Peace Of Mind
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[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 16, 2013 15:28:30 GMT -5
Maybe the employee has a gambling problem, or a drinking problem or social anxiety... or he's just not that into you. I'm not following... I always thought it was an urban legend until I googled it.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 16, 2013 15:28:32 GMT -5
I am not the owner, just one of the main managers. I see it hurt him because people don't like to work with him due to his anti-social tendencies. So while he is good at what he does, a lot of people don't see it. I take it personally because I would like to see him succeed. But you all are right that if he's an introvert, just showing up to the party isn't going to make him bond with everyone, so I need to just get over it. I just suck at managing, is the main issue. Weird. You are taking a little personally for not being the owner. It's one of the things I'm best at!
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 16, 2013 15:29:30 GMT -5
Thanks for the input. I just need to move on and stop taking things personally. Sometimes I just need to be told that!
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Dec 16, 2013 15:31:18 GMT -5
A few thoughts:
Maybe, your ideas of success are different. I think, in most companies, managers pretty much have to be somewhat social - if this guy is very introverted and anti-social he probably doesn't aspire to that kind of success - of course, I'm not sure if that is the kind of success you are talking about.
Most everyone in the working world, knows the conventional wisdom that going to the company parties is good for your career - your heart was probably in the right place when you advised your employees of that.
No-show guy is aware of the risks of not showing and is willing for whatever reason to take that risk. In one sense the reason doesn't matter - if he was the networking type and had a so-called good reason for not attending he would have gone out of his way to tell you what it was. Since he hasn't shared a reason, you just need to let it go. And if in the end it does hurt his career - that's on him.
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Dec 16, 2013 15:31:31 GMT -5
Thanks for the input. I just need to move on and stop taking things personally. Sometimes I just need to be told that! Do you best, then let it go.
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xia
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Post by xia on Dec 16, 2013 15:43:13 GMT -5
Wow. You really shouldn’t take it personally, especially since you have no idea of what’s going on in his personal life. What if he has illness in family, financial/legal issues, whatever what’s really not making him feel like celebrating. Would you rather a depressed/sad person showed up because he feels obligated and basically unintentionally ruined other people’s moon? But you would be able to name a mental check next to his name as attendee. What if he is recovering gambler/alcoholic and doesn’t feel he’s ready to be around his past vices? What if he’s Jewish or some other religion which doesn’t care for Christmas? I sure hope my employer judges me on my work performance and not on how ready/willing I am to party.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 15:44:42 GMT -5
I sure hope my employer judges me on my work performance and not on how ready/willing I am to party. Employers typically take the whole package into consideration. If you think otherwise, you are kidding yourself.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 16, 2013 15:48:59 GMT -5
I sure hope my employer judges me on my work performance and not on how ready/willing I am to party. Employers typically take the whole package into consideration. If you think otherwise, you are kidding yourself. This is my whole point, and I'm not saying it's right. In an ideal world, everything would be based strictly on work performance. That isn't reality. I feel like I am doing my employees a disservice to pretend otherwise, especially since the final call on promotions/raises isn't mine. It's up to people who rarely see the benefits of their work, and only have my word and a few interactions to go on.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 15:52:08 GMT -5
Maybe he doesn't care? Not everyone wants to climb the ladder (I know YM sacrilege) or he could possibly be looking at jumping to another employer at a later date and you're company is just a stepping stone. Isn't the mantra on here the best way to move up is to job hop?
Maybe he has a significant other who's job is enough to support the household and his is just gravy so he doesn't care/worry about social relations with his co-workers.
There are lots of reasons he might not take your advice.
For example I know I'm going nowhere unless I get a PhD. Not saying networking doesn't help me, but it's not like I've killed my career if I don't attend a work Christmas party. I'm not going to announce that to everyone I work with, I'm just going to decline the invite.
At any rate I don't get taking it so personally. It's not up to you to personally control their career ship. You gave him a tip/advice he didn't use it. Whatever comes from that is on him and outside your control. No need to get irritated/pissed over it.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Dec 16, 2013 15:57:44 GMT -5
I would find a casino party very boring. I don't drink or gamble or enjoy watching others drink or gamble. So if most are drinking and gambling what is left for other to do? I used to work with a bunch that would drink every Friday night and would go socialize with them for a while but at least they were just chatting not gambling. Last year my family went to a casino for Thanksgiving so after dinner most gambled. I watched mom play slots for a while until she was ready to leave. My brother and his wife and kids were playing card games so you couldn't even talk to them. I took mom home and stayed with her until the others were home.
Parties tend to separate people more than bring them together. The drinkers and no drinkers tend to go to separate tables.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 16, 2013 16:00:50 GMT -5
At any rate I don't get taking it so personally. It's not up to you to personally control their career ship. You gave him a tip/advice he didn't use it. Whatever comes from that is on him and outside your control. No need to get irritated/pissed over it. I have admitted that I took it too personally. Sometimes I just need people to tell me I am being ridiculous (just ask my husband). But it is part of my job description to help staff manage their careers (I get rated on it each year), and he is asking me what he can do to advance his career, so it's not like it just came out of no where. I get there are people who don't want to mange others (I find myself in that boat more than I care to admit!), but he's not one of them. At least based on conversations he has had with me. At any rate, this whole thread was very therapeutic, and I don't feel annoyed anymore. So I guess mission accomplished?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 16, 2013 16:03:03 GMT -5
and he is asking me what he can do to advance his career, so it's not like it just came out of no where
It's on him then if he doesn't want to take your advice. You can give it but whether or not they take it is outside your control. That's the part you need to remember. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 16:03:40 GMT -5
and he is asking me what he can do to advance his career, so it's not like it just came out of no where
It's on him then if he doesn't want to take your advice. You can give it but whether or not they take it is outside your control. That's the part you need to remember. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 16, 2013 16:05:24 GMT -5
Part of the issue is that I feel like managing staff is a huge weakness of mine, so I'm incredible insecure about it. I need to figure that out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 16:08:08 GMT -5
everyone does understand that a casino night doesn't involve real money, right? and then at the end of the night you can usually cash in your chips for prized.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Dec 16, 2013 16:13:52 GMT -5
I'm horrible about attending my annual company party. I'm thankful work puts it on but I don't ask or expect them to. By the time the party is over most people don't even remember everyone they bump into and the week after I'll run into people who asked if I had a good time when I didn't attend. I like my co-workers and hang out with some of them sometimes after work but I don't enjoy going to a party with 200+ people, some of which is due to anxiety. Haven't had a problem with not attending yet as it hasn't seemed to hamper my career here. How I'm viewed along with my department is based on what we get done at work and if it's done so in a professional manner.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2013 16:43:31 GMT -5
Employers typically take the whole package into consideration. If you think otherwise, you are kidding yourself. This is my whole point, and I'm not saying it's right. In an ideal world, everything would be based strictly on work performance. That isn't reality. I feel like I am doing my employees a disservice to pretend otherwise, especially since the final call on promotions/raises isn't mine. It's up to people who rarely see the benefits of their work, and only have my word and a few interactions to go on. there are always some who dont enjoy going to company events questions arise 1. should i drink to be sociable 2. if i do, how much is acceptable 3. what topics of conversation are taboo 4. i am single...i dont want to go solo 5. i dont have anything nice to wear over my 25+ years in management.....i have heard i think just about everything what i tell my employees....it isnt a test.....enjoy yourself.....DONT GET DRUNK have a nice evening....dont worry if you arent wearing the latest fashion but even if it is a token appearance.....it matters just to say hello and thank you to the powers of the company
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 16, 2013 16:50:39 GMT -5
I am an extrovert, have excellent relationships with my co-workers, and, with the exception of the years I had to plan/staff the company holiday party, have not attended one in the last 13 years. Even when parties were held on company time, I usually volunteered to work during them. (I also skip baby showers for co-workers. I do attend unit potlucks, bringing something, but almost always end up back at my desk. I show up at retirement parties long enough to wish the retiree good luck and then head back.)
I simply don't find company parties to be enjoyable. I often found them to be a waste of time. The years when I had to be at the party because I was running it, I almost always ended up sitting and talking with the same people I would have talked with on a regular day. There was no networking. Everyone congregated in their normal little groups- staff with staff, managers with managers, production line people with production line people (further subdivided by which line they worked on), office people with office people, etc.
Right now, if there were an after hours party, I almost certainly would not come due to my commute. Getting home and back would take a few hours. C is an introvert and uncomfortable any time the group is larger than 6 total people or not made up of our close group of friends, so he would not want to attend with me (though he would if I asked). I could also get home and find out the sitter fell through, the kid or my +1 is sick, I may not feel well. I understand that I have RSVP'd, but I think you'd rather eat the cost of one extra meal than have me coughing on every one else's plate. I could have had a really bad day at work, an uncomfortable encounter with one specific coworker, or something else that makes me incredibly reluctant to turn around and go back after I've gotten home.
Whether or not I choose to attend is not a reflection on my boss. It is a reflection on me, and where my priorities are.
And yes, we all know casino night doesn't involve real money. But that doesn't make gambling any more fun for those of us who don't like it. (I lived in Reno for 12 years. Gambling of any sort bores me.) It also doesn't make it any better for someone who has a gambling problem, because it's about the risk/reward scenario, not what the specific reward is.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Dec 16, 2013 16:51:51 GMT -5
To somebody with a gambling problem it doesn't really matter. They're still gambling to win prizes. They get addicted to the rush of winning, not necessarily the money.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Dec 16, 2013 17:07:28 GMT -5
everyone does understand that a casino night doesn't involve real money, right? and then at the end of the night you can usually cash in your chips for prized. For people who have a gambling addiction, this is a moot point. OTOH, there are those who just do not find casinos a pleasurable activity. I've been to a couple and if I never go again, it'll not be missed at all.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Dec 16, 2013 17:11:28 GMT -5
We have people that wouldn't have come because it was a casino night. And those that don't celebrate holidays for religious reasons. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable sharing that with you? So he kind of plays it off like he didn't want to come, when in reality he felt like he couldn't and didn't feel like he could tell you that either. Kind of hard to tell the boss that their big awesome party is offensive to you.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 16, 2013 17:12:11 GMT -5
everyone does understand that a casino night doesn't involve real money, right? and then at the end of the night you can usually cash in your chips for prized. For people who have a gambling addiction, this is a moot point. OTOH, there are those who just do not find casinos a pleasurable activity. I've been to a couple and if I never go again, it'll not be missed at all. I'm with you on not enjoying gambling. One of the funniest memories I have from a several week assignment in Vegas was of a team of 10 of our consultants (doing a financial turnaround on a big company there), mostly CPAs and a few healthcare experts, at the Vegas airport waiting for a flight home. We'd had a few drinks and 2 more hours until the next flight. Someone piped up and said, "I know - let's go play the slot machines!" The other 9 turned and looked at him like he had grown a second head. But we all trooped over and dutifully stuck a buck into the machine. Two of us won some money and it took a while for anybody to even realize it. We gathered the money and wandered off after that single pull. Guess none of the money geeks got the appeal of gambling.
That being said, a few of the client company parties or charity fundraisers were gambling nights and I didn't have an issue gambling at those while socializing. It's not that I'm morally opposed to gambling, it's just not fun. But there are all sorts of "not fun" things we do at company functions, so it fits right in.
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