Trainwreck!

[Deleted]

My friend separated from her husband 2 years ago. They'd been together about 20 years. Last year she accepted a job almost a thousand miles away from home and moved to where the job is.

The husband had no problem with her moving the children so far away. He went to visit them a couple of times. My friend let him stay with them when he came to visit, because she's just a nice person and even though he was a jackass husband, she's over that. Then he asked if he could visit at the beginning of August and spend time with the children again before the oldest children left for college.  Around the same time, he told my friend that he'd been thinking, and he missed her. She had no interest in that kind of conversation with him, but she was ok with him coming to visit the children.

What he didn't tell my friend was that he'd either quit or gotten fired from his job and his plan was to move there with them. Her first clue that something was up was a few days after he arrived, when her weekly child support deposit wasn't made. My friend was the primary breadwinner (not by choice) until just before she left him, when he finally got a real job but still didn't contribute much to the household. She always took care of everything related to money. He didn't think things like getting the lights and gas cut off were really a big deal and he didn't think he should have to work a job he didn't like even if he barely made more than minimum wage.

Anyway, as his real plan started to be revealed, first, he was going to go to college where she lives (which lasted about a week) and he thought he could live with her until he got his stuff together. She nixed the living with her idea as soon as he brought it up. So he's been sleeping in his car, but she lets him come over and shower and wash his clothes or whatever. Now he's at her house every day for a few hours until he either goes to work (he finally found a PT job at night, that pays just enough to pay his car note) or goes and parks somewhere for the night. Their children don't know he's sleeping in his car.

My friend is upset because he came up there under false pretenses, planning to mooch off of her, and her trying to be nice has gotten her tangled up with him again. She doesn't know how to get him back out of her every day life, I think her biggest obstacle is knowing he's homeless. She doesn't have much use for him personally, but he IS her children's father. I get it, but I still don't have any sympathy for him. He's almost 50 years old and a manipulative jackass that's homeless because of stupid shit. Since he's been there, he wrote her a letter saying that he sacrificed everything ( -idunno-he was living with his Mom before he went up there) to come up there to help her (the only "help" she needs is for him to be a good father) because his marriage is so important to him. Getting back together had never been mentioned before this, for the first year, he wouldn't even talk to her about their children and rarely saw them. My friend was done with the relationship when she left and that never changed. Plus, he's not helping her, he's a burden because he can't even take care of himself, he's not paying child support anymore, he can't even feed himself! Did I mention he's a jackass? None of her friends or family has liked him in the 20 years they've been together. No one.

I've told her that he's a grown ass man, let him figure it out. He can always drive back home to his Momma. Ha! He doesn't even have enough money to buy the gas. Regardless, I'm mean and he wouldn't be at my house every day, eating up my food and wrecking my peace. I'd really be pissed if someone thought I was that much of a sucker. I also told her about a million times to get the book "Boundaries". I don't know what else to tell her. What would you tell her?

Sorry for such a long post. I honestly tried to write the short version. LOL

[kittensaver]

Find the nearest homeless drop-in center or access center.

Hand him a map.

Tell him he may come back to see the kids when he is housed, gainfully employed and settled.

Then change the locks on the doors.

[Deleted]

kittensaver, you're mean like me! I don't think she has the guts to do it.  The next time I talk to her, I'm going to bug her about the book again.

[Malarky]

What kittensaver said, but change the locks first and have the conversation in the yard. 

[kittensaver]

Oct 10, 2013 18:00:56 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

kittensaver, you're mean like me! I don't think she has the guts to do it.  The next time I talk to her, I'm going to bug her about the book again.

It's not mean - it's reality. If she doesn't have the guts to do it, then she gets to live with the consequences, pure and simple. Just like he gets to live with the consequences of HIS behavior.

ETA: my agency runs the local homeless access center for our regional CoC (HUD Continuum of Care). We see dozens of these types of folks every day. The ones with severe mental illnesses never seem to be able to function completely independently because of their disability, but the down-and-out ones without the complications of MH or substance abuse often just need a good, swift kick in the rear along with the helping hand up. I can't tell you how many people over the years have told us that our version of "caring tough love" was exactly what they needed.

YMMV.

[Deleted]

Oct 10, 2013 18:01:38 GMT -5 Malarky said:

What kittensaver said, but change the locks first and have the conversation in the yard. 

When she first realized he was planning an extended stay, I immediately told her whatever she did, to not let him stay long enough to establish residency at her place and to check the laws where she lived to see how long that was. Fortunately, she lives in an apartment (I know, I kept calling it a house) and she also checked her lease. Allowing anyone not on the lease to say longer than 7 days is a violation of the lease. So she didn't have to wrestle with herself too hard with that one.

[souldoubt]

There's nothing mean about it.  He isn't some down on his luck guy who lost a job and needs a helping hand.  He needs a foot in the ass which is what your friend telling him no hopefully is but it sounds like he'll find someone else to try and mooch off of.  Perhaps your friend is the only one left falling for his excuses or lies. 

[Deleted]

I don't know if he has a mental illness, but he's definitely different. When he finally got his real job, he started paying almost $1k a month to rent a car to get to work instead of buying a car. He couldn't afford it and ended up losing his apartment. That's when he moved back in with his Mom and he finally bought a car.

He also presents a fairly charming front to people that don't know him, but it's superficial. He doesn't have ANY friends. I guess I do think he has some kind of disorder. He's just not a "normal" kinda guy. But he thinks he's perfect and there's something wrong with everybody else.

[Deleted]

Oct 10, 2013 18:13:42 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

There's nothing mean about it.  He isn't some down on his luck guy who lost a job and needs a helping hand.  He needs a foot in the ass which is what your friend telling him no hopefully is but it sounds like he'll find someone else to try and mooch off of.  Perhaps your friend is the only one left falling for his excuses or lies. 

But he chose to stay and sleep in his car when she said he couldn't live with her, instead of going back to where his family is. He doesn't know anyone else that lives in that part of the country. Everything he's done and is doing is so foreign to me, I can't begin to figure out what the heck he's thinking other than that she might eventually give in.

[Deleted]

Lone, she hadn't been happy in her marriage for many years, but she stayed because of the children. He was home with them while she was out working to provide and for years she thought he was at least a good Dad. Then she realized she hadn't done them any favors. His jackass tendencies had affected the children and they had serious issues. He refused to go to counseling for their children or their marriage. He insisted everything and everyone was fine. It wasn't and they weren't. She eventually gave up and started trying to figure out how she could leave with the children and the least amount of drama.

Rukh, I don't know that the kid angle would work. Its complicated.

[Peace Of Mind]

Oct 10, 2013 18:26:11 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I don't know if he has a mental illness, but he's definitely different. When he finally got his real job, he started paying almost $1k a month to rent a car to get to work instead of buying a car. He couldn't afford it and ended up losing his apartment. That's when he moved back in with his Mom and he finally bought a car.

He also presents a fairly charming front to people that don't know him, but it's superficial. He doesn't have ANY friends. I guess I do think he has some kind of disorder. He's just not a "normal" kinda guy. But he thinks he's perfect and there's something wrong with everybody else.

LMAO!!  So not being able to hold a job and being homeless still hasn't given him a clue that maybe, just maybe he's wrong?  Maybe a 2 x 4 would help out the situation.  Oh, Drama - a little help here. 

[Deleted]

He's nuts.  You can't expect logical approaches/solutions from a person with mental health issues. 

She's doing herself and the kids a disservice by letting him be there.  I would guess that they had been making progress behaviorally until he showed up again.  

She needs to encourage him to go back home to his mom.  That's probably the environment he can cope with.

He's very manipulative (I gave up everything for you) & it probably works on her to some extent.  She needs to stay away from him and set strict boundaries on the visits with children.  I would NOT let him be wandering in/out of the house for showers and all.  He can go to a shelter.

[Shooby]

She can't control what he does or where he chooses to live or any of that.  She can control how much she wishes to participate in his life.  And, he can live around the corner in his car or whatever he pleases but she isn't obligated to let him stay there, wash his clothes or anything like that at all.  She needs to decide what SHE wants and then simply draw clear boundaries.

[Deleted]

"Maybe a 2 x 4 would help out the situation."

 I have no sympathy, empathy whatever it is for people like that. he can continue to sleep in the car. I wouldnt let him in the house for showers or anything. I would contact child support services so his pay from his part time job can be garnished. He should really move back with his mom, he can call her up for gas money. He is a grown man who got too used to being taken care of by your friend! He doesn't care about his marriage, your friend or his kids, all he cares is getting back with her so he can continue to live the comfortable, lazy lifestyle. Of course I am a bitch but I'd rather be a bitch then somebody's meal ticket AGAIN!

[Deleted]

I like how Rock It summed it up with "He's nuts".

I agree that he's use to her taking care of him. When she told me he said he missed her, my first thought was that what he really missed was not having to take care of any business.

His Mom can't take care of him, she's poor. I think he realizes he had a nice set up with my friend and he wants it back.

She suggested he rent a room from somebody. He said "I don't know those people!" I guess when she really decides she can't take any more she'll put her foot down and tell him he has to figure it out without her being part of the equation.

[Wisconsin Beth]

how old are the kids?  And how many?

[souldoubt]

Oct 10, 2013 18:31:29 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Oct 10, 2013 18:13:42 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

There's nothing mean about it.  He isn't some down on his luck guy who lost a job and needs a helping hand.  He needs a foot in the ass which is what your friend telling him no hopefully is but it sounds like he'll find someone else to try and mooch off of.  Perhaps your friend is the only one left falling for his excuses or lies. 

But he chose to stay and sleep in his car when she said he couldn't live with her, instead of going back to where his family is. He doesn't know anyone else that lives in that part of the country. Everything he's done and is doing is so foreign to me, I can't begin to figure out what the heck he's thinking other than that she might eventually give in.

Not really surprising since you said he doesn't know anyone else in the area and can barely afford gas.  As you said it sounds like he had a plan all along to try mooch off of your friend.  Sooner or later he'll likely leave the area if she continues to keep him out of the house.

[Deleted]

3 kids. 2 in college, 1 just started this fall. The 3d child is in high school.

When she first told him he couldn't live there, he had some money. He'd just received money from cashing out his retirement at the job he lost/quit. $2100. The only things she knows he did with that money was he sent the college freshman $400 for books (unnecessarily, but he didn't talk to her before he did it) and bought the youngest some shoes. He also said he paid his car note out of it.

He didn't use it to get a place to live or to go back home or even contribute to the groceries he'd been eating. He went and stayed in a cheap motel for a few days, offended because she'd said he couldn't live there, then came back crying broke. She told him he still couldn't live there.