List City?

[Works4me]

I am finally well enough to begin fixing up my father's place. He is doing well at the care facility and it is time.

Pulled carpets in living room and his room, now office guest room, due to smoking and other smells. Need to strip popcorn ceiling as easiest/cheapest way to deal with his smoking 1-2 packs per day of non-filtered cigarettes for over 5 years. Got rid of 20 plus year old upholstered furniture that mom bought new in 1990 right before she died. Etc., etc., etc., .....

My point here is it is a minefield of emotional issues combined with my continuing lupus recovery that make this difficult to do at any time.

I find myself making lists of everything, almost compulsively. It is as if I can't control anything else, I can at least make lists to manage this almost unmanageable project.

Any advice from anyone who has been here. or even emotionally, been here? Have I lost my mind to even try this? Thankfully I do not work and can within reason afford to do this. Not Dom Perignon, but not cheap beer either.  

[Jaguar]

Hon I just wish you all the best. busymom , has been cleaning out her mom's house for a while.

[busymom]

Sarah, first of all, <HUGS>.  As Sugi mentioned, I've been working on my parent's house for quite awhile.  I've got no one to help, and my parents saved just about EVERYTHING, so it's been going slowly.  However, when I look back at where the house was when I started, there's been a lot of progress made.  My parents even had the rafters packed in the house AND garage, & a 2-sided attic stuffed full.  You could not walk from one side of the basement to the other, nor could you on the top floor.  (The house has 3 floors.)  Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, just do as much as you're able when you can get over there.  AND, hire help for the stuff that's more than you can manage.  (There's a lot of companies now that haul junk that will carry stuff out of the house.  Some handyman services will do this too.)  Just remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.  (My cousins are from a large family, and it took all of them 10 years to finish their folk's house.  I'm on year #2.)


Regarding the memories you'll come across:  keep just a few items for memories, and take pictures of the other things you remember well before you sell, donate, or throw them away.  I've kept all of the family pictures for now, a lot of family correspondence, & a lot of Mom's cookbooks.  Haven't really had time to go thru them, but it may help you to purchase some large boxes or tote boxes as you sort through everything.


Best wishes to you, & feel free to PM me anytime. 

[Sharon]

I helped my Mom clean out her Aunt and Uncles home.  She inherited the contents of the house and then bought the home from the estate.  The bank handling the estate made her a really good deal on the home.  We fixed it up and she sold it for a nice little profit.

It took us 3 years to get everything cleaned out and fixed up.  We both worked full time so mainly worked on the weekends and then mostly in the spring and summer. 

The first thing we did was get rid of the big stuff that we knew no one wanted.  The mattresses on the beds were probably 50 years old so off to the they went, along with the couch and some other stuffed furniture.  This gave us room to work.  Mom then designated an area for garage sale stuff.  This is where having someone to help you would be a benefit.  My DD did a lot of running and placing for Grandma.  Mom would hand her something and tell her to go put this in such and such pile.  As she would go through stuff if it was designated for garage sale than it went into the garage sale room.  She had another area in the basement that was designated .  When that corner was full enough for a load then we would load it up and get rid of it.  She had another area that had things that needed research to find the true value or were a more specialized item.  Those things were the hardest to deal with. 

While it seemed like we were moving things around instead of dealing with it once it helped us to sort the project down into parts we could manage.  When we were ready we had a huge garage sale and got rid of a lot of things.  What was left over from the garage sale went to goodwill.

The other thing is we never left for the week without the garbage can being completely full.

[Deleted]

Works4me,

What is your plan for the place; to sell or rent? Sometimes it's helpful to have a 3rd party such as a real estate agent evaluate what NEEDS to be done vs what "should" be done. I can be kind of a perfectionist and for a sale you might be better off listing it as a "classic" and just clean it up, list it for a lower price and let the next buyer take on the kitchen, bath and whatever remodeling.

Once you've gotten your "must do" list, figure out what you WANT to do vs everything possible you could do. This is where you need to do a cost/benefit decision. Are you better off getting the work done professionally so it hits the market ASAP or saving money. Be honest about your limitations.

I could afford to take my time when I was dealing with my mom's condo because it was taking so long to finish up stuff with her bank. But once I got the o.k. I called in the handyman and we got cracking. I knocked out the painting while I was showing the property for rent.

 FWIW I will be doing the same with my AZ property. The tenant will be out 12/31/13. I told the agent that it was available effective 1/15/14 because I want to do some painting (probably myself). But if he has someone lined up by 12/31/13 for 1/15/14 I'm hiring the professional and getting out of the way!

[Spellbound454]

My siblings and I only had two days to clear out my mothers house.
We kept what we wanted.....photographs, special pieces of furniture, ornaments, jewellery and sentimental things.
Clothes to charity, valuables to auction.....and the rest to the tip.

Its a sad fact that we all have enough clutter of our own without adding to it.
So what may have been precious to our mum....doesn't really have a place any more....so it had to go.

Its the hardest thing to do......but we were practical, sensible and got the job done.

Sometimes, you just must do.... what you must.

[sesfw]

Taking pictures of things that have memories but you know need to find another home is a way of 'keeping' them.  I've helped clear out 6 homes, mine included.  The easiest way for me was to do one room at a time.  Pick out what you want to keep, then everything else has to go.  Give away, throw away, sell.

Take your time.  I found myself keeping pictures and papers.  Those I boxed up for sorting through another time.  I took pictures of memories but actually kept very few.  When I sold our home after DH#1 died I placed my hand on everything and asked just one question.  Do I want to pay to have this moved.  If yes, stayed in keeper pile.  If no, went in the give away, throw away, sell pile.

Going thru DH#2 home was a huge chore because of all the memories he had with DW#1.  I almost told him to find a motel for a week and leave me alone.  We were downsizing from 3K with a 3K stuffed basement to a 2K no basement home 1800 miles away.

Again, take your time and cry break when you need to.  It's tough.  I know you can do it.

[milee]

Lists are good. 

On days that I'm feeling overwhelmed, down or helpless I tell myself to just get 3 things crossed off the list.  Doesn't matter which 3.  But I usually can force myself to do 3.  And once that's done, most of the time I feel better.  Often by then I'm even ready to do more because the attitude is better. 

You eat the elephant one bite at a time.  Just keep eating and don't stop....

[Deleted]

Hard job to do with your health issues.  Do you have a friend that could help? Do you belong to a church where people could help go through everything and as it is determined to be garbage?  Maybe you could set something up where any money or valuables found will have 10% of the value donated to the church.

I would not make massive lists because it becomes overwhelming.  Do you have a budget?  If you can afford a dumpster for a month, have it delivered to the driveway and just work on throwing things out for a month.  

Do one room at a time.  Start with the kitchen so you have a useable space to make yourself tea or meals as you go.  You need to think about self care as you deal with this emotional & physically tiring task.

Once the big clear out is done, then you talk to a Realtor (I'm assuming you want to sell the house) and find out value as is & value if you do the updates.  Might be a better market for sale as a fixer. 

[whoami]

DH is in the process of cleaning up MILs (now his and siblings) house for sale.  It was a packrat/hoarder type cleanout.  The house was full of mold/asbestos and who knows what else.  I pretty much laid down the law and told him he wasnt bringing a ton of garbage to my house.  Pick stuff that can be cleaned and get rid of everything else.  He hired a guy who basically gave him a token amount and took everything.  He will sell it and get whatever he can for it and DH now has a house he can repair and clean up in order to sell it.  She had nothing really of monetary value and whatever sentimental stuff DH wanted was removed.  It saved so much time to just give it to someone else to clean up.  

Bonny is absolutely right about doing cost/benefit analysis.  MILs house is in California where a can apparently go for $400K, but we are having to do repairs/renovations of things that are pretty much non negotiable...like mold remediation, some asbestos removal and termite tenting.  We have several people helping out since we dont live anywhere near where the house is, and they have been invaluable in keeping things moving along.  A real estate agent is very helpful in telling you what you should do and can often point you in the direction of who to talk to in order to get things done in a timely matter.   

[busymom]

I agree with talking with an established real estate agent, before you begin fixing up the place.  If walls need painting, they can tell you what the current popular colors are in a home for sale.  They can also advise on what remodels make sense, & what to leave "as is". 

[Works4me]

THANK YOU - all of you - for your input. It really is helping. Part of the "problem" is I am an only child - no one to fight with but also no one to help. I have been living here pretty much since 2010 to take care of him, but never really moved in. BFF DD is living at my place so moved all my stuff here.

A lot of the big stuff has gone already due to the build up of cigarette smoke - couch, chairs, his bed, etc. Put the few things I wanted to keep in storage for now along with hospital bed, wheelchair, commode, and other care items in case I ever need to bring him back home - will get rid of those after his death - it is my Anti-Murphy's Law superstition: if I am prepared it won't happen.

The house I grew up in was sold in 2005. We went through everything back then and got rid of a lot of junk. This place is about 1/2 the size and one of the reasons I was in favor of it was because the interior matched his furniture down to the valances. All he had to do was move in and unpack. The place was built in the 1990's - think brass and mauve- lol! Appliances are original and were bottom of the line - I want to replace them for my use/enjoyment. Kind of my plans for the place - fix it up and enjoy before I sell following his death - whenever that may be. I prefer my place 4 blocks away even though it is smaller - better neighbors, cheaper and I just like it better.

The hard part now is I am going through his personal things - picking out a suit/shirt/tie to be cleaned for his eventual burial, dealing with his engineering books, etc. I also want to be able to use family heirlooms such as dishes, silver, and so on - I am the last in the line so want to enjoy it. That brings up another issue - need to update my will so some valuable items can go to cousins and their kids.

Well, thanks again and back to it - if you hear anyone yelling "help" that will be me, buried under something or another.

ETA - BFF is a realtor and went through the place with me. We made a list - lol at another list - of things that had to be done to sell, things that should be done, and things that could be done to bring top dollar. A lot of it I can do slowly over time while living here as I am very handy.

EETA - have stuff in storage from various places I have lived and goal is to go through everything and get rid of what I no longer want and cannot see ever using. For example, I have my grandparents living room/dining room tables - beautiful maple pieces that will never fit my lifestyle/decor as I like smaller rooms/pieces and birch or walnut woods. One of my cousins needs a dining room set - need to photograph them for him.

My eventual goal is to be able to totally sort through it all so that the "stuff of my life" is manageable.

[Blonde Granny]

Sara, I can only speak for me, but 2 years ago my 91 y/o Mom fell and broke her hip.  I might as well have been an only child as I certainly felt like one at that time....but I digress.

It was obvious very quickly she was never going to be able to come back to her apt., DH and I were in town for 2 weeks.  As we started going thru her things, I carefully survey each item, should it stay, go, donate, move to assisted living, who else might want it etc.  This careful judging went on for about 2 days.

Reality finally hit me in the face, and quickly DH and I decided most of it could simply fit down the trash shute just outside her apt. door, and from that moment on we didn't have the time or energy to do anything else.

For her assisted living apt. a quick trip to Nebraska Furniture Mart and my credit card bought all new things for her, right down to sheets, towels etc.  We managed to have it all in place by the time she moved in, and we simply gave her no choice in her situation.

She is now living in a town where our son and DIL with her 3 GGs live.  Every now and then she will ask about something, I give her a little answer, usually not true and she's happy.

Best of luck, it's a hard and emotional job.

[Peace77]

Take baby steps.  

After each 20-30 minutes that you work on his place, STOP.  Sit down and drink a glass of water.  Put your feet your feet up if you can.

Is your father able to answer questions?  Perhaps you can ask him what her would like done with some of his things.  One fellow I knew had in his will that his books were to be donated to the local college.  Some were given to professors in his department.

[Jaguar]

I cleaned out my moms place in 2000, it took 5 months and it was only a 2 bedroom apartment with a sun room. I swear I'll never do that to another person.

[Deleted]

Nov 9, 2013 13:07:41 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Appliances are original and were bottom of the line - I want to replace them for my use/enjoyment. Kind of my plans for the place - fix it up and enjoy before I sell following his death - whenever that may be. I prefer my place 4 blocks away even though it is smaller - better neighbors, cheaper and I just like it better.


My eventual goal is to be able to totally sort through it all so that the "stuff of my life" is manageable.

Sarahjese,

I'd give real pause as to whether it makes sense to replace working appliances unless you plan on moving them to your home before you put the property on the market.

And make sure you do a hard cost benefit before undertaking anything more than cleaning, painting and repairing broken/heavily worn items.

[Works4me]

Bonny, Sugi, BG, et al,

I am answering back as if this is a conversation and trying to see if my reasons are good enough for you - really appreciate your comments and did not want you to think I am offended or to offend you. If I can convince you then maybe I can do it without feeling too guilty. Also, I have enough extra money in my checking account to do this in "cash."

The main problem is annoyance - plastic inside refrigerator is cracked/getting worse and range needs burner repaired and is not self-cleaning - to me not worth fixing - with my lupus and asthma must have self-cleaning oven according to doctor and I agree. Plus they are well over 15 years old, almost 20. No dishwasher was installed, no garbage disposal and appliances were cheapest ones possible. And dog-gone it, I worked hard to put these items new at my place and I want them here! For ME!!!

I want to replace them with mid-range matched set . I am thinking white by GE - washer/dryer are newish and white by GE which is visible to kitchen - plus they have some nice package deals for refrigerator, range, dishwasher and microwave which are the pieces I want.

Kitchen needs to be painted as finish on fake oak crap cupboards is almost ready to peel. Rest of house needs to be painted due to smoke and wheelchair/walker damage. Funny thing is I considered his possible need for home care when he bought this little place and I must say it served us well for 2 plus years. My goal now is to repair and prep it for possible sale while also trying to make it into a home that I can be comfortable in.

Here is the bottom line - I am 51, retired for now. I may or may not return to employment but for now I am not working. Social Security Disability is in progress but will take time. Right now I can live off of 50-75% of my earnings from various investments and am re-investing as much as possible so net worth is increasing, just far more slowly.

Weird thing is I had planned to semi-retire at 55 and work as a flight attendant for 10 years so I had saved a LOT of money while working in high tech from my mid 30's thru early 40's. Add in my father's trust and I am A-OK financially. Which absolutely blows me away!

I only did some of the YM approved things - I bought 2 new cars most recently but kept first until totaled and have had this one 13 years, 135,000 of my well maintained miles, going strong for planned 200,000 miles.

Bought very small but very affordable home in 1990 and my mother was on loan with me. When she died less then a year later, the insurance paid it off. Windfall and Godsend, yes - but also the result of doing the right things along the way that were not always those recommended but felt "gut" right to me along the way.

Forgive me if I am boring you, it is just helpful to write this out - journal here I come!

ETA - And more lists! Treating this as if it were a work project because in a way it kind of is. What luxury to be able to enjoy some of it - like that new appliance smell!

Skipping cost of water in refrigerator door and ice maker as those are not important to me personally and would need to run new supply lines either from kitchen sink or water lines just under it or even bathroom sink just behind it - lol - want to bet THAT was a design feature the first owners did not want to pay for? Who knows what I will do now.

lists ... Lists ... LISTS !!!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I have not had to deal with cleaning out anyone's house but my own, so no advice there, just hugs. I do believe in and live in List City, so I I think it's a good idea to keep making them. 

[Jaguar]

Sarah, when I cleaned out my moms apartment I threw out over 80 bags of garbage. I donated two cube vans worth of books to the Church Christmas bazaar. I gave all the big pieces of furniture to my siblings and also gave them her dishes.

Sarah I believe the greatest thing my mom gave me was my life. Material things just cannot compare to that priceless gift.

Get new appliances for the kitchen, if you plan on living there yourself. Clean it up regardless if you live there or sell it.


Yes some days will be tough, come here and rant if you need to.

[Jaguar]

I make lists now, I didn't back in 2000.

[milee]

SarahJesse, it sounds like you are heading in the right direction and will be just fine.

If you're struggling with where to start, think about if there are any projects that will provide the biggest bang for the buck - meaning, where do you spend the most time or what is driving you the craziest?  For me, I'd probably start by painting and fixing up whatever room I spent the most time in (living room, den?) so that there was one clean haven.  Even if the rest was an in-progress mess, having one clean haven can bring peace and be a retreat.  Plus, it wouldn't be that difficult or expensive to clean and paint a living area.

Then, I'd probably move on to the kitchen.  Not just for health reasons, but because you spend a lot of time there and a disgusting kitchen would just make me uncomfy.  That's going to probably be your biggest, most time consuming and expensive project, so I wouldn't start with that, but it should be on the list.

I like to see the progress so I'd like to at least knock off a couple of whole rooms instead of just working little bits everywhere, but figure out what makes you feel good and work on that.

[Works4me]

And it just sunk in - the new appliances I like (GE Profile line is in the lead right now) - I could take them WITH ME when/if I move back to my place or elsewhere - LOL - little slow sometimes here, especially when overwhelmed. At least I have my trusted side-kick Tara, The GSD! She likes the yard here but is 11 y/o.

ETA - GE Artistry Line has bottom freezer but no self-clean range, Profile has range and micro,  at so it looks like I get/need to explore more Lines/Brands, etc. I love the internet and my computer fir this - weed 'em all out and then go look in person - kind of like the best way to buy a car too - hope it works!

[Deleted]

Sarah, I haven't had to deal with a parent's house, so I don't have any practical advice on that. Just good wishes for you and your Dad.

I'm not big on lists but when I started working on my house, there was so much I needed and wanted to do, I made a list to get myself organized. I included my best guess on costs, real amounts as they were determined. Between organizing everything by room or project, projecting costs and setting timelines, I was able to prioritize. Priorities mattered because I couldn't afford to do everything at once. It is a LONG list (repairs, changes and decorating inside and out) but breaking it down to rooms or projects made it less overwhelming. It's not set in stone, I've made adjustments as needed, but it helps me to keep keep track of the pieces that make up the big picture that I'm trying to get to.

[Deleted]

Nov 9, 2013 17:20:33 GMT -5 Works4me said:

And it just sunk in - the new appliances I like (GE Profile line is in the lead right now) - I could take them WITH ME when/if I move back to my place or elsewhere - LOL - little slow sometimes here, especially when overwhelmed. At least I have my trusted side-kick Tara, The GSD! She likes the yard here but is 11 y/o.

ETA - GE Artistry Line has bottom freezer but no self-clean range, Profile has range and micro,  at so it looks like I get/need to explore more Lines/Brands, etc. I love the internet and my computer fir this - weed 'em all out and then go look in person - kind of like the best way to buy a car too - hope it works!

We found that Trusty and boring old Sears was the best place to get our kitchen "suite". Samsung fridge (water only inside) BTW a waterline kit is pretty cheap, Kenmore elite microhood and slide in gas range. Bosch d/w because of it being an open kitchen. They should probably have a Veteran's day sale. If not, there's sure to be a T-day sale. Talk to your sales person; they'll know about the next sale. It was well worth it for us to open up a Sears card. Plus we got a couple hundred dollars worth of points. I haven't had to pay for clothes for 18 months!

We got Samsung W/D from Lowes.

I would also check out a Pacific Sales if you have one.

 

[Works4me]

Is the Bosch dishwasher significantly quieter? This is an open kitchen too. After looking for a while I am going to keep on looking - wanted to go with one brand but thus far have not found that although Whirlpool is looking good on Refrigerator and Range thus far. Bosch looked good on a few items - will have to re-check

This sums it up: I have patiently waited for and looked forward to the day that I could afford to buy all new appliances at the same time - well, that day has arrived and it is no where near as much fun as I thought it would be!

Lately, my life has felt a lot like that.

[cronewitch]

Mom sold her house 6 years ago after 35 years, we had 3 yard sales and she got rid of almost everything. She went from a 3 bedroom house with 2 car garage to 4 rooms total no kitchen. Now when she died it was pretty easy, she told each of us we could have things while she was sick so when she died we took that stuff. The remaining stuff my brother asked me what I wanted and did a charity pile and pile and got rid of everything.

Now I am doing mine. We took a 5X12 trailer of stuff out yesterday so a lot of excess furniture is gone now. I haven't got furniture in the guest room but lots of boxes to go through. I am planning to be ruthless and dispose of my excess stuff like coin and stamp collections I don't work on and box up old photos and things that were my great grandmothers or other things I cant get rid of. Then the decorator items will be displayed or packed up or disposed of. As soon as the house is ship shape I will paint the insides all white or off white. Then I will dispose of more furniture and replace with lighter smaller furniture and less also all new window treatment. At the same time I will empty the 6 car garage and dispose of everything I don't want and the rest will fit on shelves.

This is my retirement plan, retire in January and then get serious about declutter and clean. Since ISO got his own house I am sending him things too good to toss like all the fishing tackle and boats and camping gear.

This will make my life easier and when I move it will be easier and when I die it will be easier for the heirs.

[Deleted]

Is the Bosch dishwasher significantly quieter?

Yes! I've had mine for almost 2 years. You can stand right in front of it and barely hear it. Seriously. I have to look at the display to tell if it's running or not. Two things about my Bosch though, the layout for the dishes is weird, and it doesn't dry plastic well. I love how quiet it is though, so I'm happy with it overall.

I had an old Kenmore dishwasher before. We had to turn the volume up really high on the tv in the den to hear it if the dishwasher was running.

[sesfw]

'when I die it will be easier for the heirs.'

About a year after DH died DD and SIL were over getting a few things.  DD told me that if I leave a huge mess when I died she was coming after me to clean it up.  LOL .... Both Bill and I were pack rats and hated to get rid of anything.

Now I hate having clutter around me.  It's too overwhelming and I'm not a good enough house keeper to keep it clean.

I make lists of things that need to be done 'someday'.  My brain is so mushy now that I will forget it when we have someone here for general handy man stuff.

Right now we have Jenn Aire appliances that came with the house.  The dishwasher is quiet.

[Gardening Grandma]

Sarah,
Is anyone helping you or are you doing all this by yourself?

When we had to deal with late MIL's house, it was enormously helpful that my BIL and SIL helped. We werent all that close to them before but it was a bonding experience. Plus we gave each other emotional support.

It sounds like you are taking the right approach. And lists are very helpful. I'd just encourage you to enlist some help if you can.

hugs to you