I really don't know what to do?

[nutty]

Real life guys. Be nice please.

This is awful, I woulldn't wish it on mt worst enemy.

Would you continue to fight or give it up.

 I am at the end of my rope.

[sparks2710]

Can you give us a little more details about what you are referring too? Would love to help you but don't understand your situation.

[Deleted]

Apr 20, 2014 15:06:30 GMT -5 nutty said:

Real life guys. Be nice please.

This is awful, I woulldn't wish it on mt worst enemy.

Would you continue to fight or give it up.

 I am at the end of my rope.

Yes

[nutty]

Sorry my husband said he has been un happy for years. I dont know what he wants or whether to fight for it.. do i just say ok or fight.

[giramomma]

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

[nutty]

I should I have no car.  I should.
i am so sad.

[Deleted]

Apr 20, 2014 15:10:24 GMT -5 nutty said:

Sorry my husband said he has been un happy for years. I dont know what he wants or whether to fight for it.. do i just say ok or fight.

Well nutty, what do YOU want? Do you still want to be married to him? Not the man he use to be or the man you think he could be, but the person he is right now? I think sometimes you have to search your heart and figure out what YOU really want and what's in your own best interest before you try to make that mesh (or not) with someone else, even someone you're already married to. Then you'll be a bit clearer on how to proceed as you move forward, whatever you decide. That's my short answer, lol. Good luck to you!

[kittensaver]

Yes, I am being nice in real life. I have been in your situation before (years ago, with a live-in, looooooong term, commitment-phobic, three-timing boyfriend) so I feel your pain.

You might want to ask yourself two questions:

1) What am I "getting" out of being miserable?, and

2) Why do I want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me?

A wise friend posed these questions to me many years ago. They helped me break free. And yes, I spent some time alone/single before DH finally came along. But they gave me the courage to face myself and 'get out.'

Hugs to you and good luck whatever you decide.

[sparks2710]

Sorry Nutty you are going through this.

How do you feel about the situation? Do you want to make it work? Have you talked with your DH about counseling? There is no right or wrong answer in this situation. It sucks no matter what. I like what Kittensaver posted regarding the two questions. Why do you want to be in this relationship? Is it because you are afraid to be alone or because you depend on your husband for so much, or is it because you truly love him?

I hope maybe you guys can talk it over and seek professional counseling if you need it. We are all here to support you and give you guidance. Breakup and separations are rough, I don't care who you are.

[nutty]

 he said he is not going to make any decision until his counseling on thurs. i mean what does he want this person to say? yes follow your heart? i dont get it.

[nutty]

  i go back and forth i want to hurt him like he has hurt me but is that what he wants. sorry typing with one hand grandbaby in other.

[mmhmm]

Personally, I'd ignore it.  He's not going to make a decision now, he's said.  Fine.  He's going to make a decision during/after his counseling session.  Fine.  There's not a damned thing you can do about it, naggie.  Not a damned thing.  When he's made his decision, he'll either act on it, or he won't.  If he decides he wants a divorce, show him where the door is and tell him to use it as an exit and you hope he finds it to be the door into happiness.  Then, get on with your life.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Is this one-on-one counseling or marriage counseling?

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

No one here can make this decision but you.  

However, you have no car, you have no way of supporting yourself.  What are you going to do financially!  You have been talking about this for a couple years now, but from what I can tell have made no movements to protect yourself.

At this point, I think that you need to let your daughter fend for herself and use some of your energy in preparing YOU for the workforce.

[nutty]

I know that, but a lot of info to be gained. I really want to escort him to the door right now and say here's your exit to happiness. Why I am putting up with this. That is what I don't know. It's horrible. I am going insane.

[nutty]

It is counseling for him through EAP.

[nutty]

Everyone is right, I don't know why I have not made a decision. I love him maybe I don't know. Do I ?

[achelois]

Living well is the best revenge. 

If you are unhappy and he is unhappy, why prolong the misery?  Trying to get "revenge" by being petty is juvenile. 

get your finances in order, get a job and start taking care of yourself--focus on that and you will not have so much time to be unhappy or you will be too tired to spend much time thinking about how miserable you feel. 

You have been going round and round for years. Get off the carousel. 

Voice of experience here. 

[NancysSummerSip]

Apr 20, 2014 16:24:57 GMT -5 nutty said:

Everyone is right, I don't know why I have not made a decision. I love him maybe I don't know. Do I ?

Probably somewhere deep down, yes, you do. This is the father of your children, the grandfather of your grandbaby. You don't lose love that easily. But affection, attraction, the desire to dedicate yourself to a relationship - those things do go away without work or the desire to keep them going.

But the stone-cold reality: you cannot currently support yourself. Yes, in a divorce, you may wind up with some alimony. But that does not happen right away, assuming it does at all. You still have to face the fact of paying bills, even if he leaves and you stay in your home. He may take you up on using that exit in the fullest sense of the word, and leave you with all the expenses. Who is paying for gas, electric, cable, phone, Internet, food, car repairs and maintenance, clothes, the bills your DD cannot cover? I know you can find a job, but at this moment, you don't have one. You may not have sufficient skills to get one that pays well enough to cover all your needs.

You have to weigh the options: staying with someone who does not seem to want to work at this marriage, and who may make your life miserable by deciding to keep you around while he goes and lives his own life, spending his own money as he pleases,

vs.

Showing him that exit and having to dig, claw and scramble for every cent possible to give yourself a life of your own.

Both options are doable, by the way. But which one can you live with?

[Phoenix84]

I don't know what the answer is Nutty, but I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Good luck in trying to figure things out. Pink Cashmier had good advice in trying to focus on what you want.

[nutty]

We talked about it, I feel very confident that I will be moving on very soon. I am not going to fight it, he def. seems to have some MH issues right now and I am worried about him but I can't let that stop me from moving on.

[milee]

Now that you've reached a decision, you can start to form a plan. Sorry you're going through this.

So, what are your next steps for moving on?

[Shooby]

You need to just follow your path. If you are fighting , don't engage that. Be done with that
. Pursue peace in your home. Go talk to a Pastor or counselor for clarity.

[nutty]

Get a job, get my car back from my DS who totalled his car about a month ago and hasn't made a decision, make two attorney consults, get my cash together and be out of here in one month.

I do I want peace, I want blessed peace in my life.

[nutty]

Rent an apartment, going to have to do some finagling on that one. Hopefully DD complex will take pity on me and rent me one. Going to lots of obstacles but I am ready to fight them out of my way.

Telling the kids is going to be tough.

Because now that I have made the decision to go it is going to be my fault. Oh well everyone can get over that shit. Of course DD will fight me on moving out but oh well.

[nutty]

Got a job in south Fl.

got more pals down there too help me and Dd will move down there as c's family is down there. i just told him i have a job and one pup pup rehomed alreadsy and he is pissed.

[busymom]

<HUGS>  for everything you're dealing with.  So sorry! 

I like that you've got some good options.

[mmhmm]

I'm glad to hear you're acting instead of fretting, naggie.  That's what's going to get you where you're going, hon.  You'll probably catch grief from several sides, but folks don't always like it when they find out someone they thought had no spine has actually grown one while they weren't looking.    Just keep putting yourself first until you find the peace you're looking for.  It's not until we've seen to our own needs that we're actually fit to see to anyone else's.  Hang in there, girl.  It'll be a bumpy ride, but you can do it!

[nutty]

Thank you all ..... I am not worthy of your great advice, sorry just watching the good wife...

I think I might seriously look at the south fl option, maybe check it out for 6 months

I am outta here maties.

[mmhmm]

Sounds good, nutty!