My family loves being together

[thyme4change]

My stupid family (extended family) all love each other.  Everyone gets along.  We like a lot of the same things, etc.

The problem - one part of the family lives almost as far away as they can be and still live in the contiguous 48.  So, we travel there, they travel here, and we travel and meet up places.  In the past 6 years we have had 6 vacations that involved us traveling to be with family - not including the weekends that we had to travel within AZ to go to graduations and weddings - all involving an overnight stay.  And my family doesn't go on the cheap - we fly, we rent condos, we rent cars and we do stuff - like skiing and rafting - activities that all cost money.  It isn't unusual that a vacation with our family costs more than a vacation we take with just us, even though we just pay our own way.  But, we always have a good time.  

However, I'm a little sick on not being in charge of my own vacation time and dollars.  My family is all in a different phase than I am - they are either retired, unemployed (housewives?), or have been with their company so long that they have 5 weeks of vacation.  They also are a little older, all make/have good money, and their kids are all grown (next youngest niece is 20.)  So, they can do these vacations, and do other things if they want - but I'm in more of an either-or situation.  Either I go with my family and go where they want and do what they want, or they all go, and I'm excluded (have I told you all that I have a big huge 5th wheel complex with my family, and being left out is the worst thing in the world that can ever happen to me?)

Last New Year's we took a giant family ski trip - it was great, and took 4 days of vacation time, and cost us ~$5k.  But this summer, we didn't do a family trip, so we did what we have really wanted to do, which was go to NYC.  I haven't added up what that costs - but let's just estimate it at somewhere around "buttload."  Now, they are asking if we can fly back to the northeast for New Year's to be together and celebrate my nephew's graduation.  Because we would all go, I would have to get a hotel and rent a car.  If we change planes 19 times and leave at 5 am, airline tickets would cost $2400 for the 4 of us.  


GRrrrrr - does anyone else have a family like this?  I guess I'll just pass.  And they will probably get all stinky with me when I magically come up with the money for us to go to Disneyland or something.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

I have family like this.  With the HUGE exceptions of a. we all live within 30 minutes of each other and b. the grandparents are the retired ones, everyone else works.  The kids are in school ranging from mine in preschool/kindergarten to just finishing up a Masters. 

And most importantly, no one makes a big deal when someone else can't make it. 

I'm sorry Thyme. 

[thyme4change]

I'm guessing that nobody will make too big of a deal if we don't make it - at least not to my face.  God only knows what they have been saying behind my back for years, so I'm not sure why I should care now.

[busymom]

Thyme, you just can't do everything.  (At least, to keep your sanity.)  I'd take a pass.  Maybe mention you've used up all your vacation time this year.... 

[Deleted]

The solution is obvious; quit your job so you have more vacation time!

Easy, peazy. Most of my friends seemed to have taken that route.

[midjd]

Do you want to go to the Northeast? Or would you rather go somewhere else? If my family were traveling somewhere I wanted to go anyway, I'd probably take the trip - but if not, I'd decline. It's certainly not unreasonable to want to spend limited vacation time/money doing what you want to do with the people you want to do it with. 

Ever since DH and I started dating, we (well, I) have no longer been invited to my family's annual trip to Destin. I usually find out about it by seeing the pictures on Facebook. It wouldn't sting so much if my sister's BF wasn't always invited...  It sucks, so I can understand the need to feel included, and the worry about what happens to your standing invite if you decline for a year or two straight. (Most years either the timing was bad or we had no money, but it would've still been nice to have had the option.)

[muttleynfelix]

Aug 27, 2013 9:39:32 GMT -5 busymom said:

Thyme, you just can't do everything.  (At least, to keep your sanity.)  I'd take a pass.  Maybe mention you've used up all your vacation time this year.... 

Although that does not seem to work for my Grandma.... I wonder what she is going to say at Christmas if we can't go this year because I spent a week in the hospital (I will probably take the time off without pay, but it will majorly blow to be bitched at because of that).

[Deleted]

For the past few years we have taken week long vacations with both my family and my inlaws.   The good thing is that in both cases we do not have to pay for the lodging.   The bad thing is that 2 weeks is just about all my vacation time, so that is it. 

You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both
And there you have

[Deleted]

Face it thyme, you're the poor relations. You have to fess up that you can't do every family event and when you do you have to do it on the cheap. Drive for 2 days instead of fly, sleep on relatives couches, skip the activities...

[Deleted]

We have families that would occupy all of our time if we let them.  They want us to go to all of their parties, all of my cousins parties, and want us to go on vacation with them.  If we can't go (because of work), they want to take our kids to go.  

We are the only ones (on either side) with kids yet so that's a big reason why we're in high demand, but I don't see it dying down when my siblings have kids.  The thing that annoys me is when they hassle me about going places.  Just this past weekend, I get a phone call from my mom, a call a few hours later from my dad, and then my sister texts me and says to call my mom back.  All of this while we were out doing stuff with our kids, feeding them, and then in the process of putting them to bed.  The big question that was so urgent was if we're going to go to some stupid labor day BBQ at my aunts house?!?!?!

My parents would like us to go on vacation with them, but I am not going to use up my vacation on that.  i have 2 weeks off per year and at least 1 full week I do vacations with nobody except my wife/kids.   

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

My family is scattered from shore to shore, but do not spend every vacation seeing them.  I saw my sister and brother when I moved a couple months ago, and we will be going up to my dad's for Thanksgiving.

We have gone to Mexico with my sister and her family, were supposed to go again a couple months after I got sick.  But we would not do every vacation, all vacation time.  I wouldn't want it with TD's family, and don't expect it with mine either.

[sheilaincali]

My immediate family all lives either in the same town or a 4 hour car ride away.  So that's not too painful.  My aunts/uncles and cousins are all relatively close in distance except for a couple that are a plane ride away.
No one ever gets their nose out of joint if people can't make it to the family event.  We are down to one big event each year- Christmas in January at my parents house.  Everyone is invited and everyone that can make it is welcome.  Those that can't get phone calls and face time in to share happy holiday wishes. 

I say agree to go to the things you actually want to go to and give your sincere regrets for the rest. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH's family is like that.  Every holiday is about them.  MIL expects me to give gifts to every freaking relation she has that graduates/marries/has a baby.

I made myself unpopular by telling her "no".  We'd be bankrupt if we sent money to every kid she knows graduating!  I don't even know who this person is why am I giving them money? Now she does it and puts our name on it.  Whatever.

I've had to really fight with DH on holidays.  We had a blow-out shortly before we got married when I told him my family didn't cease to exist when he put a ring on my finger and his family is not the center of the damn universe.

Thanksgiving was the worst because they would tell everyone all year nothing was planned.  Then Thanskgiving day call and expect us all to show up for dinner.  I told DH my family booked it a year in advance, he can go alone to his I'm not missing mine because his family can't coordinate.

I must not be the only bitchy in-law because last year they switched to having it on Black Friday.

We haven't done vacations with them.  DH suggested we all take a cruise.  I told him if I'm stuck on a boat with his mom, SIL and nephew I can assure him somebody is going to end up overboard.  He wants to do a family vacay it needs to be one where I can escape as needed.

[greeniis10]

DH's family is like that.  Well, mainly his mom.  She tries to monopolize all of our time.  I quietly opt out.  If DH wants to attend every event she demands, then go right ahead.  Leaves me free time to do whatever I want.  Second marriages are nice that way.  (Or maybe I'm a terrible person and no one else is like this?)

Thyme, what I would do is set a precedent and compromise: every other year take a vacation for only your family and in the years in between do the whole family thing.  Alternate.  Would that maybe work?  It's nice that the family gets along, but you still have the right to choose your own vacations!

[973beachbum]

DH's family is like that.  My family lives half on this coast although not that near us and the other half by you Thyme.  We talk on the phone and email the half in Phoenix and I drove up to see the half on the East coast at least once a year since we moved here.  I just eventually had had enough.  Not once in 26 years has anyone ever come to visit us.  Most of the people on this board have my address or could find it in five minutes if you wanted so it isn't like where we live is a state secret.

DH used to want to visit his family every year for our vacation in the summer.  He finally realized that if he burned our total vacation time visiting his family, who also never visits us, I would pick up one of those guns they leave all over the place and figure out how to shoot.  

Drama want to go oon vacation together without either of our in/out laws?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Drama want to go oon vacation together without either of our in/out laws

Can we leave the husbands and kids at home too?

[973beachbum]

Aug 27, 2013 12:48:37 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Drama want to go oon vacation together without either of our in/out laws

Can we leave the husbands and kids at home too?

I thought that was understood.

My Dd is a teenager who likes to babysit though.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

::packs bag and leaves note on the counter::

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I dealt with the same stuff for years, although most of my family lives locally. 

There was just this expectation that I had to drop everything on *my* schedule to meet their schedules.

I finally decided that this is *MY* life and I want to spend it doing what *I* want to do.  If what I want to do coincides with what they want, great, I go with great enthusiasm.  If not, I send my regrets with a brief explanation of the schedule conflict and I'm done.

What's the line from Ricky Nelson's "Garden Party"?  "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself."

[Phoenix84]

No, my extended family doesn't give a rat's ass what I do with my vacation time or if I visit or not.  No one besides my parents has ever come to visit me, and I rarely visit them.  Last time I saw my extended family on my dad's side was 2010.  I'll see a couple of them when we take a shared trip in October.  I'll usually see my extended family on my mom's side once a year around the holidays, for an evening.  That's about it.

I understand about vacation time.  I have four weeks and taking time off to visit my folks over the holidays takes about 1/3 of that.  It goes faster than you'd think.

[imawino]

We went on vacation with the sweetie's mother, sister and BIL this summer.  There's a week of my life I'll never get back.  Ugh.

The "upside" is that the sweetie was so put off by the experience that he looked at me off and on and just blurted out things like "never again" or "lesson learned" so I don't think we are planning another one!

I personally don't have much in the way of family - I try to spend a few day's at my father's house (he lives several hundred miles away) every year, but that's it.

[Deleted]

Since it looks like you will be going back to work FT (I think, maybe you already have?) could you negotiate an extra week off as part of your compensation package? I may be wrong but I think your issue is as much about time off as money. 

Also there is nothing wrong with going without DH and /  or the kids, occasionally. Obviously you don't want to do that all the time, and I'm sure you don't want to do it for NY either. But sometimes, it can be an option. I think you know my DH is British. When all four kids were younger and at home, it just wasn't always feasible to all go over to England for certain occasions, even though we adore each other. So sometimes DH went on his own. Sometimes he took one of the kids with him. Sometimes I went to the US on my own, or with just one kid. Sometimes we went together.

Admittedly, those occasions never preempted a "family vacation". But, they kept things reasonable in terms of time off and / or money. 

[Deleted]

Why not change up & do an extended family vacation every other year.  Just let the family know that you need some family alone vaca time, but have limited time off and funds, so you need to alternate years for family.

It really sounds like you love the family vacas, but just want more vacation time 

[thyme4change]

Aug 27, 2013 10:10:26 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

Face it thyme, you're the poor relations. You have to fess up that you can't do every family event and when you do you have to do it on the cheap. Drive for 2 days instead of fly, sleep on relatives couches, skip the activities...

I can't drive either - I don't have enough vacation time.  Although we did drive on the last vacation when my sister flew.  I'm glad we drove.  We enjoyed the journey. 

We probably have, roughly, the same amount of money that everyone else has (except my parents), especially when adjusted for the fact that we are 10 years younger, so we have 10 more years of working and saving in our future.  But, neither of my sisters have the same in-law expectations that we do.  We have to split our time a little more carefully.  Not that I would want their in-law problems.  

[Deleted]

I was actually being more of a smart ass about it

[973beachbum]

Aug 28, 2013 9:33:31 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Aug 27, 2013 10:10:26 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

Face it thyme, you're the poor relations. You have to fess up that you can't do every family event and when you do you have to do it on the cheap. Drive for 2 days instead of fly, sleep on relatives couches, skip the activities...

I can't drive either - I don't have enough vacation time.  Although we did drive on the last vacation when my sister flew.  I'm glad we drove.  We enjoyed the journey. 

We probably have, roughly, the same amount of money that everyone else has (except my parents), especially when adjusted for the fact that we are 10 years younger, so we have 10 more years of working and saving in our future.  But, neither of my sisters have the same in-law expectations that we do.  We have to split our time a little more carefully.  Not that I would want their in-law problems.  

ARe their kids also ten years older than yours?  It could be that because they are in a different stage in life the vacations with their now adult brothers and sisters is much more important to them.  I know we only have a few more years to do the family vacations with the kids.  I thought you were also keenly aware of how much time you have left to do the family vacation road trip with your kids type thing.  I could see your older sibs being done with that and really wanting their childhood family vacations to take their place.

Just a thought.

[Shooby]

Create some drama and a big fight.  Then hold a grudge for 10 yrs.  Problem solved!

[thyme4change]

Aug 28, 2013 10:06:24 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

Aug 28, 2013 9:33:31 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I can't drive either - I don't have enough vacation time.  Although we did drive on the last vacation when my sister flew.  I'm glad we drove.  We enjoyed the journey. 

We probably have, roughly, the same amount of money that everyone else has (except my parents), especially when adjusted for the fact that we are 10 years younger, so we have 10 more years of working and saving in our future.  But, neither of my sisters have the same in-law expectations that we do.  We have to split our time a little more carefully.  Not that I would want their in-law problems.  

ARe their kids also ten years older than yours?  It could be that because they are in a different stage in life the vacations with their now adult brothers and sisters is much more important to them.  I know we only have a few more years to do the family vacations with the kids.  I thought you were also keenly aware of how much time you have left to do the family vacation road trip with your kids type thing.  I could see your older sibs being done with that and really wanting their childhood family vacations to take their place.

Just a thought.

Yes - there is a 10 year age gap between my oldest and the next youngest niece.  There is a 16 year age gap between my youngest and the oldest. 

These family vacations include all the nieces and nephews as well as my sisters, brothers in law and my parents.

[Shooby]

  I was always envious of people with big families and who have family reunions and the like.  I have very little in the way of relatives and family.  My sis lives hours away and she is kind of a loner.  Both sets of parents are deceased.  My brother is deceased.  We never really interacted with aunts, uncles or cousins.  When i was really young, there were some family gatherings at grandma's.  But, when grandma died, everyone just went their own way.  My mom's brothers have NEVER visited her except to maybe stop for a hour when passing through town.  They have NEVER visited to visit even though she had visted them.  Yes, they showed up for weddings and funerals and that's it.
  So our family gatherings are me, DH and the kids.  I always wondered what it would be like to have all the family drama, the crazy uncle who came to dinner, and so forth. 

[thyme4change]

Shooby - I've often said that we needed a crazy uncle, so our family wouldn't be so boring.  My husband and I have tried to step up and do stuff like drink too much, and tell off-color jokes and stuff.  We don't have the guts to be really controversial.