Opti
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Post by Opti on Aug 12, 2013 7:16:54 GMT -5
Maybe just keep it short and simple and express what you posted here. Something like:
I can't imagine going through your situation. I've been unable to find words to express how I feel and how much I want to reach out and support you. Know you are in my thoughts and I wish peace and better days ahead for you.
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Aug 12, 2013 7:18:08 GMT -5
I would make it simple. If the person is an old friend then they are able to read between the lines.
Dear _____
I'm so very sorry to hear _________. You know I'm here for you in any way I am able to help. Please feel free to give me a call whenever you need me.
Love to you always.
Wrongside
Something like that, but with the emotion you have. She/he will feel the emotion. That's the part that counts.
Good luck.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 12, 2013 7:24:04 GMT -5
I find the opening sentences the hardest. After you reach out to someone, it usually gets easier.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Aug 12, 2013 7:24:08 GMT -5
I wouldn't get too specific about their situation. Basically, you heard they were going through a tough situation, & you want them to know you are in their corner. (Praying for them, thinking about them, however you want to phrase it). Also, "I'm here for you".
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2013 7:49:11 GMT -5
I think the act of you reaching out, is far more important than the words you say, when you do. There's never a good time, for bad stuff to happen. -Or something to that effect. Sorry you're going through this. (that your friend is) Good suggestions have been given. Although this is a hard topic to address, I think this is a great thread.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 12, 2013 8:04:27 GMT -5
"Thinking of you at this sad time".....is usually a good place to start. "I don't really have the words".........is an honest admission and not a bad thing to say "But I want you to know I'm here if you need me"....an offer of help.
Like has been said, keep it short and comfortable for you both.....
Get it sent, rather than worry about it.... because the fact that you are reaching out is more important.
... let the friend dictate the pace.
That is horrifying... which makes it all the more important that you do send your message. Keep it light, friendly and supportive. She is primarily a friend not victim....and need human kindness.
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naturallyfrugal
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Post by naturallyfrugal on Aug 12, 2013 8:30:19 GMT -5
I agree with the short and simple letter letting her know that you're there for her for anything - help, talking, etc... Are you sending a letter because you no longer live near one another or because you're not sure of your reaction if you visit her in the hospital? I'm not trying to be nosey, I think I would break down if I visited a friend in the hospital who had experienced that - break down because of everything she has suffered.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Aug 12, 2013 8:57:17 GMT -5
What your friend has been through, and is going through, is horrific. I think it will mean a lot that you reached out. Probably most people won't, which will make it even more significant, that you did. Maybe it will rekindle the closeness that you once shared. If that's not something that you'd ultimately like to happen, (nothing wrong with feeling that way) don't be too 'gushy' in your note, or responses afterward. Acknowledge the past, but don't push for the future, if you know what I mean. Set boundaries you can live with. Super nice of you to be so thoughtful and caring! ~♥~
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 12, 2013 9:01:00 GMT -5
You could send a card to the hospital.......then arrange a visit when she gets back to her parents.
Keep it light, talk about High School, the weather, anything... and let her and her parents dictate the pace.....Just being there is enough.
I was going to say that......Its better to not get wrapped up in the horror of it all.....and probably not what she needs. She will know you are there for her....It doesn't need explanations. You both know what is happening. A pleasant supportive visit which is leaves you both in a better place.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Aug 12, 2013 9:05:48 GMT -5
I've been trying to write a letter for a couple of days now. Everything I try to say sounds stupid and meaningless. Something horrific happened to an old friend and I want to reach out, but there are just no words. Have you guys been in this situation? What are some kind words that you have said to people that have had bad things done to them? Yes....my dearest friend lost his son last year. The one year anniversary is coming up. I've written a letter since the boy's passing, as well as a holiday card and a Father's Day card. I wept over every one of them. I plan to write an anniversary letter as well. There are few good words in a case like this, especially from someone who never had kids, much less ever lost a child. I'm clueless as to that kind of pain. I can't say I know how the parent feels, and saying that the child is in a better place is just stupid, lame and senseless. I tell my friend that my cellphone is on for him, and stopping what I am doing to listen to him, any time of day or night is not, and will never be an issue. You know how some people say they'll be a good enough friend to be there for someone in the middle of the night? For this man, I am that friend. We've sat up and cried and talked and looked at old photos. He's talked about the things he wants to do to honor his son, and I've promised him whatever help I can provide, I will. I've assured him that no matter what he decides to do with his life, and where he decides to go, his son's spirit will be there with him, as will the love and support of all of his friends. You never lose any of those things, even when the physical life leaves this world. Don't wait for your friend to reach for you, wrongside. You reach out first, and keep reaching. Tell your friend you're sorry, and then just listen. ETA: I just read your post describing what happened to your friend. May the person who did this to her be caught (if he has not been), convicted and rot in hell. It will not change what happened, but it will keep him from doing it to anyone else.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Aug 12, 2013 9:15:53 GMT -5
I am so sorry your friend experienced this. Horrifying.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 12, 2013 9:16:15 GMT -5
That's true.....Don't ever try to justify something. Some things are just never justifiable. I got upset when someone patted me on the arm at my fathers funeral and said "Its for the best" I'm stood with a pot of ashes that is all I have left of my father, who didn't want to die....How on earth is this "for the best"? I guess people just stumble over what to say so just go for inappropriate clichés. Someone else said, "I've just lost my dog so I know how you feel" Dear oh dear.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2013 9:27:02 GMT -5
ETA: I just read your post describing what happened to your friend. May the person who did this to her be caught (if he has not been), convicted and rot in hell. It will not change what happened, but it will keep him from doing it to anyone else. How horrible. I agree with keeping the letter short and sweet. Long, drawn out sympathy might feel like the right thing to do, but it will probably just make her feel worse.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Aug 12, 2013 9:30:49 GMT -5
Don't reference what happened.
Just say "You are in my thoughts and prayers (if appropriate). I'm here for you to help in anyway I can, let me know when you are ready for some company."
My hopes for a good recovery for your friend.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 12, 2013 9:34:21 GMT -5
I'm so, so sorry for your friend.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 12, 2013 9:58:00 GMT -5
That's horrible, may her attacker rot in hell.
Instead of trying to write a letter, why not send a Get Well Card signed "I'm here for you, if there is anything I can do please contact me" Along with your contact information.
Then stop by her parents' house if she's there with a casserole or a sack of groceries. They probably aren't going to be doing a lot of cooking/shopping during her first few days home.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Aug 12, 2013 10:15:15 GMT -5
That's horrible, may her attacker rot in hell. Instead of trying to write a letter, why not send a Get Well Card signed "I'm here for you, if there is anything I can do please contact me" Along with your contact information. Then stop by her parents' house if she's there with a casserole or a sack of groceries. They probably aren't going to be doing a lot of cooking/shopping during her first few days home.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Aug 12, 2013 10:21:58 GMT -5
What you actually say is less important than saying something. I do like the phrase, "Please know I am here for you.... You are in my heart and prayers".... along that line.
What will matter is that you reached out.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 12, 2013 10:38:43 GMT -5
I agree with Drama. If her parents live close to you reach out to them as well and offer whatever you're willing to offer them - bring over a casserole, stay with your friend if they need to go out, etc.
I agree with everyone else's thoughts on the note to her and the horribleness of it all.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Aug 12, 2013 12:25:26 GMT -5
Ugh, I'm SO sorry for you and your friend! That makes me ill just reading it.
As usual, great advice has already been given. This will be a long recovery for her. I would keep checking in on her regularly and let her know that you are there for her for the long haul, if that's what she wants. If she's open and receptive to your reaching out I would make a habit of it weekly, monthly, whatever is fitting for your and her situations. Knowing you aren't going away after the initial shock wears off should be a comfort to her.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 12, 2013 13:04:56 GMT -5
Oh, Wrongside. I am so sorry for your friend. That is every woman's nightmare. My heart breaks for her.
I think I would send flowers to the hospital to give her something pretty to look at and that may take her mind off what she is going through for a second or two. And she'll know she is not alone through this horrific journey. Many great suggestions were given already so I have nothing to add. (((Hugs))) and many prayers for her recovery.
I hope she lives in Texas where they fry freaks like him.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 12, 2013 14:01:09 GMT -5
So sorry, Wrongside. My thoughts are with your friend and her family. I think some flowers sent to the hospital with a card that says " You are in my thoughts and prayers " would be good.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 12, 2013 14:17:56 GMT -5
OK, that's pretty horrible. You might consider taking the emotion out of it. Send her a card or note that doesn't say sorry, or get well, or any of those things that just don't seem anywhere near big enough for what she's been through. Instead send a simple "Please let me know if there's anything that I can do to help," and include your contact information. She'll know she's in your thoughts just from you contacting her. You don't have to explain your emotions, and for something like this won't be able to find the right words anyway. There are no right words for something like that. Just let her know you're there and you're willing to help, listen, talk, send a pack of smokes to every inmate who ever beats or rapes her attacker, whatever she needs.
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Jake 48
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Post by Jake 48 on Aug 12, 2013 15:35:27 GMT -5
My prayers and thoughts for your friend, -hug-for you wrongside
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2013 16:15:11 GMT -5
Wrongside, this is just horrific. Kudos to you for reaching out to her. So many people tend to disappear in hard times. Often, I think, because they just don't know what to say.
Sometimes less is more. I'd go with "I'm thinking of you" (or) "You are in my thoughts" and "Please know that I'm here for you".
But I think you also need to follow up. Send another card in a few days, or drop by, or call (the house, not her cell), or drop something off (food or a small gift) at her parents' house, since you know she'll be going there after the hospital. I think Drama's suggestion of food is excellent.
I can't help but wonder if she has kids, given the surgery.
My heart goes out to your friend. And hugs to you for being such a caring person.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 12, 2013 16:18:18 GMT -5
I don't think you can go wrong with most of the advice given. I think I would do something along the lines of sending her flowers (or perhaps a stuffed version of a favorite animal, if you remember that sort of thing) with a note that simply says "I'm here" and make sure you include your contact information. Then, I would also reach out to her parents and let them know that you are willing to help should it be needed. Given that you aren't super close(friendship wise) now, I would not show up on a doorstep, but let the parents know you're around, ask what they need, and maybe call to check up once a week or so if they don't contact you. It's not likely your friend or her parents are going to be in the mood to entertain, and many people, despite offers of help, don't reach out for the help, sometimes because they are too emotionally drained to figure out what they need. So checking in on a regular basis (and letting them know that you'll call again next week), makes it easier for them to ask for what they need.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 12, 2013 17:06:35 GMT -5
Hmmm, I know what you mean. Sometimes you can't just say "yeah, it sucks you're dying in the ICU, sorry about that."
I agree with others that you don't need to get very specific, if they're your friend and you reach out and let them know they're in your thoughts and that you're there for them, that should be enough.
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Aug 12, 2013 17:07:54 GMT -5
I've been trying to write a letter for a couple of days now. Everything I try to say sounds stupid and meaningless. Something horrific happened to an old friend and I want to reach out, but there are just no words. Have you guys been in this situation? What are some kind words that you have said to people that have had bad things done to them? I've had this card for days, each time I go to write in it the only thing that comes to mind is "you're my girl", so I finally decided I'm going to write that and give it to you. Anyone who reads it will likely be puzzled, but hopefully you'll hear me say it from my heart, from my soul, and know and understand exactly what I'm saying. Here goes: Notwrongside, "you're my girl" and I love you. --Lurkin Of course, I can't remember *exactly* what I said, but this is probably the closest I'll get. She called me crying and said it was the best card she'd ever received.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Aug 12, 2013 19:32:59 GMT -5
I don't see the post about what happened to your friend, don't know if it's been deleted or what, but from some of the comments, I can imagine what has happened. A thought for you would be to contact a local women's group that help victims, explain to them what happened and the fact that you are at a loss as to how to comfort your friend, and ask for their help and guidance. They will be really good references for the kinds of things to say/not say, emotions that you might witness from her, and how you can handle those emotions. They can help guide you, and in your way, maybe help your friend in a better/different way than you would think of, not ever having been in this situation. Best of luck to your friend. My thoughts and prayers go out to her and her family, and that you find a way to help comfort her in this difficult time.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 13, 2013 2:49:48 GMT -5
I should just add If you do go to visit her, be prepared to be shocked.... and do your level best not to react. Treat her as a person and not as a victim. Sympathy can wear a bit thin after a while....and a bit of gentle support from an old friend is much better.
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