I Don't Want To Hear It!

[Deleted]

How do I stop people from telling me their problems without seeming rude? Seriously. I guess I'm a "good listener" because people tell me their problems all the time. Casual aquaintances have surprised me by venting about their relationships or problems out of the blue, when we've never had a personal or serious conversation before. Random strangers start telling me all their business while we're waiting at a doctor's office or whatever, when all I've done is say "hi" and smiled. Normally I don't mind much, but right now I have too much going on in my own life.

We've had two coworkers die from cancer in the past month. A coworker that I work with every day is upset because her Mom has cancer that's spread through her body and she had to be revived last week. Another coworker that I work with every day has been upset all week because her Grandmother was dying. She died yesterday morning. I'm upset because my Grandma died last December and I've spent all the time since her funeral just refusing to think about the fact that she's gone. Now I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

My kids have problems. My Mom has problems. None of them are lightweight/just a bad day problems. My only auntie was in the hospital last week with a newly discovered heart problem. I do want to stay updated on my Aunt's health, but other than that or a real emergency with my family, I don't really want to hear about anybody's problems right now. I don't want to hear any bad news or sad/crazy stories and I get at least one EVERY day, usually from somebody I care about. I just don't feel up to standing strong for everyone else right now, I have enough issues of my own.

I don't even know how to politely stop a stranger from telling me sad stories, I really don't know how to do it with people I know and care about. What to do? What to say?

[zibazinski]

Do you have an iPod? With ear buds? Failing that, have a book on hand and get engrossed in it. It stops some people in the office or places like that. I got stuck next to a yammerer on the plane and even faking sleepiness didnt shut them up. Unreal. They just kept jabbering away at who knows who because my eyes were closed and I wasn't responding at all. Of course I couldn't really go to sleep because that asswipe wouldn't shut up for even 5 minutes! Unless you are at the point of being rude, which you're not, that's seems to be the politest way of a handling unwanted intrusions. I don't know why random people spill their guts, I guess because they need to tell someone and have no friends? But I, too, have been the recipient of some really bizarre stories.

[Peace Of Mind]

When your kids were little and said Mom.  Mom.  Mom. Mom... did you learn to tune them out?  That is my suggestion.  They aren't looking for a solution.  They are venting or talking it out and you are the closest person to them during this need (and are probably pretty quiet so they can just unload on you). 

The only suggestion from tuning it out is to say "I know exactly how you feel.  I'm going through (or have gone through) the same thing.  You have my sympathies."

I was going to tease you and say "I don't want to hear it!" but realized you needed somebody to listen to you.  So I tuned you out. 

[Opti]

Perhaps you should practice being rude to strangers and you'll come up
with a way you can live with that basically says 'I'm sorry to hear
about your troubles, but I'm too overwhelmed to listen today. Thanks."


If you give up the desire to guarantee you won't be impolite, you
might got come up with some ideas.

[Deleted]

LOL POM! Thanks for listening to me.

I guess I'm a sucker. I can't be abrupt or rude with someone that's obviously sad or whatever.

A couple months ago, some woman at a doctor's office told me all about her cancer, showed me a thousand pictures of her kids and talked my ear off. I was my version of rude with her, hoping she'd see I wasn't interested. I didn't say much and kept looking at my kindle, hoping she'd get the hint. I was so happy when they called me to the back! Then, when I was setting another appointment with the receptionist, she showed up again and was talking to me while I was trying to talk to the receptionist. Then she followed me out into the hallway and told me she was going to the restroom and she'd be right back. Like I was suppose to wait on her. I just about jogged to my car and hoped like hell she didn't come out of the building before I got off the parking lot. I usually don't mind talking to strangers, but she was a bit much!

[zibazinski]

I feel bad for people who for some reason, either loneliness or nervousness, can't shut up, period. They don't realize how annoying they are and no one wants to tell them. I'm a terrible flier but I stay quiet, cringe, and squeeze the hell out of my armrest. I don't annoy some stuck neighbor who is trapped in the sardine can with me. As far as dr. Appts, yesterday was my mammo. Because of certain reasons, I bypass the first one and go straight to diagnostic. Which is where those that fail the first one go. So no one is happy there. . I told DF I felt like "selection" in the camps when I go there because it feels like a death sentence. If you go to the left, you get to leave and you live for another year. If they call you to the right, they take you into a private area and everyone knows it isn't good news.  Another woman and I watched the woman on my left side go into the private room. We looked at each other with fear and knowledge in our eyes. We said nothing to each other. There was nothing to say.

[NancysSummerSip]

Aw, Pink, I hear ya. Really, I'm not tuning you out. I hate playing nice in the "good listener" sandbox sometimes. I've learned to simply get up and leave, if possible. Or pretend I "hear" my cellphone ringing or buzzing with an important call. Or tell them "I gotta run, got an important appointment with the septic tank cleaner dude."

You get my point.

A lot of it stems from times when no one wanted to listen to me when my mother was sick, I guess. And I mean, no one. Not friends, not family, not medical personnel around her. I learned not to say anything, because truthfully, no one really wants to hear how you are when they ask the proverbial general question, "Hey how ya doin'?"

When it's someone I know, I set limits, in terms of time or information divulged. When my limits are reached, I'm done.
When it's a stranger, the walls are already up, so to speak. As soon as my "spidey sense" is activated by the amount or type of information divulged, I will cut off the speaker, either by diversion (changing the subject to something else totally different) or excuse myself, even if I have to make up a reason.

I don't think it's rude to do either one. You did not ask to be a recipient of their pain, misery, life story, etc.

[raeoflyte]

With your kids Pink, can you call them and just let them know that the holidays are hitting you really hard this year.  Thinking about your aunt who passed, and your aunt who is sick has you worried.  Your kids are still in that age of being wholly self centered and I'm betting they will grow out of it.  This might give them a reminder that they need to ask how you are even when they are dealing with their crisis of the day. 

I once told my dh that I was staying in therapy because it was the only time in my entire life that I could sit and just talk about myself for an hour.  Sure I had to pay someone to listen to me, but it still felt nice to have someone "care".  

[Deleted]

Odd ball here, I guess, but I don't mind hearing peoples problems. I feel that by venting to me, it takes the load off of their shoulders and sometimes I can come up with a solution, which makes me feel really good.

[mollyanna58]

Maybe you need to develop a "bitchy resting face" so that no one feels like approaching you. 

[Deleted]

There have been times I just stopped talking to my Mom for a while when it got to be too much. I don't like doing that, but it seems to be the only way to get her to understand I'm serious about not engaging in a bunch of drama.

I'm less concerned today with how other people will feel if I'm not Ms. Fix-It for a while.

Rae, yes my children are still self-centered, especially my daughter. Even though I'd told her I had a long day and I was exhausted, she was shocked last night that I preferred to relax and watch tv instead of helping her figure out one of her dilemmas.

lone, I don't think you're an oddball. I usually feel the same way, but not when I'm trying to deal with a lot of my own stuff.

Thanks you all. I'll get it together.

[mmhmm]

Dec 2, 2013 19:41:47 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

How do I stop people from telling me their problems without seeming rude? Seriously. I guess I'm a "good listener" because people tell me their problems all the time. Casual aquaintances have surprised me by venting about their relationships or problems out of the blue, when we've never had a personal or serious conversation before. Random strangers start telling me all their business while we're waiting at a doctor's office or whatever, when all I've done is say "hi" and smiled. Normally I don't mind much, but right now I have too much going on in my own life.

We've had two coworkers die from cancer in the past month. A coworker that I work with every day is upset because her Mom has cancer that's spread through her body and she had to be revived last week. Another coworker that I work with every day has been upset all week because her Grandmother was dying. She died yesterday morning. I'm upset because my Grandma died last December and I've spent all the time since her funeral just refusing to think about the fact that she's gone. Now I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

My kids have problems. My Mom has problems. None of them are lightweight/just a bad day problems. My only auntie was in the hospital last week with a newly discovered heart problem. I do want to stay updated on my Aunt's health, but other than that or a real emergency with my family, I don't really want to hear about anybody's problems right now. I don't want to hear any bad news or sad/crazy stories and I get at least one EVERY day, usually from somebody I care about. I just don't feel up to standing strong for everyone else right now, I have enough issues of my own.

I don't even know how to politely stop a stranger from telling me sad stories, I really don't know how to do it with people I know and care about. What to do? What to say?

For strangers in public places, like doctor's offices:  Sit in an end, or corner chair.  That way, there's only one seat next to you.  Put your purse in that one (unless the office is packed).  Do not make eye contact, do not say "hi", and do not smile.  Combined, those things send the message to leave you alone.  Usually, it works.

For family, I try to be honest.  If somebody starts babbling, I'll tell them as nicely as possible I just can't hear it right now.  I'm up to my elbows in alligators of my own, and I'm fighting for my life.  Let's discuss it at lunch one day.

At work, you can modify the method for family by just telling the babbler you're pretty busy and very preoccupied at the moment.  Tell them you're sorry they're having difficulties and hope things get better for them quickly.  Then, get busy.