Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Mar 4, 2014 11:59:30 GMT -5
Karaboo's 'problem' is one that happens to me alot with my family. I often complain to friends that my family doesn't bother to make plans - they do everything on the spur of the moment. I use to get pissed when I'd miss them or they wouldn't show up when they said they would and neither of us had bothered to pick up the phone and call/text. The whole 'blame game' was driving me insane so I started falling back on the idea that if more than one person was at fault - it was NO ONE's fault. Since, either one of us could have used a call/text to verify what exactly was going on I decided to declare, to myself atleast, that we were both at fault and so therefore it was no one's fault that things didn't go as planned. I also started making it a habit to call/text on the day of IMPORTANT meetups just to confirm what's going on. An important meet up might be one where I'm required to bring food or a present or show up some place other than their home. I've shown up at their home sometimes 3 hours too soon (because the last I heard the 'party was a 2:00pm' but then it got changed to 5:00pm and no one notified me.) and sometimes several hours too late - the get together was for 5:00pm but they couldn't do dinner (because of some evening thing they wanted to do instead) so it got moved up to lunch and now one bothered to notify me. Mind you these kinds of changes happened the night before the event. My family has screwed up my planning so many times that I've basically stopped giving their stuff precedence over MY stuff. So, if I have made plans for a Saturday evening and they go and change their thing from lunch to dinner on the spur of the moment - I miss it. If I don't want alot of stress in my life, I generally will text or call the night before OR the day of some possible get together - just to see what's going on... or to tell them what my day is looking like (if I'll make it and when). If I'm not really caring about my stress levels I don't bother to call and just wing it. That's what they are doing afterall. I get alot of grief for "never coming to family things" to which I retort - "well, when you plan one more than 24 hours in advance OR stick to whatever plan you originally come up with, I'll be at your event". I don't assign blame. It's too draining.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 4, 2014 12:21:28 GMT -5
I caught some grief from my MIL about not making stuff. Well, I'm sorry but my sister started planning X 3 months ago. You decided to start planning something a week before. Guess what, she invited us first.
ETA - MIL got a lot better at advance planning after a few of those.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Mar 4, 2014 14:06:42 GMT -5
Karaboo- I think you could avoid a lot of issues by being more specific. "Dad, I'd like to come up Saturday and take you and mom to dinner, but I don't know exactly what time I'll be there" That at least lets them know that you do intend to come. And there is nothing wrong with saying to your brother, " It's not that I don't want to see you, but I wanted to just do something with Mom and Dad. How about if we plan on a family thing next week when my DS and kids can come?"
As long as you leave things vague- they will exploit it.
Having said that- I run into this issue a lot with my sister and brother. My mom doesn't see them very often and will use it as an excuse to get the family together, because otherwise she doesn't see them. And she really likes to have the whole family together. However, I have told her that sometimes I like to do things just her and I because having more people changes they dynamics..
A couple weeks ago, I had plans with my mom. She mentioned it off handedly to my sister (who invited herself) and we spent the day with my sister trying to change plans to accomodate herself, not mom . (Mom was still recovering from the flu and not up to much). Mom told me later that it was a mistake to let sis come and it would have been better just the two of us. So she is starting to see it.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Mar 4, 2014 14:17:00 GMT -5
Not knowing the history, it sounds like your parents and your brother just prefer concrete plans. Nothing personal. You call and say you are coming on Saturday, then brother calls them and also wants to swing by Saturday. He probably tried to set a time but they didn’t know if they were available because you were also coming up so he called to coordinate with you. You still didn’t know what time, so now what?
Firm plans make people feel that they are high priority, where flexible plans tend to give off the impression that your time is more valuable. Everyone is busy and has other things they could be doing, even if it is just laundry or eating.
Your parents should have firmed up plans with you or cancelled though. They probably felt guilty that they didn't and transferred that to you when they should have just apologized.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 4, 2014 14:38:54 GMT -5
I think this specific situation is just "one of those frustrations" and I'm sure it'll blow over.
As to helping it not happen again... I don't know... You were clear you weren't sure when you'd come. You did try to call two phones. You "could" have called brother, but they also "could" have called you.
I think this is the kind of crap that despite all the best efforts, will happen from time to time. When I'm the person waiting for a call, it angers me. "Why can't you find 30 seconds to send a text, I always make time to send YOU one". But I can also see how some people have that "totally immersed" personality and just don't realize that 5 hours have gone by.
Makes me wonder how we lived when there were only house phones; and if you missed someone, the best you could hope for was a message on the machine!
It'll happen many more times.
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grits
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Post by grits on Mar 4, 2014 20:36:09 GMT -5
The only person you can change is yourself. You cannot change them. If you know how they function, you can plan around it. If you are hoping that some day they'll change, and treat you better, I am afraid that you are setting yourself up for more pain. Mine never did change. I changed my life, and what I wanted/expected from them. Sometimes, I wish my mother were still alive so I could hang up on her again. It sure did mess up her mind.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2014 21:10:20 GMT -5
Makes me wonder how we lived when there were only house phones; and if you missed someone, the best you could hope for was a message on the machine!It'll happen many more times. There was actually a time before answering machines WW I was expecting to read "if you missed someone you were out of luck"
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grits
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Post by grits on Mar 4, 2014 22:38:00 GMT -5
Back when we had black bakelite rotary dialed phones, you set specific times, and dates about things. You did things with greater pre-planning.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Mar 5, 2014 12:46:43 GMT -5
I'm way too close to this situation, so I thought I'd get other opinions.... I was blamed tonight for missing visiting/dinner with my parents on Saturday. I talk to my mom on an average of 3-4 weekday evenings while I'm driving home from work. This past Thursday night, I had a late meeting, so decided to call and talk to my dad (since I hardly talk to him, just because of timing). After talking, I commented that I had been meaning to come for a visit and that I didn't have anything going on Saturday, so I planned on coming down. Timing would depend on kids, DH and errands. Dad said that sounded great. Friday at work, I get a text from my brother asking if I was planning on visiting with Mom/Dad on Saturday still. Since I didn't talk to him, good bet he heard from one of them (my money's on mom....just because....but she said no tonight, that dad told him). Texted back that I planned to, but blah, blah, blah - same as above. Kind of miffed me a little that he was told....only because ever since he got married and they had a baby it seems like from my perspective that they HAVE to be involved (they've gone to visit parents in the past couple of months and I've never been told they were going to visit until after the fact....so why do they have to be told that I'm coming for a visit ahead of time?). No call from any of them on Saturday (Mom, Dad or Brother) and because of kids, DH and errands, I didn't get a chance to leave to go to their house until after 4pm. Get to their house before 5pm and no one is home. Call both parents' cell phones and no answer. Wait at their house for about 30 minutes just to make sure they didn't run to the store or maybe they'd call back. Nothing, so I left and went back home. I didn't call my brother's cell because I wasn't going to visit him. No call back from any one all weekend long (which is unusual - if I call and they miss the call, my mom always tends to call back the next day at 7am and wakes me up to find out what I wanted). Called my mom tonight like I usually do after work. She was being very evasive during the call until I asked her what they did this weekend. She responded with, "Waiting on you to come visit - you never showed up." When I told her I did, she insisted I hadn't and finally asked what time. When I said 5pm on Saturday...she got very quiet and then admitted, "We went out to eat with your Brother and SIL. We all wondered were you were. We just figured you were too busy to come." I asked, "So, If all of you were wondering where I was, why didn't one of you call or text me to make sure I was still coming down?" She then got very upset and blamed me for not telling them when I would be down and that they shouldn't have to call me. When I pressed why, if they all knew my plan was to come to visit, that none of them bothered to find out what happened to me, she then turned it around to say she wanted to, but my dad wouldn't let her (whatever...she's 60, she's never been held back by my dad before - she tends to blame him for things she didn't do). So....anyway....I'm long winded - sorry! - she ended up hanging up on me since *I* was so mad at her. I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I was in the wrong for not calling/texting them, or if it really is too much to ask that if they were wondering, why didn't they call/text me? Thoughts? KaraBoo, I think you own this one. You basically told your folks I might be coming on Saturday, keep your calendar open. And they apparently did. All day. You didn't confirm with your folks or update them on what was going on as things developed. In the absence of firm plans or any idea what your plans for the day were, your folks went to dinner with other family members. And, when you left home, you didn't touch base with your Mom and Dad to let them know you were on your way. By my count, you had at least three opportunities to talk with your folks and let them know what was going on. Instead, you left them hanging. And now you're annoyed? I don't think you're the person who should be annoyed.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Mar 5, 2014 14:33:43 GMT -5
I'm way too close to this situation, so I thought I'd get other opinions.... I was blamed tonight for missing visiting/dinner with my parents on Saturday. I talk to my mom on an average of 3-4 weekday evenings while I'm driving home from work. This past Thursday night, I had a late meeting, so decided to call and talk to my dad (since I hardly talk to him, just because of timing). After talking, I commented that I had been meaning to come for a visit and that I didn't have anything going on Saturday, so I planned on coming down. Timing would depend on kids, DH and errands. Dad said that sounded great. Friday at work, I get a text from my brother asking if I was planning on visiting with Mom/Dad on Saturday still. Since I didn't talk to him, good bet he heard from one of them (my money's on mom....just because....but she said no tonight, that dad told him). Texted back that I planned to, but blah, blah, blah - same as above. Kind of miffed me a little that he was told....only because ever since he got married and they had a baby it seems like from my perspective that they HAVE to be involved (they've gone to visit parents in the past couple of months and I've never been told they were going to visit until after the fact....so why do they have to be told that I'm coming for a visit ahead of time?). No call from any of them on Saturday (Mom, Dad or Brother) and because of kids, DH and errands, I didn't get a chance to leave to go to their house until after 4pm. Get to their house before 5pm and no one is home. Call both parents' cell phones and no answer. Wait at their house for about 30 minutes just to make sure they didn't run to the store or maybe they'd call back. Nothing, so I left and went back home. I didn't call my brother's cell because I wasn't going to visit him. No call back from any one all weekend long (which is unusual - if I call and they miss the call, my mom always tends to call back the next day at 7am and wakes me up to find out what I wanted). Called my mom tonight like I usually do after work. She was being very evasive during the call until I asked her what they did this weekend. She responded with, "Waiting on you to come visit - you never showed up." When I told her I did, she insisted I hadn't and finally asked what time. When I said 5pm on Saturday...she got very quiet and then admitted, "We went out to eat with your Brother and SIL. We all wondered were you were. We just figured you were too busy to come." I asked, "So, If all of you were wondering where I was, why didn't one of you call or text me to make sure I was still coming down?" She then got very upset and blamed me for not telling them when I would be down and that they shouldn't have to call me. When I pressed why, if they all knew my plan was to come to visit, that none of them bothered to find out what happened to me, she then turned it around to say she wanted to, but my dad wouldn't let her (whatever...she's 60, she's never been held back by my dad before - she tends to blame him for things she didn't do). So....anyway....I'm long winded - sorry! - she ended up hanging up on me since *I* was so mad at her. I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I was in the wrong for not calling/texting them, or if it really is too much to ask that if they were wondering, why didn't they call/text me? Thoughts? KaraBoo, I think you own this one. You basically told your folks I might be coming on Saturday, keep your calendar open. And they apparently did. All day. You didn't confirm with your folks or update them on what was going on as things developed. In the absence of firm plans or any idea what your plans for the day were, your folks went to dinner with other family members. And, when you left home, you didn't touch base with your Mom and Dad to let them know you were on your way. By my count, you had at least three opportunities to talk with your folks and let them know what was going on. Instead, you left them hanging. And now you're annoyed? I don't think you're the person who should be annoyed. Unless Dad misrepresented what Kara said to the rest of the family, I don't think she's off. I have family that will do this to you. Say, sure sweetie that's fine, we know you're busy, come by when you can. Then they just totally forget about you and don't get why you might be slightly annoyed. Either side could have touched base, but the parents knew arrival time was up in the air. Wouldn't have been hard to give a head's up call when they left home. BIL once called up and demanded my DH show up for some family gathering at the race track since sis was in town. More than an hour's drive for DH. They changed location and didn't bother to call DH. It's a good thing he didn't bother to go isn't it?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 5, 2014 17:08:31 GMT -5
Back when we had black bakelite rotary dialed phones, you set specific times, and dates about things. You did things with greater pre-planning. Back when we had tin cans and string and/or smoke signals
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Mar 5, 2014 20:00:40 GMT -5
KaraBoo, I think you own this one. You basically told your folks I might be coming on Saturday, keep your calendar open. And they apparently did. All day. You didn't confirm with your folks or update them on what was going on as things developed. In the absence of firm plans or any idea what your plans for the day were, your folks went to dinner with other family members. And, when you left home, you didn't touch base with your Mom and Dad to let them know you were on your way. By my count, you had at least three opportunities to talk with your folks and let them know what was going on. Instead, you left them hanging. And now you're annoyed? I don't think you're the person who should be annoyed. Unless Dad misrepresented what Kara said to the rest of the family, I don't think she's off. I have family that will do this to you. Say, sure sweetie that's fine, we know you're busy, come by when you can. Then they just totally forget about you and don't get why you might be slightly annoyed. Either side could have touched base, but the parents knew arrival time was up in the air. Wouldn't have been hard to give a head's up call when they left home. BIL once called up and demanded my DH show up for some family gathering at the race track since sis was in town. More than an hour's drive for DH. They changed location and didn't bother to call DH. It's a good thing he didn't bother to go isn't it? In this case, I disagree with your perspective. In my book, if you initiate the activity, such as a visit to the folks, you own it. I don't tell my folks, I'm planning on making a visit next month, maybe, if too many things don't come up, then show up on the 28th without any further communication about my plans, and then get ticked off that the folks aren't sitting there, waiting for me to arrive. That is exactly what KaraBoo did in a more limited time frame. In your case, when your arrival time at family activites is not known, you could take responsibility for a quick, I'm on my way phone call as you leave. Especially if your family is known for making and changing plans as the day goes on. First time, you are entitled to get annoyed. After that, it's on you to manage the situation. You know how the other members of your family behave. It is now your choice whether you are going to manage the situation or accept whatever outcome happens. Getting ticked at others because you elected not to manage a situation that you are aware of is not acceptable.
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grits
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Post by grits on Mar 5, 2014 20:49:10 GMT -5
With pot in them? Give her the munchies by giving her munchies? Exlax brownies will keep her on the pot for quite some time.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 5, 2014 22:35:51 GMT -5
Eh..... I'm not ticked at all....I was just wondering if I had looked at the situation wrong. By all accounts, I take 50% of the responsibility for missing out on visiting. As others have said, I should have either been more firm on time frame or called when I knew I'd be heading that way. I accept that responsibility. However, I also place 50% of the responsibility on my family as well....by all accounts that I've been told, they asked when I was going to visit, knew I planned on coming to visit (just not what time), admitted they wondered where I was and then didn't follow up either. I'm not going to take 100% of the responsibility of the misunderstanding in this particular situation because I know how my family works. I do appreciate the different perspectives though....It helps me to think about things from others points of view. I really appreciated the suggestion (whoever made it - thank you!) that people may not realize I'm struggling as they view me as having it all held together and my struggling doesn't seem like struggling at all and I should take that as a compliment. I don't - - but I do appreciate that idea as I hadn't considered it before.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Mar 6, 2014 11:44:55 GMT -5
You made me think, too, Kara. About 3 times a year, I schedule a "work day" at my mother's house. My brother lives a couple of hours away and doesn't get home all that often. During the year, I take care of all the routine things she needs done, but there are tasks I'm unable to do by myself, so I call in the troops.
My brother will always say, "I'll be there on Saturday." There have been several occasions where he simply hasn't shown up and calls around suppertime to say that something came up - sorry. So? When he's said he is coming and doesn't show up, I just figure it's one of those times. I don't bother calling because he's done it so many times before. (Not saying you do this - just giving an example.)
From now on, I'm going to call when he doesn't show up. Admittedly, part of the reason will be to bitch at him about not pulling his weight, but mostly because something really could have happened to him on the road. Your posts made me think about that. I love him even though he is a pita sometimes, and I'd be heartbroken if something happened to him.
So thanks to you, too, for giving me something to think about. And good luck with your family.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 7, 2014 8:34:42 GMT -5
...:::"I was expecting to read "if you missed someone you were out of luck"":::...
Well that is certainly true. After I hit post I found myself thinking "there weren't always answering machines, either".
...:::"Back when we had black bakelite rotary dialed phones, you set specific times, and dates about things. You did things with greater pre-planning.":::...
You can still plan now, and things come up? Its certainly nice when unexpected traffic causes major delays, to be able to send a text. That being said; yes, back before machines or mobile phones, people did have to think of contingency plans or "and if something goes wrong, we'll meet here instead".
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 7, 2014 9:09:49 GMT -5
I remember being stranded or left waiting dozens of times before cell phones. I don't take the argument that we used to be responsible and technology has made us whimsical. Ridiculous.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2014 9:36:58 GMT -5
That was weird that your mom/dad both didn't answer their phones or bother to call you to see if you were coming. I actually get annoyed with my parents fro calling me too much to figure out my ETA.
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lazysundays
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Post by lazysundays on Mar 9, 2014 11:18:06 GMT -5
Your mom sounds like my mom. Let it go. I usually stop talking to mine for a few days then we go back to nothing happened. My mom is illogical and won't answer the phone or call back. I just have given up on her. When she gives me a guilt trip that the 2 year old doesn't even know her, I turn it around and say it's her fault. We live out of state. She doesn't call back when I try to make plans. And her and her bf come to my state almost every weekend to go to a diner down the street from me. No logic behind it. She says one thing and does another. Whackadoodle as someone said. My life now is busy. I don't have time for it. I think she is being kept busy by my sister's kids so she's not lonely etc.
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