Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 23, 2013 13:38:16 GMT -5
Ugh. I'm sorry. My mom did that for a bit, but ot to that extent. She was infatuated with eBay for awhile. We'd get packages every other week or so. Fortunately it didn't last long.
The different between your situation and mine seems to be that my other recognized that my house doesn't look the same as hers. She acknowledged that kidding want the and neither did my kids, who at the time were old enough to know where the stuff was coming from and that they didn't want it. That doesn't seem to be happening for your parent.
I agree that, especially since you live in a large city, there should be an organization that will come get the stuff from your house. Tag should at least alleviate you making the trips to a goodwill.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 23, 2013 13:38:40 GMT -5
Oh and when all else fails and you're at the end of your patience, try to remember that she's doing this because she loves you and one day she won't be here to drive you nuts with the stuff. It doesn't always work, but I try HARD to remember that. lol
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 13:51:22 GMT -5
Oh and when all else fails and you're at the end of your patience, try to remember that she's doing this because she loves you and one day she won't be here to drive you nuts with the stuff. It doesn't always work, but I try HARD to remember that. lol Yeah, unfortunately this is the ONLY way she shows she cares. <<long story>> So to me not only does it annoy me and cost me time and energy, it exemplifies that I don't get what I need from our relationship (Cue Dr Freud). I realize it's not too hard to throw things on the curb or schedule pickups. I just wish I could make her stop so I didn't have to deal with it. Other than "return to sender" I guess there really is no way. I can't get through to her and make her do anything, so the only thing I can control is my actions. It just ... sucks.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 23, 2013 13:52:43 GMT -5
DH would become like Connie's Mom if I let him. I used to agonize about all the crap that he would insist on keeping because "it could be useful someday". I would just wait six months and then slowly throw it all out one by one until it was all gone. Sometimes he would actually ask if I knew where something was because he actually wanted to use it. I would just answer truthfullly that I didn't know. I don't remember everything I throw out years later. Then we went through it ten times worse when his grandfather and brother died. Everything they ever owned is absolutly something we have to keep because it has sentimental value. We live in a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom rancher. There simply is no room. When his brother died it came to a head because the items started to get larger. We have always had the one in/one out rule. The house is just too small to keep bringing things in without getting rid of stuff wihtout risking someone suffocating! We just plain don't have room for a gun cabinet or a bunch of huge mechanic storage things on wheels filled with tools unless we get rid of the living room furniture type of thing. Yet every time we see I see his father he will get told to take something, that was someone's prized whatever, and he will say of course every time. o no good answers here except what others have already said.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 23, 2013 13:53:03 GMT -5
Oh and when all else fails and you're at the end of your patience, try to remember that she's doing this because she loves you and one day she won't be here to drive you nuts with the stuff. It doesn't always work, but I try HARD to remember that. lol Yeah, unfortunately this is the ONLY way she shows she cares. <<long story>> So to me not only does it annoy me and cost me time and energy, it exemplifies that I don't get what I need from our relationship (Cue Dr Freud). I realize it's not too hard to throw things on the curb or schedule pickups. I just wish I could make her stop so I didn't have to deal with it. Other than "return to sender" I guess there really is no way. I can't get through to her and make her do anything, so the only thing I can control is my actions. It just ... sucks. It does indeed - so sorry!
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 13:54:44 GMT -5
One thing in one thing out is a good idea. I need to do that. I think on average I probably do abide by this rule naturally, I just think I should be more conscious of it. I bought 3 bras at the Nordies anniversary sale the other day (my gift to myself for breastfeeding for 17 months!) and I threw 2 away so I guess I should toss one more.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 23, 2013 13:57:33 GMT -5
One thing in one thing out is a good idea. I need to do that. I think on average I probably do abide by this rule naturally, I just think I should be more conscious of it. I bought 3 bras at the Nordies anniversary sale the other day (my gift to myself for breastfeeding for 17 months!) and I threw 2 away so I guess I should toss one more. It doesn't have to be the exact same thing so feel free to throw away a pair of your DH's ratty underwear to make it up.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 14:00:05 GMT -5
One thing in one thing out is a good idea. I need to do that. I think on average I probably do abide by this rule naturally, I just think I should be more conscious of it. I bought 3 bras at the Nordies anniversary sale the other day (my gift to myself for breastfeeding for 17 months!) and I threw 2 away so I guess I should toss one more. It doesn't have to be the exact same thing so feel free to throw away a pair of your DH's ratty underwear to make it up. I threw out a pair of DH's underwear that had a hole in them and the elastic around the leg broke. He just about had a stroke.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 23, 2013 14:06:32 GMT -5
It doesn't have to be the exact same thing so feel free to throw away a pair of your DH's ratty underwear to make it up. I threw out a pair of DH's underwear that had a hole in them and the elastic around the leg broke. He just about had a stroke. Same thing happened at my house. I threatened to stuff dirty boxer briefs in his pillow case.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 14:14:18 GMT -5
LMAO. My spouse is definitely of the pack-rat ilk but he is trying to be more like me.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 23, 2013 14:16:43 GMT -5
It doesn't have to be the exact same thing so feel free to throw away a pair of your DH's ratty underwear to make it up. I threw out a pair of DH's underwear that had a hole in them and the elastic around the leg broke. He just about had a stroke. How else did you afford to pay for all those trips to WDW?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 23, 2013 14:20:22 GMT -5
Oh and when all else fails and you're at the end of your patience, try to remember that she's doing this because she loves you and one day she won't be here to drive you nuts with the stuff. It doesn't always work, but I try HARD to remember that. lol Yeah, unfortunately this is the ONLY way she shows she cares. <<long story>> So to me not only does it annoy me and cost me time and energy, it exemplifies that I don't get what I need from our relationship (Cue Dr Freud). I realize it's not too hard to throw things on the curb or schedule pickups. I just wish I could make her stop so I didn't have to deal with it. Other than "return to sender" I guess there really is no way. I can't get through to her and make her do anything, so the only thing I can control is my actions. It just ... sucks. Ok, maybe she's doing it because she loves your DD Whatever gets you past the homicidal urges. Sorry this is the ONLY was she shows she cares, it truly does suck
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jul 23, 2013 15:07:04 GMT -5
I didn't see your email but I'm assuming it was blunt and to the point. You said she ignored it. IMO, this is a really basic case of boundaries. Set aside the emotions for a second and just look at the actions. You explicitly told her to stop doing something that bothers you and she is continuing to do it. That isn't love - she isn't "showing her love." It's manipulation. You should not fear her anger by sending the packages back...doing so honors YOUR wishes that she is IGNORING. If she would actually throw a fit and ruin your relationship over that, you don't have a relationship with her in the first place. As the daughter of a bipolar mother, I recommend getting some therapy so you can get past the grief of not having a true mother. I had to stop talking with my mom for 8 years until I was strong enough to deal with her BS (we reconnected about 5 years ago). It's so much easier when you laugh off their antics instead of getting sucked in. I also strongly recommend this book: www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374609879&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 16:06:18 GMT -5
Thanks Formerly.
My relationship is unhealthy on so many levels. I had been considering therapy anyways regarding this. Becoming a mother myself has really shown me how little I was loved and cared for growing up. And even though I'm a grown woman with a life of my own - it still hurts.
Thanks for the book rec. I will check it out.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 16:07:43 GMT -5
Er... I realized I tried to keep it gender neutral just in case it's ever found by my parent they'd recognize it..... but yeah, that's how bad I am at lying on the interwebs... I can't even make it to page 2 without coming clean that it's my Mom lol.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 16:51:17 GMT -5
swamp, My father would find stuff like that in the trash, fish them out and bring them back into the house. Once my mom got so mad at my dad about continuing to wear a sports coat that had a glop of paint on the sleeve that she cut the arm off of it and put it back in the closet. Of course he had to make his social rounds and show everybody what she did. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that he's still got it in his closet somewhere. I'm so not looking forward to cleaning out his house when he passes. No real advice to you HoneyBBQ other than to tell her that you donated her "gift" when she asks where things are.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 23, 2013 16:52:39 GMT -5
^^^^^ That's what my BIL upstairs does. It don't help that my sister is also a saver.
I hate crap.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 23, 2013 17:05:56 GMT -5
If it's all crap then give yourself 10 minutes or so to go through each box. Have another box or roughtote ready for the go through.
I lived with a hoarder, my mom. She was specific on hoarding clothing, materials, wools, books and china & glassware.
I threw out over 80 garbage bags and 2 cube van full of her crap, after she passed. I also have 8 siblings that I gleefully donated her crap to. You have my sympathies.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 23, 2013 18:49:07 GMT -5
My mom did likewise. I know that she did it out of love. But she brought too much. Finally I just point blank told her that my tastes were not her tastes and if she brought anything to my house then she would be taking it back to her car. When she came with new treasures I started making her take it home immediately. Once she saw I was serious she really toned it down.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 23, 2013 19:01:17 GMT -5
I know that you could take it to goodwill or whatever but why should they make a lot of useless work you don't have time to do. Don't let the stuff come into the house. If they show up with it then they must take it home that day . If they are mailing you stuff immediately toss it or mail it back.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 23, 2013 19:33:28 GMT -5
Have a big garage sale and sell it all. Mom feels happy and you get some mad money. Then do the Phil invest thingy with that money and make a tidy sum.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 24, 2013 0:21:11 GMT -5
What is it with men and unhealthy attachment to their old underwear. This is slighlty, well, A LOT of toppic - but I watched my 1st ever episode of Hoarders over the weekend. It was about a woman who said she had 13 cats in her house. They found over 30, 13 of them are dead. Her house was one giant litter box /garbage can. After I almost puked, I decided to increase my efforts in decluttering
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 24, 2013 0:28:01 GMT -5
^^^^^^ Yuppers THAT would do it for me as well. Geez imagine the freaking stink that would make.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Jul 24, 2013 6:39:18 GMT -5
Yup, watching Hoarders ALWAYS makes me get up and start cleaning something! It is great motivation! My house is cluttered but not filthy. I get the letting things pile up and just ignore them. I have a room that would qualify for an episode myself. It's the catch all room, when I don't know what do do with something, it gets thrown in the spare bedroom. But the filth, I just don't get. The mountains of empty pizza boxes, plates with rotting food, empty soda cups and bottles, the one's that let their animals use the whole house for a toilet and never clean it up, and even the people that pile up human waste/dirty diapers, etc instead of throwing them out. Gag...I know most of these people are also mentally I'll, but wow...
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Jul 24, 2013 11:05:24 GMT -5
'is rotting due to continued flooding issues down there.'
constanz ....... get rid of that stuff ASAP. That rotting potential mold is going all through the house and not doing your personal health any good. Send mom a snail-mail the day you start dumping things so she doesn't have time to put you on a guilt trip before things are completed.
honey ....... I like the idea of putting things straight into your car without looking at it and when you go grocery shopping make a side trip to donate.
Nothing you can do or say will ever change this situation. You are still the child and mom is still taking care of you.
Good luck
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jul 24, 2013 19:38:57 GMT -5
As Ann Landers used to say and Oprah still says: no one can make you feel guilty unless you allow them to do so. Call/visit your mother and tell her that, while you appreciate her "generosity and thoughtfulness" (yup, suck it up and use those words), you will no longer accept any packages because you do not need or want the items in them. Also tell her that starting August 1st, you will mail them right back to her. And, then, do it!!!!! I understand it is your mother, and as manipulative as it is, it is your mother. But, it is not a healthy relationship and it is causing you pain and you need to set boundaries. If nothing else, do it for your daughter -- model self-worth and boundaries for her. If you want, you can allow your mother to send birthday and Christmas packages, but all others must cease on August 1st. I am sorry you don't have the mother/daughter relationship you want/need/deserve. If it's any consolation at all, many don't. There's no emotional health evaluation prerequisite for parenthood. But, you CAN and WILL do better for your DD. Start today so your pain and frustration don't spill over into that relationship.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2013 21:43:32 GMT -5
There are several donation sites that have trucks that will pick up from your location. Just pick a spot, stack the boxes, go on line & schedule the pick up. You put it out at the street tagged with the organization's name & they pick them up on the scheduled day. Otherwise you may be 'that house' with a garage sale every weekend
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Jul 25, 2013 4:30:34 GMT -5
Another option is to offer it on Freecycle or the free section of Craigslist.
You can find your local section of Freecycle at Freecycle.org
The free section of Craigslist is under the For Sale heading.
For both methods: Describe what you have and put it out on your porch or front step at the time someone will pick it up.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 25, 2013 6:29:35 GMT -5
My relationship is unhealthy on so many levels. I had been considering therapy anyways regarding this. Becoming a mother myself has really shown me how little I was loved and cared for growing up. And even though I'm a grown woman with a life of my own - it still hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar when I had my first son and know how painful it was for me. Things you either denied or weren't aware of become very obvious. I don't have any good advice that others haven't already given, just wanted to acknowledge your feelings and send good thoughts your way.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 25, 2013 10:04:22 GMT -5
Thanks Milee.
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