reversed invitation. opinions

[Sunnyday]

to start off, it's not a big deal. so don't tell me that it's not a big deal. I already know. I just want some thoughts.

A parent from our daycare came over today on a professional visit. She's a designer. Mu daughter always talks about how she wants her friend to come over and play. I thought about inviting them, but never did.

We don't really socialize at all with anyone at the daycare. It's a small daycare, and we almost never cross paths.

So my daughter kept bugging me about it when she found out that her friend's mother was coming to our house. So I told her to ask her friend's mother if her friend can come over and play.

My daughter asked, and the mother said why don't you come over? And somehow before I knew it, I'm suppose to drop off my daughter tomorrow to play.

I don't know if she expects me to go over too or just drop off my daughter. I will call before going to check. so that's definitely not a big deal.

But on the hand, I can't exactly ask her why she reversed the invitation.

The house was clean. It just felt weird. Maybe I gave weird vibes? Someone invites you over and then they are like, oh no, why don't you come over?

my daughter is almost 3, and the other girl is 3 1/2.

Should I feel insulted? or is it perhaps she had no interest in socializing, and my daughter's question put her in an awkward social situation?

[Sam_2.0]

I honestly wouldn't put too much thought in to it. It's more likely that she just extended the invitiation when your daughter asked instead of feeling like she was inviting herself over to your place? We have several friends that we seem to interact with only at their house (one couple) or ours (another couple). Just the way it works I guess.

[muttleynfelix]

Should I feel insulted? or is it perhaps she had no interest in socializing, and my daughter's question put her in an awkward social situation?

Does she have other kids? Is your house maybe out of the way for her?  My neighbor doesn't like her kids to come over to my house because "her kids are crazy".  My son has gone over to play a number of times, but her kids have only been up to our house once and she was so embarrassed by their behavior that basically they won't be back by themselves in a long time (her kids were 2 and 4 at the time).  

Basically, I doubt it is about you at all.  It is probably more about her kid(s) or her level of "helicoptering" than it is anything about you.  JMO

[milee]

I wouldn't even think twice about it. There are so many innocent reasons for reversing the invite that it's impossible to even start to guess. Maybe she needed to be at her house to meet a repairman and knew her daughter would get worried if she left her with someone she didn't yet know well. Maybe her daughter needed a dose of medication during the time when the play date was scheduled and she wanted the daughter to be home to give it to her. Maybe she didn't understand the initial invite (because frankly I had some difficulty wading through your OP) and instead of trying to sort through it, just decided to make it easy and invite you.

So many possibilities that aren't insulting. Choose not to be. YMMV.

[milee]

Also, I just re-read your OP and realized you had your daughter asking the friend's mother directly. If I were an adult and a child were asking me directly, I'd wonder if the child already had the parent's permission, so wouldn't feel comfy agreeing. I might - to make the situation easy and avoid the awkwardness of having to "verify" what the child said - just invite the child over to play.

[Deleted]

If a child at that age asked me about a play date, I wouldn't automatically assume it was sanctioned by the adult. As someone said, I'd feel more like I was inviting myself, so I'd offer to have her instead. I'd assume that if a 'sanctioned' play date for 3 year olds was happening, the mom would be oing the asking...

It also could be that she has things to do at home, etc. like milee Sid, lots of non insulting reasons it could be...

[Chocolate Lover]

Jan 9, 2014 17:02:20 GMT -5 milee said:

Also, I just re-read your OP and realized you had your daughter asking the friend's mother directly. If I were an adult and a child were asking me directly, I'd wonder if the child already had the parent's permission, so wouldn't feel comfy agreeing. I might - to make the situation easy and avoid the awkwardness of having to "verify" what the child said - just invite the child over to play.

It'd be easy enough to answer that one "if it's ok with your Mom..."

I had one mom that was always wanting my kid at her house, she blamed her DDs clinginess. Rebuffed many invites to let her DD come to my house. Then she quit answering her phone. A few weeks later DD tells me that her friend told her that her mom said she couldn't come over to their house anymore.      I went to high school with the parents, was never friends with either one and had only one memorable interaction with either of them. I still have no clue, but since DD took it with a shrug, I didn't bother to care. Much. 

[Deleted]

DD's BFF doesn't like our dog so all play dates have been at his house. DS's BFF is painfully shy so he wants all play date at his house. SCORE!

[Sunnyday]

the woman has 3 children. One aged out of daycare and the other two are still in daycare.

sorry, the post wasn't clear. I didn't want to use names, so it was very, "a friend of a friend blah blah."

I had told my daughter that she could ask the question to the mother directly. And I prompted her to ask the question, but my daughter forgot what it was. Then after a couple of more promptings from the woman about whether my daughter remembered her question is when my daughter finally asked the question. So the woman obviously knew that the question was discussed prior to her arrival.

But, Wrong side did bring up a good point. My daughter is young for just being dropped off. If the mother meant for only my daughter to come, how do I invite myself?

damn, I have enough trouble managing my own social interactions, but now that of my children! oh vey.

[Deleted]

damn, I have enough trouble managing my own social interactions, but now that of my children! oh vey.

Ain't that the truth....

[Deleted]

If the mother meant for only my daughter to come, how do I invite myself?

Bring cookies / donuts / something and hope you'll be invited in for coffee or tea? Be frank and say that you don't feel comfortable leaving her alone, does the other mom mind if you stay for a while? I'd think it was weirder to have a mom of a 3YO running to her car than asking to stay. With kids that young, I'd EXPECT the mom to stay!

I honestly think you have no reason to worry. She probably doesn't want to be in charge of a 3YO she barely knows any more than you want to leave your 3YO with a lady she barely knows. 

It's cute that you had your DD ask, but I probably would have clarified, my DD would love to play with your DD, so why don't you both come over tomorrow? Perhaps SHE thinks that YOU were expecting HER to drop HER 3YO off ... and she isn't comfortable with that either, so she turned things around, and asked your DD to go to her house. She MAY be wrongly assuming that you're OK with parents dropping 3YOs off, and would prefer YOU drop YOUR DD off.  

I have 4 kids, all much older now (thank Gd lol). But when they were little and there were situations like that, I tended to say, why don't you come over with your DD, the kids can play and we can have coffee / tea? That makes it clear that the other parent is welcome too, and not just expected to drop off their young child.

There'll be plenty of time for that later, as the kids get older, and everybody knows each other better.  

ETA: There could also be a ton of other reasons ... prior commitments, other kids at home, waiting for a delivery / plumber / electrician. But, it's probably better to be straightforward and include the parent in invitations for kids that age. 

[Phoenix84]

There's only one thing that it could possibly mean.  She sensed something terribly wrong with you and your home and couldn't risk bringing her daughter into such a situation.

[Deleted]

I just thought of something else, Rainy. You say she has 3 kids ... she probably feels it is less of an imposition for you to bring your one kid over to her house than for her to bring her 3 (or 2 if it's a school day) over to your house. 

[Deleted]

I'd call, say dd hasn't done a lot of play dates, she's a little nervousness, would mom mind if you stuck around...

[Phoenix84]

In all seriousness though, I wouldn't read too much into it.  Some people are more comfortable engaging with others at their own homes and vice versa.  No one ever comes to visit me, I always go to visit them.

[Sunnyday]

Good points were bought up. But I just ha this major Aha moment.

I'm a really shitty communicator.

If I actually articulated what I wanted and expressed it, I wouldn't been asking random people on the Internet their opinion.

Me also thinks this is why my marriage is going downhill.
[truly sad face]

[Apple]

Sorry about the bad communication--sometimes I have a hard time saying things right and it frustrates me.  (for the spouse part, maybe just start with "I love you, I suck at communicating, help me out?")

Is your three year old your oldest? (sorry I don't know, a lot of my reading is hit-and-run)  If so, it's I'd call and say something similar to what Oped said, but if you don't care if you stay or leave, just ask if she would like you to stay.  I'd go with "I'm really sorry, but I'm new to the whole play date thing, and have no clue if you would like me to stay, or if you're ok with my child loose in your house."  I just try to be honest about my awkwardness/cluelessness, make light of it, and leave it in their court.  Most of the time it works.

[Deleted]

It is not a big deal

[Deleted]

Your daughter is 3.   Who knows what she said to the mom.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My kids are 4 and 5.5.  We don't do a whole lot of playdates and so far none of them have been at anyone's home.  I may be overprotective but I'd be staying.  I'd want to get a feel for the house vibes (tense, casual, perfection, whatever) and parenting style.  And just how normal they are (or aren't), based on MY sense of normal. 

[sheilaincali]

Just be honest and tell the lady- "my schedule is free so if you'd like me to stay I'm happy to get a chance to visit with you, but if you have some things you want to do around the house while the kids are playing I can use the free hour or two to run to the grocery store".   If the play date goes well offer to reciprocate and host the next play date at your house.  Most likely it's easier for her to have your one kid go to her house with her three kids than to haul three kids in the car to your house.  Probably doesn't have a back up option for watching her other kids so bringing her daughter to your house would either require her to drop off and go with the other kids or impose on you to let the other kids play too while she stays and visits.

Yes- three can be considered young for a play-date I guess.  IDK- DS is an only child and he loved having friends over to play so him having a play date on the weekend when he was 3 was a normal event.  By 4 or 5 he was having friends over for a play date/sleep over that lasted entire weekends.  95% of the time it was a drop the kid off and leave him at my house situation but I personally wouldn't have taken offense if the parent followed the kid in the door and wanted to visit with /get to know me while the kids were playing.    

[muttleynfelix]

Jan 10, 2014 10:26:47 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

Just be honest and tell the lady- "my schedule is free so if you'd like me to stay I'm happy to get a chance to visit with you, but if you have some things you want to do around the house while the kids are playing I can use the free hour or two to run to the grocery store".   If the play date goes well offer to reciprocate and host the next play date at your house.  Most likely it's easier for her to have your one kid go to her house with her three kids than to haul three kids in the car to your house.  Probably doesn't have a back up option for watching her other kids so bringing her daughter to your house would either require her to drop off and go with the other kids or impose on you to let the other kids play too while she stays and visits.

Yes- three can be considered young for a play-date I guess.  IDK- DS is an only child and he loved having friends over to play so him having a play date on the weekend when he was 3 was a normal event.  By 4 or 5 he was having friends over for a play date/sleep over that lasted entire weekends.  95% of the time it was a drop the kid off and leave him at my house situation but I personally wouldn't have taken offense if the parent followed the kid in the door and wanted to visit with /get to know me while the kids were playing.    

That is why my neighbor prefers my son come over to her house. His first playdate with them without me, he wasn't 3 yet. I sat and talked with the parents for 30 minutes, but Ben was having fun and they offered to feed him lunch and I said cool, I'm going to run errands.   But with them having 3 kids, including 1 just a year older than Ben and 1 just 9 months younger, it makes sense to them to have my kid come over.  My neighbor is like, eh I already have 2 toddlers, what is another one?   Ben went over there a couple times last winter and spring, but our schedules haven't worked out here the last 9 months (kids sick, travelling, etc). 

[Sunnyday]

I knew it wasn't a big deal, but it helped having feedback.

I did call and did the whole, "I'm new to this whole play date thing." schitck.

It went down quite well.

I think I might know why she didn't want to come to my house though. Her house had a designated children area with an indoor tree house and every toy imaginable. Holy shit balls! She even had a minature classroom set up, and she does not homeschool btw.

It was way more child friendly than my house!!

So it was really me over thinking again. [embarassed face]