even though she said she had the number, she told me even other adults cut in front of her. That royally pissed me off. The manager had to come over I was so LOUD.

[zibazinski]

Btw, got an apology and free lunch meat! DD still remembers it though and watches out for kids.

[Deleted]

I got to listen to a parent talk about how she responded to her daughter saying that, and I felt like it was kind of dismissive. Yes, [most] 15 year old(s) doesn't have to hold a "breadwinner" job to support the family, or deal with "real world stuff" like paying bills and taxes, and scheduling home repairs and doctors appointments and stuff.

I remember my Mom saying those same things to me when I was a little girl. I never forgot it and my exact thoughts were that just because I'm not responsible for all those things, doesn't mean I don't have things that are important to me. Like, I have to make good grades so I don't get into a world of trouble.

I'm sure some of the things I thought were important at the time, weren't. But after I had my own children, I remembered how I felt when my Mom said that to me, and didn't want to dismiss any real concerns my kids had just because they didn't have adult responsibilities.

I agree that children are often treated with disrespect. Young adults too. My DD was in the hospital a couple years ago, and they told her something was wrong with her liver. That was it. She wanted to know exactly what the problem was with her liver, could it be "fixed" and what they were going to do to try to "fix" it and they kept giving here non-answers. I told her it was her body and it wasn't like she was a charity case with no insurance, where they wouldn't get paid, she had a right to know what was going on. By the time I got there to help her find someone to give her some answers, she'd gotten somebody in there to talk to her. I don't think they would have dismissed such basic questions from a patient my age.

[Deleted]

I get the "you don't understand" line from GW when I am telling her to do some work she doesn't want to do. The message is that I don't understand so the work I have suggested is not a solution to her problem. Like doing a math review every night including righting out some equations so that the formulas will stick in her head and she will see the solution so it sinks in. Or when I explain to her that what seems like the end of the world right now really isn't.

[Jake 48]

"I think we had pressures as kids (peer pressure, pressure to be the best (whether academically or athletically, or artistically), and that hasn't changed today.

I think social pressures & expectations are harder on kids these days. I don't think I'd want to be a kid or teen in this day & age - there's way too much going on that we didn't have to deal with when we were in school.
(The technological world and "cyber-space" is something most of us didn't have as kids- and most use as a tool of communication & contact today.

For example - a table of teens can be sitting in a restaurant - They don't talk - they text - even when sitting right beside each other..

There's a detachment with electronics - and kids are becoming less "social" . There's far less inter-action and human communication.

Too much today is dependent on electronics for communication and society is becoming dis-associated - emotions and person-to-person interaction and communication is becoming obsolete. I think that also plays into the higher number of crimes/murders being committed today than say, 20 or 30 yrs ago. The younger generation is de-sensitized, for lack of better words. "
 

I really think this hits the nail on the head

[Deleted]

I don't think kids have any more pressures or challenges than we had as kids and they have a lot more protections. There are more laws and more discussion about what is not permitted. They are informed of who to reach out to for help etc. As for electronics causing less interaction, we talk as if everyone spent all this time interacting with everyone else. What I see that kids today don't have that I did is alone time. Walks on beaches, in the woods, in parks, by themselves. They have no sense of privacy. But that is just a different issue than we had, not necessarily a worse issue.

[Deleted]

I don't know if I totally agree with the less interaction and communication. When I was a kid i came home from school and sat in my room with a book. Me and the book. My kids are constantly on skype and steam and whatnot with their friends. It seems they are always talking. And when they are together its generally normal interaction. Once in awhile if i have a room of teenage boys and no one has said a word for awhile I suggest they put the laptops down and head outside for a bit. 

But while interaction is changing, i'm not sure its all doom and gloom for interaction and human connection...

[alabamagal]

I would shock my kids sometimes when I knew what they were going through.

One time DD was in high school having issues with some kids in a group.  I asked her if it was the "cool kids group" and she looked at me in shock, like how did you knwo there was a group like that at her school.

My kids went to a very small private school that had great teachers who cared about them.  When they were going to college I told them about some of the types of professors they would have - like they would have one who would tell them they were the worst group of students, one who would just read from the text book, and some others.  They did not believe me at first, but after a while they all admitted that I was right.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I'm sure some of the things I thought were important at the time, weren't. But after I had my own children, I remembered how I felt when my Mom said that to me, and didn't want to dismiss any real concerns my kids had just because they didn't have adult responsibilities.":::...

This is a good attitude and exactly what I was going for.  Kids don't have the perspective or life experience to appreciate the larger scheme -- but that doesn't mean there aren't things which are important to them.  As trivial as some of the stuff kids base their happiness/social standing on seems, its important to them.  Trying to help them understand that in the big scheme its not important, while respecting that in there here and now it IS important, has got to be a tough balancing act

...:::"I don't think kids have any more pressures or challenges than we had as kids and they have a lot more protections. There are more laws and more discussion about what is not permitted.":::...

This is an interesting angle.  Some aspects of social behavior/problems have been given much more research and priority -- whereas before they'd have been dismissed as "misbehaving" or "not smart enough".  And in many ways, kids are so much more protected sheltered; for example the "everyone gets a trophy for showing up" attitude or the "grades hurt feelings" thing.

[sesfw]

So have any of your kids tried this line on you? Or a variation like "you just don't understand", or whatever? How did you respond? And do you remember what it was like to be their age?

Yes, and so did the grand kids.  And yes I remember what it was like as a teen and young adult.  The young adult world is a lot different than when I was that age but the raw emotions are the same.  The teen years haven't changed that much.

When DD was about 14 she was so frustrated one time and told me I just didn't understand.  I told her that she didn't understand what was happening to her, she was caught between wanting to be an adult and still wanting to be a kid.  She was so surprised and I can still see the shock on her face.  Things were a lot better between us after that.  Not perfect but better.

[sbcalimom]

This used to make me so angry when I was a teenager.  My mom expected me to be an adult when it was convenient for her (ie when she wanted me to pay her bills, do the grocery shopping, work to support myself, etc) but a child when it wasn't.  She was very dismissive of my frustrations and basically just said I didn't understand what it was like for her raising me all on her own (with a stepfather for most of my life and decent child support from my father but that never factored in for her).

I'm trying very hard with my girls to empathize with what they're going through and remember their true age, not just how I want them to act.  My girls are little (5 and almost 3) but even now it's something I have to actively remember.  Just because they are advanced in some ways doesn't mean that emotionally/maturity-wise they aren't 5 and 3.  I imagine when we hit the teen years that will only get more prominent. 

[Phoenix84]

I have never thought that kids didn't have stress (or much stress) in their lives.  Sure, it's different from adults, but getting good grades in high school can be hard work.  Coupled with activities and social pressures, I can see how kids, especially teenagers could be stressed out.

When I was in high school I was in school for about 30 hours a week, plus worked about 16 hours a week, plus had homework and did karate.  Overall I was probably putting in about 60 hours a week into these various tasks, which is more than I work now as a adult.

I will say now though, even though I probably net less hours, the level of responsibility has dramtically increased.  Meaning the consequences for failure at my job or other "life" tasks run far deeper than getting a bad grade.

So yeah, in general I'd say I worked longer hours when I was a teenager, but have more responsibility now.

Southernsusana also made a good point that although kids/teens may not get the same respect as an adult, they do get cut more slack than adults.

[Phoenix84]

May 8, 2014 21:14:29 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

May 8, 2014 20:42:45 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

I don't have kids, but my 3 brothers raised 2 each - now there's nieces/nephews grandkids today.

I think we had pressures as kids (peer pressure, pressure to be the best (whether academically or athletically, or artistically), and that hasn't changed today.

I think social pressures & expectations are harder on kids these days. I don't think I'd want to be a kid or teen in this day & age - there's way too much going on that we didn't have to deal with when we were in school.
(The technological world and "cyber-space" is something most of us didn't have as kids- and most use as a tool of communication & contact today.

For example - a table of teens can be sitting in a restaurant - They don't talk - they text - even when sitting right beside each other..

There's a detachment with electronics - and kids are becoming less "social" . There's far less inter-action and human communication.

Too much today is dependent on electronics for communication and society is becoming dis-associated - emotions and person-to-person interaction and communication is becoming obsolete. I think that also plays into the higher number of crimes/murders being committed today than say, 20 or 30 yrs ago. The younger generation is de-sensitized, for lack of better words.

I do agree electronic interaction can cause problems.  I think it could be argued lonliness is becoming an increasingly common problem.

But you are incorrect that there are more crimes/murders now than before.  The rate of violent crime has been decreasing since the 1960's.

[justme]

I could never use that line on my mom when I was younger. My grandfather was in a wheelchair due to polio so she had to help him a lot growing up, so if I ever tried that line she'd bring up what she was often doing when she was a teen and tell me to stop complaining. Pretty much steered clear of that phrase since she had the ultimate smack down for it. 

Maybe the ultimate general response is "Sure I do, now give me your cellphone so YOU know what it was like being a teen when I was."

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

For example - a table of teens can be sitting in a restaurant - They don't talk - they text - even when sitting right beside each other..

There's a detachment with electronics - and kids are becoming less "social" . There's far less inter-action and human communication.

This isn't just teens. It's adults too.

I can't begin to tell you of the number of restaurants that TD and I have walked into, where everyone at the table is buried in their electronic device. Last meal we went out for, there was another couple seated at the booth across from us. Both of them had their phones out, and other than place their order to the waitress, I don't think that they spoke a single word to each other the entire meal....and they were our age!

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I agree that children are often treated with disrespect. Young adults too. My DD was in the hospital a couple years ago, and they told her something was wrong with her liver. That was it. She wanted to know exactly what the problem was with her liver, could it be "fixed" and what they were going to do to try to "fix" it and they kept giving here non-answers. I told her it was her body and it wasn't like she was a charity case with no insurance, where they wouldn't get paid, she had a right to know what was going on. By the time I got there to help her find someone to give her some answers, she'd gotten somebody in there to talk to her. I don't think they would have dismissed such basic questions from a patient my age.

Hate to tell you this, but some do.

When I was in the hospital the first time, I ran into the same thing myself. Not only was I an employee of the medical center, I was a scientist and I KNEW exactly what they were going to need to do, but I was told that they needed to fix me and that was it.

The grand finale was when I had a doctor come into my room and tell me that the reason I had to have surgery NOW was that I had MRSA and I was going to die. I told him he was a flat out liar (at this point, I had lost all patience with everyone) because if I had MRSA, he was breaking a buttload of precautions. He was not gowned, gloved and masked when he walked into my room, my room did not have a notice that I had MRSA on it, they had changed my antibiotics to ones that were NOT used for MRSA (my first cue) and most importantly, I had managed to get hold of the report that had the results of the culture of my hip.

Then I had a nurse try to tell me that I was a drug seeker. I would get my pain meds anywhere from 30-90 minutes after I requested them. If they were too late, they weren't effective and I had to get morphine too. I wound up needing morphine probably half the time because it took them over an hour usually to get me my meds when I requested them. I tore into her too, telling her if they would deliver them when I told them that I was starting to hurt that I would not need the rescue dose of morphine.

[Pants]

But I will also say, as a parent it's hard to do in the moment. My kid is 2 - I obviously don't remember being 2. But I remember being little and not having any control and how frustrating that was, people treating you like you have no agency and aren't worthy of their respect or listening to your opinion.

So even when she's being nonsensical/defiant/stubborn/throwing a tantrum, I try to remember that she has no control over anything right now unless I give it to her. I'm bigger than her, I can clearly force her to do whatever I want her to do, and sometime's that the immediate reaction. We're late, struggling to get out the door and I jsut want her to put her damn shoes on already! I can force her shoes on her, and run our the door, or I can accept that I'm going to be a little late this morning and work with her to understand what she has against shoes today - does she want to wear different shoes? Does she want to put them on in the car? Is she just testing limits? Doing that makes for a better day for everyone - she doesn't have a meltdown that carries over into a bad mood all day and a lousy evening and a lot more defiance as she tries to reassert her independence.

Obviously there are times when I have to assert control and just do what needs to be done. I'm the parent and I will make decisions that she doesn't like for her or the family's own good. Or times where I forget what it's probably like to be her and make a decision I regret later because I was frustrated and didn't want to take the time to understand. I try to minimize those if I can - because honestly, if she wants to stay in her pajamas all day on Saturday who does that actually hurt?

[Pants]

Kids and teens don't know what it's like to be a parent, to be responsible for the lives of others, to have a full-time job and people who depend on you. Good - I'm in no rush for my kid to understand that at all. But I do (generally) understand what it's like to be them, and having your thoughts and feelings dismissed because they don't rate on another person's current scale hurts.

I mean, I have no idea (knock wood) what it's like to be a poor single mother living in a rough neighborhood and struggling to work 3 jobs to pay for her kids food and medical care. I don't know what it's like to be a child soldier in Africa. I don't know what it's like to be a victim of human trafficking. Just because I'm a certain age doesn't give me a monopoly on knowing about problems. And while my problems, unlike those other peoples' problems, aren't literally life-or-death, the struggle is still real and feels very intense in the moment.

If, in a moment of my extreme stress, someone was like "Well at least you're not a starving child in Africa" I would probably tell them to go fuck themselves. Which is pretty much the reaction kids and teens have when their parents do it, only most of them don't have the agency/means to be independent to deal with the fallout from telling their parents to go fuck themselves.
 

ETA: But, noone would ever tell me "You don't understand what real problems are" when I'm dealing with craziness of my own, because adults don't talk to each other that way. Whereas many people think it's absolutely fine to use some version of this, verbal or implied, on kids and teens as a way to dismiss their feelings.

[Phoenix84]

Well, although I do feel like kids and teens have stressors in their life that bear consideration by adults, if a kid or teen told me that I don't know what it's like to be them, implying I don't know what stress or hardship is, I would probably feel inclined to deliver a verbal smackdown.  I think that statement shows disrespect and as bsbound said, adults don't talk to each other that way.  I might say something like "sure I do, I was 16 once too you know."

I do agree it's important to listen to your kids and try to bridge the gap between you and them.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Well thats just it Pheonix.  To the teen, the "verbal smackdown" sounds like "starving African".  We know that there are folks (mostly outside America but sadly many within it) who are too pre-occupied with not starving to death, or dying from something we'd laugh at (diarrhea) or hoping that the shells going off around them don't end their lives.  But we aren't those folks and we have problems that are important to us.

Of course if they are just using the excuse to try and lighten their load, or excuse a mistake, that won't fly either.

[Pants]

May 9, 2014 13:30:07 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Well thats just it Pheonix.  To the teen, the "verbal smackdown" sounds like "starving African".  We know that there are folks (mostly outside America but sadly many within it) who are too pre-occupied with not starving to death, or dying from something we'd laugh at (diarrhea) or hoping that the shells going off around them don't end their lives.  But we aren't those folks and we have problems that are important to us.

Of course if they are just using the excuse to try and lighten their load, or excuse a mistake, that won't fly either.

Exactly. So does the "I know it feels like the end of the world now, but you won't even remember this when you're older." and 100 other variations that people say to young people. It doesn't even have to be intended to be dismissive, most people would say the above trying to be kind and reassuring to their kids. Every time my parents said that to me I wanted to scream and be like "Yes it is, my life is OVER!" While they were right, of course, in the moment it was not helpful like they intended it to be.

[Pants]

Also, I was a teenage girl so I was very dramatic.