Do you handle things gracefully ?

[whoisjohngalt]

I was thinking about a poster we have that is going through a really hard time right now and how she has handle things with an amazing grace and strength. 

And I started to wonder how is that some people, no matter what, just handle things so beautifully and others either fall apart or get angry or annoyed or whatever else.   And I am not talking just about big things.  Even little things.  A cashier is rude to you.  A doctor's office billed you twice.  Whatever we deal with in life.

So, what about you?  How do YOU handle things?  And if you are one of those people who would make Queen of England proud, what is your secret ?

[swamp]

And if you are one of those people who would make Queen of England proud, what is your secret ?

Yes.  I drink.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Depends on what "it" is.  For whatever reason I am totally calm during a crisis.  Once it's over though I tend to fall apart.

Little things, ack I'm horrible at little things.  Never ceases to amaze DH how big a mountain I can get out of some molehills.

I'm trying to work on that though because I fear I'm going to give myself a heart attack eventually if I keep it up. 

[Deleted]

Honestly, it depends... Sometimes I'm solid... Sometimes I'm a loon.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Sometimes.

[whoisjohngalt]

I am very calm during big things, it's little things that if annoy me - bring out the rude bitch out. 

I was very po'ed today that I had to pay a $25 copay at the dr's office just to get a cortisone shot.  I could have gotten that shot last friday, but dr wanted to see if I make any progress with pills first.  Let's just say I was less than nice about it

[whoisjohngalt]

OK, people, I am trying to learn and improve here.

So far Swamp is the only one with a actual solid suggestion

[Chocolate Lover]

If I handled things gracefully, I'd have a suggestion. I can keep it together during a crisis but the little every day things that annoy, I cuss a lot. Sometimes out loud, but most often under my breath. Unless I'm driving, then it's at the top of my lungs so maybe they'll hear me.

[Jake 48]

my father would tell me you catch more bees with honey than vinegar and my sister always told me treat people the way you want to be treated, so  I handle things gracefully 

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 31, 2013 15:15:39 GMT -5 oped said:

Honestly, it depends... Sometimes I'm solid... Sometimes I'm a loon.

LOL!  Add me to the person that lets little things drive me nuts and the big things put me in a calm "figure it out, develop game plan and get it fixed!" mode.    I do have my limits where I'll threaten to hire a lawyer but it takes months and months to get to that point. I'll also bail on things that are not that important to me.  I don't find it worth the battle or discontent it may cause me/us.

I live in the land of "don't want to do my job even though I get paid to do said job".   Everybody here feels we have to do most of the work for those that actually get paid a paycheck for doing what work we did.  There is a lot of incompetence and stupidity these day which gets very old.   

ETA:  I won't drink any alcohol when it's the big things.  I want full brain capacity.  Then when the issue is resolved I celebrate it with alcohol. 

[Sam_2.0]

Working front-line customer service for years taught me to be kind to the people that answer the phones or take my orders. If you have an issue, but you are kind and respectful to the other person that is attempting to help you, most of the time you get what you want and then some.

I try to keep things in perspective, but there are times when I end up yelling at inanimate objects (like when I spill the milk while trying to pour a new cup for DD). I do try to not yell at people as much as possible, but sometimes I say snippy things to DH and I always end up feeling horrible for it. My mom used to yell and scream at us as kids and I always hated it, so I think my resolve to not yell at people has more to do with the fact that I know how it feels to be on the receiving end and not so much that I am trying to be nice.

Most of the time if I feel myself getting upset about something I just retreat way by myself (go for a drive out in the country, barricade myself in my room, etc). Once I have a minute to think about my reaction and what the real cause of my frustration was then I realize it's not that big of a deal and I can move on.

As for expressing opinions to others, I tend to hold my tongue unless something absolutely needs to be said. I tend to be more blunt about things, but I am learning to still be kind while being honest. Careful word choices go a LONG way.

[Deleted]

Jul 31, 2013 15:11:04 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I was thinking about a poster we have that is going through a really hard time right now and how she has handle things with an amazing grace and strength. 

And I started to wonder how is that some people, no matter what, just handle things so beautifully and others either fall apart or get angry or annoyed or whatever else.   And I am not talking just about big things.  Even little things.  A cashier is rude to you.  A doctor's office billed you twice.  Whatever we deal with in life.

So, what about you?  How do YOU handle things?  And if you are one of those people who would make Queen of England proud, what is your secret ?

Most of the time I handle things calm & cool & I have a reasonable temper. On the other hand when I have to deal with either stupid people or rules that are stupid, I have been known to loose it. Like when our house got hit by a tornado & our mortgage company told me to send in individual receipts & they would send me an equal amount of cash. I "burned" through six people before I got to someone that realized that the tornado was not the problem, displeasing me was the problem & they were either going to please me or things were going to happen a lot worse than a tornado. And yes, I got the full payment overnighted to me.

[midjd]

I was really good at handling things until I got pregnant. Now, instead of getting righteously angry and fixing things with logical arguments, I cry. I've also totally lost any decisionmaking ability.*

Last Friday I needed to pick up a package at UPS (they close at 6). I arrived at 5:54 and they had already shut the computers down. I started crying. It did not convince them to turn the computers back on. So I had to come back Monday. The package was nothing particularly important and it was no big deal to get it Monday, but I got home and cried my eyes out to DH for probably 15 minutes. It was ridiculous.

Luckily this just seems to be true in my personal life - I've been doing really well at work since I got pregnant (which is ironic since my job is to fix things with logical arguments). But it is still annoying.

*I suspect both developments are due to the lack of alcohol in my life!

[movingforward]

It depends on what type of things we are talking about... I am fairly easy going because honestly a lot of things are just not that important.  There are people though that just rub me the wrong way.  One being people that insist upon trying to change your beliefs to their beliefs.  I don't mind having a fact based conversation with someone about WHY they have certain beliefs but people simply pushing their agenda down another person's throat doesn't sit well with me.  Another thing I can't let go of are people who don't treat their animals well.  A lady I used to work with once told me she hit her dog with a belt the day before because he dug up her sprinkler system in the back yard while she was at work .  I was SO pissed and I couldn't let it go.  I called the animal abuse hotline and they went out there to check her out but never took the dog so I guess he looked okay.  Then later she told me she never walks the dog (we are talking about a big lab here that needs to exercise).  I was actually devising a plan to kidnap the dog when she told me a few days later that she gave it away to one of her neighbors because he was just so cute as a puppy and she just never realized how much "work" a dog was going to be.  What a freaking idiot!!  Now things like that piss me off.  If we are talking about some fool who is rude to me at the drive thru... don't really care all that much...

Oh, and I made it quite clear to my past co-worker that I didn't like the way she was treating her dog especially since before she told me she gave him to a neighbor she started the sentence by saying "you will be happy to know..."  I told her it did make me happy and she probably shouldn't get anymore animals EVER. 

[Deleted]

Depends on what "it" is. For whatever reason I am totally calm during a crisis. Once it's over though I tend to fall apart

I do try to keep this in mind:

my father would tell me you catch more bees with honey than vinegar and my sister always told me treat people the way you want to be treated

Except of course my family didn't handle things that way so I had to learn that in my 30s.


And this:

I won't drink any alcohol when it's the big things. I want full brain capacity. Then when the issue is resolved I celebrate it with alcohol.

[movingforward]

my father would tell me you catch more bees with honey than vinegar and my sister always told me treat people the way you want to be treated

I used to believe this 100% but now I believe it about 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time I have learned you must be a bitch in order to make anything happen. 

[Chocolate Lover]

Jul 31, 2013 16:02:52 GMT -5 movingforward said:

my father would tell me you catch more bees with honey than vinegar and my sister always told me treat people the way you want to be treated

I used to believe this 100% but now I believe it about 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time I have learned you must be a bitch in order to make anything happen. 

My theory is start off sweet and turn homicidal PMSy bitch on them if needed.  I usually wait (if possible) to make those kinds of calls until I actually *am* PMSing.

[muttleynfelix]

It really depends.  There are times I fall apart - example the surgeon last November told us DH couldn't have surgery until he quit smoking for a month and I cried the whole way back from the doctor's appointment to work.  But 2 days after DH had surgery and DS had the stomach flu and DD was one month old, I handled it and laughed it off and kept trucking. I will say the last 2 weeks of February, I cried every day driving home from work. It was literally one disaster at home after another and even with my mom helping us, I was at the end of my rope. Then I would cry and get back home and miraculously my rope would get a longer and I would keep moving forward until the next problem reared its head and it was pretty much a daily cycle.

I will say the experience of the last year has made me so much stronger as a person. If I do break down, I know I pull myself back up. It served me very well when I had a contractor try to bully me at work and he expected me to roll over and say "oh my fault" when it wasn't. 

I guess I fall apart when there is nothing for me to do. When I have something to do and I have an action that I can do, I can hold it together.

[Deleted]

I thought it was the "squeaky wheel gets the grease"?

I'm not always graceful, but I try to be at first.  Then I turn on my school teacher voice.   It is startlingly effective.  What my daughter calls "The Look" (also related to teaching) is equally good.  Its subtext is something like, "Really?"

[swamp]

Jul 31, 2013 16:05:51 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Jul 31, 2013 16:02:52 GMT -5 movingforward said:

my father would tell me you catch more bees with honey than vinegar and my sister always told me treat people the way you want to be treated

I used to believe this 100% but now I believe it about 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time I have learned you must be a bitch in order to make anything happen. 

My theory is start off sweet and turn homicidal PMSy bitch on them if needed.  I usually wait (if possible) to make those kinds of calls until I actually *am* PMSing.

Holding together does not mean that you can't pull out the bitch when necessary.  I find that pulling out the bitch works wonders for me since it rarely comes out.   But it is also coupled with logical arguments and threats that I actually can carry through with.

And Mid, dont' worry, we all turned into blubbering idiots while pregnant.  It's temporary.

[giramomma]

I used to emotionally react to everything. It sucked.

I don't so much anymore. I like it much better.

For me, therapy was the answer, since my was more a learned behavior. Drinking would have been the cheaper solution...

[Jaguar]

In a crisis I get really focused. It's the little shit that sends me over the bonkers.

[whoisjohngalt]

Jul 31, 2013 16:18:10 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I used to emotionally react to everything. It sucked.

I don't so much anymore. I like it much better.

For me, therapy was the answer, since my was more a learned behavior. Drinking would have been the cheaper solution...

I was hoping you'd respond.  You have me some really good ideas one time when I was in the middle of my bitching session about my IL's.   I wish I bookmarked that thread bc I have no idea how to search for one

[Angel!]

Jul 31, 2013 15:30:03 GMT -5 midjd said:

I was really good at handling things until I got pregnant. Now, instead of getting righteously angry and fixing things with logical arguments, I cry. I've also totally lost any decisionmaking ability.*

So much this. Last Friday a cashier was rude to me, so I threw down my basket and went to my car.  I then spent the next 10 minutes crying in my car.

I would have likely stormed out of the store either way, but I wouldn't have cried over it.  What kind of dumbass cashier lets you stand in her long-ass line and then when you get to the front tells you she is done and you need to get into the other line.  The other line that wasn't even open when you got in line, so it isn't like you got confused and got in the wrong line - you got in the only line.  And then when the other line opened you were nice and let several people in front of you go to that line since they had been waiting longer and you continued to wait in the original line.  She just decided the person before you was the last person she was going to help and now you are expected to get in a different line behind a bunch of people that weren't in line when you got in line in the first place. 

[Deleted]

For me it depends on what I think will be effective. There are times being a bitch will make it worse. Actually most of the time going all out bitch won't be effective. But being extremely assertive can be when pleasant fails. I think it scares people when you are being demanding and maintaining control of yourself. I very rarely make threats and absolutely never make threats I can't follow through with.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I'm getting better about being gracious. (I'm not graceful, as I am a klutz.)
I was raised by rude, yelling parents. I had no idea that there were nice people in the world. I didn't know that my parents behavior was wretched until I reached adulthood. I did think my grandmother--who was raised on the East Coast and ultra polite--was an anomaly.

As mentioned, my behaviors of being a bitch towards everyone were learned. I realized at at about age 23 that I didn't have to behave that way. It's taken over a decade (and probably would have taken less time if I'd gone to therapy), but I can treat people well now.

When I lose my temper with a non-family member, it's a razor sharp voice with big words intended to make the person feel as belittled as possible. I find that skill embarrassing. I have learned to tell myself when in that place that I have to remove myself from the situation.

I generally lose my temper with stupidity and carelessness though. For example, last week I called the insurance agent's secretary about a notice I'd received. The notice announced that I needed to renew my renter's insurance. Well, last summer, I bought another house and stopped living in a rental. I explained this to the secretary in addition to the fact that the renter's insurance should have been canceled when we got the homeowner's insurance. She said "What homeowner's insurance?" So, my calm reaction was in the least razor sharp voice that I have while still portraying annoyance, stating " I don't put up with sloppiness. You will figure this out, and you will call me back with the correct answer." While that still isn't polite, it was much better than me telling her she was incompetent which 15 years ago I would have done.

Anyway,
I relive conversations in my head all the freaking time. In some ways it's an OCD tendency; in some ways, I'm reflecting and analyzing how to better handle the next confrontation.
I do cuss in front of my husband, but I don't tend to in front of others.
At work, when someone is mad, I sit silently and wait until they're done yelling at me. Then, I go into the logical arguments.
I also try to observe those who seem to be nicer than I am. That way I can practice those conversations in my head they way I think the nice people would say them.

[flamingo]

"What kind of dumbass cashier lets you stand in her long-ass line and then when you get to the front tells you she is done and you need to get into the other line.  The other line that wasn't even open when you got in line, so it isn't like you got confused and got in the wrong line - you got in the only line.  And then when the other line opened you were nice and let several people in front of you go to that line since they had been waiting longer and you continued to wait in the original line.  She just decided the person before you was the last person she was going to help and now you are expected to get in a different line behind a bunch of people that weren't in line when you got in line in the first place.  "

I am definitely not pregnant and this would have pissed me off too. And you can believe that the dumb cashier would have either checked me out or I would have gotten my groceries for free. And while I like to think I would have been super sugary sweet, I probably would have been super primo bitch.

Mostly I'm just primo bitch in my head but out loud I'm super nice, and a bit passive aggressive. And even when my words say I am pissed at your stupid behavior I have a big smile on my face just to confuse you. People tend to fall in line

[thyme4change]

Jul 31, 2013 15:15:39 GMT -5 oped said:

Honestly, it depends... Sometimes I'm solid... Sometimes I'm a loon.

I remember once yelling at a co-worker and getting in big trouble for it, and a short time later someone who hadn't heard what had happened told me that I was always so calm and relaxed and nothing ever bothered me.  So, I'm inconsistent.  Or as I like to think of it - EXCITING! 

[raeoflyte]

I don't, but my bosses think I do so I think I'm just good at bottling things up.

Truthfully I have a very long rope, but if you reach the end of it there is a very mean awful version of myself waiting. I'm working on fixing that.

[milee]

Jul 31, 2013 19:15:33 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Truthfully I have a very long rope, but if you reach the end of it there is a very mean awful version of myself waiting.

That describes one of my BFFs.  She's a total sweetie, everybody loves her and the world is good.  Until one of the incredibly rare times she gets to her limit and it... isn't good.  I kinda love that about her, though.  It's reassuring to know she's real.