Family members with drug addiction?

[sparks2710]

Does anyone have experience with family members/siblings with drug addiction problems? Did they finally admit they had a problem? Were you able to mend your relationship or did you cut them off completely? How do you help someone who won't admit they have a problem?

[kittensaver]

Yes.
No.
Mend: No; Cut off: Yes.
You can't.

So sorry! This is a very painful family situation to have to live through . Sometimes people have to twist in the wind and sometimes you have to let them, even though you know it is going to end very badly

[Deleted]

Yes.

Yes, they know they have a problem.

We have a relationship, but guarded. No trust with an addict.

You can't.

I'm sorry, but don't give up hope completely. I have seen some happy endings. Good luck.

[toomuchreality]

Yes.
They admitted it was a problem for others. Didn't see it as a problem for themselves.
Mended relationship many, many times, cutting them off for periods (months), after they were a jerk (again).
Sadly, ended in a drug overdose. The caring friends that were with him, all took off, rather than call for help, for fear of getting busted. Stealing his computer etc, when they went. He lived in a coma for a few days, then died on Christmas day. Christmas will never be the same in our family.
Sad, but true.

They have to want help, in order to be helped. Words are just words/manipulation. It has to be real.

The best suggestion I have, is to set / keep boundaries, if you are going to stay in contact. Be ready and willing to enforce / back up what you say, when the boundaries are broken. (They will be. And the offender will always want/expect another chance. Just one more. After all, if you love them...)

Hang tough. I'm glad I did.
  

[Nazgul Girl]

   I'm very sorry for your family's loss, toomuchreality.   

[giramomma]

You might look to see if you've got a Nar-Anon meeting (or even Al-Anon) to help you (I'm presuming it's you) work through this or a therapist that specializes in addiction issues.

ETA: Just because they admit they have a problem doesn't mean much. It doesn't mean they want to fix it. My H isn't a drug addict, but he's still an addict. He knew he had "a problem" 5ish or so years before he actually did anything about it.

While not the exact same either, my mom knows she suffers from depression, and she knows some of the bouts with it have been bad. She'll be the first to tell you. She still always chose to never seek treatment for it.

[swamp]

Apr 20, 2014 22:51:10 GMT -5 sparks2710 said:

Does anyone have experience with family members/siblings with drug addiction problems? Did they finally admit they had a problem? Were you able to mend your relationship or did you cut them off completely? How do you help someone who won't admit they have a problem? [/quotpe]


No family members but I'm on the county drug court team. You cant help someone who dorsnt want help, and the only way to get them to realize they have a problem is to let them suffer the consequences. Don't bail them out, don't make excuses, don't covet for them.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Yes my husband is a former addict. Yes he admits he has a problem. Yes we were able to mend our marriage.

On the flip side I have a friend who has a serious problem who has been in rehab twice and washed out. I had to cut him out of my life. Way too much drama.

You can't help people who will not help themselves. Unless an addict accepts something is wrong and needs fixed they'll keep going. You can't force them to realize they have a problem, they have to come to that realization themselves.

As my husband put it his turning point was when he looked in the mirror and just plain hated himself.  No amount of begging/crying/yelling by his mother, siblings, friends was going to make him change b/c in his mind they were wrong.  He had to be disgusted with himself before he saw what they saw.

It's why on shows like Intervention so many of the people relapse.  Pay attention sometime, a lot of the ones that relapse are the ones that only agree to go to shut their families up.  The ones that stay sober are the ones who say they WANT to go and are doing it for themselves.

[Jake 48]

Sparks,
try this thread "Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery" sorry for any troubles your going through

[sheilaincali]

DH's older half brother has struggled with drug addiction his entire life. He goes through periods in which he is clean but the damage has been done.  That family has had a lot of loss- their dad is dead, Half-brother's mom abandoned the kids back in 1973 and they haven't seen her since. One sister is dead, both grandparents, etc. The "Family" (two aunts, other siblings, cousins, etc.) have tried over the years to help him but he surrounds himself with users that derail his progress.

He has chosen to isolate himself from his family. He pops up on fb once or twice a year but otherwise he stays away from everyone. Last time we saw him was at Granma's funeral 8 or 9 years ago. DH would love to have a relationship with him because he has so few close family members but his brother isn't at that point currently. He lives in Tennessee and we live in Minnesota (sister lives in Kentucky and other brother lives in North Carolina).

My husband is a recovering addict (not drugs). I couldn't do anything to "help" him until he wanted to get help. In our case he got the help, did the therapy, the 12 steps, etc. Our marriage is on solid ground. For a while there things were pretty shaky.

You can not help someone that doesn't want the help or won't admit there is a problem. You can point them in the right direction but you really can't force them to do something they aren't ready to do. It will backfire on you.  

[sparks2710]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences with me. This is all a new foreign concept to me. From what I understand its an Adderell addiction. Was told it wasn't anything else but who knows really.

All I know is the person I grew up with that was my best friend is no longer that same person. Their personality has changed so much over the last 8 months and I keep hoping that person will come back but it doesn't look like they will.

Thanks everyone!

[sheilaincali]

Sparks- At this point that is what you should tell this person. Tell them that you don't recognize them anymore and that you are concerned about them. They will need to take that first step IF they want to change. They may be in denial and not realize that anyone sees what they are doing to his or herself.

[zibazinski]

Yup, my ex and he knows it and he doesn't care. He even told DD that he'd rather live the way he is living and die young than live to be older and have to stop drinking a abusing drugs. So be it. You can't fix stupid.

[swamp]

Adderral is speed.

[Blonde Granny]

There is a saying in AA: You have to be sick & tired of being sick & tired.

Until that happens, there is nothing anyone can do. Don't make yourself crazy believing you can change this person. You can't win when you play games with a practicing alcoholic or drug addict.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Speed's a hard one to kick. Especially when it's easily available. Adderal is everywhere.

DH used to abuse ephedrine, he said part of what made it "easy" to get sober was shortly beforehand ephedrine was pulled off the market and made illegal. Once access was restricted he found he didn't have the desire to seek out other sources.

[nutty]

 no no no and no.

i have a drug addict sister and she went to jail and lost her kids. it got to much for me.

[NancysSummerSip]

Yes. Drug-addicted cousin and his mother. Both their lives ended in suicide. Turns out the cousin was living a double life, as an addict and drug dealer. No one knew. His father was completely devastated by the loss of his son, an only child, especially since the boy's mother went the same way.

Even after all these years, I'm shocked at how well my cousin hid the addiction and the selling. A brilliant kid, book-smart as heck. For many years, his death was like a skeleton in the family closet, and that door was shut very tight. And locked. No one would discuss it.

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 20, 2014 22:51:10 GMT -5 sparks2710 said:

Does anyone have experience with family members/siblings with drug addiction problems? Did they finally admit they had a problem? Were you able to mend your relationship or did you cut them off completely? How do you help someone who won't admit they have a problem?

Yes, my stepson.

At the moment, yes, he will admit he has a problem, but he is in recovery.

Eventually, yes, but there was a long period of time without contact. We are mending the relationship now.

You don't.

So sorry about your tale, toomuchreality. 

[nutty]

It's not uncommon at all for it to be hidden, I mean who wants people to know.

I am an addict.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Apr 20, 2014 22:51:10 GMT -5 sparks2710 said:

Does anyone have experience with family members/siblings with drug addiction problems? Did they finally admit they had a problem? Were you able to mend your relationship or did you cut them off completely? How do you help someone who won't admit they have a problem?

Yeah, I have a step sibling with a narcotics addiction.  I think that one of the times that I visited, she lifted my travel jewelry roll out of my bag as it disappeared after that visit (but no proof).  To complicate things, she has some physical problems that she uses to feed her addiction.  She deliberately damages herself, it gets her sent to the hospital (where she gets narcotics to deal with the pain she caused herself), gets released and it starts all over again.  Since last fall, she has had no fewer than 12 hospitalizations doing this.  

The local hospital refuses to deal with her, so she needs to go to one 150 miles down the road.  When the hospital decides that they're going to release her, that means someone needs to scramble to pick her up.

My family refuses to cut her off.  When I was there in January, I refused to deal with her and it pissed her off.  I also encouraged her mother not to feed her issues and it worked while I was there policing things.  Once I left, they all fell back into old habits.  I don't see it changing any time soon, but as I'm not there there is nothing I can do.

She doesn't want help, doesn't think she has a problem (despite doing one trip to rehab) so it's a moot point anyway.

[sparks2710]

The sad thing is a drug addiction affects everyone involved, not just the addict. I try to be supportive and understand but I am quickly learning I am being used and taken advantage of and that pisses me off.

I so much want things the way they used to be but I am coming to the realization that I can't fix this and he has to be the one to do it. It just sucks because you don't want to see your loved ones like this.

He is very smart. He was the kind of student that didn't have to study and made straight A's. School became boring to him.

Like I said this is all new for all of us. From what I gather he started taking Adderal when he was working full time and going to school at night full time. Since then his personality has changed and he doesn't think he has a problem. He has since quit school and got fired from his job. He gets by doing odd jobs and such but you always want better for your family.

No one in our family has a drug addiction problem so it's hard for us. We are at the mind set of just letting him suffer the consequences for his actions, but that still affects us all.

Thanks Everyone for sharing your experience with me. This is unfamiliar territory and a hard road ahead.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH got hooked on ephedrine in college because it helped him stay up late to cram. I'm betting your relative fell into the same trap with Adderal. I just read an article in Women's Day that Adderal abuse is becoming a real problem.

You might want to seek out addiction counseling (and bring family members if they want to come too). It isn't just for addicts, it's also for the people who have to deal with them. It's all to easy to fall into the trap of enabling because naturally you want to "help". Addiction counseling can help you figure out the difference and will also provide support.

For free or relatively low cost support Narcotics Anonymous isn't a bad place to start.

[sparks2710]

Thank you everyone. I looked into NA for families. They have meetings once a week on Monday. I work every other Monday so I will give that a try and see what kind of advice they can give.

[toomuchreality]

Good luck sparks. I hope things go well.

[taz157]

Apr 22, 2014 19:45:22 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Good luck sparks. I hope things go well.