weird lunchroom conversation

[Waffle]

Today at lunch a fairly new guy - he's been with the company maybe a couple of months - told a story about how he called his mother-in-law a bitch.  I think he thought it was an amusing story.  The first response he got was sort of disbelief - "you didn't actually say that to her?" kind of response.  He said he did say it to her.  Second response was mine "you're not making yourself look good" I said to him.  He seemed rather shocked for a moment and then he said he was nice to everybody but her.

This has just stayed with me all day.  I'm not sure which is worse - the fact that he said it, or the fact that he thought it was appropriate lunchroom conversation with people he barely knows.

What do you think?  Was it weird, or were we who were shocked just naive and over reacting? 

[Deleted]

The fact that he thought it was appropriate lunchroom conversation with people he barely knows.

[Tiny]

You may just be "old"....

What age groups was everyone in?  I've found people still in their 20's and early 30's seem to use 'swear words' all the time even in meetings - they seem to think nothing of calling each other 'bitch' and 'bastard' or voicing the 'sexual act' type punch line when ever someone sez something that might unintentionally be a bit awkward or be a prime double entendre.    k

FWIW:  I've heard a couple of people publicly confess to going out of their way to be heinous or rude or just down right mean to someone - be it their MIL, or a relative or someone else they couldn't stand.   There seems to be some sort of 'honor' or 'righteousness' in this for them and I guess who ever hears them say these kinds of things are suppose to 'proud' of them? or agree with them?   It's usually the youngin's that this stuff comes from.           I usually give them a withering look or just change the subject/ignore them.    

[Waffle]

Tiny Speck,

I freely admit to being old.  There was a mix of ages, several 50 somethings (including me)  a couple of 30 somethings.  The guy telling the story is about 50 - the woman who expressed disbelief is a twenty something.  We can't give him a pass for age - unless he was just trying to fit in with the younger people in the room. But those particular younger people don't talk like that - at least I've never heard them talk like that.

[mollyanna58]

Maybe he thought everyone everywhere hated their MIL

[dannylion]

Many people seem to lack social skills.  This person seems to be one of them.  Or maybe he's just a jerk. 

[Waffle]

He likes his father-in-law.  He and his wife took FIL out for a birthday dinner.  MIL said she didn't want to go.  When they brought FIL home, she said why didn't you bring home a doggie bag and then he said I don't see a dog; I see a bitch.

He said "nobody" like his MIL.  I asked if FIL liked her and he admitted that he didn't know.  If there were repercussions he didn't mention them. Somehow the conversation then went on to more typical small talk.

[Virgil Showlion]

I don't see anything unusual or wrong with it.

I met some strangers at the mall the other day and we got into a conversation about my lawnmower dreams. I always have these dreams where I'm throwing people into lawnmowers and purple blood sprays out like jelly all over the place. Then hundreds and thousands of naked people rolling in the purple blood jelly, screaming "Stench! Laughing stench! Laughing stench!"

It was just a friendly conversation between fellow human beings at the mall. Are we so uptight that we can't share our personal experiences with others?

[milee]

Yep.  People have poor judgment about what's acceptable and even poorer judgment over what's acceptable to share.

When DH and I moved to North Carolina in the early '90s, we both worked for a high tech firm.  When we'd been there around a week so didn't really know anybody we were eating lunch in the break room with the engineers.  The senate race between Jessie Helms (notorious bigot) and Harvey Gantt (black mayor of Charlotte) was going on.  One of the engineers said - loudly enough to carry through the entire room, "Yeah, I know Harvey Gantt would be the best Senator, but I just can't bring myself to vote for a N______."  And keep on blandly chewing his sandwich, as if he'd just commented on the weather or some other innocuous thing.

This was me => 

So not only are you a racist, but you are comfy enough that this is socially acceptable that you feel free to say something like that in a room of 20 people who are some of the most "educated" in the company?!?  We went home that night and decided that no matter what, we weren't staying in that area longer than we absolutely had to and sure as heck weren't going to raise kids there. 

[giramomma]

Are we so uptight that we can't share our personal experiences with others?

Well, then, maybe I should try the following stories out on my new office-mate tomorrow...

" On Sunday, we got a call from a friend that's incarcerated. The phone rang at 7 am and we were all like, phew, at least it wasn't the call that one of our parents died. We didn't actually answer the phone, so we'll have to find out if the friend really was armed when he got in trouble later."

or

"My 6 yo at some point during the day didn't wipe well enough. She had a playdate with a friend this afternoon. During the playdate, the girls played fashion show, and the friend saw my 6 yo's undies and thought she pooped her pants..I hope my kid doesn't get the knickname of poopy-butt at school. My 6 yo even managed to leave skid marks in the tub. How's that for talent?

or

Maybe I should bring up a discussion of how I think "ribbed for her pleasure" is false advertising?

After all, it's just friendly conversation, right?

[Tiny]

Oct 28, 2013 20:29:18 GMT -5 Waffle said:

Tiny Speck,

I freely admit to being old.  There was a mix of ages, several 50 somethings (including me)  a couple of 30 somethings.  The guy telling the story is about 50 - the woman who expressed disbelief is a twenty something.  We can't give him a pass for age - unless he was just trying to fit in with the younger people in the room. But those particular younger people don't talk like that - at least I've never heard them talk like that.

Wow.  Yep, it's not an age thing...  Maybe he was just having one of those days when he shut off the "filters" and said exactly what he was thinking.  

[sesfw]

'He said "nobody" like his MIL.'

If he EVER says anything like this again, just remind him who raised the woman he loves and married.

What a jerk.  Unless he does some fast growing up I don't see this marriage being together very long.

[hoops902]

::He likes his father-in-law. He and his wife took FIL out for a birthday dinner. MIL said she didn't want to go. When they brought FIL home, she said why didn't you bring home a doggie bag and then he said I don't see a dog; I see a bitch.::

To me, there's a big difference between "hey guys, I called my MIL a bitch" and relaying a story about a pun he made where he referred to her as a bitch within the context of a joke being made (even if he meant it).

[Waffle]

Maybe it was supposed to be a joke, but it just sounded like he was insulting her.

[Cookies Galore]

Oct 28, 2013 22:07:14 GMT -5 Tiny said:

Oct 28, 2013 20:29:18 GMT -5 Waffle said:

Tiny Speck,

I freely admit to being old.  There was a mix of ages, several 50 somethings (including me)  a couple of 30 somethings.  The guy telling the story is about 50 - the woman who expressed disbelief is a twenty something.  We can't give him a pass for age - unless he was just trying to fit in with the younger people in the room. But those particular younger people don't talk like that - at least I've never heard them talk like that.

Wow.  Yep, it's not an age thing...  Maybe he was just having one of those days when he shut off the "filters" and said exactly what he was thinking.  

So for someone in their 20s and 30s it's that they're showing off and that's just how those young'uns speak, but now that it's a man of 50 it's just one of those days?

[whoami]

I'm not sure why the length of time he has worked there really matters.

I probably would have just shrugged....because I totally get it.  I wouldn't have said it using that word, never have to DH, but my feelings aren't a secret either.

[milee]

Oct 29, 2013 11:02:56 GMT -5 whoami said:

I'm not sure why the length of time he has worked there really matters.

Length of time is - for most people - part of determining relationship dynamics.  Most people grow more familiar and casual, less guarded with people they have known for longer periods of time.  The fact that this guy is fairly new says either he doesn't have varying levels of familiarity (which indicates one difference in social etiquette from most people) or that he does recognize varying levels of familiarity and doesn't recognize that his statement might be offensive to others. 

Honestly, in my example of the coworker making the racist comment, I've thought about that for 20 years now.  Being the new person at the company, not knowing how things worked, knowing if I lost that job there were very few others available, etc., I said nothing and still feel bad to this day.  A year later, had someone said something like that, I would have said something to indicate not only how inappropriate that was, but how unacceptable those views are anywhere.  But - in good part because I was the new person and highly dependent on the job - I said nothing.  Example of varying levels of familiarity.

[hoops902]

::Maybe he was just having one of those days when he shut off the "filters" and said exactly what he was thinking. ::

He wasn't really "saying what he was thinking" though, and he didn't call anyone a bitch while he was talking.  He relayed a story of calling someone a bitch. He was obviously TRYING to show off, he thought what he said in the story was funny. 

[thyme4change]

Maybe his MIL is actually a real bitch.

[Deleted]

I use "that's what she said" 10 times a day at work. Is that inappropriate?

[greeniis10]

I think hoops interpertation is accurate.  Sounds to me like he was trying to show how "clever" he was for phrasing it that way.  (personally, I'm not impressed by people like that)

Other than that I can't comment because even though I dislike the common (errant) belief that all MILs are difficult I certainly don't like mine.  Would never say so and hurt DH but I have very little interraction with her.

[zibazinski]

I would never share what I thought about my MIL at work. It isn't the time or the place.

[sesfw]

dislike the common (errant) belief that all MILs are difficult I certainly don't like mine.

I loved my MIL.  She taught me how to be a wife and mother, successfully.  A whole lot more than my mother did.

When MIL died I lost someone very special ....... and it hurt.

[Miss Tequila]

Who knows the time he used when saying it. I know a few people who can say anything and it just comes across as funny but if someone else said it they would sound like a complete asshole.

I hated my MIL and dh always knew it. Of course I never disrespected her and called her names but i told dh what I thought of her on more than one occasion. I've also told funny stories about her to my work friends.

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2013 20:44:38 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Maybe he thought everyone everywhere hated their MIL

This.  It seems to be a myth perpetuated by the media. 

[zibazinski]

It says more about him than it does her.

[bean29]

Count me as someone who subscribes to the theory that the in-laws raised the spouse and if you hate one of your in-laws things probably are not going so well with the spouse.

Loved my ex-FIL he was a gem of a guy.  When my ex started to say bad things about my family that was about the time I realized our relationship was over. 

I love my MIL.  She not only raised DH she had a lot of the raising of my kids.  I will never run her down to my family - it will not go over with my kids.  I have trained them to appreciate everything their grandparents have done for them.

The MIL may be a really ugly person, but my money's on this guy being a snake.

[whoami]

Oct 29, 2013 15:28:31 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Count me as someone who subscribes to the theory that the in-laws raised the spouse and if you hate one of your in-laws things probably are not going so well with the spouse. 

There are a lot of people on this board with shitty relationships with their parents, children, stepchildren and assorted family members for a variety of reasons. Does that mean their relationships with their spouses all suck too?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My guess is he wanted someone to think he was witty/clever with his pun. 

MIL drives me nuts sometimes.  DH gets that because she drives him batty too but I'd NEVER call her names.  She's DH mother and therefore deserves my respect. 

When DH didn't like my dad I got on his case about his behavior.  I said you don't have to be bosom buddies but he is my father and when you disrespect him like that you disrespect ME.  If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all.

He doesn't have to be best friends with his MIL or even really like her but he should have the common courtesy to not joke like that and especially not do it to her face and in front of his FIL and spouse.

[bean29]

Oct 29, 2013 15:34:01 GMT -5 whoami said:

Oct 29, 2013 15:28:31 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Count me as someone who subscribes to the theory that the in-laws raised the spouse and if you hate one of your in-laws things probably are not going so well with the spouse. 

There are a lot of people on this board with shitty relationships with their parents, children, stepchildren and assorted family members for a variety of reasons. Does that mean their relationships with their spouses all suck too?

It was what he said and how he said it.  Inappropriate and ugly.  As long as you are not talking that way about family I don't care if you don't have warm fuzzy's about them.

Drama said it well:


Posted by DramaQ10153 minutes ago.My guess is he wanted someone to think he was witty/clever with his pun.

MIL drives me nuts sometimes. DH gets that because she drives him batty too but I'd NEVER call her names. She's DH mother and therefore deserves my respect.

When DH didn't like my dad I got on his case about his behavior. I said you don't have to be bosom buddies but he is my father and when you disrespect him like that you disrespect ME. If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all.

He doesn't have to be best friends with his MIL or even really like her but he should have the common courtesy to not joke like that and especially not do it to her face and in front of his FIL and spouse.