Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2013 19:43:14 GMT -5
I was really good at handling things until I got pregnant. Now, instead of getting righteously angry and fixing things with logical arguments, I cry. I've also totally lost any decisionmaking ability.* Last Friday I needed to pick up a package at UPS (they close at 6). I arrived at 5:54 and they had already shut the computers down. I started crying. It did not convince them to turn the computers back on. So I had to come back Monday. The package was nothing particularly important and it was no big deal to get it Monday, but I got home and cried my eyes out to DH for probably 15 minutes. It was ridiculous. Luckily this just seems to be true in my personal life - I've been doing really well at work since I got pregnant (which is ironic since my job is to fix things with logical arguments). But it is still annoying. *I suspect both developments are due to the lack of alcohol in my life! I cried because DH didn't want to go to IHop. Then he gave me a gift card to there for Christmas. Smarty pants.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 31, 2013 20:23:44 GMT -5
Mid
I've never been hormonal during any of my pregnancies, but a few days after we brought our oldest son home from the hospital my DH asked me if we had any lettuce for a salad. I started crying non-stop bc 1) I couldn't believe he wanted me to care about lettuce when we just had our 1st child and 2) how dare he asked me about lettuce when I just gave birth and 3) I felt so guilty that my amazing DH, the father on my child didn't have lettuce for his salad.
Can you say "emotional"?
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mrsdutt
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Post by mrsdutt on Jul 31, 2013 20:35:41 GMT -5
I think we all have a button or 2 that can push us into a 'responsive' action. One of my buttons is when a person is lying to me. I get very quiet and speak very low. Meanwhile steam is escaping from my ears. I have no problem calling a person on it. But - only if I give a dang. Otherwise most things go over my head because I just don't expend that much energy on things that don't matter. Or things I have no control over. Congrats MID
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 1, 2013 8:05:12 GMT -5
I used to emotionally react to everything. It sucked. I don't so much anymore. I like it much better. For me, therapy was the answer, since my was more a learned behavior. Drinking would have been the cheaper solution... I was hoping you'd respond. You have me some really good ideas one time when I was in the middle of my bitching session about my IL's. I wish I bookmarked that thread bc I have no idea how to search for one I'm going to send you a PM.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 1, 2013 8:31:22 GMT -5
Mid, I got worked up into a rage when KFC gave me mashed potatoes instead of potato wedges when I was pregnant. DH hid in the corner and kept repeating "Yes dear, I agree dear". I broke down into tears during birthing class when I couldn't get the diaper on the doll. I took it as a sign that I was never meant to be a mother and I was doomed to fail. Never mind diapering one of those is nothing like diapering a real baby that can bend. Then I broke down at Hobby Lobby when I couldn't find DH and I was convinced someone had kidnapped him. DH found me sitting in the parking lot next to the truck crying my eyeballs out. He had been in the bathroom. Any other time that would have been the first place I looked but totally escaped me when I was pregnant.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2013 8:58:59 GMT -5
I'd like to think I handle things gracefully. I am another one with an extremely long fuse and an awful version of myself waiting at the end. DH sees her more often than anyone else! ETA: is anyone else getting the "possible forgery" message when they try to post?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2013 9:13:21 GMT -5
I am a really really nice guy, until i'm not
Twice in 52 years....i havent been
I think most here would call it being pushed to the brink....
Both times I ended up in a cell....both times all charges were dropped, and within a day of the incident.....and both times the other guy ended up in a hospital
once my NCOIC had to bail me out....the other it was my ex.....
i have a really really long fuse.....but it can be lit
so do i handle things gracefully....yes......99.8% of the time
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quince
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Post by quince on Aug 1, 2013 9:22:23 GMT -5
I am professional and calm at work. In the real world, I'm an extremely anxious person and extrapolate disaster from any setback. I was surprisingly OK during my pregnancy, but now that I'm done with that... Fail at breastfeeding, and at first I cried every time I had to feed my child a supplemental bottle of formula. I used to cry every time he cried. Resetting my expectations is hard, but necessary for retention of sanity. I do assume the worst outcome. When disaster actually does hit I tend to deal with it well, because I did expect and plan for it, after all.
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Nazgul Girl
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Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 1, 2013 10:42:21 GMT -5
I thought it was the "squeaky wheel gets the grease"? I'm not always graceful, but I try to be at first. Then I turn on my school teacher voice. It is startlingly effective. What my daughter calls "The Look" (also related to teaching) is equally good. Its subtext is something like, "Really?" I come from an extended family of teachers, and teachers are used to being, well, teachery ( as in highly directive ). My daughter has to be quite authoritative in her classroom due to some circumstances I can't get into here. I don't take teacher looks or voices off my kid, and more than once, I've snarled, " Don't use your f---ing teacher voice on me ! " Then she snaps out of it, and we laugh. So, using the Look or the Voice doesn't always work well.
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Aug 1, 2013 10:47:21 GMT -5
Well if humans ever get mind reading powers I will be in jail. Smile and nod. For me, that means I just attacked you and beat your head into the wall/floor, so I smiled and nodded. I have also learned to insult without them realizing it. At least while I am there.
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Nazgul Girl
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Babysitting our new grandbaby 3 days a week !
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Aug 1, 2013 11:00:04 GMT -5
I used to be a very nice person. Very nice. Then, as I've gotten older, I've had to get more, well, less nice. A failed business, a divorce that took a lot of negotiation, a repayment program for business and personal debts, jobs that involved collecting debts from reluctant insurance companies, and being sued several times by Nutjob #1 with vicious goings on, including being physically confronted by her twice, have made me much less "nice."
I will say that when I encounter someone who just wants to fight or argue because they want to vent their spleen, I just go away. This happens at work quite often, because we have several coders who have personality clashes, and try to keep the pot stirred. At least three of them do it constantly. I refuse to be part of their personality difficulties.
If I have a situation come up that I know will be difficult, I try to plan out what I want to get from it, what points I want to get across, and how I will approach it. My second husband approaches things the same way, so by soem pre-planning, we can save ourselves a lot of emotional turmoil.
If I get surprised or someone is quite belligeran with me for no good reason, then I have been known to go off the hook, and it isn't good. Especially for the recipient.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Aug 1, 2013 11:07:20 GMT -5
my father would tell me you catch more bees with honey than vinegar and my sister always told me treat people the way you want to be treated
I used to believe this 100% but now I believe it about 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time I have learned you must be a bitch in order to make anything happen. I believe its closer to 85-90% of the time...but yeah. I had a disagreement with my online pharmacy who decided to change my migraine prescription to a lower dose after telling my doctor the dose he wrote me was too high. I have been taking that dose for years. The lower dose doesn't work. Nobody bothered telling me they were lowering the dose until it showed up in my mailbox. Problem is...my copay is $200 for 24 pills. The med itself is close to $700. I was livid. Called the pharmacy who insisted they were correct about the dosing. I asked them why all of a sudden I was supposedly taking an overdose for years and years and they were filling it. No answer. They told me I would have to pay another $200 copay for my original Rx dose. I went online to Pfizer and I am correct...the pharmacist is wrong. I sent them an email with the stupid paperwork they sent me saying 40mg is the max dose for the day....on the same exact page of the paperwork they sent me is the manufacturers info says max SINGLE dose is 40mg...max dose in 24 hrs is 80mg. I will be getting the correct dose for free.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 1, 2013 11:45:51 GMT -5
OK that made me laugh.
Pregnancy makes you crazy. I used to sob when coffee commercials came on, when I was pregnant - that one where the son comes home and makes coffee, and everyone rushes downstairs to greet him.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 1, 2013 12:01:40 GMT -5
I always thought I was fairly average, when it comes to how I handle stressful situations.
Then my mom got sick and my sister who lived in the same town as my mom (the rest of us lived 7 +hours away) became unglued. Long nightly emails talking about how her life was ruined, how her Christmas was ruined, how her kids didn't get any Christmas presents because she didn't have time to shop because she was busy with Mom (what, her husband is a stump?)
Our mom had a stroke, not one that affected her physically but it impaired her mental ability. When our sister would go visit her (twice a week) she would come outside, get into her car, call one of us, and have a melt down over the phone. Mom said something mean to her. The nurses were mean to her. She had an argument with the security guard, who was mean to her. The woman that shared Mom's room was mean to her. The social worker chased her across the parking lot, got in a fight with her and was mean to her.
Sister couldn't handle talking to the staff or doctors, so she would call us up hysterial and one of us would have to phone the facility and figure out what REALLY was going on - generally not anything like what sister claimed was happening.
It was so bad we had to move mom away from Sister and closer to me and a second sibling, so we could take care of her without drama. We got her moved in two months - two long months, full of weekly melt downs and daily frantic emails from Sister.
So - maybe I do handle things pretty well, or maybe my sister is just a crazy ass whack job. Personally I'm leaning more to the crazy ass theory.
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cael
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Post by cael on Aug 1, 2013 12:18:39 GMT -5
It depends on the situation for me.... until pretty recently I could handle pretty much anything calmly and gracefully. I have reached my absolute limit of tolerance for certain things/people and have had to catch and stop myself from totally flying off the handle at some things.s Back in the winter something happened at work that wasn't a huge deal but basically was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I lost my shit and cried for an hour and couldn't make myself stop. It was so stupid and annoying and terrible to not be able to stop myself!! But I think it tempered my coworkers enough that some of them toned the drama and complaining down, and it's gotten better. I am literally the last person you will EVER see cry, so they knew shit was getting real at that point. I am way more likely now vs. two years ago to just call someone out to their face on something or tell it like it is, because I'm beyond the point of caring. Make me kind of sad - I used to be able to let everything roll off my back, but I just can't anymore. I'm resentful that work has made me that way. In some ways it's good though because I'm more ok with speaking up about things now.
Now my brother's idiot girlfriend - I just choose to not spend any time with them because I am THIS close to losing my shit on her. Next time she does something shitty in front of me it will happen, and I'd like to delay that as long as I possibly can.
However, today when a truck splashed cooking oil all over our parking lot and my car got covered in it, I really didn't lose my shit! I'm afraid my paint may be messed up but I"m still pretty calm about it. Nothing you can do about that.. I think it's easier for me to be calm when I know I can't change something that's already happened. People and their BS drama can be changed because they could STFU if they chose to.
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Spellbound454
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"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 1, 2013 12:50:16 GMT -5
I never fall apart....There is just more pieces to pick up..... When things get bad I start to make plans on how to make it better. I'm not rude but usually direct and cut to the chase.....A letter to the bank would consist of two lines. Don't see the point of giving out my life story, just let them know what is required and when. If you lose your rag... you place yourself in a position of vulnerability and you have basically have lost the argument. Its far better to remain calm, in control.. and get the outcome you need. Diffuse the situation if someone is kicking off by not taking the bait....or using humour. Its born from years of dealing with teenagers, I suppose, who do their level best to get under your skin....but that's just not going to happen..
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2013 12:51:40 GMT -5
"Think of England", right?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2013 12:56:14 GMT -5
"Beerwench" works in that instance as well!
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Spellbound454
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"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 1, 2013 12:58:53 GMT -5
Absolutely...Don't sweat the small stuff...I couldn't care less.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 1, 2013 14:18:41 GMT -5
I don't know where I'd fall on the spectrum, but I generally don't have a hard time controlling my tempter. I'm also usually pretty good about not letting emotion affect my decision making, especially for big decisions. That said, I am not always as tactful as sometimes I should be, not out of malice but out of being a bit socially awkward at times.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Aug 1, 2013 14:52:56 GMT -5
I've found if you stop and ask yourself "What difference will this <insert disaster of the moment> make in two weeks", it can be helpful to keep yourself in check. The vast majority of the time, calm and logic will serve better than a hissy fit. If, however, calm and logic don't work - it's full speed ahead with the Queen Bitch in reserve.
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tractor
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Post by tractor on Aug 2, 2013 14:01:29 GMT -5
I'm about as calm as anyone can get. I deal with landowners on a daily basis and try to remain calm and even tempered when dealing with them (I work for a public utility). In my previous life I was a consultant and treated everyone like a potential client. It has helped me quite a bit in day to day life. How do I do it? Inside I think everyone is an idiot and I just don't let it get to me. In general I really don't care what most people say/do, but I smile and nod a lot.
I was dealing with some insurance issues just the other day, and instead of getting mad, I let the idiot explain to me why I was wrong, and that it would take them 3-4 weeks to clear things up. I tend to drop subtle hints along the way, and when I left, they knew that their inaction would cause someone great pain (literally, they were with holding my wifes prescription). In the end the had it resolved within 12 hours and she was able to get her meds. I suspect if I had been a jerk, it would have taken 3 weeks.
So the quick answer is I am very graceful, mainly because I really don't give a shit. Remember, the world is full of idiots and you need to not be one of them.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Aug 2, 2013 14:27:58 GMT -5
I have gotten much, much better at this - publicly. I still lose my shit at home - like in the moment I am very calm, but when I get home I bitch about what happened. I still struggle when I am on the phone with any customer service, but I have improved a lot there too. A few things:
1) Realizing most people will try to help you, but they are stupid so they need you to convince them to help you. 2) If I hit a wall with something ask "Ok, where do we go from here/what do we do now?" Make them come up with the next step. 3) Realizing that in the scheme of things, most things just aren't that big of a deal. Parenthood has helped with this - if I can handle an infant hitting me, pooping on me and screaming in my ear simultaneously, I can handle most things that are less terrible than that.
I also get very frustrated by waiting. So if I'm going somewhere where I might have a wait, I come prepared with my kindle and catch up on reading so the time isn't entirely wasted.
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Spellbound454
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"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 2, 2013 15:19:07 GMT -5
Agreed... cant stand waiting.....or worse, people who keep me waiting because they can't be bothered to turn up on time.......(Lack of respect that someone else's time is valuable) I've got a friend who does this......I always arrive 40 minutes after the allotted meeting time.... then I'm not waiting too long Supermarkets and shopping visits are done early doors to avoid crowds.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Aug 2, 2013 16:05:27 GMT -5
I’m still working on it. I used to fall somewhere between doormat and passive aggressive, but I’m building a thicker skin, and trying to be more assertive. I try not to take things personally (especially with strangers) and leave emotion out of it. In doing so I have found some people are frankly just drama and should be avoided.
I have a harder time keeping my cool with innocuous little life stressors. Little things just keep nipping away at me until I break down. Anti anxiety meds worked to some extent, but they were a short term fix for a stressful time. Haven’t figured out a long term coping mechanism yet.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Aug 3, 2013 6:59:24 GMT -5
Most of the time I'm not a nice person. So I'm not graceful.
But several years ago, I was the only one taking my mother to her appts. Trying to work, attend my kids activities, etc... and getting her to her doctor's appts (sometimes 2 a week) was stressing me out. She wouldn't ask my siblings and told me not to call them. (I called them anyway and they always had excuses). Anyway it came to a head one day at her house and I started yelling at my sibling. Sibling sat there and let me rant and rave.
Talk about handling things gracefully, she should have knocked my block off.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 3, 2013 8:24:21 GMT -5
Count me in among those who can usually be reasonable during a big crisis, but can get disproportionately angry and/or mean at the little things. Also, if you trigger my sense that you are trying to screw me over, or bully me because you think I'm a pushover, I get nasty -- REALLY nasty, to compensate.
...:::"Last Friday I needed to pick up a package at UPS (they close at 6). I arrived at 5:54 and they had already shut the computers down. I started crying. It did not convince them to turn the computers back on. So I had to come back Monday. The package was nothing particularly important and it was no big deal to get it Monday, but I got home and cried my eyes out to DH for probably 15 minutes. It was ridiculous.":::...
I loathe UPS for reasons like this. Their customer service hours are extremely unfriendly to begin with. I get that its Friday, and that in their mind, you there "that" person who shows up at the last minute. But the hours say "9AM to 6PM", NOT 9:05AM to 5:50PM".
Hopefully you can file some kind of complaint with corporate. I'm not sure how seriously they'll take it, but its probably all you can (legally and morally) do.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 3, 2013 16:32:46 GMT -5
I'm blunt and matter of fact to a fault, which actually helps me keep my cool a lot more of the time than I used to(grew up with my mother getting nasty and snippy over ridiculous things). However, it doesn't much help when people are being illogical. I got angry a lot when I was pregnant. There was a week where apparently I either terrified or pissed off most of the department. In my defense, if I hadn't had fourteen million things due on the same date, or twice the people crammed into half the lab space, it would've helped a lot. Still, PMS for two solid months was not fun for me or those around me. The emotional easy crying has mostly been postnatal
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2013 7:48:35 GMT -5
99% of the time accepting things gracefully is the best tactic. Unfortunately there are people and businesses that will walk all over you if you don't call them on bad behavior. I have the track marks to prove it. I'm getting better at realizing "in the moment" that something sucks, but it's still pretty hard for me. Usually I figure it out afterwards and then start thinking about what I should have done. Last month I was sitting playing Sudoku on my iPod while waiting for my hair stylist who was already 10 minutes late (first appointment of the day) and realized that I'd had to do that 3 out of the 4 times I'd had her cut my hair. I told the receptionist I was sorry but I had a boatload of things to do that day and couldn't wait. And I left. That was a big step for me. I haven't been back.
Last week I found out that in order to transfer signatory authority on a checking account, the priest at our church (who is leaving an a couple of weeks) and I (church financial secretary) had to both show up at the bank at the same time and sign cards. That bank is a 45-minute drive from my office and 30 minutes from home. Not gonna happen. This is why I do my banking on-line. I'm sick of brick-and-mortar banks that expect you to be there when it's convenient for them. The priest will be writing a check to close out his account (it's specifically for ad hoc pastoral purposes, about $1,000) and putting it in the church general checking account where we'll keep it as a line item. That was my idea and I'm proud of it.
In general I'm protective of my time and avoid businesses that make me wait unless there's no alternative (e.g., TSA lines at airports). If I'm in a long checkout line at a store, I determine how long I'm willing to wait before I walk out- usually 10 minutes or so. After 10 minutes I make a decision. (If I'm the second person in line at that point I'll stay.) I find it very tranquilizing to know I've set a limit on it.
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