Do you like yourself?

[Lizard Queen]

Mar 12, 2014 17:50:49 GMT -5 grits said:

I don't think it is all about liking yourself. Some people suffer greatly through no fault of their own. Yet, they choose to be cheerful. I couldn't control a lot of what happened to me in life. I still have only partial control over what happens to me. Yet, I choose to be cheerful.

Developing an attitude of gratitude goes a long way. 

I think that's a really good point, and a very relevant one to me personally, with what I'm dealing with at the moment. In some ways, its a blessing, but I worry about the future, and this board probably makes that worry worse. The general attitude on this board makes me feel like I should be looking for a job right now, but my circumstances are making that...not impossible, but inadvisable.

[midjd]

I'm an introvert, so if I didn't like myself, I'd be pretty miserable

I was not a good person in my late teens and early twenties, though. I'm fortunate that I have very good friends who have forgiven me for some of the stupid, dangerous, selfish things I did. My father has NPD and I've inherited some of his more undesirable characteristics. It's a constant battle to keep them from rising to the top - but I do have a conscience and don't like to cause others pain, so it helps me keep things in check.

It sounds cheesy, but DH has made me a better person. He is one of the few people I know who is genuinely kind to the core. I'm hoping DD gets his personality.

[Firebird]

Mid- I could have written every last word of that post.

[marvholly]

For me it varies from day to day. right now with all the crappy weather we have had I am NOT happy w/myself because I have NOT met my goal(s) for the things i want/need to reorganize in my life but I know this will soon turn around.

[Shooby]

Some days I feel good, capable, smart and ready to tackle the world. Other days, I am tired, filled with despair about the futility of all, realize that in the blink of an eye your whole world can change in ways you never imagine. Those days I feel like a coward and carry on with my quiet despair and pretend. Those are the days you feel insignificant or unimportant, etc. But, then you just have to fake it till you make it. And, the next day you will feel fine.

[Firebird]

Mar 12, 2014 11:31:52 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Most of the time I like myself. More importantly, I respect myself. It wasn't always the case.

That's a good way to put it, zib.  I, too, respect myself at this stage in my life.  Doesn't mean I'm some delightfully perfect creature every waking hour but it does mean that I hold myself to the same standards by which I judge everyone else, and I try to hold to my core values no matter what. 

[Deleted]

When I was ostracized as a kid I could never figure out why those people didn't like me. I knew I was a good person and I decided that it was their loss. So I did my self-analysis many, many moons ago. 

My Mom calling me an asshole in my 20's was a wake-up call. I realized that there is only one person that you have to see every day of your life -- yourself. Since there was no getting rid of "her" I had to figure out how to at the least tolerate "her" if I didn't like her.  Turns out "she's" less bitchy when you stop repressing her and "we've" been getting along splendidly ever since! 

If I had any advice for anyone it would be to work out your relationship with yourself. If you can't come to love yourself at least figure out how to tolerate yourself until you're in a more forgiving frame of mind. 

[Shooby]

If you don't like yourself, you can't expect other people to like you. So, you have to be at peace with yourself, flaws and all.

[Firebird]

Mar 12, 2014 15:26:30 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

On the other hand, do I feel happy and fullfilled with my life?  The answer, unfortunately, is no.  I feel alone and isolated, and that I'm basically just biding time until I die.  I can't say my life is joyless, but it feels empty and meaningless.

Phoenix, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this to you before but you remind me a lot of myself.

There have been MANY times in my life when the above described me perfectly.  I know exactly what you're talking about and how badly it sucks.  I think it can be a special problem for introverts because extroverts can at least go out randomly and feel good about having people around them.  Introverts prefer to be alone so it can be even more important to have a family or support structure around to avoid getting too isolated.

Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and tell you it'll all be okay but what I will say is that I do believe things can get better for you.  Life goes in stages - I was in the holding place of "things aren't great but I guess they don't suck too much" for a LONG time before things began to turn around, but they did.  And as for feeling meaningless - you mean something to me even though I don't really know you, if that helps at all. 

[Deleted]

Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and tell you it'll all be okay but what I will say is that I do believe things can get better for you. Life goes in stages - I was in the holding place of "things aren't great but I guess they don't suck too much" for a LONG time before things began to turn around, but they did. And as for feeling meaningless - you mean something to me even though I don't really know you, if that helps at all.

[Shooby]

For some reason, we often find it much harder to forgive ourselves than we do other people.

[Firebird]

shanendoah - I'm sorry you're feeling crappy (or maybe you're feeling better by now - hope so).  You have every right to be emotional at the moment.  Being out of work sucks so much.  I'm sure the doggies still like you

As for Babybird/Pop Tart and The Boy, I guess the time has come to commence dowry bidding.  I'll start... sheilaincali, if The Boy chooses Babybird, I'll spring for the honeymoon in Washington, DC.  I have a hunch that he would enjoy that and I have a LONG time to save for it, so they'll be able to stay somewhere real nice

[zibazinski]

A turning point for me was 2009. I returned to Florida after trying another new life and trying to please others and make myself into what they wanted. It didn't work so I just said F IT!!! Decided to do what made me happy. Returned home, got a small place, DD moved in for a bit until she decided the commute was too much for her and she moved onto campus. DF came to visit and we re-connected like we'd never been apart, and life, although its had its issues, like DF right now is ill again and we see doctor at 10:30, has never been better. Because I decided to put myself first and like myself regardless of my warts, I'm in a happier place. I truly believe I have found someone who cares for me just for me and not for someone I have to try to be makes all the difference in the world.

[Shooby]

Zib - I feel the same way. I finally just gave myself permission that it is OK to make ME happy. That I am just fine the way I am. And, that I can like what I like and enjoy what I enjoy without having to explain or apologize or justify. My interests and hobbies and passions are my own and I can have fun with them and I don't have to kowtow to everyone else.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you don't like yourself, you can't expect other people to like you.

I don't think that is entirely true when I consider rainday's "Happiness patrol".  To be honest I've pretty much always been all right with myself and my personality. 

As I've grown older I've matured obviously and learned to tone certain things down depending on the situation, but my core personality hasn't changed all that much.

I've found it turns a lot of people off.  I used to get told I am "too assertive" and was assured by several girls my own age I'd never date/get married if I didn't learn to be more submissive.

I did have a hard time finding a guy who would accept me as I am.  But I found one and he won't take me any other way.

I think it says more about them that they were always trying to bend/change my personality than it does about me.  I didn't feel the need to behave or act a certain way to get friends or get dates.   I'm happier surrounded by the people who accept and value me for who I am.

I find a lot of unhappy people are working too hard to be what others expect them to be and they don't like it when they encounter someone who is comfortable in their own skin.  So they make it a mission to make you uncomfortable too.   I have very little tolerance for those types of people in my life.

[Green Eyed Lady]

I do like myself....now.  That wasn't always the case.  I made some stupid and life-threatening decisions when I was young and thought all people were good.  I'm still not to the place where I trust my own judgement in regards to relationships, but I'll get there.  It was VERY important that I spent time completely alone (and still have a ways to go with that), but that's ok.  I used to get all stabby when people would say things like "I need to find myself" but it's true. 

[Shooby]

"I don't think that is entirely true when I consider rainday's "Happiness patrol". To be honest I've pretty much always been all right with myself and my personality. "

As I've grown older I've matured obviously and learned to tone certain things down depending on the situation, but my core personality hasn't changed all that much.

I've found it turns a lot of people off. I used to get told I am "too assertive" and was assured by several girls my own age I'd never date/get married if I didn't learn to be more submissive.

I did have a hard time finding a guy who would accept me as I am. But I found one and he won't take me any other way.

I think it says more about them that they were always trying to bend/change my personality than it does about me. I didn't feel the need to behave or act a certain way to get friends or get dates. I'm happier surrounded by the people who accept and value me for who I am.

I find a lot of unhappy people are working too hard to be what others expect them to be and they don't like it when they encounter someone who is comfortable in their own skin. So they make it a mission to make you uncomfortable too. I have very little tolerance for those types of people in my life."

Oh, I am no fan of the Happy Patrol, lol. But, then why do you have "little tolerance" for people who are still working on themselves?
Aren't you then "on Patrol" too?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

But, then why do you have "little tolerance" for people who are still working on themselves

That's not what I met.  I'm all for improving yourself and support anyone who wants to do it. 

What I meant was people who sit there and critisize you for whatever they can think of.  I tend to find those people are very unhappy with themselves and don't like when the encounter someone who is happy with themselves.  That means they have to question their own choices/feelings.  It's much easier to nitpick you in the hopes you start feeling down about yourself, misery loves company.

I'm all for helpful critisim, my former drama teacher was very helpful in smoothing out the more extreme introveted side of my personality and that's done wonders for me professionally and personally.

I'm still an introvert, I always will be, but I am much better at playing the extrovert with his advice in hand.  I'm glad someone pointed out I was going too far in the other direction.

I don't have tolerance for someone telling me I'll never get a boyfriend unless I dumb myself down and start being more submissive b/c that's what they think guys want.  If that's how I have be then I don't want a boyfriend.  That's not helpful that's just being mean.

[sheilaincali]

Firebird and Shanen-  I'm sure both of your daughters are wonderful young ladies that I would be proud to call my DIL some day in the distant future. BUT, you should know that there are a couple of local girls vying for his attention.  

We tease him about his good friend Megan. She is nearly all of his same classes (currently ranked in the top 5 for their class rankings). Does KB and YIG with him, did Robotics with him, etc. Is close friends with his other friends and so forth. PLUS they have both read Hitchhiker's Guide a dozen times apiece and she is a HUGE Star Wars fan. Even has her own light saber. His dad told him that he needs to "lock that shit down and put a ring on it" because the odds of him finding another girl like that are one in a million. She's a sweet kid but they are not romantically involved. Better as friends at this point. But that doesn't stop us from teasing them. Even Megan's mom thinks they would be a great couple and keeps dropping hints to Megan. It's pretty funny actually.

That being said- he would get a kick out of a DC honeymoon. He is a huge history buff and that would be right up his alley.

Either way his potential wife is going to have to wait until he is done with school. As of yesterday the plan is to double major in Chemical Engineering and Computer Science with a minor in German. He'd like to go straight on to his Master's and get a job in Europe.

[Firebird]

That being said- he would get a kick out of a DC honeymoon. He is a huge history buff and that would be right up his alley.

I knew it.  Had a big hunch

Either way his potential wife is going to have to wait until he is done with school. As of yesterday the plan is to double major in Chemical Engineering and Computer Science with a minor in German. He'd like to go straight on to his Master's and get a job in Europe.

There, you see?  It shouldn't be much of a problem to wait twenty years for Babybird, he's got shit to do before settling down 

[sheilaincali]

I'll let him know that I have started negotiations to arrange his marriage! I'm sure he'll be thrilled 

He was quite the ladies man in his youth.  I'd pick him up from preschool and the teacher would tell me "I'm so excited about being your future DIL!"  He went through a real phase between 4 and 6 in which he was proposing to woman right and left.  He and his little girl friend at the time (his age) would kiss in the playhouse at Preschool and let the other kids watch. 

He was SOOO not amused when we met up with this girl's parents at their 9th grade orientation last year.  Both kids were standing there and us parents started reminiscing.  They both turned bright red and wished to be anywhere but standing there listening to their parents talk about them kissing when they were in preschool. 

It's times like that that parenting is the most fun!

[Firebird]

Babybird has been kissing her babysitter's son.  According to her, Babybird makes a "Mmm, mmm!" sound and puckers up, then her son moves in for the smooch and they go at it like he's shipping off to Nam. 

I anticipate a lot of fun during her teenage years.  And by fun I mean watching DH lovingly cradle a shotgun in the living room while she and her boyfriend(s) watch TV and I snicker in the kitchen. 

[shanendoah]

Serious stuff first:
Extroverts to not "get happy" from being around people. They get energy from being around people, but that doesn't mean that all extroverts (and I am one) can go hang out at the mall and get energized. Going to the mall for me is completely draining. I honestly think being alone in a sea of people is worse for extroverts because we're supposed to like people. At least introverts have the excuse that they don't like people. 
At the same time, lunch with a good friend or my Sunday morning writing group- that energizes me like nobody's business. It is much more about the people I choose to surround myself with than about being around people in general. AND I THINK THAT HOLDS TRUE FOR INTROVERTS AS WELL AS EXTROVERTS.

Yesterday was a bad day. I am feeling better now. A lot has to do with the fact that it's C's finals week. Pop Tart is grounded (and I keep having to remind her she's being punished, it's not supposed to be fun, and it's not my job to entertain her when she's bored). Add to that some lingering depression about not getting the job I really wanted and the fact that I hadn't had a lot going on on the job front. I'm getting sick, and yesterday wardrobe collapsed. I fixed it, got everything hung back up, and it collapsed a second time.

C got home and things got better. (Again, about the people you choose to surround yourself with.) And good things happened yesterday, too. Our tax refund arrived and I got that transferred to savings. I was contacted about a job I applied for on Tuesday and have a phone interview today. I was also contacted about a job I applied for 10 days ago and look to have an in person interview next week.

But that is all about the ups and downs of every day life. Yesterday I had a day where I did not like myself. But that is no longer my norm. But once upon a time, it was.

It not only took time to get to a place where I liked myself, as others mentioned, it took a CONSCIOUS decision to get there. And for me, part of that conscious decision was to stop working on external "self-improvement" projects. I stopped trying to lose weight. I stopped caring whether or not I had a boyfriend and just concentrated on hanging out with my friends- people who liked me exactly as I was. And I took a cue from them. (And, unsurprisingly, they guy I married was one of that group of friends.) But it was not a quick process. It wasn't instantaneous. And I still have days where I look at myself and say- I don't like me right now. But now, I give myself some slack for days like yesterday. And other times, I see exactly what it is I don't like, and I make a decision to work on that.

Arranged Marriage (ie not serious stuff)
sheilaincali - Firebird has offered to pay for the honeymoon in DC. I will not offer to pay for the honeymoon, but I will offer up a timeshare exchange so that they could stay at a timeshare anywhere in the world they wanted for their honeymoon. Personally, last time I used it, we explored England- Stonehenge, Tintagel, Bath, and little known ancienti settlements Carn Euny and Grimspound.
But really, we're looking for a long term successful relationship here. Firebird and her H are outdoorsy people. Their wedding registry included camping and hiking gear. That's great, but are those the kind of people your Boy inherently connects with? And babybird will likely take after her parents.
C and I are gamers. We met at LARP. We still play tabletop RPGs and we board game on a regular basis. Can't you imagine the family get togethers, with a few rounds of Dominion before dinner, then maybe some Pathfinder, or Arkham Horror afterwards? You, your H, your son- we're part of the same tribe. Heck, we've started playing WoW with Pop Tart.
Plus, we're dog people. Firebird barely consented to getting an alien cat. (Though, I do have to admit, an alien cat is a plus, and I'd totally look into getting one if my dogs wouldn't torment any cat to no end.)
I agree with the no marriage until done with school. Also not a problem for us. While Pop Tart is not as young as babybird, she is still a full 6 years younger than the Boy, so there's plenty of time. 

Firebird- you know I love you, and I just want what's best for babybird, and I just don't think the Boy is right for her. 

[midjd]

Mar 13, 2014 10:10:15 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Babybird has been kissing her babysitter's son.  According to her, Babybird makes a "Mmm, mmm!" sound and puckers up, then her son moves in for the smooch and they go at it like he's shipping off to Nam. 

I anticipate a lot of fun during her teenage years.  And by fun I mean watching DH lovingly cradle a shotgun in the living room while she and her boyfriend(s) watch TV and I snicker in the kitchen. 

LOL!

So far DD has only expressed a couple of likes - being naked over wearing clothes, men over women, and putting things in her mouth.

The other night I overheard DH having a long conversation with her about how when she grew up, she needed to not take her clothes off for strange men, but since she wouldn't have "daddy issues" she'd probably be OK with that, and also, when she grows up, she needs to stop trying to suck on people's fingers, that's not cool...

When I reminded DH that in a short 13.5 years she'll be the same age we were when we started dating, he turned a little white.

[sheilaincali]

Shanen-  I think you just edged out ahead of Firebird.   Timeshare is great but you really nailed it with the gaming aspect.  Firebird is delightful, but that gaming connection would be awesome. The Boys could pretty seamlessly fold you and C and Poptart into their Pathfinder Guild. Very good points you've raised. 

Plus Dogs are the BEST!!!!! Cats are sneaky and underhanded

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Introverts do not dislike people.  That misconception drives me up a wall.  I like people just fine, I just tend to prefer my own company and in certain situations find socialization draining.

I had people thinking I hated them in Borneo b/c after 8 hours of tromping thru a jungle with 30 people the last thing I wanted to do was go drinking. I wanted to go back to my hotel room.

It can be pretty isolating when nobody will talk to you b/c you're an "introvert and she doesn't like people".

It's why I've learned to fake being an extrovert.   Just b/c I enjoy and can handle being alone for long periods of time does not mean I don't need or want contact with other people.  I just prefer to do it on my terms.  People who know me respect that.

I won't be the life of a party, I'll be the one in the corner having an intense one on one conversation, probably with someone I know.  That doesn't mean I hate every single other person at the party.   I get my social energy differently from someone who is an extrovert.

I really liked the book Quiet.  It was nice to hear I am normal.  In fact being introverted makes me well suited to do the type of job that I do.  It's an asset, not a liability I need to ditch ASAP.

[shanendoah]

sheilaincali - thought if I'm being honest, Sum Dum Gai and Loopdilou's girls are probably the best match for the Boy of any of the kids on the boards.

NomoreDramaQ1015 - I agree. Introvert of Extrovert has nothing to do with liking or not liking people. It has to do with where you get your energy. I'm an extrovert (though, the meyers-briggs scale, within the margin of error for being an introvert). I enjoy down time and being home alone, but that doesn't leave me feeling energized or ready to take on the world. When I leave my critique groups Sunday morning, though, that is exactly how I feel. C is an introvert. Still, he'll often thank me for dragging him to a get together because he does enjoy seeing his friends and hanging out with them. However, I'd better not expect him to come home from that and make dinner, because it does take effort for him (enjoyable effort, but effort all the same) and he needs down time afterward to recharge.
As I said earlier, the important thing- no matter introvert or extrovert is the people you choose to surround yourself with.

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 13, 2014 9:28:51 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

But, then why do you have "little tolerance" for people who are still working on themselves

That's not what I met.  I'm all for improving yourself and support anyone who wants to do it. 

What I meant was people who sit there and critisize you for whatever they can think of.  I tend to find those people are very unhappy with themselves and don't like when the encounter someone who is happy with themselves.  That means they have to question their own choices/feelings.  It's much easier to nitpick you in the hopes you start feeling down about yourself, misery loves company.

I'm all for helpful critisim, my former drama teacher was very helpful in smoothing out the more extreme introveted side of my personality and that's done wonders for me professionally and personally.

I'm still an introvert, I always will be, but I am much better at playing the extrovert with his advice in hand.  I'm glad someone pointed out I was going too far in the other direction.

I don't have tolerance for someone telling me I'll never get a boyfriend unless I dumb myself down and start being more submissive b/c that's what they think guys want.  If that's how I have be then I don't want a boyfriend.  That's not helpful that's just being mean.

I've been accused of being that person, but it's just simply not the case.  It's not that I am unhappy with myself or my choices, it's  that I used to have a tendency (and still do, to some degree) to think I can "fix" whatever *I* deemed was wrong with you.

I stopped doing that (mostly) bc 1) I am lazy and it was a colossal waste of my energy 2) no one likes to be criticized or get unsolicited advice, therefore, no one was really listening.

So, now I just keep my thoughts to myself.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think there's a difference between unsolicited advice and being mean.  The people I'm talking about were down right mean but framed it as trying to be "helpful".  

I stick my foot in my mouth all the dang time.  I've learned to ask people if they want my honest opinion or do they want me to tell them what they want to hear before I answer.

I wouldn't tell someone that she should try getting an F on a test a few times so boys can see that they are smarter than her. If she keeps up her good grades she's never going to get a date.  

I so wish I was making that piece of "advice" up.   Needless to say I am not friends with that particular person anymore.

[Sunnyday]

thank you to the other posters for saying that introverts do not not like people! holy double negative batman!

That stereotype is what makes me hate people!!

what, um.. I mean... I like people who I deem acceptable to like.

what?