advice you want to give, but won't

[Deleted]

Do you ever listen to people complaining about their miserable lives, and you want to offer your advice, but you keep your mouth shut because it would offend them?

Example: A cousin complaining on Facebook about her miserable life. I want to tell her to work more hours, get a different job, or relocate. I don't say a word.

A lot of it is common sense.

[Deleted]

Oh yeah. People think I talk too much but man, if they knew what I was holding back  

But then, I try to remind myself I'm not perfect either... It's a rather depressing cycle, really 

I have had some minimal success lately, but it's exhausting how much of an effort it is to give advice/have 'the talk's without offending anyone... 

But, to the point. 

Most recently I want to tell a lot of my homeschool friends not to blow their tax returns, but I'm keeping it shut on that one. 

I sometimes want to say 'What the hell are you thinking' when someone says they want to have another kid/ are pregnant again... But I'm good at covering that response too...

[kjto1]

Yes.  I don't know if it would offend them, they just think I don't know how the world of money works. 

[Deleted]

I mostly find that people make their own 'bad luck'. It is rarely a person that has made great choices moaning about how awful the world is.

Health is the only area where luck is in play. You can do everything right with your body and find out you are riddled with cancer at 35. 

I have no patience with people moaning about their life except for the health things. My answer on FB is usually "so what are you going to DO about it?" or "What is your action plan to overcome this?".  Want to guess how often that gets a response? Exactly 0.

[dcmetrocrab]

Is there a difference between venting and complaining? I think the former typically ends with acknowledgement, then a decision to do something about it or a seeking of validation of the situation. I feel venting is healthy to a point, but it's hard to tell the difference unless you know that person's track record. 

[tloonya]

Apr 5, 2014 11:49:48 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Do you ever listen to people complaining about their miserable lives, and you want to offer your advice, but you keep your mouth shut because it would offend them?

Example: A cousin complaining on Facebook about her miserable life. I want to tell her to work more hours, get a different job, or relocate. I don't say a word.

A lot of it is common sense.

Why won't you say a word?

[bookkeeper]

Some people have been asking advice of my DH lately since he is scheduled to retire.  A few people want to know how he can retire at 55, but not that many have asked.  I suspect they already know the answer.

The answer is simple. Work a good job for 31 years, save some money, drive a 10 year old car. Staying married to your first wife and having only two children who have both contributed to their college educations has made a big difference too.

 

[Deleted]

Apr 5, 2014 13:02:32 GMT -5 @tbird said:

I think that unwanted advice is intrusive - and won't likely ever help the situation it was meant to address - so what is the point?

If there is something that needs addressing - you can sa it once, and then followup with "well - you know what I think!" if the topic is brought up again.

I have a cousin that I've had to bite my tongue around for the past 15 years in the interest of maintaining family harmony.

The latest is she's decided to start sending her 12 year old to the alternative school in our town because he's so far behind in math (due mainly to her carting him all over the world with her for years and not really paying attention to school schedules or if he was learning anything).  I didn't even know the alternative school took kids that young.  It used to be just high school.  Pregnant teens who needed on-site daycare, kids that were working full-time, lots of problem kids...a rough bunch.  Not where I'd send my 6th grader to spend his next 6 years learning.  She figured the smaller classes and on on one would be better, but I checked the state tests and only 5% of the kids there passed the math competency exams, so they're obviously not that helpful for what he needs anyhow.   Charter schools, private tutors...I'd do a LOT before going the alternative school route. 

I think she seriously is hurting him by doing this.

[Bonny]

Apr 5, 2014 11:49:48 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Do you ever listen to people complaining about their miserable lives, and you want to offer your advice, but you keep your mouth shut because it would offend them?

Example: A cousin complaining on Facebook about her miserable life. I want to tell her to work more hours, get a different job, or relocate. I don't say a word.

A lot of it is common sense.

Naaaa; knock back a couple of drinks and "Go all YM on them". Stops the complaining!

[swasat]

Apr 5, 2014 11:49:48 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Do you ever listen to people complaining about their miserable lives, and you want to offer your advice, but you keep your mouth shut because it would offend them?

Example: A cousin complaining on Facebook about her miserable life. I want to tell her to work more hours, get a different job, or relocate. I don't say a word.

A lot of it is common sense.

I have permanent lines on my face from raising my eyebows and trying to keep my mouth shut at the same time......


For me its usually the emotional drama that I have to hear about. Most of my friends and family have no financial issues. But the emotional crap.....oh my lord......

It doesn't help that I am a very no nonsense person. I ususally don't take crap from anyone. So its beyond my understanding why people take so much emotional crap and then bitch about it, instead of not taking it in the first place. I know its bad of me but I just cannot empathize.

[Spellbound454]

I'm usually around kids and they just do as they are old.

but adults make their own decisions....and they have to have ownership of their own problems.

So, its not usually more than suggestions or encouragement.

[lynnerself]

I had to bite my tongue when a co worker bought a house.

I was the only one in the office that thought it was a bad idea.

It was when the first time buyer credit was around and she bought  a foreclosure or something for a good price.

But her husband had terrible job history, a bankruptcy and some mental health issues.

Sure enough two year later, her husband has flaked out, she's carrying all the bills, she would like to divorce him and get a 2 bedroom apartment for her daughter and herself.

But instead she's tied to a house payment that is 1/2 her take home pay.

[Deleted]

MPL- Is it possible that she is presenting it as 'her choice' , when in fact her child might have no choice? ...

[tcu2003]

Yes! My cousin complains frequently about money, and then will tell me to "hold on a second" while she orders breakfast, lunch, or dinner from a fast food restaurant. Seriously - the fact that you're spending so much money eating out doesn't seem to be part of the problem? Or maybe it's that between she and her husband, they have 4 vehicle loans (yes, 4 - his, hers, his Vette, and their oldest daughter's car). They actually have a cheap mortgage and make okay money (probably $70k or so between the two of them), but can barely make ends meet. I mostly bite my tongue - she doesn't want to hear it from me (or anyone). And besides, I'm younger than her - how could I possibly know anything?

I did actually say something when she talked about taking out loans for their oldest when she starts college in two years. They didn't want her to have loans so she and her husband intend to take them out if daughter doesn't get a full ride (which is highly unlikely). I'm pretty sure my comments and reasonings about what a terrible plan that was went in one ear and out the other.

[Deleted]

Apr 5, 2014 15:58:59 GMT -5 oped said:

MPL- Is it possible that she is presenting it as 'her choice' , when in fact her child might have no choice? ...

Maybe, but I don't think the school district can just force you to send your child there. It's basically just giving up as far as I'm concerned. There are several other public and private options, tutors, summer math programs...  After growing up with her, I'm going with that she just doesn't want to put in the effort OR be the bad guy with her kid that she just lets do whatever he wants most of the time.   They presented this option with no homework and shorter days and he was all over it.  

[bookkeeper]

Apr 5, 2014 16:12:52 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

Yes! My cousin complains frequently about money, and then will tell me to "hold on a second" while she orders breakfast, lunch, or dinner from a fast food restaurant. Seriously - the fact that you're spending so much money eating out doesn't seem to be part of the problem? Or maybe it's that between she and her husband, they have 4 vehicle loans (yes, 4 - his, hers, his Vette, and their oldest daughter's car). They actually have a cheap mortgage and make okay money (probably $70k or so between the two of them), but can barely make ends meet. I mostly bite my tongue - she doesn't want to hear it from me (or anyone). And besides, I'm younger than her - how could I possibly know anything?

I did actually say something when she talked about taking out loans for their oldest when she starts college in two years. They didn't want her to have loans so she and her husband intend to take them out if daughter doesn't get a full ride (which is highly unlikely). I'm pretty sure my comments and reasonings about what a terrible plan that was went in one ear and out the other.

I hate to break it to her, but even if your kid gets a full tuition scholarship, the dorm and meal plan costs $8000/year.

When our son received a prestigious scholarship to a state school, many people assumed it was all expenses paid. Not true, he/we still get to cover books, fees, and living expenses out of our pocket.

[Deleted]

I really have to back away from the keyboard on FaceBook sometimes. Two areas of my life where I think I've done well due to hard work and discipline (and, of course the grace of God or luck, depending on your beliefs) are finances and keeping in shape. One former classmate made reference to her and her husband's "meager savings" when complaining about the high cost of healthcare. She's my age (61) and a retired nurse. Now, maybe she retired because of back problems- it happened to my SIL after moving too many patients- but if you're 61 and you have meager savings should you maybe have found other work rather than retiring? And then there are the ones who joke about how out of shape they are and how they can't lose weight and they post recipe for "millionaire spaghetti pie" ("Be sure to share this on your timeline") or- my favorite- a concoction of packaged cookie dough in the bottom of a muffin tin cup, followed by a Reese's peanut butter cup, covered by a layer of brownie mix prepared according to directions, then baked. Ummm, yeah, I'd have to have all my pants taken out if I allowed that stuff in my kitchen.

I started posting nutritional information after looking up the ingredients since, mysteriously, the recipes never supplied that info. It was not appreciated.

ETA:oh yeah- the friend with the meager savings who also says she can't lose weight owns an iPad and a smartphone (although she laughs about her lack of tech savvy) and posts details of the food she and her hubby enjoy when they go out to eat.

[teen persuasion]

Apr 5, 2014 17:14:21 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

Apr 5, 2014 16:12:52 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

Yes! My cousin complains frequently about money, and then will tell me to "hold on a second" while she orders breakfast, lunch, or dinner from a fast food restaurant. Seriously - the fact that you're spending so much money eating out doesn't seem to be part of the problem? Or maybe it's that between she and her husband, they have 4 vehicle loans (yes, 4 - his, hers, his Vette, and their oldest daughter's car). They actually have a cheap mortgage and make okay money (probably $70k or so between the two of them), but can barely make ends meet. I mostly bite my tongue - she doesn't want to hear it from me (or anyone). And besides, I'm younger than her - how could I possibly know anything?

I did actually say something when she talked about taking out loans for their oldest when she starts college in two years. They didn't want her to have loans so she and her husband intend to take them out if daughter doesn't get a full ride (which is highly unlikely). I'm pretty sure my comments and reasonings about what a terrible plan that was went in one ear and out the other.

I hate to break it to her, but even if your kid gets a full tuition scholarship, the dorm and meal plan costs $8000/year.  $12000/year.

When our son received a prestigious scholarship to a state school, many people assumed it was all expenses paid. Not true, he/we still get to cover books, fees, and living expenses out of our pocket.

Fixed it for you. It was $10k for R&B in 2008 when DD1 started college. Now it is ~$12k for DD3.

[Deleted]

Apr 5, 2014 19:01:57 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

I really have to back away from the keyboard on FaceBook sometimes. Two areas of my life where I think I've done well due to hard work and discipline (and, of course the grace of God or luck, depending on your beliefs) are finances and keeping in shape. One former classmate made reference to her and her husband's "meager savings" when complaining about the high cost of healthcare. She's my age (61) and a retired nurse. Now, maybe she retired because of back problems- it happened to my SIL after moving too many patients- but if you're 61 and you have meager savings should you maybe have found other work rather than retiring? And then there are the ones who joke about how out of shape they are and how they can't lose weight and they post recipe for "millionaire spaghetti pie" ("Be sure to share this on your timeline") or- my favorite- a concoction of packaged cookie dough in the bottom of a muffin tin cup, followed by a Reese's peanut butter cup, covered by a layer of brownie mix prepared according to directions, then baked. Ummm, yeah, I'd have to have all my pants taken out if I allowed that stuff in my kitchen.

I started posting nutritional information after looking up the ingredients since, mysteriously, the recipes never supplied that info. It was not appreciated.

ETA:oh yeah- the friend with the meager savings who also says she can't lose weight owns an iPad and a smartphone (although she laughs about her lack of tech savvy) and posts details of the food she and her hubby enjoy when they go out to eat.

uh...yum! 

Probably not a good idea to eat them everyday, but I could totally go for one right now.

[tcu2003]

Apr 5, 2014 17:14:21 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I hate to break it to her, but even if your kid gets a full tuition scholarship, the dorm and meal plan costs $8000/year.

[/p]

When our son received a prestigious scholarship to a state school, many people assumed it was all expenses paid. Not true, he/we still get to cover books, fees, and living expenses out of our pocket.

[/quote]

Yeah...I'm hoping they get smart and pick the local state school that's in the town they live in and has the program she wants to major in. Right now, though, their top choice is a private school a couple of hours away. Sigh. Thankfully she's only a sophomore, so maybe something will sink in over the next couple of years.

[Nazgul Girl]

Apr 5, 2014 19:01:57 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

I really have to back away from the keyboard on FaceBook sometimes. Two areas of my life where I think I've done well due to hard work and discipline (and, of course the grace of God or luck, depending on your beliefs) are finances and keeping in shape. One former classmate made reference to her and her husband's "meager savings" when complaining about the high cost of healthcare. She's my age (61) and a retired nurse. Now, maybe she retired because of back problems- it happened to my SIL after moving too many patients- but if you're 61 and you have meager savings should you maybe have found other work rather than retiring? And then there are the ones who joke about how out of shape they are and how they can't lose weight and they post recipe for "millionaire spaghetti pie" ("Be sure to share this on your timeline") or- my favorite- a concoction of packaged cookie dough in the bottom of a muffin tin cup, followed by a Reese's peanut butter cup, covered by a layer of brownie mix prepared according to directions, then baked. Ummm, yeah, I'd have to have all my pants taken out if I allowed that stuff in my kitchen.

I started posting nutritional information after looking up the ingredients since, mysteriously, the recipes never supplied that info. It was not appreciated.

ETA:oh yeah- the friend with the meager savings who also says she can't lose weight owns an iPad and a smartphone (although she laughs about her lack of tech savvy) and posts details of the food she and her hubby enjoy when they go out to eat.

  I find that concoction ( the baked "treat " ) absoluely nauseating.   I can't figure out how anyone even thought of it.   It is hard for me to lose weight, though, although I've lost 18 lbs so far this year.   So, I'm on the right track.   I think it's cool that you supply nutritional info on that junk food.   ( Sorry, MPL, I'm no trying to slam your tastebuds ).   

 I only post on facebook about my exercise, weight loss, and resisting the siren call of calories.   I don't post pictures of what I eat, which seems to be the latest fad.   I can go to the same restaurant chain and order the same dish, so why bother posting a picture of it ?   I don't get that.

[Nazgul Girl]

   I gave up giving advice long ago, except to my DD.   Even with her, quite often she doesn't want it, so I let it ride.   Either people don't want it, don't like it, don't want to fix their problems, like to whine, or my favorite, only do a small part of what I think their programme should be, and then come back and tell me that "it" didn't work.   I am very good at discussing peoples' options with them if they ask me, though, and they seem to like that better.

[Anne_in_VA]

Yeah, I have to shut my mouth with several people I know. One friend always seems to complain that she never has any money, but will go to Starbucks every day and sometimes twice a day. Then there are the lunches out, expensive, natural vitamins, supplements, etc. She works two jobs, but can't seem to make ends meet.

Then there's my sister. She's retired due to being offered early retirement from her job at 45 or so. She's in her mid 60's now. She always complains about money too, but always has time and money for trips with her seniors group.  She doesn't drive, lives in a really cheap apartment, so I can't figure out what she does with her money. 

The few times I gave advice to either person (when asked), it wasn't well received at all.

Don't even get me started on my SD.  She's a train wreck!

[milee]

To a young person who wants to be a professional musician - have a backup plan.

[whoisjohngalt]

If I'd learn to keep my mouth shut, I'd probably have more friends....

[Deleted]

Apr 6, 2014 20:35:34 GMT -5 Anne_in_VA said:

Then there's my sister. She's retired due to being offered early retirement from her job at 45 or so. She's in her mid 60's now. She always complains about money too, but always has time and money for trips with her seniors group.

I was with a sub of Prudential in the early 1990s when they had an early retirement incentive for long-term employees. There were some in their early 50s, mostly female clerical types who started straight out of HS, who had great plans to travel and visit their grandchildren. At the time I remember wondering what they'd do when they were in their 70s and their pensions didn't go as far as they used to.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 5, 2014 19:01:57 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

I started posting nutritional information after looking up the ingredients since, mysteriously, the recipes never supplied that info. It was not appreciated.

What response were you expecting to get?  Did you think that they didn't realize that the recipe was unhealthy or that they don't understand that calories eaten affects weight? 

[skubikky]

Apr 5, 2014 13:37:57 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

Some people have been asking advice of my DH lately since he is scheduled to retire.  A few people want to know how he can retire at 55, but not that many have asked.  I suspect they already know the answer.

The answer is simple. Work a good job for 31 years, save some money, drive a 10 year old car. Staying married to your first wife and having only two children who have both contributed to their college educations has made a big difference too.

 

A few things to add:
- don't get downsized from your 31 year job
- don't get sick and don't experience serious illness of spouse or children
- don't get in a major car accident and be left disabled
- don't have spouse divorce you against your wishes

[morrisr2d2]

Unfortunately most people don't change until circumstances force them to do so - it's just human nature. Most of the time when people gripe they aren't looking for advice but for a way to bond and connect with others, and misery loves company! I just smile and say "that's unfortunate, I hope you figure it out - want another drink? I'm buying..."

I have so many family members that complain about their weight and high blood pressure and cholesterol, and I suffered a while from it too. Then I made material changes to my diet and exercise and took control of my health, and they were all astounded like I had jumped the moon, and there was "no way" they could eat and work out like me. I hope one day they figure out they actually can!

[skubikky]

Apr 6, 2014 9:08:52 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   I gave up giving advice long ago, except to my DD.   Even with her, quite often she doesn't want it, so I let it ride.   Either people don't want it, don't like it, don't want to fix their problems, like to whine, or my favorite, only do a small part of what I think their programme should be, and then come back and tell me that "it" didn't work.   I am very good at discussing peoples' options with them if they ask me, though, and they seem to like that better.

Have you always listened to other's advice for you through your life? 
How do you think other people viewed the things you did when not taking "good" advice?
Often enough, the only way many can learn something is to go through it and navigate it themselves.

Also, how do you think the way you speak when giving advice is received?