Is my family wrong for not feeling grief?

[nogooddeed]

A cousin OD'ed over the weekend.  Long, long time drug user.  She and I had been so close as kids, but I've come to terms that we couldn't be close as adults.  Family had limited contact with her due to the drug use.  She only seemed to want contact when she needed money or needed to steal something to pawn/trade for drugs.  Divorced and the husband and stepmom have done an amazing job with the kids, made sure they have visits with the family, continued to include the family in events, etc.  Heck, all of them will be with us next week for Thanksgiving.

Everyone in the family has been expecting the call for years.  For me, it seems almost a relief that it's over.  That the kids don't have to deal with their mom in the coming years, that her parents don't have to worry about her anymore.  Her parents, though sad, are not racked with grief.  My aunt told me that they had already grieved for what she had become/chosen for her life.  Yes, there were numerous times in rehab financed by the family.  We tried, but it just didn't work.

The funeral will be small and private.  Is this normal for a family that's been through this type of experience?

[Sam_2.0]

I am so sorry for your loss

I would say this is similar to what I've seen for other families dealing with a serious, prolonged illness. Cancer, addiction, alzheimers, they all are horrible to watch someone waste away. It is normal to feel a sense of relief that your loved one is no longer in pain. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. I hope your family finds comfort and peace now.

[Deleted]

Most have already probably processed their grief because in a way she has been lost/gone for a long time. There may be moments of grief later. Yes, I think it is normal.

[Cookies Galore]

I agree with Sam. It's been horrible watching my FIL wither away (ALS), but the grieving process happens while the person is alive. Your family probably already grieved for the person she used to be.

[alabamagal]

I think a small private funeral is very appropriate for this situation.  I think it is totally ok to grieve for the person and what could have been.

[Phoenix84]

No, I don't think it's wrong.  As your aunt said, her parents and other family members grieved for her loss long before she actually died.  Such feelings are not uncommon for those who have a family member with a long lasting debilitating illness, like cancer or alzheimer's.

[greeniis10]

I agree with the other posters: yes, it is normal; no, it is not wrong.

It IS actually a relief because you just don't know how much worse their condition or behavior will become in the future and everyone is affected by it.  I'm sorry for your loss, though.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 19, 2013 11:21:19 GMT -5 oped said:

Most have already probably processed their grief because in a way she has been lost/gone for a long time. There may be moments of grief later. Yes, I think it is normal.

[Deleted]

Absolutely- I've seen it on 2 fronts. My Ex died of alcohol abuse and he'd been on the streets for years. At least he ended up in FL- when he was still in NJ I'd wonder every once in awhile on a cold winter night where he was sleeping. I'm sure his sister did, too. He made a lot of people miserable but he hurt himself more than anyone and we hope he's at peace now. DS got through it really well, but he's got a spectacular stepfather (DH) and a lot of support from his church community.

A cousin committed suicide when his drug habit got the best of him- another case where it was almost a relief because we didn't have to aorry about him anymore and could hope he had some peace now.

When someone's life has been that miserable, for whatever reason, you don't really mourn when it's over.

[Sunnyday]

Nov 19, 2013 11:22:38 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

My aunt was a long time drug/alcohol addict who was transferred from jail to the hospital when her liver started to fail.  She died there about a week after the transfer. It wasn't unexpected given her lifestyle.

I find that I grieve her more now than I did initially.  At first it was just a relief.  Now that she's been gone awhile I find that it's the good memories that float to the surface and that makes me sadder.  That I remember how close we were when I was a kid, how kind she was, how much she needed to be loved. In some ways it's more painful now because I cut off contact with her in her last years of life and I wish I could have that time back.  Just to have had lunch with her, or invited her to our wedding. It helps that I was with her when she died - the only person in fact.

Her parents seemed to take it well at first too - with grace and acceptance.  About a year later you could really see how much it was affecting them.  They were older though - in their 80's - and losing a child really aged them overnight in a profound way.

Yeah, that! I've lived this, and you don't feel much at first because you became inured to the pain caused by their addiction or illness. Your grief really becomes dormant, a suspended state of grief if you will, because you have to protect yourself against the pain. And then when the person dies, it might take a while, for me it was well over a year, but you will eventually start mourning, because the self defense mechanisms start wearing off. And then you might actually surprise yourself by the depth of your grief or maybe not.

[cronewitch]

Sometimes it is a relief not having to worry about them anymore even if they are just special needs not addicts. My uncle was special, not sure his problem but he worked and drove a car. He was killed in a car accident from a drunk driver. His mother was in her 90's and people were afraid she would be upset when she was told. When they told her she said "Good" I think she was relieved not to have to worry about him after she was gone, not that she wanted him dead.

[Miss Tequila]

Nov 19, 2013 11:21:19 GMT -5 oped said:

Most have already probably processed their grief because in a way she has been lost/gone for a long time. There may be moments of grief later. Yes, I think it is normal.

This was going to be my answer.  My guess is that they grieved over the daughter they lost years ago. 

[bobosensei]

My family will likely be facing this with my brother.  He has not hit rock bottom yet, but it is coming now that my mom is dead.

It is sad sometimes.  I think of him when we were kids like 4 and 6, and it is so sad for me to see my friends with functional relationships with their brothers because I never had that.

My vote will be for cremation and no public memorial.  We might spread some ashes at my parents graves, and who knows what to do with the rest.  If the extended family or his friends have an issue then they can pay for something different.  He has 2 kids and is legally still married to someone that he hasn't lived with or spoken to in like 8 or 9 years.  Their kids are in the custody of her aunt, and that is sad, but honestly might be better for them if he is dead.

Maybe you can feel better that my brother is still alive and I know where his ashes are going...

[Tennesseer]

Nov 19, 2013 11:19:48 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I am so sorry for your loss

I would say this is similar to what I've seen for other families dealing with a serious, prolonged illness. Cancer, addiction, alzheimers, they all are horrible to watch someone waste away. It is normal to feel a sense of relief that your loved one is no longer in pain. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes. I hope your family finds comfort and peace now.

I greived for my mother's mental passing (Alzheimer's).  I welcomed her physical death.  She was finally free.

[zibazinski]