Different $$ Outlooks

[Iggy aka IG]

So, a conversation at my house Saturday evening, and Blonde Granny's food waste weekly post this morning got me wondering:  How do y'all handle it if your spouse/partner has a different outlook on personal finance?

[The Captain]

I was a huge struggle the first few years of my marriage.  DH has no real concept of finances and no desire to really learn but wants to be able to spend without prior discussion/permission.  We finally agreed to the his/hers/ours account system with each getting an equal "allowance" to do with as they please and any excess going to the house pot to cover household expenses.

It took a few months with several hundred unaccounted for ATM withdrawals to finally get him to agree to this system.

DH still counts on me to say if we can afford something or not.  It puts all of the pressure on me and I (to be honest) do sometimes resent it.  He's IT and I am an accountant, but the old line "Well YOU'RE the accountant" gets old...

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 17, 2014 12:23:16 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

So, a conversation at my house Saturday evening, and Blonde Granny's food waste weekly post this morning got me wondering:  How do y'all handle it if your spouse/partner has a different outlook on personal finance?

I don't let him near our money.  He doesn't know where our accounts are and how much money we have.

I am pretty sure he would faint if he knew our net worth. 

But it's "don't ask, don't tell" policy around here

[The Captain]

Mar 17, 2014 13:20:14 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Mar 17, 2014 12:23:16 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

So, a conversation at my house Saturday evening, and Blonde Granny's food waste weekly post this morning got me wondering:  How do y'all handle it if your spouse/partner has a different outlook on personal finance?

I don't let him near our money.  He doesn't know where our accounts are and how much money we have.

I am pretty sure he would faint if he knew our net worth. 

But it's "don't ask, don't tell" policy around here

Lena - I've thought about this, but am concerned it would create "trust" issues. Your DH honestly doesn't want to know anything?

I guess mine is worried I'll run off with one of my boyfriends

[Iggy aka IG]

Mar 17, 2014 13:35:42 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Mar 17, 2014 13:20:14 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I don't let him near our money.  He doesn't know where our accounts are and how much money we have.

I am pretty sure he would faint if he knew our net worth. 

But it's "don't ask, don't tell" policy around here

Lena - I've thought about this, but am concerned it would create "trust" issues. Your DH honestly doesn't want to know anything?

I guess mine is worried I'll run off with one of my boyfriends

My new stance is a lead by example, I've decided, especially after Saturday evening.  In the "What I've done...." SS thread, I posted I started a savings account last Friday.  This is a huge step for me, considering I don't trust banks.  In an attempt to be positive, I mentioned to DH I think the recession days are behind us.  (We went through a bankruptcy in 2010, and it scarred me for life.)  His response?  Well, maybe I can get a third job.

Mind you, he just went through months of 70 hour work weeks (which have now been reduced back down to 45 hours), during which I was saying:  Squirrel it away!

So I asked him, "Can't you quit job 2?  Have you been squirreling it away?"  I get a dirty look, I shot back a told you so look.

Granted, he is 7 years younger than I, but still.  We all know it's never to early to start saving for retirement.

So, how is it he brings home twice as much as I, but I am able to sock away money for the first time since, well, ever?    (Rhetorical, of course, because I know he buys too much stuff/crap/tobacco/soda/whateves.)

Would I have gone bankrupt had I not known him?  Who knows?  But I will never, EVER repeat my financial mistakes.  Nor have I ever blamed anyone but myself.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I control everything.  Yet DH whines when I tell him we cannot afford something.  I've offered to let him handle it but he has no interest in managing our finances whatsoever.  He can't even tell you what's in our bank account, I could drain it tomorrow and he'd be none the wiser.

Drives me crazy.  We tried separate accounts but he kept overdrawing and then raiding joint savings to pay off the fees.  So we went down to one joint account that I handle.  I pay all our bills, keep track of our paychecks, EVERYTHING.

I really need to create a "in the event I die" spreadsheet.  He has his own username for our bank account but doesn't remember it.  He doesn't know any of them for the bills.  I tend to be bad and use the same username and one of 4 passwords so he could probably guess if I died.

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 17, 2014 13:35:42 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Mar 17, 2014 13:20:14 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I don't let him near our money.  He doesn't know where our accounts are and how much money we have.

I am pretty sure he would faint if he knew our net worth. 

But it's "don't ask, don't tell" policy around here

Lena - I've thought about this, but am concerned it would create "trust" issues. Your DH honestly doesn't want to know anything?

I guess mine is worried I'll run off with one of my boyfriends

I know I sound flippant about it, but the truth is, my husband handed over his finances to me 2 months after we met.  We weren't even engaged yet.  He was very relieved not to have to do it.

He knows that I am make sure we are doing well and have what we need. 

The ONLY point of contention we ever had money related has to do with how much we give/don't give to his parents.  Everything else he is 100% OK  with what I am doing.

Oh and my husband knows I am way too lazy to run off, so that's not an issue

[Iggy aka IG]

NomoreDramaQ1015, I did the same thing in January, listing all the HH accounts, my bank accounts, life insurance, etc.  And I just did the same re: the new savings account.  I also communicated all of this to my sister, who is the 2nd beneficiary should DH and I die at the same time.

To be fair, DH does pay for the WiFi and satellite, and half the mortgage.  However, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have the first two.  I have internet here @ the office, and can, (and have), live without TV.

Interesting, so in all the responses on this thread so far, it is the woman of the house who handles the finances.  Wonder if this is the case out in the "real world", or a SS thing?

[The Captain]

Iggy aka IG - DH and I are very much an ant and grasshopper relationship.

To give you an example - we both get the same "allowance".  I have about 26X's as much as DH saved up in my personal account over the years (and now some in taxable accounts).  I've also made a few "big ticket" purchases for him/household over the years so the gap would be even bigger...I consider it my personal emergency fund and will be able to relax when I can cover 4 months of household living expenses out of my own account.

I like to save, he likes to spend.  It's ok as long as the household goals are being met, which they are.  Once we got on the same page for the household things were much easier! 

[Iggy aka IG]

The Captain, good call re: the HH goals.  There are no problems there, thankfully.  Guess I should be thankful he does work, and makes good money (we cleared 6 figures last year).  One of my goals is the same as yours re: the HH living expenses in my own account.  I consider it a sense of freedom, among other things. 

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 17, 2014 13:04:12 GMT -5 The Captain said:

I was a huge struggle the first few years of my marriage.  DH has no real concept of finances and no desire to really learn but wants to be able to spend without prior discussion/permission.  We finally agreed to the his/hers/ours account system with each getting an equal "allowance" to do with as they please and any excess going to the house pot to cover household expenses.

It took a few months with several hundred unaccounted for ATM withdrawals to finally get him to agree to this system.

DH still counts on me to say if we can afford something or not.  It puts all of the pressure on me and I (to be honest) do sometimes resent it.  He's IT and I am an accountant, but the old line "Well YOU'RE the accountant" gets old...

OMG, my husband is also in IT.

Our first year of marriage, I didn't change withholdings and we got hit with more than usual tax bill in April - dear G-d you thought I killed someone or something - didn't hear the end of that for YEARS.

[Deleted]

DH has a very different attitude toward money than I do, but he is slowly evolving. 

Mostly I model good spending habits.  I talk about my purchases and how I will pay for it.  For example, we both want some new artwork in the living room.  What is there cost me $15 in a garage sale 15 years ago and looks like it.  So we picked out some stuff at Bed Bath and Beyond.  It's not original nor high quality, but the colors will work nicely and it will be pleasing to the eye.

I told him we couldn't buy it now because I needed to locate three coupons (one for each piece).  I also told him that I would pay for it out of extra Saturday School that I worked this month.  The message is supposed to be that this is something we don't "need" so we have to find the $$$ for it somewhere outside the regular budget.  He is retired, and I am not.  So I am the only one with the ability to earn extra $$$,  I do it every chance I can.  That does affect his life as well as mine so he is getting rewarded for his support.

Like I said, he is evolving.  He is a long way off, but he mentioned the other day that the $19.99 shirts at Academy Sports worked just as well for him as the $72.50 shirts from L.L. Bean.  This is a guy who only bought name brands like Ralph Lauren.

I'm actually very proud of how he is adapting. 

[busymom]

Mar 17, 2014 13:48:48 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

Interesting, so in all the responses on this thread so far, it is the woman of the house who handles the finances.  Wonder if this is the case out in the "real world", or a SS thing?

  LOL!  I handle the finances at our house too.  But, I was the one who got a business degree in college, & DH just handed me the checkbook & had me take over the bills.  But, it's not all wine & roses.  When we were having problems, I was the one stressing about getting everything caught up.    But, now that the credit cards are all caught up, I get to take most of the credit for our success.    I keep track of the retirement accounts, too.

[Iggy aka IG]

Mar 17, 2014 16:29:55 GMT -5 busymom said:

Mar 17, 2014 13:48:48 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

Interesting, so in all the responses on this thread so far, it is the woman of the house who handles the finances.  Wonder if this is the case out in the "real world", or a SS thing?

  LOL!  I handle the finances at our house too.  But, I was the one who got a business degree in college, & DH just handed me the checkbook & had me take over the bills.  But, it's not all wine & roses.  When we were having problems, I was the one stressing about getting everything caught up.    But, now that the credit cards are all caught up, I get to take most of the credit for our success.    I keep track of the retirement accounts, too.

For your success and another for your tagline, Busy! 

[Blonde Granny]

I also handle the finances. DH did it for years, but after he retired, little by little I took it over. We do discuss any changes to investments, but otherwise he has no clue what's going on.

[Deleted]

I remember my first marriage.  We were basically in credit card hell, but that was almost a different story.

One day then-DH went to a horse auction with his father.  His father bought a horse.  Then his father saw another horse that he wanted.  His father had real money.  So his father said to then-DH, "Oh, you can buy the first horse, and I can buy this one."    Then-DH agreed.

When he came home, he told me what had happened.  We were in credit card hell with kids in private school.  We could not afford a horse and had never ever talked about owning a horse.  I said we couldn't do it; he would have to tell his father that we simply couldn't afford it.

To then-DH, it was like I emasculated him.  It hurt him tremendously, which I knew.  But he did go tell his father, and his father said, "That's fine."  Like I said, his father had money, which we didn't.  We were married almost 25 years so this wasn't the thing that killed the marriage, but it was a really tough moment for then-DH.

Male pride is a really tricky thing.  Remember that.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Over the years, my wonderful DH and I have developed a system for household money management that works well for the two of us.

He earns the money.

He saves the money.

I spend the money.



Seriously, he's the earner and the saver, and I'm the spender. But, fortunately, I'm fairly budget conscious, I'm risk-averse, and I'm a Smart Spender (most of the time.)  I'm not wash-out-the-baggies thrifty, but I am money-aware and value-cognizant.

[murphath]

DH and I have the same money personality.  Neither is particularly spendy.  But I've run the household finances since we got married (35 years) so he could focus on his business and paying those bills.   It wasn't until we did our living revocable trust that he truly understood what I'd been doing all those years.  Even though he closed his business and is semi-retired, he still hands me his checks to "do whatever".  I imagine there's no stress when you know the other person is financially responsible.

[dancinmama]

Honestly, DH and I are pretty much on the same path.  I say that because he can tend to be a little spendier than me, but is still very careful to get value for his buck.

What concerns me more than anything else, is that I, like murphath, have always handled everything regarding money in our household - deposits, bill paying, monthly balancing, investments, etc.  DH retired last May and has absolutely ZERO interest in learning anything about how to manage the finances even on a daily basis to say nothing about long term.  I have put together a book that he can go to that has our accounts listed, etc. but the really important issues are things that are likely to change over time that have to do with taxes and estate planning - when to take Social Security, doing Roth IRA conversions and general income tax planning, when you need to sign up for Medicare, etc.  If something happens to me he will have no clue what he has no clue about....if that makes sense.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I imagine there's no stress when you know the other person is financially responsible.

Pretty much.  DH gets to live in a happy land of denial b/c he knows I'll always be there to steer the ship. 

It drives me batty sometimes b/c while he's stress free I'm nothing but a bundle of stress when it comes to our finances b/c I'm the only one responsible for them.

It's not like he goes out and spends like a drunken sailor or runs up CC debt. We're on roughly the same page about that so I don't have to worry about him sabotaging our finances or anything.

I just want to punch him when I try to address things and he says "everything's fine".  Uhh.  .how would YOU know you don't even remember your log in for the bank web site!

Plus it's like the world ended if I make a mistake.  Heaven forbid he help and look over my shoulder every once and awhile.  Noe I am the "responsible one".  I also get tired of always having to be the bad guy b/c I'm the only one who knows our bank balance.

I've pretty much accepted that I'm not going to have a partner when it comes to handling our finances, I just need to make sure he cooperates with me.

I'm sure he could handle it if I died, but it'd be nice if we didn't have to wait till I was dead for him to prove he's capable of managing a household.  I'd like to have a break before I'm in the grave.

[busymom]

BTDT, Pat. (Sitting on the phone trying to handle problems with DS, or my other relative that I help out. Speaking of which, I'll be back on the phone again tomorrow, because the state screwed up my relative's paperwork (again)).  Between DS, my Mom & my other relative, it's pretty much a full-time job. 

Explain it to your DH like this: without Medicaid, all it takes is one hospitalization, & your entire savings that you've worked so hard for all of these years can be completely wiped out.  Medicaid is the difference between the two of you retiring with dignity, & eating cat food in your old age.  I do the majority of the financial stuff at my house, & while DS isn't legal age yet, my DH at least understands that dealing with the state is a necessity, & not an option, even if he doesn't understand the process.

[tallguy]

Interesting, so in all the responses on this thread so far, it is the woman of the house who handles the finances. Wonder if this is the case out in the "real world", or a SS thing?

Not exactly.  I'd guess the fact that only women have posted on this thread until now may have something to do with it.   

In my case, the first fight my wife and I ever had was because of money.  She had been putting 1% into her workplace plan (fixed-income option earning almost nothing) before we got married.  Her company matched two-thirds of the first 6% at the time.  I told her to immediately increase it to 6% to get the full match and also to put it into equities.  She only increased it to 3%.  Should have divorced her then.  Would have saved me years....  

I did let her pay the bills because she was REALLY used to writing checks.  In fairness, though, I only had a couple so it shouldn't have been an imposition....  And don't even get me started on spending!    

[Iggy aka IG]

-hug-Pat and Busy. 

Tallguy, LOL!  Sounds familiar:  I encouraged DH to max out his 401K contribution.  Not sure if he did, and I haven't seen a recent statement, but I do know there is a chunk of change in there.  It's a good start. 

[Deleted]

If I hadn't handled the finances the past 39 years DH and I would be living in a box under the freeway. Instead we have no mortgage and no debt.

Oh well he has other attributes!

Best wishes from Best Bun.

[Deleted]

Mar 21, 2014 10:25:10 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

-hug-Pat and Busy. 

Tallguy, LOL!  Sounds familiar:  I encouraged DH to max out his 401K contribution.  Not sure if he did, and I haven't seen a recent statement, but I do know there is a chunk of change in there.  It's a good start. 

Even if you have separate accounts both of you should know the health of the family finances. I would worry if someone was being secretive over finances or didn't seem to be building up reserves when they were working a lot more paid hours. Especially if a prior bankruptcy occurred. I'd want monthly meetings and accountings.

Were you having a planned discussion of finances or did he take the question as a jab?

How long have you been married?

[Iggy aka IG]

Mar 22, 2014 22:18:50 GMT -5 @lillylake said:

Mar 21, 2014 10:25:10 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

-hug-Pat and Busy. 

Tallguy, LOL!  Sounds familiar:  I encouraged DH to max out his 401K contribution.  Not sure if he did, and I haven't seen a recent statement, but I do know there is a chunk of change in there.  It's a good start. 

Even if you have separate accounts both of you should know the health of the family finances. I would worry if someone was being secretive over finances or didn't seem to be building up reserves when they were working a lot more paid hours. Especially if a prior bankruptcy occurred. I'd want monthly meetings and accountings.

Were you having a planned discussion of finances or did he take the question as a jab?

How long have you been married?

No one said anything about being secretive. 

Here's the thing:  DH is a really, really good, hardworking guy, and after re-reading some of my posts, I can see where one might think otherwise.  I know where his bank statements and pay stubs are, and I know where he spent his money last year because I just did our taxes yesterday.