It's time for the family holiday drama

[Abby Normal]

I thought we might make it through the holiday without it, but no, it started last night.

I swear one of these years I'm going to go grinch on everyone. 

[zibazinski]

[The Captain]

Sit down and share (I'll even pour the wine).

I promise it will make you feel better.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So far none here and my brother has been home for two weeks.  I don't know if I should be relieved or worried the other shoe is going to drop.

DH's niece tends to create some with BIL (her father) on holidays with will she/won't she show up and bring the kids but we don't get caught up in all that.  I guess last year she said some really nasty stuff the night before.  SIL ended up bringing the grandkids down but niece was a no show.  Who knows what'll happen this year.

[NancysSummerSip]

Do spill (the drama, not the Captain's wine; we all might need some of it).

We go to a friend's for Christmas; it's an annual get-together. One of the attendees is a hopeless drunk who is still very bitter about her XH and their divorce, so that's always good for at least an hour or two of head-shaking and eye-rolling.

[alabamagal]

Details please.....we all need to hear some bad stuff to make our lives seem drama free in comparison!

[Abby Normal]

It's the same thing we seem to go through every year.   Brother wants everyone to get together, only mom and dad are divorced and really don't want to spend the holiday together. So this year, brother invites us all over for christmas dinner only neglects to tell Mom that he invited Dad. Sister tells mom that he will be there. Mom now irratated and talks with brother.  He can't understand why they don't want to celebrate the holiday together.  I've always asked him if he wants to spend the day with his ex wife and his response is " that is different"  .   So now brother upset with mom that she won't come, sister upset that we won't be one big happy family on her birthday (the 25th) because the day really should revolve all around her (that is a whole other thread), mom upset because neither of them gets it.. Brother and sister both upset with me because I don't make effort to see Dad.  Mom upset because they are catering around Dad who never wanted to celebrate christmas with us kids growing up and now she feels "he gets" the holiday. 

So a week before christmas, I'm now having dinner at my house for us, my mom and maybe my MIL and FIL.  We've done this the last couple years and it's really my preference- so it works out. I'm waiting for my sister to invite herself over- because my food is better. 

And before anyone can say " they should put aside their difference for the sake of the children" (my brothers philosophy), I'm the youngest by a lot and I'm mid 40's. 

[The Captain]

I'll bring over several bottles of wine.

I absolutely hate holiday drama.

[NancysSummerSip]

Agile, I don't see much hope of anyone changing their minds or moving out of their respective corners.

Your parents clearly have not gotten along for awhile, and don't relish being in each others company.

Your sister is fixated on her birthday being about her, come hell, high water or anything else, and holds onto this one big happy family notion like it's stitched into a throw pillow she can pull out whenever and display it when it's convenient - for her.

Your brother's motives could be spite, could be subterfuge, could be the simple hope that just maybe once, for a change, mom and dad will agree to be civil. And I'm not suggesting your folks are not nice people. Just not with each other at this point, and that's their right.

I think you have the best solution - you do what works for you, and has worked for you. You invite who you want, and expect them to play nice at YOUR house. Those that can, will, and will be welcome. Those that can't, would be better off elsewhere.

[Tennesseer]

Agilemom-Tahiti is lovely this time of year.  Bon voyage!

[steff]

our drama queen isn't coming down this year 

[Abby Normal]

Don't get me wrong, my parents are civil to each other when they do have to get together, but it's not their preferred method to spend the holiday.  . They've been divorced for a long time. This isn't something new to anyone so I'm not sure why the siblings are trying to force the issue- other than their own convenience.  Dad lived out of state for a while, and it was much simpler then.



Tennesseer-  If I didn't have a younger kid who is still into christmas- I would do that in a heartbeat.  Maybe I need to bribe him next year. 

[Peace Of Mind]

Dec 18, 2013 17:08:29 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

It's the same thing we seem to go through every year.   Brother wants everyone to get together, only mom and dad are divorced and really don't want to spend the holiday together. So this year, brother invites us all over for christmas dinner only neglects to tell Mom that he invited Dad. Sister tells mom that he will be there. Mom now irratated and talks with brother.  He can't understand why they don't want to celebrate the holiday together.  I've always asked him if he wants to spend the day with his ex wife and his response is " that is different"  .   So now brother upset with mom that she won't come, sister upset that we won't be one big happy family on her birthday (the 25th) because the day really should revolve all around her (that is a whole other thread), mom upset because neither of them gets it.. Brother and sister both upset with me because I don't make effort to see Dad.  Mom upset because they are catering around Dad who never wanted to celebrate christmas with us kids growing up and now she feels "he gets" the holiday. 

So a week before christmas, I'm now having dinner at my house for us, my mom and maybe my MIL and FIL.  We've done this the last couple years and it's really my preference- so it works out. I'm waiting for my sister to invite herself over- because my food is better. 

And before anyone can say " they should put aside their difference for the sake of the children" (my brothers philosophy), I'm the youngest by a lot and I'm mid 40's. 

I've given this some thought and I'm on your and your mom's side that ex should not have been invited at the same time even if he's the dad.  She did all the work in the past for Christmas and he did nothing and she had the child on Christmas day.  He did nothing but the fun part.  Mom wins and should be able to relax and enjoy the holidays with you all now!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and I agree it would be the preference any way (if it was my family). 

My brother was/is a narcissist and control freak (didn't want mom's new BF there because HE didn't like him and other situations like that with his ex wife) and never bought gifts for others (not even a card for mom half the time) would show up empty handed with his kids and wife to collect their gifts and eat the food others brought on both major holidays.  So mom would make reservations at the Lakeside Inn at Mount Dora and we'd celebrate "out" so we didn't have to include him without the drama (mom wanted to see the grand kids now and then).  Or I'd just have them (mom and BF) over and not invite anybody else.  He ruined so many relationships and holidays it's disgusting and mom allowed it because I think she was scared of him and she needed his help with man things after dad passed.   Most people have since passed and we have no interaction with him any more and most likely never will again unless he gets a labotomy for Christmas.    Now holidays are peaceful and drama free! 

[Abby Normal]

I think the thing that gets me most is that over the years, they have  "penciled mom in" according to their schedules, but never make any real effort.   They would call her and say they will come visit her on christmas eve, and never ask what her plans were for christmas day because they had not planned on spending it with her. Or announce that they will be coming for christmas dinner to her house.  So I've been flexible on our plans every year because I will not let my mother (nor would I my father even though we are not close) be alone on christmas. That is just sad to me. I know she would love to spend some time on Christmas with them, so I try and be accommodating for her sake.  But I get tired of them "gracing us with their presence" 

When Dad moved back in the area, the siblings started offering to host, so they could invite both mom and dad.  They seem to think that mom should be ok with sharing "her" time with him and now don't like going to her house, because it excludes him.

[Tennesseer]

Dec 18, 2013 17:36:22 GMT -5 Abby Normal said:

Don't get me wrong, my parents are civil to each other when they do have to get together, but it's not their preferred method to spend the holiday.  . They've been divorced for a long time. This isn't something new to anyone so I'm not sure why the siblings are trying to force the issue- other than their own convenience.  Dad lived out of state for a while, and it was much simpler then.



Tennesseer-  If I didn't have a younger kid who is still into christmas- I would do that in a heartbeat.  Maybe I need to bribe him next year. 

Tell the younger kid, Santa's first stop is in Tahiti, and he has a special way of delivering presents.

[The Captain]

Soooo sorry for you and your mom that you have to go through this.  In my family every relative knows they have an open invitation to come over for any holiday (or whenever they wish) anytime.  I especially will not stand for my seniors being alone if I can help it.

I totally get where you are coming from.

[Abby Normal]

Dec 18, 2013 18:23:50 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Classic!