moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jan 16, 2014 0:42:38 GMT -5
eek, I am the consistently late friend myself, but I always let the other person know as far in advance as possible. My childhood BFF just lies and says "be there at 1:30" if I should be there by 1:45 or 2. I appreciate that she is flexible and knows me well enough to "schedule me" better. Something like this though - a standing, weekly deal - well, she needs to get it together or get left out.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jan 16, 2014 0:55:35 GMT -5
Move your meet up time earlier by a half hour even if you will be late. Then when she is late it will be about when you get there. If she remains late or says she can't come then she can come at regular time when she arrives late you have already been there more than an hour so may have left. Or tell her you will only be there until a time so when she comes just as you are leaving you already are at the end of the evening.
You could be honest with her. Explain that you feel disrespected when she is later than 5 minutes late and you aren't going to enjoy meeting with her if she can't respect your time.
Passive aggressive I would not tell her yet move the evening to 15 minutes earlier so she is always there after you have received your food and finished your wine if she is late at all. If she starts coming on time tell her you got there early so went ahead and ordered since you were starved, didn't get any lunch.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jan 16, 2014 7:25:18 GMT -5
Clarification: she ordered another glass bottle of wine when we'd said we were done and were giving her all indications of wanting to get moving. And then she poured herself a glass and she sipped it the glass slowly to keep us there longer than we wanted to. She didn't tie you down. Just say "I Goya go" and leave.
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MarleyKeezy78
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Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jan 16, 2014 8:13:06 GMT -5
Gotcha, well hmmm... Maybe tell her to meet a hour earlier
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nogooddeed
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Post by nogooddeed on Jan 16, 2014 8:48:34 GMT -5
This happened to me last week. Two friends were late, no calls, no texts letting me know. I waited 30 minutes and left. They were both upset and made all kinds of excuses, but I think they got the point.
For those of you who are always late - WHY? Shouldn't you work on changing your issues rather than making everyone else accomodate you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2014 9:02:57 GMT -5
I am a space cadet about a LOT of things but my Mom ingrained punctuality into our souls. I am chronically early for everything!
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 16, 2014 9:05:37 GMT -5
Wait... 3 people and there is leftover wine in the bottle?!?!?!?!
I'd ditch the commitment and work out something with the nonrude friend.
Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 16, 2014 9:11:18 GMT -5
Clarification: she ordered another glass bottle of wine when we'd said we were done and were giving her all indications of wanting to get moving. And then she poured herself a glass and she sipped it the glass slowly to keep us there longer than we wanted to. Unless that glass of wine had a gun in it that was pointed to your head, SHE didn't keep you there, YOU decided to stay. She is also not a child that can't be left without supervision. I'll admit for full disclosure that I don't have that many friends, but it always confuses me as to why people remain friends with people who cause them grief. In any case, I would behave as she is not part of the meetups anymore. I would coordinate with the other friend and come and stay as long or as little as you both want. I don't think it's rude or burning bridges to say to someone "oh we've been here for an hour and ready to head home, have a great night, we'll see you later". I certainly wouldn't build my time around someone who has no consideration for me. Unless I absolutely had to. do you have to? Lena, I really wish you lived near me. Because I think I'd like to hang out with you!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 16, 2014 9:12:54 GMT -5
I am a space cadet about a LOT of things but my Mom ingrained punctuality into our souls. I am chronically early for everything! I got left if I was late so I am like beerwench. Sometimes I have to make myself wait before heading out or I will be way early. If I am late family would be calling hospitals, jails, and cops!!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 16, 2014 9:16:28 GMT -5
I'm another 15 minutes, no show, no call, I'm gone.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jan 16, 2014 9:25:24 GMT -5
I don't have an answer to your larger question, but for this weekly meeting I'd suggest making an end time. For instance, you meet from 7-8pm. So, if your friend shows up at 7:30, you get half an hour with her. If she shows up at 7:55, you spend 5 minutes together. The point is you email the friends and say "life is busy so I'm going to have to put a cap on when I leave going forward" or something like that so that THEY know you'll leave at X time.
I sometimes meet up with friends and it is really hard for us all to meet at the same time. So we'll reserve a table for a couple hours and we come/go as we have to. Say we reserve the table from 7-9pm but some can only do 7-8, while others can only do 7:30-9, and maybe one person can only do 8:45-9. But at least this way expectations are understood and no one is waiting on anyone. Just an idea.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jan 16, 2014 9:38:18 GMT -5
Ok, i used to always be on time or early. I've found with a baby/toddler though, my timeline is not always in my control, so I have occassionally been late to things.
I have actually received panicked phone calls wondering if I was dead - after being 5 minutes late for something, so that should tell you how punctual I usually am.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jan 16, 2014 9:39:13 GMT -5
Unless that glass of wine had a gun in it that was pointed to your head, SHE didn't keep you there, YOU decided to stay. She is also not a child that can't be left without supervision. I'll admit for full disclosure that I don't have that many friends, but it always confuses me as to why people remain friends with people who cause them grief. In any case, I would behave as she is not part of the meetups anymore. I would coordinate with the other friend and come and stay as long or as little as you both want. I don't think it's rude or burning bridges to say to someone "oh we've been here for an hour and ready to head home, have a great night, we'll see you later". I certainly wouldn't build my time around someone who has no consideration for me. Unless I absolutely had to. do you have to? Lena, I really wish you lived near me. Because I think I'd like to hang out with you! That is sooo sweet. It's never too late for you to move to my wonderful state!!
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jan 16, 2014 12:16:11 GMT -5
I've had a standing monthly date with 4 other women for several years now. One is always late. Sometimes she's simply forgotten. We start without her, greet her when she does arrive (whenever that is) and go on. She is a lovely person, fun to be around, but always late. I don't think it's a control issue, but rather a very very hectic life (full time job, unhelpful spouse, a teenaged son with issues and a dying mother) combined with a general lack of organization.
Since there are 5 of us in all, her lateness is only a minor annoyance. If there were just 3 of us, I'd be inclined to make plans with the punctual one separately.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jan 16, 2014 12:33:38 GMT -5
I'll just criticize you since that's how I roll. I think others have given some good ideas on other aspects.
Consider that you've got a little bit of martyr going on in this situation. You can't do what you want to do because then your friend would have to deal with it and on and on and on. "Saving" your friend from dealing with a mutual friend isn't your job. Also consider that perhaps some of the reason you don't want them alone together is that they talk about you from the sounds of it. You can't make choices that you're making out of being a martyr, then be mad at Always Late because you made those choices. If she wants to order another bottle and drink it, that's none of your concern...just get up when you're ready.
I also don't think it's unreasonable for her to say she'd prefer to meet later. You don't want to because it's inconvenient for you. You're making it inconvenient for her apparently which is fine, but when a friend says "Listen, I'm going to be late a lot if we meet at that time, but I can meet later", I find it hard to get mad when you've chosen a time you already know she will be late. As far as her getting off work an hour earlier, it's not really your place to decide when she should be available or not, anymore than it should be her place to decide you should be available to socialize long into the night.
There sounds like plenty to criticize about her tardiness, but at least she's owning it and providing suggestions about meeting later. You're "sending signals" and otherwise getting mad that she isn't either picking up on those signals, or is choosing to ignore your signals about what you want her to do and choosing to do what she enjoys. This isn't one-sided, you could learn a "little" from her in this regard. This time clearly doesn't work for her, so she's going to be late, and if she wants to drink longer than you do, she's going to. You can't make her responsible for the fact you're also choosing to stay later.
That said, i want to stab people in the eye who are always late. If it were me, and my friend wasn't going to show that night, I'd wait 5 minutes then leave if Always Late wasn't there.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jan 16, 2014 14:48:02 GMT -5
Once a week seems like a LOT to me. But I'm an introvert. Maybe you should try scaling it back to every other week and see if her attendance improves.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Jan 16, 2014 14:55:43 GMT -5
I think its pretty disrespectful to keep people waiting......You are sending a signal that your time is more important than theirs.
Like hoops, I'll wait for no-one...If there isn't a message....Perhaps about 20 minutes then leave.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 16, 2014 15:00:52 GMT -5
I am a space cadet about a LOT of things but my Mom ingrained punctuality into our souls. I am chronically early for everything! I got left if I was late so I am like beerwench. Sometimes I have to make myself wait before heading out or I will be way early. If I am late family would be calling hospitals, jails, and cops!! NNP and I are related. I've had people get so worried about me being late for something (since I am chronically early for everything), they've come over to my house, expecting to find me dead. And I hate lateness in others, unless there is a valid reason. You are repeatedly late, I'm gone. I can do better than waste my time on you.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Jan 16, 2014 15:11:44 GMT -5
Once a week seems like a LOT to me. But I'm an introvert. Maybe you should try scaling it back to every other week and see if her attendance improves. I would change the meeting to every other week or only 1 get together a month. There is no way that I could deal with that on a weekly basis. Unless this is the only time you drink alcohol. Than I completely understand the need for a "weekly meeting."
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jan 16, 2014 15:24:58 GMT -5
I meet people regularly for happy hours all the time. I have never insisted on people being on time after work as people's work situations and commutes vary. I give a range of time I'll be there and then enjoy my time with whomever joins me during that range of time. I leave when I'm ready to leave regardless of whether somebody shows up 5 minutes before I'm ready to leave. They can enjoy the company of whoever wants to stay and hang out longer.
If I found myself alone during my range of time because of friends who are chronically late, then I find somebody who is excited as I am to get out of work and have a drink to hang out with until others arrive and add them to the regular distribution. Cast a wider net so you're never alone if neither friend is reliable.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Jan 16, 2014 19:25:22 GMT -5
Wait... 3 people and there is leftover wine in the bottle?!?!?!?! I'd ditch the commitment and work out something with the nonrude friend. Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards There's leftover wine in the second bottle! The other friend and I are both on diets right now, so we're trying to watch our wine intake. I have told both friends I'm good for a certain time length for our get-togethers, and for the most part I do stick to it. The place is very good about splitting the wine in whatever ways we tell them to. We sit at a table (not the bar), and if I'm seated at a table waiting for someone who doesn't show, I've probably ordered something already which means I have to settle up. I suppose I could just throw cash down on the table and leave. I'll keep that in mind. I actually have left a place when she and I were meeting alone -- she was on the phone telling me blow by blow about how close she was, what red lights she ran into, and wouldn't I wait and stay for just one glass of wine. Answer: No. So she knows it bothers me. And I have cut back my socializing with her drastically. We are down to one night a week for the most part. When the bigger group gets together (which happens for breakfasts I rarely attend), it is more of a loose thing with people coming and going. That's hard to do with 3. The way I see it, my best option is to get there on time and leave when my self-imposed time limit is up, regardless of what's on her plate, in her glass, or whether her endless capacity for socializing has been met. If the other friend knows she is going to be late, I can tell them to meet at whatever time they like because I'll skip that week.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jan 16, 2014 21:47:41 GMT -5
...:::"She's probably as sick of these meet ups as you are. Just say, "hey, this isn't working with my schedule now. How about we take a break?"":::... Can the next meetup be at a restaurant that is known as a good "breakup place"? And when you both sit down, remember to say (very remorsefully) that "its not you, its me"
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 16, 2014 22:02:32 GMT -5
Wait... 3 people and there is leftover wine in the bottle?!?!?!?! I'd ditch the commitment and work out something with the nonrude friend. Sent from my Nexus 4 using proboards There's leftover wine in the second bottle! The other friend and I are both on diets right now, so we're trying to watch our wine intake. I have told both friends I'm good for a certain time length for our get-togethers, and for the most part I do stick to it. The place is very good about splitting the wine in whatever ways we tell them to. We sit at a table (not the bar), and if I'm seated at a table waiting for someone who doesn't show, I've probably ordered something already which means I have to settle up. I suppose I could just throw cash down on the table and leave. I'll keep that in mind. I actually have left a place when she and I were meeting alone -- she was on the phone telling me blow by blow about how close she was, what red lights she ran into, and wouldn't I wait and stay for just one glass of wine. Answer: No. So she knows it bothers me. And I have cut back my socializing with her drastically. We are down to one night a week for the most part. When the bigger group gets together (which happens for breakfasts I rarely attend), it is more of a loose thing with people coming and going. That's hard to do with 3. The way I see it, my best option is to get there on time and leave when my self-imposed time limit is up, regardless of what's on her plate, in her glass, or whether her endless capacity for socializing has been met. If the other friend knows she is going to be late, I can tell them to meet at whatever time they like because I'll skip that week. Phew! i feel better about the wine situation!
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Jan 16, 2014 22:20:12 GMT -5
Phew! i feel better about the wine situation! Trust me, underconsumption of wine is not a problem we have. In reading all the responses and thinking hard about what to write in this thread and how to explain it all without divulging identifiable information, it's made me realize that this is not a friendship I want to devote a lot more time too. I'd much rather we just be acquaintances and be able to deal with each other pleasantly, but superficially. I'm thinking about an exit strategy. There will be a time for a major break in a few months. After that, I think that any resumption of regular get togethers will be off the table.
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