Delivering a difficult message to an employee

[formerroomate99]

Sept 24, 2013 15:09:10 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 24, 2013 14:04:22 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

I have to be honest,  I don't really 'get' that women are perceived as bitchy if they are assertive.   Personally I deal with both on a daily basis and can tell the difference.   Maybe it's just me,  but I guess I don't see the double standard as much if at all anymore.  I'm fully aware that it existed at some point,  but with the proliferation of women in the workforce it's more or less boiled down to personality.  

I disagree, at least at the company I'm at now. Men and women can and do act very differently, with wildly different results here. It may vary by geography, company, industry?

Certainly.  It could also be a case where women can be assertive, but they can't be assertive in the same ways that men are assertive.   

[zibazinski]

[Deleted]

I certainly see the double standard between men and women at my job. But no, even if I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt, this was b!tchy, not assertive.

I had the discussion with her the other day and said that she needed to watch her tone. I told her that I understood that she was frustrated, and that I would be giving feedback to the other person on what they did that was frustrating, but that she needed to watch her own reaction.

She took it reasonably well. She actually brought it up to complain about the other person. I let hr vent about it for a few minutes and then went back with my feedback. I got a lot of the 'but she annoyed me' as a response, but did my best to deflect it.

[Nazgul Girl]

Sept 27, 2013 10:38:10 GMT -5 @monkeyunderpants said:

I certainly see the double standard between men and women at my job. But no, even if I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt, this was b!tchy, not assertive.

I had the discussion with her the other day and said that she needed to watch her tone. I told her that I understood that she was frustrated, and that I would be giving feedback to the other person on what they did that was frustrating, but that she needed to watch her own reaction.

She took it reasonably well. She actually brought it up to complain about the other person. I let hr vent about it for a few minutes and then went back with my feedback. I got a lot of the 'but she annoyed me' as a response, but did my best to deflect it.

   I'm glad that you had that talk with her, MUP.   Seriously, if I could be nasty at my job because someone "annoyed" me, I'd probably be going on trial for assault or possibly attempted murder charges.   I'm either a bitch, or I work with really annoying people.  Oh wait, I'm a medical coder.   Both are true.

[raeoflyte]

How old is this person?

I would be mortified if my boss had to sit me down about something like that.

[zibazinski]

Sometimes you just miss stuff. I was used to teaching older kids. When I went down to el Ed, I was fine with grades 3-5 because they were reasonably mature. Little ones couldn't get a joke, as in it was well known I LOVED chocolate so when it came close to Halloween, I joked that good grades could be had for chocolate and that I could be bribed. Older kids got it and laughed about it. Little kids thought I was serious and actually brought me chocolate. I hope to hell their parents didn't know why as I sheepishly explained to very sincere little kids that it was a joke, I appreciated their thought, but that since I didn't really give grades, it was not going to work. I stopped making that joke after that.    I could just imagine some parent thinking I was serious and complaining to the principal who would just love to call me on the carpet for that because she loved to rag on the only two in PE who actually did their job, according to my one co-worker who got ragged on as well by her.

[Deleted]

Sept 28, 2013 7:45:21 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

How old is this person?

I would be mortified if my boss had to sit me down about something like that.

You know, I actually don't know how old she is.  I am guessing she is around my age (40) or maybe a little bit older?  Not sure.  She could be a few years younger for all I know.

but, effectively, we are the same age.  She's not fresh out of college, nor has she been working for 50 years.

[formerroomate99]

Some people are just rather nieve about human nature for their age.  Hopefully, the good advice and mentoring you're giving will yeild some results.