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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2013 18:59:23 GMT -5
This is what I told him and he broke down crying. I hate putting all the blame on him though, his Dad's house is a cluttered mess so I can see things getting sucked in there like a black hole, in fact, I'm thinking the problem is more with his Dad than anything, but I need my son to step up and help me out here. I can't afford to be replacing everything this often. He'd actually probably be happy if I told him he couldn't go on the camping trip. LOL I have to force him to go outside and do things. He's happy he went after he's back, but if I told him no camping, he wouldn't view it as a punishment. I don't think it matters. His dad isn't responsible for he things, he is. He's old enough to learn that lesson. I wouldn't feel guilty and you should follow through with the punishment. To an extent I agree, but some of it he really doesn't have much control over. For example, I know those long underwear went along on his last camping trip since I bought them special for it. Dad brought him back and kept all the clothes saying he was going to wash everything. I haven't seen them since. If Dad throws them into his own closet and it's not something we use everyday I can't really fault son for not being able to find them when he's only at his Dad's occasionally.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 12, 2013 19:30:59 GMT -5
Maybe Dad shouldn't be allowed to wash or keep his clothes then. Is your son tall enough that Dad may be taking some of his stuff for his own?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2013 19:48:24 GMT -5
The long underwear and the socks would fit him for sure, but I really don't think he'd purposefully steal them. We just came from his place and he had a bag of stuff that included some socks that he wasn't sure about. He said he thought they were his but they seemed kind of small. They were definitely DS's The ones I bought that were something like $8/pair. He had some long underwear in there for him too, but it was just an old pair of his that he said he could have. His Dad makes a lot of money (for this area anyhow) and losing a pair of socks here and there isn't quite the financial strain on him as it is me.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 13, 2013 8:56:53 GMT -5
My Mom used to knit yarn to form a string for our mittens. She's loop it up though the arms of our winter coats, though the hanger thingy at the neck and down the other arm. Find some sturdy string if you don't knit/crochet and do this with his gloves.
ETA - Mom used to knit us mittens too. She still does for the grandkids, which warms the cockles of my heart.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 13, 2013 9:30:03 GMT -5
I'd make a list of what DS brings to his dads house. The clothes on the list must be in it when he returns or the money to replace them. If his dads so rich, he can pay to replace what his son loses. Doesn't teach son a lesson but at least you aren't out the money. Or you can ask son what he thinks would help him remember these things?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 13, 2013 9:49:04 GMT -5
I am thinking asking your ex to send home dirty laundry with you would help things out, especially in addition to the basket for DS to coral his stuff at dads.
Your son is still learning how to organize and with dads house so chaotic that has to make it a lot harder.
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 13, 2013 10:37:20 GMT -5
Send your DS with a garbage bag and enough clothing he doesn't have to repeat. Every time he takes off a piece it goes in the garbage bag to bring home. Then it gets dumped straight into the washer at home. We do this on vacations. Great idea. Just a thought, but if this is wet stuff you might want to get one of those large mesh laundry bags to put it in or it will get stinky really fast. Don't ask me how I know this.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Dec 13, 2013 10:46:43 GMT -5
The long underwear and the socks would fit him for sure, but I really don't think he'd purposefully steal them. We just came from his place and he had a bag of stuff that included some socks that he wasn't sure about. He said he thought they were his but they seemed kind of small. They were definitely DS's The ones I bought that were something like $8/pair. He had some long underwear in there for him too, but it was just an old pair of his that he said he could have. His Dad makes a lot of money (for this area anyhow) and losing a pair of socks here and there isn't quite the financial strain on him as it is me. I think I would have handed them back to him and said they aren't DS's. he can either find the ones you bought DS or pay to replace them. I wouldn't say it meanly but simply make a calm statement. Your son is your child your Ex isn't. The Ex can choose to be the adult and keep DS's stuff where he can find them or pay to replace them, but I wouldn't be made to play mommy to the Ex and pay to replace stuff the supposed adult lost. Then again I have been told here more than once I'm not a nice person.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2013 11:35:09 GMT -5
I bought him new long underwear (tops and bottoms) and a new hat today. Only I got the cheapos this time.
I don't want to start a war with the ex over socks. It's annoying as all hell that he's so disorganized, but he's also incredibly skilled at darn near everything and is the first person to show up when my car won't start or the furnace quits. I kind of want to stay on the free handyman's good side! LOL
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 13, 2013 11:38:36 GMT -5
I wouldn't start a war but I wouldn't let him keep losing the kid's stuff either if he's the one doing it. Just say nicely, "hey if you do find those long underwear of his, he needs them back. I can't afford to keep replacing them, they cost too much. Thanks!" And smile like you mean it.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Dec 13, 2013 12:04:58 GMT -5
I bought him new long underwear (tops and bottoms) and a new hat today. Only I got the cheapos this time. I don't want to start a war with the ex over socks. It's annoying as all hell that he's so disorganized, but he's also incredibly skilled at darn near everything and is the first person to show up when my car won't start or the furnace quits. I kind of want to stay on the free handyman's good side! LOL I wouldn't go to war but if you don't say anything he may not even realize what it really cost you to replace them and how big a chunk of your income. He may not be the one buying these things ever. So he may not realize a pair of socks really costs $8 or long johns $50 or good gloves $25. I would say it with a joke but I would say it and make the point that that is 20% of my weekly take home salary or whatever is close to make the point that the $50 bucks is a big deal to me. My beloved pain in the ass wouldn't know how much a pair of underwear or a roll of toilet paper should cost if his life depended on it. Still doesn't stop him from complaining when he hears I spent $200 on the kids clothes or shoes.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2013 12:15:04 GMT -5
I know it shouldn't, but I'm uncomfortable with complaining to the ex about having to spend on DS. He pays a lot of child support (like more than the court would make him pay) and hasn't been late once in 9 years. That's another boat I don't want to rock.
Like I said, it's annoying as all get out, but in the grand scheme of things not a big deal.
I did send him an email today though telling him the items I replaced and asking if he could keep an eye out for the other ones.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 13, 2013 12:29:08 GMT -5
No offense MPL, but maybe pushing it just a little wouldn't kill you. Don't go on an all out rant, just say they cost too much to continually replace, if you don't want to say you can't afford to replace them. He wouldn't want to keep replacing a $50 hammer would he? Or his socket set? Anyway, glad you did let him know that you ARE still looking for the lost stuff and haven't written it off. Good for you.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 13, 2013 12:38:37 GMT -5
Well, it sounds like you need to work out a system where your boy can keep track of his stuff while staying at his Dad's. If his Dad is in fact not washing the clothes and losing them instead, then you shouldn't have Dad washing them in the first place.
HOWEVER, I would still try not to use his Dad as too much of an excuse. I would be careful about sending the message to your boy that it's all his Dad's fault and it's his Dad's responsibility to keep track of his things (and by extension you).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 13, 2013 12:42:12 GMT -5
If he is like a normal guy, this went in one ear and out the other. The onus needs to be on her son who is old enough to keep track of his stuff or deal with the consequences. Why don't you just buy some crap you don't care about and leave it at his dads house? He goes with an outfit on you don't care about, either, and nothing that if lost, you give two hoots about. For some people, having to wear used clothes is a great reminder about carelessness.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2013 12:56:43 GMT -5
There's not a real schedule for going to Dad's. He's in town near school, both our jobs, and scout meetings and I'm out in the country, so DS often ends up there for short periods because it's convenient for us. I mean, I can drop off a hat and gloves there, but that won't stop him from losing the one he was wearing when I sent him to school in the morning because he went to Dad's afterwards rather than taking the bus home due to a doctor appointment or something. The stuff I bought for him today is for a camping trip he's going on with the scouts (no Dad), but he could very well be the one who picks him up on Sunday and might just take all his clothes and throw them in the washer at his house.
I agree with those that said it really just needs to get pushed back to DS and I have to figure out ways to help him with that. The basket (or bag) and the list ideas are good.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 13, 2013 13:43:51 GMT -5
11 is old enough to keep up with his stuff, but his Dad still needs to know there's a new system. If the status quo is "I'll wash them and get them back to you whenever" it may not go over well when his 11 year old starts demanding to have it all back before he leaves. However you want to spin it to him, Dad still needs to know there's a new system in place.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Dec 13, 2013 15:39:15 GMT -5
11 is old enough to keep up with his stuff, but his Dad still needs to know there's a new system. If the status quo is "I'll wash them and get them back to you whenever" it may not go over well when his 11 year old starts demanding to have it all back before he leaves. However you want to spin it to him, Dad still needs to know there's a new system in place. You do need to inform his Dad that there will be changes to the routine. I can understand you don't want to piss off his Dad, but you can inform him of the problem and your proposed solutions. I don't think it would be unreasonable at all to mention "junior has a problem with losing his stuff, so I'll be sending him over with a list and a basket. Can you please help keep Junior on track with the system."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2013 18:21:19 GMT -5
Interesting turn of events tonight. I dropped him off at his Dad's with all his camping stuff and went home. DS had assured me he didn't need the boots I'd brought because he had a pair at Dad's. His Dad had told me the same thing earlier today. Well, I get home and am unloading the van of all the school stuff and notice I have TWO pairs of boots in the van. Damn. I figure I'm going to have to make yet another trip to town (15 miles) to bring him boots. Call his Dad and he runs home from work and sure enough, he has boots. So...somehow, we've gained a pair.
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ginpin
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Post by ginpin on Dec 15, 2013 9:11:35 GMT -5
Maybe this has been said, but why not just have a 'duplicate' set over at Dad's? This way the stuff is already there, and the onus is on both your son and his dad to find whatever it is that is missing. I understand that it isn't always practical, but this is what has worked for me over the years.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 9:36:21 GMT -5
My kids are 12 and 15... Their friends are 11-16 mostly. When kids are here, I routinely offer multiple warnings... Put your stuff where you can find it... We are leaving in... (30...15..5..) get ALL of your stuff together....
Last time I had a pair of jeans, a pair of socks a dmi cable and a ps2 controller left behind...
Actually, it's all ages, including parents... Last game night I had a sock, a pair of costume superman gloves and a sippy cup...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 10:13:07 GMT -5
LOL A sock? How do you forget a sock at game night? Were they totally wasted when they left?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 10:23:48 GMT -5
It was a 3/4 year old's sock... I have no idea how he got home with one?
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 15, 2013 10:33:53 GMT -5
It was a 3/4 year old's sock... I have no idea how he got home with one? Oh, I have an idea. But then again, with two boys, I can even understand how a kid can get home with a single shoe.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 10:41:31 GMT -5
There is a glass pie plate in my cupboard that got left behind one Art Day... I tried for months to find its owner (well, it's not like it consumed all my time or anything...) But no one claimed it... Single shoe huh. I guess I'm one to talk. My daughter went through a phase where we would get somewhere in the car only to find out she had no shoes on? ... I finally bought a really, really ugly pair of sneakers to keep in the car, so if she didn't bring shoes she got to wear them .... (This phase did not coincide with winter...)
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Dec 15, 2013 11:42:20 GMT -5
I still have a laundry basket in the back of my SUV with stuff kids left at soccer this fall. As the coach I was always the last one leaving and normally it was with me screaming who left their hoodie, water bottle, shin gaurd ect. I would faithfully bring them out the next game or practice and most of it no one would ever admit to owning. I still have to wonder about the one shin gaurd though. Those things go on UNDER the soccer socks and most go under the foot in the cleats. How the heck do you have one accidentally fall off during a game or practice?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Dec 16, 2013 14:19:53 GMT -5
get the Asian wife to start knitting him some replacement hats and gloves. She is so useless. I can't even hate her anymore. That would require I feel some kind of jealousy, but she seems completely incapable of doing anything for herself. Seriously, all she does is sit around and watch tv. She doesn't even get out of her pajamas anymore. The house is a mess, toys and clothes laying all over, dishes piled in the sink. She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't even have any hobbies. Your ex is married to my SIL?
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