Am I off base?

[KaraBoo]

I'm way too close to this situation, so I thought I'd get other opinions....

I was blamed tonight for missing visiting/dinner with my parents on Saturday.

I talk to my mom on an average of 3-4 weekday evenings while I'm driving home from work.  This past Thursday night, I had a late meeting, so decided to call and talk to my dad (since I hardly talk to him, just because of timing).  After talking, I commented that I had been meaning to come for a visit and that I didn't have anything going on Saturday, so I planned on coming down.  Timing would depend on kids, DH and errands.  Dad said that sounded great.

Friday at work, I get a text from my brother asking if I was planning on visiting with Mom/Dad on Saturday still.  Since I didn't talk to him, good bet he heard from one of them (my money's on mom....just because....but she said no tonight, that dad told him).  Texted back that I planned to, but blah, blah, blah - same as above.  Kind of miffed me a little that he was told....only because ever since he got married and they had a baby it seems like from my perspective that they HAVE to be involved (they've gone to visit parents in the past couple of months and I've never been told they were going to visit until after the fact....so why do they have to be told that I'm coming for a visit ahead of time?).

No call from any of them on Saturday (Mom, Dad or Brother) and because of kids, DH and errands, I didn't get a chance to leave to go to their house until after 4pm.  Get to their house before 5pm and no one is home.  Call both parents' cell phones and no answer.  Wait at their house for about 30 minutes just to make sure they didn't run to the store or maybe they'd call back.  Nothing, so I left and went back home.  I didn't call my brother's cell because I wasn't going to visit him.

No call back from any one all weekend long (which is unusual - if I call and they miss the call, my mom always tends to call back the next day at 7am and wakes me up to find out what I wanted).

Called my mom tonight like I usually do after work.  She was being very evasive during the call until I asked her what they did this weekend.  She responded with, "Waiting on you to come visit - you never showed up."  When I told her I did, she insisted I hadn't and finally asked what time.  

When I said 5pm on Saturday...she got very quiet and then admitted, "We went out to eat with your Brother and SIL.  We all wondered were you were.  We just figured you were too busy to come."

I asked, "So, If all of you were wondering where I was, why didn't one of you call or text me to make sure I was still coming down?"

She then got very upset and blamed me for not telling them when I would be down and that they shouldn't have to call me.  When I pressed why, if they all knew my plan was to come to visit, that none of them bothered to find out what happened to me, she then turned it around to say she wanted to, but my dad wouldn't let her (whatever...she's 60, she's never been held back by my dad before - she tends to blame him for things she didn't do).

So....anyway....I'm long winded - sorry! - she ended up hanging up on me since *I* was so mad at her.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I was in the wrong for not calling/texting them, or if it really is too much to ask that if they were wondering, why didn't they call/text me?

Thoughts?

[swamp]

I think your mom is a whackadoodle. 

[Deleted]

I think it's aggravating but not worth losing sleep over. They could have called, but you did give a conditional heads up about visiting. I'd be moving on.

[grits]

Well, nothing had been set in concrete about a definite time or whatever. You had said if things allowed you to come, you would. Personally, I don't think either side should have gotten upset in this matter. One thing that stuck out for me was the comment about you never get called if brother is going to visit but they get called if you are going to visit.  How much sibling rivalry still exists in your family?  How much of it is fostered by your parents?  I'm not saying any of it exists, I am just asking Questions.

I stated on a different post that you cannot fix dysfunction.  Set your boundaries, and don't let anybody put a guilt trip on you.

[KaraBoo]

Yeah - I'm aggravated...probably because of family history.  I'm not going to make an issue further of it...but I'm not going to lie - little things like this just bug me.

There is still some rivalry, but it is most notable from mom.  Brother and I have talked about it and both of us can see that she favors him over me.  We both agree that we're not going to change her, but we do tend to check with the other if she's trying to say the other said something or not (she usually gets the information wrong....or twisted just enough that it changes the original intent).

[thyme4change]

I don't know - If someone told me they were "coming sometime" and I sat in the house all day waiting, I might go out and get dinner at 5 pm if they hadn't shown up.  Why didn't you call them earlier and say "Here is how my day is going - I might be able to get there by 5"

And...your family is clearly a mess.

[Sunnyday]

I overanalyze things, so take my comments with a huge boulder of salt.

Even if you didn't call or text earlier in the week, you called both your parents' cellphones when you got there. I have been in those weird "Do we have plans or don't we have plans" situations before.  And in those situations, I would have regularly checked my phone.

My thought process would have been, Karaboo said that she was going to come, but then she never confirmed that she would, but she never confirmed that she wouldn't. Hmm. She's still not here, well.... I'm not going to wait for her, but if she calls me, then I can tell her we're at the local Outback.

How could your parents not noticed that you had a missed call from you?  Even if they didn't notice the phone ringing at the restaurant, they would eventually looked at their phone, and went, "oh Karaboo called."  Seems weird.  I don't have any thoughts about why they would have done that, but it does seem weird.

Another thing that stuck out are your comments about your brother. It was just unnecessary background info. Could whatever feelings you have about your brother be colouring your perspective on the situation?

I think that in the whole scheme of things, you know that it's not that big of a deal, but I can see how that would irritate you.

[Green Eyed Lady]

I'd never call someone and say, "I'll be there SOMETIME Saturday." If someone did that to me, I'd wait as was convenient and until I had something else to do. To expect someone to sit around all day and wait until I decide I have time to get there is inconsiderate. If I am the visitor, it is my responsibility to call and advise them of my plans. It is not the responsibility of those I am visiting to have to call me to check on my whereabouts.

As far as the "brother" thing? I don't even know what to say about that. It sounds a bit like "they love him more than me and he thinks he's so special" thing. And all the "mom says dad told him and dad says mom told him"...why does that even matter? Your brother comes and they wait till dinner time - and no you. They go out to eat.   There is no reason for you to be upset.   What were they supposed to do? Wait around till you get there - when they have no idea when that's going to be?

I'm with grits. Nobody should have been upset since there were no concrete plans. If your mom is mad at you, I guess she'll just have to be mad. In the future, I'd try to be a bit more concrete with my plans and realize "time waits for no one"!

[grits]

There, you have your answer.

You cannot fix her. All I can tell you is that what she sends out will come back to her. 

One Christmas Eve, I had just had my fourth kidney stone surgery in 6 weeks. I was not able to get my own food or water, and could not reach a phone. I was at their house that time, and she decides they are going to brother's for Christmas lunch. Now, she said they'd be back in 2 hours. Nine hours later, no food all day, very little water, and they show up. She is just as happy as can be, and wonders why I am just looking at her.  

In the end, they did not take good care of her, and she paid dearly.  Just let it be.

[whoisjohngalt]

OK, I am probably bringing my own baggage into this, so....

My IL's do this ALL.THE.FREAKING.TIME.  Well, really my SIL when she drops them off for a visit (they don't drive anymore).   It takes the entire day!  We NEVER know when they are going to show up

So, last time I just went on with my day, and it so happened that I was doing laundry when they showed up - I was hanging it out to dry outside.  Yep, you could guess that I keep hearing about how "I didn't pay attention to my SIL and picked THAT time do do laundry".  I don't give a shit anymore.

All that said, when it comes to my mom, there are plenty of things that irritate and annoy me, but, at the end of the day, she is my mom, we have great relationship, I fume for a bit and get over it.

Example from a few weeks ago - they went on a retreat.  I tried calling 4-5 times and every time it went to voice mail.  I got a frantic phone call from her asking why am I not calling.  Well, how the hell would you know if I called or not - your phone is OFF!!

So, the bottom line, yes, I would be annoyed, yes, I would let some time pass and call and talk like nothing happened bc it's my mom.

Anyone else - VERY different story

[KaraBoo]

I guess it bothers me that I'm relegated to the term "someone".  If my parents or my brother said, "hey, this is my plan....." and it involved me and I didn't hear from them in what I considered a reasonable time frame (hey, they said they'd be there sometime, it's getting late, wonder where they are) - I'd be calling or texting to find out what happened or if anything had changed.

I never expected them to wait ALL day for me.  The conversation about time was vague, but this is also my parents and they know that my own family life (4 teenagers) can be hectic and crazy on any given day.  They know about my life and my struggles - they're my parents.  

I just didn't expect to be blamed for asking why someone didn't call or text me.

[Deleted]

Karaboo, if it helps, you are right and your mom is wrong.

[grits]

You should know by now that blame can be shifted if it gets someone else off the hook.  Could it be this is hurting big time because you were blindsided by the blame game? You know your mother better than we do.

My mother's parents would drive 365 miles one way, and just show up. One time, they said they were coming. We cleaned, and cooked for days. No call, no show. So, one time my mother said we'd probably come. Grandmother cooked huge quantities of food. Mother did not call to cancel. They had to eat roast for weeks. hahaha 

[KaraBoo]

Mar 3, 2014 22:11:30 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Karaboo, if it helps, you are right and your mom is wrong.

Thanks!  




( - actually...I'm pretty sure we're both wrong, and I need the different perspectives to think about...but your comment made me laugh anyway...thanks for the validation!)

[Green Eyed Lady]

I think you are right about not expecting to be blamed for not making it to dinner when you never said you would . Neither should they be blamed for not waiting for you. It was a lack of communication on both sides. Everyone should just say "sorry" and try to do better next time. Sometimes, it's hard to see both sides when your feelings are hurt.   Been there, done that.


ETA:  I see your last post said you were blamed for not calling - not for not being there for dinner.  I must have read it wrong.  So sorry.

[grits]

Just make your mom some Exlax brownies as a peace offering, and get it over with.

[Green Eyed Lady]

With pot in them?  Give her the munchies by giving her munchies?

[resolution]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I really feel for you because it seems like you are facing a lot of challenges in several areas of your life right now. I hope you have a quiet place where you can go to have a measure of calmness and peace.

It does sound like the whole incident was due to poor communication on both sides. I would just let it go if I could and perhaps take a step back from visiting for a while. The next time you plan a visit perhaps you could call them when you leave your house, to make sure they are home and expecting you. I am not trying to imply it was your fault, but since you can only control your own actions and not theirs, I am suggesting an idea that might prevent a re-occurrence. 

[bean29]

I think you need to train your Mom to use the cell phone. It took awile, but my MIL calls DH on his cell phone when she wants to talk to him. She used to call the landline and I'd tell her to call cell. MIL has 8 kids. She has an oldfashioned phone book with # 's in it.

My Mom has been using a cell for years but when Dad was in &out of the hospital I added texting and it was kind of a family project to teach grandma how to use it (my Dh, Dd, Db, nieces, nephews etc). It has taken a team effort and open communication amongst us to help Mom thru Dad's illness and passing and now the financial issues. I don't have time to be jealous. I have offered to help, bowed out due to workload and handled issues on my own. I have also asked Mom to consult DB or DS or asked if she thought we should.

For what it's worth yeah your parent's actions seem kind of wierd and DB could be instigating it. We do have some of those issues crop up from time to time in DH's family, but often we know of it b/c MIL knows someone is trying to manipulate her and she told us about it. It has worked real well for us to ignore it, refuse to respond etc. dH said he did not wan't to ruin his parent's gatherings. The ones responsible for most of the issues are "outlaws" no longer part of the family.

[Deleted]

You didn't call & they didn't call. You both own it. Must be some interesting history there if you both got upset and aggravated on the phone. 

[whoami]

Mar 3, 2014 23:07:25 GMT -5 bean29 said:

I think you need to train your Mom to use the cell phone. It took awile, but my MIL calls DH on his cell phone when she wants to talk to him. She used to call the landline and I'd tell her to call cell. MIL has 8 kids. She has an oldfashioned phone book with # 's in it.

I had the same problem with my MIL. DH is a pilot and gone more than home. She didn't want to call DH on his cell because he might be driving and she didn't want him to have an accident. For some reason, it was ok to call me on my cell (driving or not) so I just started ignoring the calls. Then she would call the home number, which I also ignored after years of telling her to call his cell because I was sick of playing secretary. She finally started calling his cell when he wasn't returning her calls quick enough, because I was done playing middleman when he was on a trip.

[truthbound]

I have dealt with the same thing. They don't need training. You need to leave messages not just call. And call them on their bullshit whenever they try to pull it. Same goes for the sibling rivalry.

[zibazinski]

Kara, you have enough shit and stress in your life without adding more to it. Step back and leave them to do their thing while you figure out yours. I realize your financial difficulties are of your own making but no way would I stand back, as a parent or as a sibling, and mess with you more than you already are messed with. I changed that word I was GOING to use to mess. My mom did the same thing btw, with her stepson and me. I didn't buy into it and she stopped-finally. When you visit, is it just you or do you take the kids, too?

[Deleted]

Karaboo,

Unlike most I get what your saying about the bro.

My mother uses me to get a visit from him.

I call and make plans with her. ...and then she calls him to let him "know" so he can come too.

Last time, it even involved me buying bro and sil lunch!

@tbird, I do this with my children sometimes too. If I know it's been a while since they saw each other, I'll sometimes call my son and let him know my daughter is coming over so he can come too. They visit me individually, but I also like having us all together at the same time sometimes too. Plus, it's a way to get them together, they'd rarely see each other otherwise. Neither of them brings food though lol. I supply food.

Is it possible that maybe your does what she does for similar reasons?

[Deleted]

Oh, that's different then. Neither of my children is upset with the other. If that were the case, I'd be trying to get them to make things right with each other instead of trying to throw them together.

Do what you gotta do!

[KaraBoo]

I'm not going to dwell on this, but I really do appreciate the different perspectives.  I know I tend to take things personally when it comes to my mom dealing with my brother - like I said before, both brother and I have noticed that she favors him over me (in obvious ways).

I get what all of you are saying with me being more definite with a time frame and I'll make sure to do that next time.  I just didn't expect to be blamed for missing out when both parents, at separate conversations last week, commented that they missed me and hadn't seen me since Christmas, I agreed and told them I planned on coming down, just wasn't sure of timing, and then instead of following up to see if I was still going to make it when it started to get late - they just shrugged and said "Oh well, guess she changed her mind."

I wouldn't even bat an eye if this had happened with a friend or acquaintance 1) because I would have been more definite on if I could make it or not and 2) I wouldn't expect them to wait on me - but it is my parents.  They know what I'm struggling with (more so even than what I've shared here) and that I told them I wasn't sure of timing.  I guess I'm putting my own thoughts into theirs because if one of my kids (even the steps) had the same conversation with me, I would have called to find out what's up and had anything changed.

For the record, I wasn't mad on the phone, but I was level voiced.  My mom took that to mean I was mad at her - I wasn't....except I was irritated at her for insisting that it was my dad's fault she couldn't call - that she wanted to, but he told her not to.  Like I said - there's history there and when she does that (blame my dad), she's deflecting her own responsibility onto him because she thinks that'll make everything okay.  She hung up on me before I said anything about it.

As for visiting them with/without the kids - depends on what's going on, who is where and who we have with us.  This past Saturday it turned out it was just me.  

[milee]

Who are all these people that eat dinner at 5?   Asking partly to be funny but also because your family's customs about eating times play a role in this.  If your family normally eats this early, then it's not unexpected that they would have already gone by the time you arrived and nobody should be upset with anybody else.  If your family normally eats at 6, 7 or later, then I can see where you thought you were arriving in time and would be disappointed they'd gone. 

Just a couple ideas for future plans:

1)  I know how tough it can be to make plans when you're dealing with coordinating the schedules of all those people.  Maybe a few more firm limits would help everybody?  For example, instead of saying you'll try to be there or are planning to be there, say that and add that you will know for sure by __ o'clock and will text them yes/no.  That way you are all on the same page for when final plans will be made and there's an agreement about when to go.  Nobody's pressured but nobody's sitting around wondering what's going on.

2)  Small kids are notorious for throwing monkey wrenches into plans, which may be why the parents are catering to the bro's schedule right now (but it definitely sucks for everybody else.)  Could you be honest with your parents and just say something simple like, "Mom, I know it's hard to plan around the baby right now, so I don't want to make that any more complicated.  But I really need a little extra care and support.  Any chance we could _______ together on _________, just us adults?"

3)  You seem to be one of those really together people who keep everything going even when they're having a tough time.  Is it possible that your parents just see you as so together they don't think they need to worry about you as much?  I know how much that can suck - I've always been that person - because you don't get any support as people think you can handle everything.  If it helps, try to think of it as the compliment that it really is.  They think you're so put together that you're fine no matter what happens.

Good luck.  Family stuff is hard.   

[justme]

I probably would have called/texted once I had a better idea of when I was coming.

But, I also would have called the person that was most likely coming today before I made/committed to other plans to a) make sure they're not roadkill or something and b) see if they have a time of arrival as I was planning to do something at X time.

And in this case since you have a mess of kids at your house vs one couple, I'd probably put the onus on them to check. I've been told kids can be a handful and can make time move slow/fast.

[muttleynfelix]

How far away do they live? I would probably call or text when I was leaving. But then I live a long way from my parents and have little kids. So, I send an email once we are on the road and then give them a text at an hour away, so they can expect us.  I would also call someone if I was expecting them (especially a family member) and we weren't going to be home.

But I've been at the opposite end. I'm very anal retentive.  When my SIL visits, everything is very go with the flow. Since the whole family congregates at my house. I have meals planned out and she's gone out to eat like 3 hours before we were going to have our planned supper (that was already prepped at my house).  Last time she visited, we said come at 5:30 and I would bring pizza home from work.  They showed up at 6:15.  THe pizza was cold and my kids were ready for bed.  Some people have a difference sense of time. If you get 2 of them together, it can be bad things.

[whoisjohngalt]

OK, one more thought...

I don't know how busy your parents' life is, but I am sure they know that yours is.  I think, while not required, it would be much nicer and kinder of them to give you a quick call and say "hey, are you still coming over?  we are heading out to McD at 5 if you'd like to join us"