What to do about people that "use" other people?

[Deleted]

I have a friend (or someone I thought was a friend) that for the last 10 years has only called when THEY want something.  They seem to agree to meet up if there is something on THEIR mind, but don't joint meet ups that are just for fun.   Couple of years ago I jokingly mentioned it to them and they were a bit mortified. So it seems they don't realize they are doing this. I guess nothing is a priority unless it serves their self interest, but it seems more of a natural state than a strategic decision.

This was a respected colleague.  I don't think this behavior is specific to me & they do the same thing with others in the group. 

How would you handle this?  I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore.

[Deleted]

Treat them the same way.

That is, only join them if it's in YOUR best interest.

I was worried a little that I was becoming a bit of user with a couple of friends. During the last 4 or so years I was the "neediest" I've ever recalled being in my life. But I was finally able to reciprocate and we're closer to being "even".

I just hate being in that situation.

[Shooby]

  Well, do you like and enjoy them when you do get together?  Not every friend has to be a best friend.  There are friends of convenience too.  I have friends where we pretty much only get together to do a specific activity.  So, if you accept that and enjoy their company at those times, then i don't see a problem.  And, you should do what works for your schedule and what you WANT to do.
  As for them being mortified, they probably are not intending to hurt your feelings in any way.  It is just probably their way and not something to think about.  I think you could give them a pass on that and not assume they are doing something intentionally because most of the time people are truly oblivious.
  But, if you don't enjoy their friendship anymore, that is up to you.

[kilroy]

Why does it have to be a "game"?  As Rock It said, this person didn't seem to be aware of what they were doing.  Some people are just very internally focused and have a hard time thinking about people around them; it doesn't mean they're deliberately trying to be selfish.  Once you understand that someone is that way you can decide whether you want to deal with them or not.

[Deleted]

Shooby, their specific activity is that they want something.  I think once in 10 years they have joined up when our 'old work group' got together for dinner.  Otherwise they are not very responsive to anything.

I was uncomfortable with the last request I received from them (call out of the blue several months after I had sent an inquiry to them as to how they were doing).  They asked for assistance on something that felt unethical, so I feel like it broke what friendship there might have been there.  I'm not sure it was friendship, although we were all very close when we worked together.

[Shooby]

I am not sure what you mean.  What kinds of things are they asking for?  But, if you feel you are being used by them, you have no obligation to continue the friendship.

[Deleted]

Lone - their behavior didn't change one iota, so I don't think it is a "game" but just how they are.  But I don't really like it.  Everyone has give/take relationships and sometimes they are imbalanced.  This one has been one sided for many years.  It was bothering me, so I mentioned it a couple years ago.  


I guess it is bothering me much more since the last request made me uncomfortable.  I feel like it moved from benign helpfulness (prior requests) to blatant "user". 

[Shooby]

  Well, then you have your answer on what to do.<br>

[whoisjohngalt]

Jul 20, 2013 9:50:07 GMT -5 @rockit said:

I have a friend (or someone I thought was a friend) that for the last 10 years has only called when THEY want something.  They seem to agree to meet up if there is something on THEIR mind, but don't joint meet ups that are just for fun.   Couple of years ago I jokingly mentioned it to them and they were a bit mortified. So it seems they don't realize they are doing this. I guess nothing is a priority unless it serves their self interest, but it seems more of a natural state than a strategic decision.

This was a respected colleague.  I don't think this behavior is specific to me & they do the same thing with others in the group. 

How would you handle this?  I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore.

then don't.

Why do people create problems were there are none?

[Deleted]

Asking for OPINIONS on how others would handle something is a "problem"?  

[sesfw]

You can let the answering machine take the calls.  If you choose to call them back make the conversation very general and casual.  If they ask for something, sympathize with them and change the subject.

But don't let them put you on a guilt trip.  And these types will try.

[whoisjohngalt]

Jul 20, 2013 11:13:55 GMT -5 @rockit said:

Asking for OPINIONS on how others would handle something is a "problem"?  

No, getting opinions is great, but I don't understand how opinions of others can help you decide how to feel about your friend.

I have very low tolerance for BS and may be that's why I don't have a lot of friends.  But I am OK with that.  You might be a completely different person, you might be more forgiving than me, which means that "my" opinion is completely useless to you.

[Deleted]

Someone who I used to work with sent me a message asking me for some company documents after they were gone. I old them I didn't feel comfortable sending them. They then unfriended me on FB and I never heard from him again. I'm not too upset.....

[mmhmm]

Jul 20, 2013 10:24:24 GMT -5 @rockit said:

Shooby, their specific activity is that they want something.  I think once in 10 years they have joined up when our 'old work group' got together for dinner.  Otherwise they are not very responsive to anything.

I was uncomfortable with the last request I received from them (call out of the blue several months after I had sent an inquiry to them as to how they were doing).  They asked for assistance on something that felt unethical, so I feel like it broke what friendship there might have been there.  I'm not sure it was friendship, although we were all very close when we worked together.

Ouch!  I think you have your answer right there, Rock It.  If someone you know asks you to do something unethical (especially, considering you were doubtful about this person in the first place) that's not a friend.  I wouldn't even want it as an acquaintance, and it sounds like you don't, either.  This person doesn't sound like the type who would call you to find out if there was something wrong in your relationship, so if you simply turn and walk away from this person, you'll probably never need to explain why.  If the person did ask why, I'd tell them the absolute, unvarnished truth.

[Peace Of Mind]

If somebody is asking you to do something unethical then they are not your friend so there is no loss to that friendship.  So make sure what they are asking was, in fact, unethical and that you didn't misunderstand their request. 

If this pattern of using you is often I'd not return their phone calls or just keep the conversations about the weather or whatever is neutral and safe and not get involved any further.  They should leave you alone once they realize they can't manipulate you.   

[Deleted]

Jul 20, 2013 13:08:37 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Jul 20, 2013 11:13:55 GMT -5 @rockit said:

Asking for OPINIONS on how others would handle something is a "problem"?  

No, getting opinions is great, but I don't understand how opinions of others can help you decide how to feel about your friend.

I have very low tolerance for BS and may be that's why I don't have a lot of friends.  But I am OK with that.  You might be a completely different person, you might be more forgiving than me, which means that "my" opinion is completely useless to you.

Because I am often low tolerance/reactionary. Other people's perspectives can help balance that and lead me to consider alternate viewpoints. Thinking that only my way or my perspectives are right is not where I want to be. I am practicing more flexibility as I age

I probably shouldn't have said anything about the last request because I think that colors the responses. I haven't followed up with the person involved, so I think that conveys that they crossed the line. But I was having these thoughts even before that.

[whoisjohngalt]

Because I am often low tolerance/reactionary. Other people's perspectives can help balance that and lead me to consider alternate viewpoints. Thinking that only my way or my perspectives are right is not where I want to be. I am practicing more flexibility as I age

I am the same way - low tolerance and reactionary and I am too trying to practice more flexibility - so far, other people's opinions haven't changed my mind on many things, so let me know if this works for you - may be I'll give it a try again

[mmhmm]

Jul 20, 2013 14:34:37 GMT -5 @rockit said:

Jul 20, 2013 13:08:37 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

No, getting opinions is great, but I don't understand how opinions of others can help you decide how to feel about your friend.

I have very low tolerance for BS and may be that's why I don't have a lot of friends.  But I am OK with that.  You might be a completely different person, you might be more forgiving than me, which means that "my" opinion is completely useless to you.

Because I am often low tolerance/reactionary. Other people's perspectives can help balance that and lead me to consider alternate viewpoints. Thinking that only my way or my perspectives are right is not where I want to be. I am practicing more flexibility as I age

I probably shouldn't have said anything about the last request because I think that colors the responses. I haven't followed up with the person involved, so I think that conveys that they crossed the line. But I was having these thoughts even before that.

I don't think the last request made by this party colors the responses you're getting, Rock It.  For me, the picture only becomes clear when you put all the pieces together.  Then, the last request serves to clarify the other pieces of the puzzle.  The result, to me, indicates a user I wouldn't want in my life.

[ZaireinHD]

Jul 20, 2013 9:50:07 GMT -5 @rockit said:

I have a friend (or someone I thought was a friend) that for the last 10 years has only called when THEY want something.  They seem to agree to meet up if there is something on THEIR mind, but don't joint meet ups that are just for fun.   Couple of years ago I jokingly mentioned it to them and they were a bit mortified. So it seems they don't realize they are doing this. I guess nothing is a priority unless it serves their self interest, but it seems more of a natural state than a strategic decision.

This was a respected colleague.  I don't think this behavior is specific to me & they do the same thing with others in the group. 

How would you handle this?  I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore.

being used is one thing, but then once you figure out or start thinking you're being used is something so different. Prior sure it's not a problem, don't mind helping out. but then figuring out - Hey seems like the last few times I hear from this person it's always a request. Wonder what if this person actually enjoys my company or just sees me as a tool? That's when it gets bad for me! Then I wonder if this person would be there for me? which seems like that answer is a no. Cause if I just call to say hello how are you and no response - then guess can't get to go out, or get help, or just chat to catch up.

[Deleted]

 Why don't you "gift" them one of the "badges" available via pbp+?

[Deleted]

I've had a few relationships over the years where I had a growing sense that things were becoming lopsided.  Usually there was one final issues that prompted me to cut the cord.  Some of these folks I'm still on speaking terms with, just in a very casual, "Hi, how you doing?" basis.  Others I dropped completely.

Case in point, one person asked me to do her a favor, helping her pick up a family member who was coming into town, on the pretext that no parking was available near the terminal.  Google street view showed multiple parking lots ringing the terminal, lots of parking available for a price.  Then she said her relative was handicapped and couldn't walk to the parking lot.  Terminal has lots of 10 minute handicapped pickup spots.  Then she said her car was acting up and she didn't trust it to get her to the terminal.  When asked why she didn't take a cab to pick up her relative, she replied that all cabs are driven by ethnic minorities and her relative wouldn't get in a cab.  

Now I just wave when I see her. Thank God for caller I.D.

[Shooby]

  Well, can you give us a general idea of what the unethical thing was?  Did they ask you to drive the get away car? 

[Shooby]

  As for opinions, i just pretty much tend to take people as they are.  There are some people who only want a very superficial friendship with me and that is fine.  As i said, i am good with having a "skiing buddy" or someone whom i only do certain things with.  But,as others have said, it is completely up to you.

[zibazinski]

I think the idea of asking others opinions is a good one you get another's perspective that you haven't thought of. If I wasn't sure about someone just using me, I'd ask some others, and get their input but usually by the time you are asking, you already pretty sure.

[Jaguar]

Jul 20, 2013 16:27:35 GMT -5 @patiencetried said:

 Why don't you "gift" them one of the "badges" available via pbp+?

Don't you like your hot potato Patience, it's a game throw it at someone if you want.

[Deleted]

Jul 21, 2013 19:32:39 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Jul 20, 2013 16:27:35 GMT -5 @patiencetried said:

 Why don't you "gift" them one of the "badges" available via pbp+?

Don't you like your hot potato Patience, it's a game throw it at someone if you want.

 I gather that I can't do so without purchasing a pbp+ membership. I'm not particularly interested in forking over $2.95 per month, deducted automatically every month from my credit card, for the "privilege" of flinging silly emoticons at people I've never met. Classmates.com, ancestry.com, encyclopediabritannica.com, nytimes.com, my local newsmedia's on-line services, etc. etc. etc. All those "nominal" fees tend to accumulate.

[Jaguar]

Yeah the potato I know nothing about, but I thought there was a way to pass it around without purchasing a pbp+ membership.

I divide up and pass out mine most of the time.

Putting out a APB for Virgil Showlion . Question does Patience have to purchase a pbp+ membership to toss the damn potato ? And Virgil why did you do this to him ?

[ZaireinHD]

the co-worker environment there is a common interest. then the person leaves and says "keep in touch" but now it's 100% different and your common interest is gone!

I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore.

when said person calls - that is a function of voice mail. I'm at the point I don't care if said person calls and knows I sent them to voice mail. This will give you the choice to call back on your terms. I would recommend not calling back when there is only a message not stating why. something like messages saying the like:
hello it's John, call me back when you get a chance. NOPE
hello it's Samantha, when you get a chance I have a question. NOPE
 

[Virgil Showlion]

Jul 21, 2013 20:48:14 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Yeah the potato I know nothing about, but I thought there was a way to pass it around without purchasing a pbp+ membership.

I divide up and pass out mine most of the time.

Putting out a APB for Virgil Showlion . Question does Patience have to purchase a pbp+ membership to toss the damn potato ? And Virgil why did you do this to him ?

I tossed him the potato because he's a grouch and I figured he'd like to be included in a community game.

As for your question: No, you don't need a Proboards+ membership to toss the potato. Just click on it, click on 'Badge Action', and choose who you want to toss the potato to.

He can toss it back to me for all I care. I'll pass it to somebody who appreciates it.

[mmhmm]

Oh, for Pete's sake, @patiencetried!  The bloody potato has already been purchased.  Not a penny of your money is required!  Just follow the instructions Virgil has so kindly given you (just as he kindly tossed the potato to you in an effort to include you in the community) in the post right above this one.  I'm sure someone else will be happy to take part in the fun.