Friend's husband

[Happy prose]

Is it bad I want to run him over with a car? He's forcing her to retire because she's spending too much time with her 92 yr old dad and not home enough. She visits her dad on Thursadays and Sundays. Husband is also zero help to her with her parents. This is the same girl who hides when she eats ice cream or chips because he doesn't want her getting fat.

Of course I can't say to her what I really want, but I did try to explain that the dad situation is temporary. I wanted to say your old decrepid husband might be dead in a year himself. She really likes her job and had no intentions of leaving. The job IS her social life. She has come in many a Mondays saying she couldn't wait to come to work. Her husband talks non stop, and the few times I was in his company, it's all about himself. He has most people convinced he's wonderful.

That's it for my rant. I won't really run him over other than in my dreams!

[thyme4change]

I thought for a minute you might be describing a couple I know, but then I remembered - she works weekends.

[Jake 48]

He sounds like a controlling asshole, wants to be the center of attention, doesn't want the competition from the dad. Run him over

[mollyanna58]

Put a few reindeer hoofs on your tires; everyone will think Santa did it.

[NoNamePerson]

Hey, the pEEps from EE can call up a road trip. I'm sure our bus can make a side trip and run him over, put him in a freezer never to be found again.

I agree he sounds like a control freak. I bet he sits in a recliner all day with his thumb up his butt. I so want to say kick him to the curb but I have a feeling this isn't going to happen - just guessing at her age given her dad is 92.... 

[Happy prose]

I think a post disappeared! Anyway, she is 56 and he is 74 or 75. She married him when she was 38; first and only husband. He was previously married with 3 grown kids. Once years ago she expressed interest in going to one of our after hours retirement parties for a co-worker. In a kiddlingly manor he told her SHE would have to pack her bags. 

[Happy prose]

She only tells these stories to me, but tells them like it's normal. "I had to run to the store to replace a bag of Doritos because I didn't want Bob to know i ate them." Is she trying to convince herself this is normal?

[NoNamePerson]

Wow. I had her age figured more closely to 70 but then I forget that not everyone stoppped at one child  No way she should quit her job. I can only feel for someone that is so browbeaten that they don't think they can make it on their own. What a shame. Worse yet, you really can't say anything because she probably won't listen and then it causes a riff between the two of you.

ETA: Yes she thinks this is normal..

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2013 9:02:56 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

 I can only feel for someone that is so browbeaten that they don't think they can make it on their own. What a shame.

Well,that's a good way to put it!

[busymom]

I second the vote for the EE freezer!  Grab them car keys. 


I am not that shy.  I WOULD give her my opinion that her DH is being a controlling jerk.  And, if he tossed her out just for visiting her dad, & holding down a job, it might be the best thing that ever happened to her.

[Bonny]

I would take a different approach. Is there a business reason for her to keep working? Meaning is she going to get a pension or is she making real money and saving? I assume he's retired?

If there's a real business reason for her to be working, I'd be pretty blunt and point out that since he's about 20 years her senior, that she's going to need to take care of herself long after he's kicked the bucket.

But if they are well-off then he may have a point; e.g. she's never around. She needs to put on her big girl panties and be honest with herself, that she doesn't want to be around him all the time and find a social group she enjoys.

I know it's not easy. My husband has some similar issues and his recent retirement and being home nearly 24/7 has been challenging at times.

[Happy prose]

She just reached her time for full pension and benefits. He has been retired with pension, but his benefits die with him. She will get (when he dies) a widowers pension which is half his last years salary for the rest of her life. Her pension from our job is about half of pay. Money is not an issue. She really just has no life outside of work. She never had kids. And we do have a good time at work. She really didn't plan on leaving. Part of this is selfish on my part because I'll miss her like crazy, but I am really concerned she will be miserable. And there's no coming back on my job. She's not one to reinvent herself either.

[Sharon]

If he is that controlling who is to say that he doesn't leave everything to his grown children and she ends up with nothing.

[kilroy]

He sounds like my DH (and we have an even bigger age difference).  I'll loan her a car.

[Nazgul Girl]

   I've written things like this before, but I tend to stay out of others' marital issues.   Unless their is actual abuse going on, I don't tend to get involved.   Sometimes, people just like to bitch about their spouses.   The martyr role is attractive to some people.   Just taking a different viewpoint on this one.  

[gacpa]

Sounds like some family members of mine.  Is there any way she would ever consider leaving him or telling him no way she is quitting?  Is she so submissive she will do whatever he says she must do?

If she loves her job, quitting will be a big mistake.  Trust me, the hubby will just find other ways to control her once she retires.  He will never stop his behavior.  Seen it before, I know the drill.  She has to assert herself.

[Happy prose]

Dec 7, 2013 11:12:30 GMT -5 Sharon said:

If he is that controlling who is to say that he doesn't leave everything to his grown children and she ends up with nothing.

She's getting the house and the children get the cash. They did hide some for her though, but I don't know how much. The house is nice; she'll sell it and get smaller house or condo. Plus the widower's pension. He retired 17 yrs ago and was making a little over $100k, so she gets half of that every year plus her own pension. He worked for the same agency we do, that's how they met.

[Happy prose]

Dec 7, 2013 11:16:17 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   I've written things like this before, but I tend to stay out of others' marital issues.   Unless their is actual abuse going on, I don't tend to get involved.   Sometimes, people just like to bitch about their spouses.   The martyr role is attractive to some people.   Just taking a different viewpoint on this one.  

That's why I don't say anything bad. My luck he'll die a day later and I'll feel like a heel. She doesn't really bitch about him though. She almost puts him on a pedistal. Occasionally she'l joke that she couldn't wait to get away from him.

[Happy prose]

Dec 7, 2013 11:17:17 GMT -5 gacpa said:

Sounds like some family members of mine.  Is there any way she would ever consider leaving him or telling him no way she is quitting?  Is she so submissive she will do whatever he says she must do?

If she loves her job, quitting will be a big mistake.  Trust me, the hubby will just find other ways to control her once she retires.  He will never stop his behavior.  Seen it before, I know the drill.  She has to assert herself.

OMG she would never leave him. I think she thinks he's a catch! I don't see her ever taking a stand. I don't think she thinks he's wrong. 

[Deleted]

I like the EE bus idea but the body can't disappear. She will need it to get the insurance and widow's pension.

[swamp]

Dec 7, 2013 11:16:17 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   I've written things like this before, but I tend to stay out of others' marital issues.   Unless their is actual abuse going on, I don't tend to get involved.   Sometimes, people just like to bitch about their spouses.   The martyr role is attractive to some people.   Just taking a different viewpoint on this one.  

Telling a spouse they have to leave if they go to a work party is abuse

[Happy prose]

Why is no one mentioning the fact that she hides when she eats junk food? I find that the most telling of all. She doesn't have a weight problem.

[Nazgul Girl]

Dec 7, 2013 12:21:36 GMT -5 swamp said:

Dec 7, 2013 11:16:17 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   I've written things like this before, but I tend to stay out of others' marital issues.   Unless their is actual abuse going on, I don't tend to get involved.   Sometimes, people just like to bitch about their spouses.   The martyr role is attractive to some people.   Just taking a different viewpoint on this one.  

Telling a spouse they have to leave if they go to a work party is abuse

   Yes, it's a form of abuse, but she's in a self-chosen prison.   All she has to do is get in her car and go.   She's chosen to let him boss her around.   It's not really the same is physical or extreme verbal abuse.   She has choices too, and she needs to be making the right ones for herself.   I don't feel too sorry for her based on the original post. 

[Deleted]

Dec 7, 2013 13:01:42 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

Why is no one mentioning the fact that she hides when she eats junk food? I find that the most telling of all. She doesn't have a weight problem.

It's all a package. He's an ass. But she stays. I hate that.

[cronewitch]

She should call his bluff with things like her going to a retirement party means she has to leave the marriage. But she won't she is staying married. Divorce is expensive she would lose his pension and maybe the house and it is messy when she has a 92 year old father to worry about.

Arsenic probably isn't too expensive and may not taste bad in his morning oatmeal but may be illegal. What isn't illegal is giving him a heart attack killing him by fork. Salads with toppings, with rich dressings had tons of fat and calories yet look healthy. Deep fried foods and meats with sauces. Saturated fats and transfats and lots of sodium in snacks. Learn to add more salt to food so he gets used to the added salt. She can make her salads with no toppings and diet dressings and broil her food and leave off sauces because she doesn't like them. It might take a while but he may not see 80.

He may not be as bad as she makes him out to be. He might just think they don't need the money for her to work so she should be making dinner not money and want her home because he loves her. She might just be complaining when he was just kidding about not doing whatever she pleases. There must be some reason she married him and stayed married

[NoNamePerson]

Dec 7, 2013 12:17:30 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I like the EE bus idea but the body can't disappear. She will need it to get the insurance and widow's pension.

You've got a point about the body. Anyone for a Weekend at Bernies  

[tloonya]

Dec 7, 2013 7:23:14 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

That's it for my rant. I won't really run him over other than in my dreams!

I just had an affair with my frind's husband in my dream...but we had decided not to proceed any further.
I can't cheat even in my dream!!! How pathetic IS that?

[Happy prose]

Always knew you were a good woman Loony

[Happy prose]

Crone...I see you've put a lot of thought in this. Doesn't fit my friend though. She's a true girl scout until the day she dies. 

[Happy prose]

Dec 7, 2013 17:22:58 GMT -5 CCL said:

How long have they been married? 17+ yrs?

Yes, could be closer to 19 yrs now that I think.