when do you tell a significant other about your finances?

[beergut]

When did you have 'the talk' with your significant other?

As far as my girlfriend knows, I have a job that I really enjoy, and I make enough money to pay for us when we go out on 'date nights' each week, plus we do one 'big' splurge event each month, i.e. concert festival last month, a trip out of town this month. I don't have expensive tastes, and my favorite restaurants to go to are little hole in the wall restaurants or cheapo fast food places. 

She has a terrific job that she enjoys, and I believe she makes more than me annually, counting just salary and benefits. I work in 'finance', and make commissions, so my salary fluctuates. 

A few years ago after leaving a job, I moved back in with my parents while I went back to school to finish my degree. The arrangement worked out because my grandmother had moved in with them, and it gave them another person to watch her when they needed to be out. My grandmother had cancer, and with my mother having a history of heart problems, I was an extra person to carry luggage, move things around the house, and do the manual labor my father didn't need to be doing in his 60s.

By the time my grandmother passed away, I had graduated college and had a solid job working for a large financial company. I had saved my money and was on the verge of moving out after a year when I had the rug pulled out from under me, and was let go. I had some savings, but I don't think most apartment or condo owners look too favorably on someone who isn't working as a renter, so I stayed at home. 

While looking for something full-time, I ran a side business with my brother that brought in some income, but was not big enough to live on full-time. I also did some writing on the side, which I was paid for, and still maintain a blog to this day. 

I kind of fit the blogger stereotype right now of someone living in his parent's house, except I have a full-time job and career that pays me a competitive wage. I'm sure my SO thought as much when we started dating, because she asked when I was going to move out of my parent's house, and I said the plan was in six months. That was four months ago. 

What she doesn't realize is that I could buy my parents house, and a few other houses on the block. She knows that my parents are 'comfortable' in their retirement, although I'm not sure if she knows how comfortable. My parents have always lived well below their means. 

I once asked her when she plans to retire, and she shrugged her shoulders. I have been fortunate enough with my savings and investing that I could retire tomorrow if I wanted to. 

She knows none of this, and yet she is crazy about me anyway. 

So, the question is, when do you have 'the talk' and reveal your true net worth? 

If we take the next step and make this relationship permanent, is that the time to reveal this? 

[milee]

Totally varies by couple.

One thought, however, is that it also can vary dramatically in different cultures. Given how long you have lived with your parents, is it possible that you are from a cultural background in which this is widely accepted and maybe the GF isn't? If you have different cultural backgrounds, that can make financial discussion more complicated since you may be surrounded with different expectations. Not impossible, just one more factor to consider.

[beergut]

Mar 2, 2014 20:47:41 GMT -5 milee said:

Totally varies by couple.

One thought, however, is that it also can vary dramatically in different cultures. Given how long you have lived with your parents, is it possible that you are from a cultural background in which this is widely accepted and maybe the GF isn't? If you have different cultural backgrounds, that can make financial discussion more complicated since you may be surrounded with different expectations. Not impossible, just one more factor to consider.

 No, no cultural differences between us. 

 I stayed at home for a while because it is convenient, and because it is cheap. 

My parents both know my financial situation, but are not pushing for me to move out. They travel a lot, so I'm a convenient house sitter/dog walker. 

My bigger concern is that I didn't want to end up with a gold digger, so I've kept things low key on spending. 

I'm at a position where my investments out-earn my salary, but I have no desire to quit working. I like what I'm doing. I'm helping people every day, and I enjoy it. 

[sparks2710]

How long have you and your girlfriend been dating?

Me personally, I wouldn't tell her until your wedding night. I too would be afraid of a gold digger. If she loves you, then she loves you for you. Not how much money you have or what you can buy her. Obviously, she doesn't sound like a gold digger but I don't personally know her so its hard to say.

My personal advice would be to tell her when you are ready. Maybe after the engagement

[zibazinski]

I will do it during our prenup since I will have to disclose then.

[cronewitch]

She may not be happy you are doing much better than she. She may also have more than you think but not want to spill before she is ready so shrugged about retirement. She might also be deep in debt and not wanting to tell you.

I think until you merge finances or get a prenup it is too soon.

[plugginaway22]

I have to say that there would have been big flags waving for me if I was your girlfriend.  Why does someone live with parents for so long if they don't have to?  She must have gotten to know you and decided that was ok.  How old are you and girlfriend?  You should not have to explain anything about your financial situation yet.

[DVM gone riding]

What she really wants to know is that a) you work your finances in such away that you CAN move out, pay bills be responsible buy a place b) that you won't ever need her to actually support her. Start with that conversation NOT I have x in retirement and y in brokerage what do you got!  Trust me on this that is what most of us woman want to know. We don't nec care if you can or cannot afford european vacations every year. We care that you are capable of being a self-sufficient adult.

[Deleted]

Once you have some type of financial security I'm more interested in your attitude towards money than exactly how much you have. I would be more worried that you are cheap and even though you have the money you would never want to spend it. Being able to buy a bunch of houses but unwilling to spend the money to buy even one could be a red flag to me.

[quince]

I spilled the negatives (CC debt) but not the positives (Positive net worth, money in retirement accounts) when my SO and I discussed living together.  I had a habit of steering focus to my negative traits rather than my positive ones...sort of a ..."are you SURE you want to do this? Just want to let you know what you're in for!" attitude.  

[Gardening Grandma]

It depends on the people involved.  With us, we had "the talk" when I moved in with him. He was appalled that I owed $800 on my (only) credit card and told me I could live with hm rent free, if I agreed to pay the card off.  I'd never met someone so anti debt.... 

At the same I was a bigger saver than he was, so we kind of gave esch other some balance.  Rather than touch my savings, I'd run a balance whereas he'd pull money out of savings before he'd run a balance....

[whoisjohngalt]

Well, my husband never knew how much money I had.  And now he has no clue how much money we have.

G-d forbid he finds out!!!!!

On a flip side, I had access to ALL his accounts into our second month of dating.....

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 2, 2014 22:46:32 GMT -5 plugginaway22 said:

I have to say that there would have been big flags waving for me if I was your girlfriend.  Why does someone live with parents for so long if they don't have to?  She must have gotten to know you and decided that was ok.  How old are you and girlfriend?  You should not have to explain anything about your financial situation yet.

Bc it's nice, convenient and cheap.  and my mom always packed me nice lunches and made my dinners.

After  I moved out, I had to do all that crap myself

[beergut]

Mar 2, 2014 22:46:32 GMT -5 plugginaway22 said:

I have to say that there would have been big flags waving for me if I was your girlfriend.  Why does someone live with parents for so long if they don't have to?  She must have gotten to know you and decided that was ok.  How old are you and girlfriend?  You should not have to explain anything about your financial situation yet.

She is 45, I am 37. She teases me about 'cougaring' me. 

I was very upfront about living at home, which is why she asked when I planned to move out. 

One of the reasons I have yet to move out is because I'm not sure where to move yet. 

She lives 40 minutes away from me, and I spend three days/four nights a week in her area. 

She lives close to her job, but the area I work in (we have two offices) is directly south of her. I am close to where I work, and she is close to where she works. 

One of the reasons I gave the six month timetable is because I figured by then I'd know if this relationship is going to last, and whether to consider her location when I move out. 

Right now, I'm thinking of moving closer to her, even though that will inconvenience me slightly because it moves me away from work.

[truthbound]

Getting paid to write? Where do I sign up?

[nervous1]

My wife and I have the same approximate age difference (I'm 45, she's 38). We met when she was 22 and I was 29, and we have always been completely upfront and open about finances. When we met, I was in grad school, had a little bit of cc debt, a retirement account started, and some savings (enough to more than cover the cc debt). She was still in college, so nothing of consequence.

In my opinion, being completely open with your partner about your finances is really the only way to go. If you are worried that she's going to try to take your assets, then she's probably not the right person for you. Mutual trust and respect is the key to a solid, long-lasting and rewarding relationship.

[resolution]

Four months ago you told your girlfriend you were planning to move out from your parents in around six months. I think if the six month time frame hits, you should give her some form of explanation of what is going on. It doesn't need to be a net worth statement but something to comprehensively explain the situation of you still living at home.

When I was still single I reached a point where I stopped dating men that were still living at home. Mainly I was concerned that they still had that parent/child dynamic and would expect me to step in and continue taking care of them like their parent was doing. There was the financial concern, but much larger concerns would be contribution to the household chores, cooking, laundry, cleaning, and decision making. Also the possible attachment to Mom, where Mom would be a continuing participant in the couple's relationship.

I think these other issues are equally important to the financial issue, and they should be an important part of the discussion. Because you lived independently for an extended period of time before you moved back in to go to school, you should add that to the conversation so she knows that you are self sufficient. 

As to when I had a financial discussion with DH, we didn't start out talking numbers. We had a few conversations about money philosophy and decided we were on the same page with living frugally and investing for the future. The numbers didn't come up until we were engaged but nothing was a surprise because of the previous discussions.

[sesfw]

So, the question is, when do you have 'the talk' and reveal your true net worth?

I think in your case it would be when you two write your pre-nups after you are officially engaged.  And by that time the engagement should be a short one.

Although I agree with 'resolution' and her assessment of dating men that still lived at home.  I know the convenience of living at home but you really need to live alone for a couple of years to get familiar with yourself and how your home truly works.  Laundry, dusting, cooking, bathroom cleaning, etc.  Can you find a place half way between your work places?

Surprise yourself.   Good luck.

[alabamagal]

DH and I met when we were poor college students.  No discussion required!

[txmomof4]

beergut,

What do you know of her finances?  Does she own her home?  Do you know if she has credit card debt?  Does she ever express angst over her finances?  As a woman I would be delightfully surprised to learn that my boyfriend is financially set, but if I were to find out my boyfriend was sinking in debt and wasn't able to handle his money it would might be a deal breaker.  Would you drop her like a hot potato if you found out she was troubled financially?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

We talked about it as soon as we started living together, but we were both broke so not a lot to discuss.

I'd be happy to know my boyfriend is finanically solvent but hearing "Well I COULD move out, but don't really wanna" would be a red flag for me.  I'd be wondering how interested he is in moving on to the next phase of his life.  Would he be willing to move in with me?  Would I be expected to live with his parents too?

What exactly are you planning on doing with your life would be my question.  I mean it's great you accumulated tons of money but I wouldn't be interested in someone who lives with his parents solely in order to watch his bank balance grow. 

I'd want to know you have some sort of end goal in mind, that living with your parents is part of a plan that has an end date.   Otherwise like I said I'd be wondering if we continue forward if I'll end up his parents' basement too.

[Deleted]

I was very wary after my divorce. My Ex was a spendthrift and had been unemployed for 5 years. I had a good job, significant retirement savings and owned a house with a swimming pool in a nice suburb. I would have waited a long time to let any new man in my life know how well I was doing because I didn't want to attract leeches.

DH and I met in a theology class a year before my divorce was final. I wasn't thinking of him as husband material; he was just a classmate. So, we learned a lot about each other under more relaxed circumstances. After the divorce was final and I was showing around the listing of the house I'd bought, I was dimly aware that now he knew I could afford a $350,000 house. We dated for 6 years before we married and never did move in together till after we married, so the details of our finances and how we handled money emerged gradually. What I saw was a guy who made about half what I did and had little savings because he'd been taking care of others all his life, but who had no debt other than his mortgage and cheerfully lived on less than he made. As it became clear that I had more money, we developed a comfortable equilibrium about sharing expenses of dating and travel, but he didn't take it as an opportunity to upgrade his lifestyle. By the time we married in 2003, I was confident that he brought important qualities other than money to the relationship. I was right.

[giramomma]

Mar 2, 2014 20:40:31 GMT -5 beergut said:

A few years ago after leaving a job, I moved back in with my parents while I went back to school to finish my degree. The arrangement worked out because my grandmother had moved in with them, and it gave them another person to watch her when they needed to be out. My grandmother had cancer, and with my mother having a history of heart problems, I was an extra person to carry luggage, move things around the house, and do the manual labor my father didn't need to be doing in his 60s.

This is much different than "I don't know how to cook, clean, or change a light bulb" because mom/dad do it for me.

I also think OP said that his parents use him as a house/pet sitter. To me, that would imply that the OP can handle taking care of a house to some degree, knows when how to push a vacuum cleaner, clean the toilets, and cook.

In this situation, I wouldn't be particularly concerned about him living with his folks. Mulch-generational families work for some. It sounds like his family has a good dynamic. There for each other when they need it, but not overly enmeshed.

If OP would have said "Every time my parents went on vacation, I had to come with, because I couldn't cook for myself and I would have NO idea what to do if a pipe burst or I had sewage in the basement.. Because of that, I can only work part time. No full time job would ever let me take off 6 weeks every year." Then, yes, I'd worry about enmeshment, work ethic, etc.

I was dating my H for about 9 months when I knew he had more money than me. It was pretty obvious, though. He didn't need to work in school to pay extras, and after he graduated he didn't have a job for a couple  months. His parents did pay for some catastophic health insurance, but that was it. Money had to be coming from somewhere for him to live on. We were 21 when I could figure this out.

I didn't know the true extent of how much my H had until we were married. But, I wasn't anxious about it because we were both savers.

I'm guessing that your girlfriend probably guesses that you are worth quite a bit already. I don't think you need to give her an exact number, but I think how much would come up in discussions of life goals like early retirement and how she plans to support her kids through young adulthood. Again, if you talk about retirement and you mention that you want to retire in the next 10 years, she's going to figure out you've got a good amount of money.

[whoisjohngalt]

My husband lived with his parents for a longest time.  There is not a single thing that this man can't do.  He cooks better than me, cleans better than me, he can do laundry better than me.  He knows about gardening and is very good with tools/woodworking.  He knows everything about household fixing.  Computers.  You name it - he can do it.  Part of it, his dad taught him.  Part of it - that's just how smart and curious and determined he is.

HOWEVER!!!  The emotional connection to his parents in *my* opinion is borderline unhealthy.  So, there is that.

I also lived with my parents most of the time I was single.  I am also quite capable of taking care of myself (I would have to do a lot more of hiring out, though).  And the umbilical cord was cut a long time ago between my parents and I, although we do have an amazing relationship.

I think there is such a stigma attached to "living with your parents" in this country, that some people don't even bother looking beyond that.

So, I think OP's girlfriend should know him well enough by now to look beyond the "living with his parents" thing

[beergut]

Mar 3, 2014 11:49:33 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Mar 2, 2014 20:40:31 GMT -5 beergut said:

A few years ago after leaving a job, I moved back in with my parents while I went back to school to finish my degree. The arrangement worked out because my grandmother had moved in with them, and it gave them another person to watch her when they needed to be out. My grandmother had cancer, and with my mother having a history of heart problems, I was an extra person to carry luggage, move things around the house, and do the manual labor my father didn't need to be doing in his 60s.

This is much different than "I don't know how to cook, clean, or change a light bulb" because mom/dad do it for me.

I also think OP said that his parents use him as a house/pet sitter. To me, that would imply that the OP can handle taking care of a house to some degree, knows when how to push a vacuum cleaner, clean the toilets, and cook.

In this situation, I wouldn't be particularly concerned about him living with his folks. Mulch-generational families work for some. It sounds like his family has a good dynamic. There for each other when they need it, but not overly enmeshed.

If OP would have said "Every time my parents went on vacation, I had to come with, because I couldn't cook for myself and I would have NO idea what to do if a pipe burst or I had sewage in the basement.. Because of that, I can only work part time. No full time job would ever let me take off 6 weeks every year." Then, yes, I'd worry about enmeshment, work ethic, etc.

I was dating my H for about 9 months when I knew he had more money than me. It was pretty obvious, though. He didn't need to work in school to pay extras, and after he graduated he didn't have a job for a couple  months. His parents did pay for some catastophic health insurance, but that was it. Money had to be coming from somewhere for him to live on. We were 21 when I could figure this out.

I didn't know the true extent of how much my H had until we were married. But, I wasn't anxious about it because we were both savers.

I'm guessing that your girlfriend probably guesses that you are worth quite a bit already. I don't think you need to give her an exact number, but I think how much would come up in discussions of life goals like early retirement and how she plans to support her kids through young adulthood. Again, if you talk about retirement and you mention that you want to retire in the next 10 years, she's going to figure out you've got a good amount of money.

Hmmmm, I had two different apartments when I made my first tour of college in the late '90s. I don't have a problem living alone, and know how to cook, clean, and run a household. 

After I left college and went to work here, I had another apartment for several years. When I lost my job and decided to go back to college to finish my degree, that is when I moved back home. Some people on here seem to assume that I'm some leech living with my parents, when nothing could be further from the truth.

GF owns her own home, and has a good career. She knows I can cook, because I often cook for her.

Good thoughts, gira, I enjoyed your response. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

My then bf and I started discussing it when we'd been dating about 3-4 months, give or take a bit.  I couldn't afford to go out one night, told him so and why/how.  We've been married 10 years this fall so my $15K of debt wasn't a relationship killer.  But I did have it paid off before the wedding and was closing in on paid off before he proposed. 

[milee]

Mar 3, 2014 14:01:57 GMT -5 beergut said:

Mar 3, 2014 11:49:33 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Some people on here seem to assume that I'm some leech living with my parents, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Some people may assume that, but for others it's not that they assume that, it's that living with parents at that age may be considered a red flag that needs more investigating.  Who cares what strangers on a message board assume?  Doesn't impact you.  But what your GF thinks does impact you.  So don't worry about the strangers, but do take note of what they're saying.  Because if enough strangers are mentioning that for them, the living at home might be a red flag, it's very possible that this is a red flag for your GF, too, and that would be good to know.  She obviously likes you enough to not run away screaming, so living with parents isn't a deal breaker, but the fact that she's asked when you plan to move out may be an indication that she is trying to figure out if it's a red flag... and if it is a red flag, what's going on.

So ignore the strangers but do start focusing on what the GF thinks about this so you don't blow an otherwise good relationship over something that isn't a big deal, but which many woman would consider a red flag.

[resolution]

I certainly didn't intend to disparage your capabilities when I posted my thoughts about dating a man that lived at home. Just that your girlfriend had brought it up as a subject for discussion and asked you for a time frame for when you were moving out.

You seemed to be completely focused on the financial side of things when it could be those other aspects that she is considering. It may be helpful to discuss the big picture with her when you have that conversation.

I also think you are safe from her being a gold digger as you don't appear to be living a lifestyle that would attract that type of woman. I am confident that she cares about you for yourself.

[Sunnyday]

I would also second what another pp said. I would slowly get to know her financial attitudes and financial situation while giving her slowly a general overview of your situation.

While, she might live not extravagantly now, perhaps because she doesn't have the money for it. I mean, there are people with champagne tastes who restricted by their beer budgets, and if they were ever to get a champagne budget, they would go for broke with the champagne budget, you know?

But the financial part is just one component of the whole package, and it should be done slowly. Go shopping with her. See what her attitudes are. Is she like, "I want that and that and that, now." Or is she more, "I can't believe the ridiculous things they try to sell nowadays."

Are her values are in line with your values? Children, whether to have them or not, is often a deal breaker.

[cktc]

Mar 2, 2014 20:40:31 GMT -5 beergut said:

I once asked her when she plans to retire, and she shrugged her shoulders. I have been fortunate enough with my savings and investing that I could retire tomorrow if I wanted to. 

She knows none of this, and yet she is crazy about me anyway. 

So, the question is, when do you have 'the talk' and reveal your true net worth? 

If we take the next step and make this relationship permanent, is that the time to reveal this? 

I’m bad at this in my own relationship, so take this for what it’s worth, but I think as long as you are honest and can discuss whether your lifestyle and goals are compatible you don’t have to lay down all your cards (net worth) before engagement. If the other stuff isn’t in line that is another issue (mine?).

Just one question, outside of whether or not she is a gold digger, do you care about how she handles her finances? Sometimes people are less judgmental when they have their own skeletons. So he still lives at home but I...?. I mean she is 45 and shrugging her shoulders about retirement? It took me awhile to worry about that, but you'd think she would have some thoughts on it