HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 11:32:05 GMT -5
This might be a long post. And it's really personal so I'm a bit shy in posting it, usually I stick to money topics. One of my parents has a shopping addiction. Basically, it could almost be classified as a shopping addiction coupled with hoarding. Luckily, they also have OCD, so everything that is purchased is very organized and neat. Also, luckily, they know how to live within their fixed budget, so over-spending is actually not the problem. The problem is they send me _so _much _stuff that my house is literally exploding with crap they have bought me. Every week they send me a box - it'll have 10 pairs of shoes for my daughter, junk from the thrift store, junk from the craft store, it's just all crap. They usually shop at a thrift store that has senior day, so they get the items for practically free. 90+% of it is stuff that I just don't want and/or don't need. My daughter has over 30 pairs of pants. Seriously. And she probably has over 20 pairs of shoes. She's *19* months!!! My parent sends books, toys that were made in China, junk, you name it. It's EVERY WEEK. My parent used to drive to my house (I live out of state) and bring an ENTIRE CAR FULL of stuff to off. Dog beds, books for me I don't want, clothing especially, kitchen knick knacks, etc. Just "stuff". I. Can't. Take. It. I'm not a material(s) person. I don't like having an overwhelming amount of "Stuff". Yes, I take it to goodwill. Most of it. But sometimes my parent will ask when they are here, "where is that -insert item- I sent last month?" It's just so time consuming to sort the stuff and actually keep it in a box and take it to Goodwill every week. It sounds easy to manage, but it actually takes up a lot of my time, going through these boxes - having to keep space to build the Goodwill pile, taking stuff there every week... it's EXHAUSTING. I've tried to ask the parent to stop. I've tried nice, I've tried direct, I've tried mad. I can't get it to stop. The shopping addiction coupled with their need to send stuff to me is just more than I can bear. If you've ever read Love Languages, you can imagine this person's love language is GIFTS, but mine is NOT! And actually it makes me sad, all this stuff, none of it is really very thoughtful and about me. It's not a gift - it's just junk taking up space in my house, taking up my time, and replacing the feelings that I should have about a parent. Anyways, does anybody have any suggestions? I'm not sure there is an answer. I don't think there's a solution. I guess I just want to vent. I'm going to post the email I sent this parent last year in the next post so you can see what I'm dealing with. It had absolutely no effect and didn't change their behavior at all. A Anyways, I'll take anything anyone has to offer. I'm just fed up.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 11:33:20 GMT -5
You've tried. THey keep sending it.
Keep what's worth keeping and donate/toss the rest.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 11:34:11 GMT -5
poofing just in case somehow they find it.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 11:34:54 GMT -5
You've tried. THey keep sending it. Keep what's worth keeping and donate/toss the rest. But it takes up so much TIME and ENERGY. It's too HARD. Seriously. It takes up SPACE. I don't want to do it anymore.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 11:37:08 GMT -5
You've tried. THey keep sending it. Keep what's worth keeping and donate/toss the rest. But it takes up so much TIME and ENERGY. It's too HARD. Seriously. It takes up SPACE. I don't want to do it anymore. Keep a tote in your car. all packages go immediately in the tote. when you drive by a donation place, donate it. it never gets in your line of sight.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 23, 2013 11:38:11 GMT -5
But sometimes my parent will ask when they are here, "where is that -insert item- I sent last month?"
Tell them you donate it. They can keep sending you stuff but it's going straight to Goodwill. You don't want it, you don't need it and you're not keeping it. Period.
Don't open it, don't sort it. As soon as it hits your mailbox turn around and donate it.
If they still don't get the message then I don't know what to tell you.
Might be worth talking to someone who specializes in hoarding/OCD too to get an idea of how to draw boundaries with your parents. You don't want to end up a hoarder by association.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 11:38:55 GMT -5
But it takes up so much TIME and ENERGY. It's too HARD. Seriously. It takes up SPACE. I don't want to do it anymore. Keep a tote in your car. all packages go immediately in the tote. when you drive by a donation place, donate it. it never gets in your line of sight. That's actually a good idea. I hate to be like _ she_who_must_not_be_named but a) I would need like 5-6 totes or more and b) I don't want to leave anything in my car because I park downtown in an area prone to break ins. That would just kill me if somebody smashed my windows to steal crap I was going to donate anyways.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 23, 2013 11:40:37 GMT -5
Could you leave some of it on your curb with a "free" sign? See if someone takes it? I occassionally see furniture and stuff on the curb that people are trying to get rid of.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 11:40:41 GMT -5
Keep a tote in your car. all packages go immediately in the tote. when you drive by a donation place, donate it. it never gets in your line of sight. That's actually a good idea. I hate to be like _ she_who_must_not_be_named but a) I would need like 5-6 totes or more and b) I don't want to leave anything in my car because I park downtown in an area prone to break ins. That would just kill me if somebody smashed my windows to steal crap I was going to donate anyways. leave the car unlocked. problems solved.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 11:43:04 GMT -5
Could you leave some of it on your curb with a "free" sign? See if someone takes it? I occassionally see furniture and stuff on the curb that people are trying to get rid of. that also works. I do that a lot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 11:43:07 GMT -5
HA! Can you have fires in your area?
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 23, 2013 11:46:32 GMT -5
If the boxes keep coming, I'd just start putting the whole thing immediately in my trunk to take it to goodwill when I have time - no sorting. (Or if you get a box and happen to have time where you can sort through it otherwise donate.) Or, conversely, see if Salvation Army (or another place, I know there's some local places that pick up stuff) will let you make a standing appointment - every week or once a month. Do you have a cover over your front door or enough of an awning in front of your garage? I'd just stick the boxes there with a note so you're not waiting for them.
re: the letter - I'd personally be hesitant to bring in the sibling. Even if you guys talk about it maybe they don't want what the direct confrontation could bring their way. I'd stick to just your perspective.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 23, 2013 11:48:20 GMT -5
Can you mark the packages "return to sender" and have them sent back? Or is that too mean?
Your email was pretty clear. If your parent is ignoring it and continuing to send you junk, I'm not sure anything short of a total refusal to accept packages will solve the problem.
Or perhaps an intervention of sorts? Is your sibling on board? What about the other parent?
I'm not sure how to phrase it - and I would never advocate restricting access to a grandchild except in cases of abuse/neglect - but if your parent could become aware that the time you'd otherwise spend facilitating visits between her, you and your DD is instead being spent sorting through the junk being sent to your house, that might be enough of a tangible effect to curb the behavior. "Sorry, I can't bring DD down to see you this weekend, I have too many items to sort through for Goodwill."
Does the parent acknowledge the shopping/hoarding issue or is it seen as still on the "normal" spectrum? I am always amazed by the people on Hoarders who look around and say, "Well, I haven't cleaned in a few days, but it's not that bad." Then there are others who acknowledge they have a problem but aren't able to take the steps to get help.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Jul 23, 2013 11:50:13 GMT -5
Oh honey! Hugs! And I can totally empathize with you! My situation is different, but in many ways similar, and I have yet to find a way to deal with it either... 5 and a half years ago, I moved into may parents house, which is the house I grew up in. Nobody had been living there, but it was FILLED with 40 years of STUFF. Everyone that left, left a bunch of their crap there. I filled at least 5 large dumpsters and took numerous trips to donate stuff, and I am still overcome by stuff there. My mom moved to FL (the house is in PA) and left stuff she didn't want/couldn't take. My grandmother died and my mom brought all the "stuff" she didn't want to part with of hers to my house and put it in the basement, where most of it is rotting due to continued flooding issues down there. She will never deal with it, but I also don't "own" the home yet (we have a land-contract) so it's a really difficult situation all around. She doesn't have room for any of it in FL, plus the logistics of actually getting it there. Most of it is ruined but SHE has to go through it, which never happens when she comes to visit. It's been the same old, same old for almost 6 YEARS now. I get your level of frustration...I really do. There is no easy answer. My family is not the best at communication either, and any attempts I make to address it, get blown up into some big thing that doesn't need to be, and I hate confrontation so I just ignore it. It's not good for me, for the house, etc. It's a tough spot to be in...I know... I think most everyone in my family (me included) have some hoarding tendancies, for some reason. It is just so, so, hard...My sister lived there right before me and she IS a full blown hoarder. The condition I got that house in was absolutely beyond belief. I am just so done with it all, physically, emotionally, just can't do it anymore, so I ignore/avoid which doesn't help either!
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 23, 2013 11:51:30 GMT -5
Do you have charities in your area that do curbside pick-up? When they pick up stuff here, I just have to put it out on the front step. Maybe that should be the permanent spot to put your parent's next "gift". That way it never gets into your home. And if someone steals it, so what? Sorry your parents are spending so much. Hope they don't expect you to pay their expenses once their money is gone...
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 23, 2013 11:52:06 GMT -5
I suppose a big RETURN TO SENDER on the box won't work?
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 11:52:55 GMT -5
Just to clarify, I sent that email last year and it had no effect.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2013 11:53:39 GMT -5
Even Miss Manners says that you are free to do whatever you wish with a gift. Your parents are gifting you this stuff, and if you determine the best place for it is at the Salvation Army then you do not have to feel guilty about it.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 11:53:44 GMT -5
I suppose a big RETURN TO SENDER on the box won't work? I'm tempted. Really I am. But is it worth the war that would ensue? The guilt trips? The phone calls and emails? I don't know. Like I said, I'm sure there is no answer that I'm overlooking. I just hate all the alternatives.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 23, 2013 11:53:57 GMT -5
Oh honey! Hugs! And I can totally empathize with you! My situation is different, but in many ways similar, and I have yet to find a way to deal with it either... 5 and a half years ago, I moved into may parents house, which is the house I grew up in. Nobody had been living there, but it was FILLED with 40 years of STUFF. Everyone that left, left a bunch of their crap there. I filled at least 5 large dumpsters and took numerous trips to donate stuff, and I am still overcome by stuff there. My mom moved to FL (the house is in PA) and left stuff she didn't want/couldn't take. My grandmother died and my mom brought all the "stuff" she didn't want to part with of hers to my house and put it in the basement, where most of it is rotting due to continued flooding issues down there. She will never deal with it, but I also don't "own" the home yet (we have a land-contract) so it's a really difficult situation all around. She doesn't have room for any of it in FL, plus the logistics of actually getting it there. Most of it is ruined but SHE has to go through it, which never happens when she comes to visit. It's been the same old, same old for almost 6 YEARS now. I get your level of frustration...I really do. There is no easy answer. My family is not the best at communication either, and any attempts I make to address it, get blown up into some big thing that doesn't need to be, and I hate confrontation so I just ignore it. It's not good for me, for the house, etc. It's a tough spot to be in...I know... I think most everyone in my family (me included) have some hoarding tendancies, for some reason. It is just so, so, hard...My sister lived there right before me and she IS a full blown hoarder. The condition I got that house in was absolutely beyond belief. I am just so done with it all, physically, emotionally, just can't do it anymore, so I ignore/avoid which doesn't help either! can you toss a box or 2 a year? she'd never miss it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 23, 2013 11:57:08 GMT -5
Ah, ok. (regarding the letter)
Then your two options are return to sender or see if there's some way you could easily set up someone to come by and pick up boxes on a schedule where you just put them out that day and go about your business.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 23, 2013 12:00:53 GMT -5
Did you have any follow up conversations about the email? While I think letters/emails are a good way to communicate things that are difficult to discuss in person, they're also easy to ignore or pretend you never saw.
It might be worth a phone call to reiterate what you said in the email and to tell your parent you won't be accepting any more packages.
If that still didn't work, I'd go the "return to sender" route and deal with the resulting fallout.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 23, 2013 12:31:24 GMT -5
I asking again does not work, keep a box in the garage and fill it with the crap that is sent. When the box is full, donate to Goodwill.
When I cleared out my apartment last month, I found a LOT of containers around town that donates to the local charities. When I had a full bag, the bag got thrown in the car and dumped into the container while I was out.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 23, 2013 12:31:33 GMT -5
Maybe you could look for someone in your area with a similar age daughter? Let them know you get boxes occassionally and you will just send a text when one arrives and leave it on the porch for them to pick up. Set some sort of rule that the box needs to be picked up within 24 hours or something so they don't get lazy and let the box sit for days.
Maybe it is just me, but if someone was offering baby clothes, then I would be more than willing to drive over and take them off your hands.
Now you are giving them to someone that wants them and it isn't a huge hassle for you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 23, 2013 12:41:27 GMT -5
I am not going to tell you what to do with the stuff, since I have no novel ideas. But I will make a suggestions on how to try to be less angry/annoyed about it - view it as one of the things that most of us deal with when it comes to elderly parents/ grandparents. It usually requires our time and energy and a lot of times money. At least here it only requires two of those things. It's not easy, I know
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 23, 2013 13:11:24 GMT -5
I suppose a big RETURN TO SENDER on the box won't work? I'm tempted. Really I am. But is it worth the war that would ensue? The guilt trips? The phone calls and emails? I don't know. Like I said, I'm sure there is no answer that I'm overlooking. I just hate all the alternatives. Wow - sending sympathy your way! I had a MIL that did this to me, but (thankfully) not to same the volume you describe. Every.Time. We. Visited. she loaded me up with "stuff" to take home. Shipping boxes occasionally came in the mail. Looking back I think the difference, though, was that she was not out buying stuff - she was just unloading stuff. With DH's understanding and okay, I sat her down and thanked her for her generosity and told her that frankly, we did not need any more household items, and that I just wanted her to know that the things we could not use were going to be donated to charity. I was prepared for hurt and push-back but interestingly enough, rather than be hurt she dropped her guard (something she NEVER did!) and said okay. She said her upbringing (a self-described "post-depression, pre-WWII pack rat" who grew up in grinding povery) would just not allow her to "throw stuff away" - somebody in the family might need it some day. It was a very interesting peek into how her mind worked. Giving it to charity was "throwing it away." Giving it to a family member was the "thing" to do to make her feel okay. Once she gave it to a family member she felt satisfied and kind of didn't care what happened to it because she personally hadn't "thrown it away." I don't know if this helps you or not , but I agree with others who say to be clear (but kind) with her that you cannot stop her giving and sending things to you, but you will not be keeping them. Wash-rinse-repeat, wash-rinse-repeat. When she asks where an item is, you answer. "it went to charity, like I told you it would."
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 23, 2013 13:12:59 GMT -5
I like the idea of just tossing it in the trunk of your car unopened and donating it that way. You need to be firm with them and let them know you won't keep any of it. When they ask about whatever item, say I don't know possibly Goodwill or Charity X. It might not stop them, but it will make your life easier.
Plus if the parent finally realizes you mean no more stuff and do not keep any, it is possible they might stop or limit themselves to one item once in awhile. The big thing is if you can't control their behavior, you have to do what works for you. If you really don't want more stuff, you need to never keep any new stuff that is sent. (FWIW, keeping some of the stuff helps feed the behavior. Parent thinks you like at least some of it, so might actually buy more to get you to keep more. Keep nothing or very little that you never admit to and isn't easily seen by parent if visiting. IMHO.)
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 23, 2013 13:21:55 GMT -5
Tell your parents that due to thefts in your area, you are setting up a new receiving address for large packages, and that if they want you to receive any packages, they must send them to the new address. Give them the address of the Goodwill so that all packages get sent directly there!
Cripes, they are spending your inheritance in postage! And what a racket goodwill has! Your parents are spending money to buy stuff, only for it to end up right back at Goodwill...
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 23, 2013 13:28:07 GMT -5
WWBG, you nailed it lol.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 23, 2013 13:35:24 GMT -5
Honey, I soooo sympathize, I have the same problem. BUT it's compounded by the fact that she lives 10 minutes from me, volunteers at a local thrift store AND has a key to my house. So, I don't necessarily get a chance at refusal. Because she is handy, I can give it back and say I don't want this, take it back. Or, if it's something her store doesn't sell, donate to the next one. Like kittensaver said, it's a "can't throw out something perfectly useful" issue she got from her Depression era relatives. There are currently 4 VCRs and 2 DVD players in her garage that are there for me since I might have one die at some point. It's frustrating and I have not found a way to make her stop yet. The refusal of stuff (or return to sender for you) doesn't slow her down much. I can, however, ask her to look for X and she'll spend more energy on that than just random junk. My kids all have enough clothes to dress a dozen kids though. Maybe you can focus her energy to looking for something specific? On a positive note, she has found me a few AWESOME deals because of her constant presence at these stores (she volunteers at one, but frequents several).
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