Ombud
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Post by Ombud on May 2, 2014 9:30:10 GMT -5
Yeah. She wants / contracted for a dance floor to be brought out & installed that morning
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 2, 2014 9:31:23 GMT -5
You could tell her "no". If she wants all these extras the couple needs to figure out how to pay for it themselves.
Nobody died from not having the exact wine they wanted at their wedding. She could find a less expensive alternative if she had to.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on May 2, 2014 9:33:41 GMT -5
Sit downs with DS go better than with DD.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 2, 2014 9:34:57 GMT -5
Then tell DS "no" and then he needs to tell her "no".
The price tag is going to keep climbing if you don't grind your heels in and tell them enough is enough they've over extended their credit with you. They need to prioritize.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 2, 2014 9:37:42 GMT -5
Ombud, you need to realize that "No" and "I can't" are complete sentences by themselves. Personally, even "Heck NO!!!!" is a sentence that I live by on a daily basis.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 2, 2014 9:42:33 GMT -5
Then tell DS "no" and then he needs to tell her "no". The price tag is going to keep climbing if you don't grind your heels in and tell them enough is enough they've over extended their credit with you. They need to prioritize. They need to prioritize to the point where some things just go. Everyone has to learn to do without stuff. It will be a good lesson for them. You don't owe them anything in terms of paying for any wedding expenses. It's nice that you can and you want to, but once you open the parental bank vault and they walk in, you're screwed.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on May 2, 2014 9:57:28 GMT -5
Give them the $2500 and tell them to have fun deciding what to prioritize.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 2, 2014 10:05:59 GMT -5
Give them the $2500 and tell them to have fun deciding what to prioritize. Its very easy to spend OTHER people's money Thats what your future DIL seems to be doing (unintentionally?? IDK...)
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 2, 2014 11:58:38 GMT -5
We had a catered menu similar to what you're doing. Food was one of my things I was NOT going to do myself!!! We had a local well-known barbecue place do the food. It was inexpensive because they have everything set up for catering as they do it all the time. I think they have something like 7 full-time catering teams.
It was indoor at my home chuch, which is good because it decided to rain the ENTIRE ceremony. Be sure to have a back-up location in case of rain
As for money, we did our wedding without the expectation of our parents providing anything. This however did not stop my mother from paying the catering balance behind my back before I could. Or my MIL giving us money for the rehersal + cake (and making me swear that I would actually deposit the check because she knew DH might 'forget'). Anyway, I agree with everyone say you're getting $X as a wedding present from me, do not expect more.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on May 3, 2014 21:18:23 GMT -5
DS met me at Kinders today and we signed a contract. The menu they're providing is: • ball tip • chicken cut into 1/8s instead of 1/4s (but 1/4 per person) • vegetarian shish kabobs • cesaer salad • fruit salad • rolls / butter • 1 bottle bbq sauce per table instead of 1 bottle per 20 guests
I'll make: ■ orzo salad hors d'oeuvres table -- ■ vegetable platter ■ fruit platter ■ dolmas ■ maybe mini cheesy cornbread muffins
He kept apologizing after we left for how much it cost. He thought I would contribute $2500, with 3 cases wine & servers we're at $3000. So I told him that the rehearsal dinner had to be replaced cheaper than $50 per person. And he agreed. He says he knows of one closer to $20 to $25 and that he will give me some money if it goes over that. So it's all done. I just have to gulp hard that day because his birth mother will be front and center. (When I adopted him at 3 months old he was a whopping five pounds and listed as being permanently disabled as he did not bend.) So I will just be very polite to her and smile as she explains to everybody yet again that she is his mother and I'm only the person that he was with until he was 33.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 4, 2014 6:26:10 GMT -5
Oh crap. Other than an egg and an incubator, just what is SHE contributing besides HER exalted presence?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 4, 2014 6:28:48 GMT -5
That would have nixed it for me right there. DFs stepson , former stepson, that he RAISED and SUPPORTED and was father in EVERY way but sperm, is always reminded how IMPORTANT blood is by HIM. How he just HAD to have his own BIO children even though it almost killed his wife and they had to use a surrogate for the second one. A crazy woman they will never be rid of completely. One of these days I WON'T bite my tongue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2014 6:40:42 GMT -5
Started out with me contributing 2500 for DS's wedding. Then Rehearsal Dinner @ a local restaurant and lite food. Then she wanted a fancier restaurant. Fine. Up to 3k Substitute Kinders. Up to 3.5k Then a wine I cannot get wholesale. Up to 4k Different flowers. Originally mixed ($100) now those alone 1k. Up to 5k Then a full hors d'oeuvre table 8' long ... up to 6k for just my part! I'm about to go the traditional route bc this isn't slowing down .... rehearsal dinner + flowers. Back to 2500 No way in Hell. Sorry, but just No... If this is what she's like now...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2014 8:11:50 GMT -5
maybe I missed it, but what are DS and future DIL paying for? sounds like the entire wedding is going to be under $10K. Back in 1990 I managed to pay that much towards my wedding and kept the $10K my parents contributed to use towards our house a year later. I worked a second job in retail and all that money went straight to the wedding. Maybe future DIL should get a second job so she can have the wedding she wants.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on May 4, 2014 9:54:52 GMT -5
No way would I tolerate this sort of treatment from my children. If I missed out on weddings and grandchildren, so be it.
You allow them to treat you as little more than a wallet. I don't get it...at all.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2014 11:41:51 GMT -5
No way would I tolerate this sort of treatment from my children. If I missed out on weddings and grandchildren, so be it. You allow them to treat you as little more than a wallet. I don't get it...at all. where did you get the idea that her DS is treating her like a wallet? seems like her DS is cognizant of how much she is contributing
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whoami
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Post by whoami on May 4, 2014 12:52:01 GMT -5
No way would I tolerate this sort of treatment from my children. If I missed out on weddings and grandchildren, so be it. You allow them to treat you as little more than a wallet. I don't get it...at all. where did you get the idea that her DS is treating her like a wallet? seems like her DS is cognizant of how much she is contributing LOL...why, because he apologized yet doesn't seem to have reined in his wife to be? If it works for her, then whatever. Wouldn't work for me....and the whole birth mother thing? No effin way.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 4, 2014 12:53:31 GMT -5
No way would I tolerate this sort of treatment from my children. If I missed out on weddings and grandchildren, so be it. You allow them to treat you as little more than a wallet. I don't get it...at all. where did you get the idea that her DS is treating her like a wallet? seems like her DS is cognizant of how much she is contributing Then why he is letting his birth mother be front and center instead of Ombud? Why does the birth mother gets even the right to tell everyone that SHE is the birth mother and Ombud is just the person who raised him? If he is truly thankful, his actions would be otherwise IMO. I am honestly confused.....what are DS and his future wife contributing anything? Why does Ombud HAVE to give in for what the future DIL wants? Can't the future DIL reign in her expectations??
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2014 15:40:15 GMT -5
I only have step not adopted mom experience, but I also know how difficult it was sometimes answering people's questions. I got in trouble once because someone asked me, 'which one is she.' And I said, my stepmom... I mean, how else was I supposed to answer that question? There needs to be a way to designate 'biological parent' ... Or make sure everyone knows her first name/relationship...
I think Anne's comment has merit too. I can remember being exhausted at sons christening and profusely thanking an acquaintance of my husbands for some small task, which made my mom and sister think I wasn't grateful for their much larger efforts, but really I just hated that woman... Sometimes the face you put on in public isn't exactly reflective of who you are or what you really feel...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 4, 2014 15:58:32 GMT -5
DFs princess actually had the nerve to call and flat out ask how much DF was going to contribute to her wedding. This person is 26 years old and is making over 80k a year. She hasn't spoken to him but barely in over 4 years unless she wanted something, like his mothers engagement ring, which he didnt give her. The fact that he even speaks to her says volumes about him to me.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on May 4, 2014 20:50:46 GMT -5
I think sometimes we take the ones we truly love and truly love us for granted. He knows Ombud will always be there for him. He probably has to walk on eggshells around bio-mom and doesn't really trust that she will be in his life unless he does things the way she wants. Understandable anne81. Its pretty sad though if that is the case. Ask one person for all the effort and give the importance publicly to another.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2014 21:12:20 GMT -5
Started out with me contributing 2500 for DS's wedding. Then Rehearsal Dinner @ a local restaurant and lite food. Then she wanted a fancier restaurant. Fine. Up to 3k Substitute Kinders. Up to 3.5k Then a wine I cannot get wholesale. Up to 4k Different flowers. Originally mixed ($100) now those alone 1k. Up to 5k Then a full hors d'oeuvre table 8' long ... up to 6k for just my part! I'm about to go the traditional route bc this isn't slowing down .... rehearsal dinner + flowers. Back to 2500 It is time to have a chat that there isn't an open checkbook. I disagree with the people that believe the memories you make on this one day are life long important. It is all the days after that are the truly important ones. A wedding is a celebration of happiness for the new couple, not a monetary hemorrhage. I will be posting later asking how to convince my DD that a pajama party wedding would be fun She has been resistant to eloping, but wants to find an inexpensive way to do a wedding so I'll give her money for down-payment on a house instead. We'll have to come up with super creative budget friendly approach to the wedding.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on May 4, 2014 22:53:27 GMT -5
Went rehearsal dinner tasting tonight & had a phenomenal dinner at a new to us restaurant where it'll only come to $800-850. Stated it will be no-host bar. So my contribution will be capped at 4k
I'm happy
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milee
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Post by milee on May 5, 2014 5:27:09 GMT -5
I disagree with the people that believe the memories you make on this one day are life long important. It is all the days after that are the truly important ones. A wedding is a celebration of happiness for the new couple, not a monetary hemorrhage. I will be posting later asking how to convince my DD that a pajama party wedding would be fun She has been resistant to eloping, but wants to find an inexpensive way to do a wedding so I'll give her money for down-payment on a house instead. We'll have to come up with super creative budget friendly approach to the wedding. This would be a great new thread! Very fun and it would be interesting to see what good ideas people come up with.
Off the top of my head, I'm thinking moonlight wedding. Very romantic and unique. Plus, because it's such an unusual time and theme, you have much more flexibility to try new things or omit some of the traditional expensive ones without people even missing them. Pick a night when the moon is at it's brightest and schedule it for 8 or 9 PM. You can have it at a fairly simple venue because it's at night (park, terrace). Have recorded soft classical music playing as people arrive (most won't even know the difference between a live chamber orchestra and the recording.) Won't need tons of expensive flowers since again, it's dark, but you can use a few white Christmas lights to outline certain areas and softly glowing lights for centerpieces. Given the late hour, no heavy food needed, just some nibblies and cake. Keep the drinks light and bubbly to go with the theme - prosecco and/or sparkling punch. This could be not only the most economical wedding type, but she'd be the talk of the season for doing something so unique and fun.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 5:44:48 GMT -5
I disagree with the people that believe the memories you make on this one day are life long important. It is all the days after that are the truly important ones. A wedding is a celebration of happiness for the new couple, not a monetary hemorrhage. I will be posting later asking how to convince my DD that a pajama party wedding would be fun She has been resistant to eloping, but wants to find an inexpensive way to do a wedding so I'll give her money for down-payment on a house instead. We'll have to come up with super creative budget friendly approach to the wedding. This would be a great new thread! Very fun and it would be interesting to see what good ideas people come up with.
Off the top of my head, I'm thinking moonlight wedding. Very romantic and unique. Plus, because it's such an unusual time and theme, you have much more flexibility to try new things or omit some of the traditional expensive ones without people even missing them. Pick a night when the moon is at it's brightest and schedule it for 8 or 9 PM. You can have it at a fairly simple venue because it's at night (park, terrace). Have recorded soft classical music playing as people arrive (most won't even know the difference between a live chamber orchestra and the recording.) Won't need tons of expensive flowers since again, it's dark, but you can use a few white Christmas lights to outline certain areas and softly glowing lights for centerpieces. Given the late hour, no heavy food needed, just some nibblies and cake. Keep the drinks light and bubbly to go with the theme - prosecco and/or sparkling punch. This could be not only the most economical wedding type, but she'd be the talk of the season for doing something so unique and fun.
do you mean actually having people wear pajamas to the wedding/reception?
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milee
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Post by milee on May 5, 2014 7:35:31 GMT -5
Me? No. My idea of the moonlight thing would be secret and romantic adventure, not PJ party.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 7:54:47 GMT -5
Me? No. My idea of the moonlight thing would be secret and romantic adventure, not PJ party. shoot, replied to the wrong post.....my reply was for the post you replied to.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on May 18, 2014 20:39:05 GMT -5
It's next weekend and DB's family (him, wife, their DD's family, & their DS) still haven't responded. I no longer care. Its only 8 people (they're local too)
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on May 18, 2014 20:58:25 GMT -5
I would just fork over the cash you plan to give them, $2500 and let them figure it out.
I don't get the big deal about weddings... so take my opinion for what it's worth.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on May 18, 2014 21:23:29 GMT -5
No. There's another 180 guests coming. It's just not important enough to DB for them to even respond
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