Would you be upset?[{locked}]

[Deleted]

I don't know if I am mad, sad, or disappointed - maybe all three.

My Dad's 80th birthday is coming up. We have been planning a family get together for at least five months. We did a "save the date" thing. It is for immediate family only - my two siblings, their total of four kids and three grandkids. We picked a central location; the furthest anyone would have to go is two hours (we all live in the same state). We were going to meet at a motel and hang out for the evening.

Now that the date is near, two of them said they aren't staying long. UGH! The party has been cancelled. The ones that can make it, see Dad all of the time. Dad does not want the family spending a total of four hours on the road to only stay for a short time.

Would that bother you? We are lucky he made it to 80 but they don't seem to realize that. 

[swamp]

Yeah I'd be upset but you can't control what other people do. Have aparty without them. 

[Shooby]

  I have just found that in life, just decide what you want to do and whoever is at the dance with you is at the dance with you and you don't worry about who isn't.  You can't control other people so what they "should do" is a waste of time unless you like a knot in your stomach.
  So, when i was in charge of planning my mom's 70th, i floated some dates and no matter what date you give, there are always people who can't make it.  So, at some point, i just had to pick a date and who showed up, showed up.

[Deleted]

I agree with holding the party anyway if your Dad is willing. Are their friends of his you can invite, too? I can't imagine what your sibs have going that makes it so important that they leave early but that's not your problem.

When we had a big celebration for my Dad's 80th, it was over Thanksgiving weekend and I booked tickets for DS to be there. DS lives 3 hours away and I really wanted him to be part of it. A few weeks before he said that his boss wanted him to work the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, which was the day he was supposed to leave. It's a good company and they treat him well, so I forked over another $200 in change fees. But DS got there.

[Deleted]

Unfortunately, my dad is the one that cancelled the party.

He did not want his offspring spending all that time driving to only stay for an hour or two.

I told Dad we could do something else instead - whatever he wanted. He said he can do that any time.

[Shooby]

Well, when i had my son's 16th birthday party, i planned a nice shindig where he was going to attempt a Man vs Food challenge of eating a giant burger.  I rarely put on that kind of party.  And, of course i KNEW that my SIL would be "too busy" to come and something would be more important than celebrating with us.  So, of course that was the case.  So, i could either be pissed and annoyed she didn't come or say heck with her and forget about it and have fun.  Honestly it just really isn't worth the toll it takes on you to think about it more than 10 seconds.  Carry on in whatever way seems fun to you.

[Shooby]

Oct 6, 2013 8:57:24 GMT -5 @bluester said:

Unfortunately, my dad is the one that cancelled the party.

He did not want his offspring spending all that time driving to only stay for an hour or two.

I told Dad we could do something else instead - whatever he wanted. He said he can do that any time.

Well, then just plan a nice restaurant dinner and show up and take him out for an awesome meal and celebrate there.  Or, just show up en masse with whomever wishes to celebrate with cake and food.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Maybe your father is secretly disappointed that some of his spawn aren't truly committing to the event, so he's using the drive time as an excuse.

If your father is deserving of it (most are but there are always a few), then call your siblings out on their piss-poor attitudes and tell them to BE THERE.  

I mean, it's not like you sprung the date and plans on them.  Oy.  

[Shooby]

  And, then if they don't show then what?  A family fight ensues and then dad is MORE upset over the family fight than someone not coming to his birthday.
  If you want to "demand" your sibs do something, i guess you may.  But, as i said you don't control other people only yourself.  Certainly you can tell them you are disappointed .   But, a family fight would be far more upsetting to him.
  And, just because they can't make it doens't mean they don't care or won't celebrate in other ways.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I guess it would depend on which side of it I was on. 
Did you ask so it dates that would work, or did you just send a save the date card? My work takes me a lot of time outside of school hours. I don't get to go to my n iece's wedding next June because she picked the same day as my high school's graduation. It doesn't matter that she picked the date 11 months in advance. I have to work that day. I can't call in sick, I can't take a personal day, and I can't switch with someone. 

I realize this this example might be exceptionally different from what you're referring to, but life is complex and being human is hard. We all make choices. I know I make choices based on what's best for my children and then what's best for me. And, yes our family did drive to my MIL's 80th birthday lunch. It is a six hour round trip. We were there for two hours. It was a pain in the ass and the food was not good. I would have much rathered stayed home that day because a day of rest would have been nice, but being there for two hours was all we could give. That not being appreciated would have been annoying. 

[Deleted]

We all agreed on the date. We figured out the first weekend everyone would be available.

I talked to Dad today and he said he definitely wants it cancelled. He said he would be worried about them traveling that much and not enjoy himself.

[Peace Of Mind]

I would be disappointed too.  We  had an 80th birthday party for MIL back in March that was nice but she made her daughter promise to not do another one until her 90th.  She added that she hoped she'd not be around by then.  LOL!  She does not enjoy parties nor does she like being the center of attention.  She very much appreciated it but it's just not her thing.

Maybe you can take him out for a nice dinner with those that can make it and have a cake to celebrate his birthday then.  I have no doubt he'll appreciate it and it can be a little surprise for him too.

[gooddecisions]

First of all, if people want to drive (up to) 2 hours and just stay the day, let them! Up to 2 hours is not a big deal for a day trip. Your dad doesn't need to be involved in those details. I'd much rather make it a day trip and go home and sleep in my own bed (especially if I were bringing kids- it cuts down on expense and discomfort)- even if it meant driving (up to) 4 hours in a single day. If somebody told me I had to stay the night, or not bother coming- I'd be tempted to skip it, too. Especially since I don't like staying in motels, yuck. Let people know the range of time and decide for themselves if they want to spend the night or just stay the day.

We just had one for my FIL's 70th birthday. I fully expected the ones coming from 2 hours away to end up just staying the day. We had accommodations for anyone who wanted to stay. Turns out everyone had such a good time, that they all stayed the night. Take the pressure off staying overnight and you may be surprised.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Go ahead with your plans. It sounds like dad is trying to give you an easy-out by saying he doesn't want a party.

He's probably equally disappointed that some of the other family may not make it, but that should be their guilt - not yours. They knew the date and had already agreed to it.

Go ahead and have a celebration anyway - with or without them. Choose a nice restaurant, and tell them that's where you'll be if they "care to show up" and honor your dad's big day.

[gooddecisions]

Also, we did not get my FIL involved in any of the details of the day. We let all 5 siblings and their families know 4 months in advance and kept everyone out of the planning. Location, date and time range and what they could expect as far as accommodations is all they needed to know. I hosted at my house since we were the ones who took the initiative. Talk among the siblings, but stop talking to your dad about what will or won't happen. No wonder he told you to cancel, his feelings are already (unnecessarily) hurt and he's feeling pressure over who's driving how far. It may change 10 times over the next 3 months and he doesn't need to be involved in the drama.

[Deleted]

My dad is the type that would not go if he did not feel like it. I would hate to plan something and have him say "I'm not going." When we were planning the party, we had to make sure it was something he would do and agreed to. He's 80 - he won't change.

[gooddecisions]

You missed my point, of course he should know when and where- that's been decided. He just doesn't need to be involved in the day to day drama of who's driving when from where and if they are staying over night. Talk to your siblings again, confirm that everyone can still make it as planned (even if it means not staying the night) and then tell him "hey, the party is still on". If you even want to do anymore. Sounds like you're over it. Good luck. Sibling relationships are complicated.

[Deleted]

Now that the date is near, two of them said they aren't staying long.

Yes, it would bother me, for sure. But your dad not having a party would bother me more. But which two can't make it / stay long? If they are both your two siblings, I can see your dad wanting to cancel. But if they are your siblings' kids and / or grandkids, or even one sibling, the bigger the family gets, the harder it will be to get that many people together. 

In that case, I'd encourage those who "can't stay long" to skip it all together so your dad doesn't worry about them, and encourage your dad to celebrate with those who can and who won't be in a rush.

Also, if it's a weekend, maybe the other weekend night would work better? Dunno, just a thought. Like others say, 2h each way isn't the end of the world, they don't have to do it every weekend. 

Are they running to another event? Is paying for the motel the hardship? Can you call them and see what the problem is?

Good luck, I hope it works out. Like I said I'd be mad / sad / upset too. 

[gooddecisions]

Reread the original post, nobody said they couldn't make it- just that they "couldn't stay long". The response could have been "great! I'm glad you can make it!" But, instead dad got involved in the details and it was "well that's too far to drive to not stay long, party is canceled!". hmmmm. I wouldn't want to stay at a motel either if I wasn't driving from that far away, but I hate motels. I'd start the party at noon instead of the evening, that way there is still plenty of time to hang out while not getting up too early and not driving too late.

[Deleted]

Reread the original post, nobody said they couldn't make it- just that they "couldn't stay long".

If you are talking to me, gooddecisions, my reading comprehension is pretty good. As proven in the first line of my post. Either way, it doesn't sound like they are exactly enthusiastic, does it?! 

ETA: If the issue is paying for a hotel, I agree, lunch could be another option. I suggested switching it to the other weekend night, but lunch could be a good idea too. 

[gooddecisions]

She said 2 couldn't stay long and the others [who want to say overnight] see him all the time. So, everyone can make it.

[Deleted]

OK, technically you are right.

But I'm reading between the lines (gasp!) and assuming that the OP and the Birthday Boy know exactly how long these people can stay, and it obviously wasn't long enough for the Birthday Boy to NOT cancel his celebration.

So despite the fact they everybody can TECHNICALLY make it, there is visibly still a problem. If there wasn't, the OP would have posted "We're making my dad an 80th birthday party and I'm so happy that everybody can make it!" Which was NOT the case. 

In fact, if that were the case, the OP probably wouldn't have posted at all.

So, I'm trying to be constructive. 

[gooddecisions]

And...that is why sibling relationships suck. Everyone has to control everyone- up to and including how long is long enough- and can't just be happy they can make it.

[Deleted]

And...that is why sibling relationships suck. Everyone has to control everyone- up to and including how long is long enough- and can't just be happy they can make it.


Now I can't help but question YOUR reading comprehension skills, gooddecisions. Where does it say that the OP, the SIBLING of which you speak, cancelled the party? I read that the DAD cancelled it.  

Bluester, I really hope things work out. I would talk to those who can't make it, and see if you can arrange for a lunch or the other weekend night instead. And if even one of the other siblings could make it, I'd try to get your dad to hold the party anyway.

ETA: Other thought: change the venue and make it a bit closer / easier for the others? Is it "fair"? No, but that's not what matters here. It could be an idea for a "good compromise". If you are one of the sibs who lives close to your dad, you could make a two-night thing out of it, and have fun taking an extra night to all get there before the party, or take an extra night to all get back home afterwards. 

[gooddecisions]

Well, I'll go ahead and bet my bank account when OP heard that so and so wasn't going to stay the night complained to dad that so and so wasn't going to stay very long (and what should we do...negative this and negative that and they suck since it's your 80th birthday and you don't see them that much anyway, blah, blah, blah) and got him involved in the drama. So, he did what any other guest of honor who doesn't want the drama and stress and canceled.

[Deleted]

Bless you dear. I'm sure your optimism is a great joy to those in your day-to-day life. 

[gooddecisions]

Haha, I'm just sayin'. We have 12 siblings between us and that's how it usually works. And each (my husband and I) of our parents have 5 of their own. If it went down any other way, the post would have been "we're planning a party for dad's 80th birthday, everyone can make it but dad heard a few weren't going to stay the night. How do we convince dad that it's still worth throwing the party?".

ETA- things went smoothly for my FIL's party and all siblings made it, but I've learned how not to control everyone and every detail. Part of the success was only sharing the positive news with FIL. Not the negative news like one siblings wife and kids wouldn't make it- instead focused on the fact that the brother who was the son could make it.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I would be upset, but at the same time; their loss is their choice, and your gain.  It sounds like you are sure that your Dad really doesn't want the party now, so he isn't just trying to get you to throw it anyway.

I may have missed it, but what was the reason the others "can't stay long".  Was it that they had other plans the next day?  Was it money?  Its never an easy issue.  Some people just won't commit to anything in case something better comes along.

[Deleted]

Oct 6, 2013 15:21:16 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Well, I'll go ahead and bet my bank account when OP heard that so and so wasn't going to stay the night complained to dad that so and so wasn't going to stay very long (and what should we do...negative this and negative that and they suck since it's your 80th birthday and you don't see them that much anyway, blah, blah, blah) and got him involved in the drama. So, he did what any other guest of honor who doesn't want the drama and stress and canceled.

I don't take checks.

[tloonya]

Oct 6, 2013 7:39:22 GMT -5 @bluester said:

I don't know if I am mad, sad, or disappointed - maybe all three.

My Dad's 80th birthday is coming up. We have been planning a family get together for at least five months. We did a "save the date" thing. It is for immediate family only - my two siblings, their total of four kids and three grandkids. We picked a central location; the furthest anyone would have to go is two hours (we all live in the same state). We were going to meet at a motel and hang out for the evening.

Now that the date is near, two of them said they aren't staying long. UGH! The party has been cancelled. The ones that can make it, see Dad all of the time. Dad does not want the family spending a total of four hours on the road to only stay for a short time.

Would that bother you? We are lucky he made it to 80 but they don't seem to realize that. 

See, if those siblings are on verge of losing jobs they might be afraid to leave. Or if they are short on money they might be refusing because of that. I had lost a few friends because we couldn't spare $100 per BDay twice per month and come to the parties.
I have tons of things to do with those hundreds except wasting it frivolousely.
Ask why and maybe you will understand. Have them coming anytime after.