Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 9:50:07 GMT -5
I have a friend (or someone I thought was a friend) that for the last 10 years has only called when THEY want something. They seem to agree to meet up if there is something on THEIR mind, but don't joint meet ups that are just for fun. Couple of years ago I jokingly mentioned it to them and they were a bit mortified. So it seems they don't realize they are doing this. I guess nothing is a priority unless it serves their self interest, but it seems more of a natural state than a strategic decision.
This was a respected colleague. I don't think this behavior is specific to me & they do the same thing with others in the group.
How would you handle this? I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 10:01:22 GMT -5
Treat them the same way.
That is, only join them if it's in YOUR best interest.
I was worried a little that I was becoming a bit of user with a couple of friends. During the last 4 or so years I was the "neediest" I've ever recalled being in my life. But I was finally able to reciprocate and we're closer to being "even".
I just hate being in that situation.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jul 20, 2013 10:16:01 GMT -5
Well, do you like and enjoy them when you do get together? Not every friend has to be a best friend. There are friends of convenience too. I have friends where we pretty much only get together to do a specific activity. So, if you accept that and enjoy their company at those times, then i don't see a problem. And, you should do what works for your schedule and what you WANT to do. As for them being mortified, they probably are not intending to hurt your feelings in any way. It is just probably their way and not something to think about. I think you could give them a pass on that and not assume they are doing something intentionally because most of the time people are truly oblivious. But, if you don't enjoy their friendship anymore, that is up to you.
|
|
kilroy
Familiar Member
Joined: Jun 3, 2013 7:29:03 GMT -5
Posts: 754
|
Post by kilroy on Jul 20, 2013 10:18:25 GMT -5
Why does it have to be a "game"? As Rock It said, this person didn't seem to be aware of what they were doing. Some people are just very internally focused and have a hard time thinking about people around them; it doesn't mean they're deliberately trying to be selfish. Once you understand that someone is that way you can decide whether you want to deal with them or not.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 10:24:24 GMT -5
Shooby, their specific activity is that they want something. I think once in 10 years they have joined up when our 'old work group' got together for dinner. Otherwise they are not very responsive to anything.
I was uncomfortable with the last request I received from them (call out of the blue several months after I had sent an inquiry to them as to how they were doing). They asked for assistance on something that felt unethical, so I feel like it broke what friendship there might have been there. I'm not sure it was friendship, although we were all very close when we worked together.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jul 20, 2013 10:25:41 GMT -5
I am not sure what you mean. What kinds of things are they asking for? But, if you feel you are being used by them, you have no obligation to continue the friendship.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 10:29:57 GMT -5
Lone - their behavior didn't change one iota, so I don't think it is a "game" but just how they are. But I don't really like it. Everyone has give/take relationships and sometimes they are imbalanced. This one has been one sided for many years. It was bothering me, so I mentioned it a couple years ago.
I guess it is bothering me much more since the last request made me uncomfortable. I feel like it moved from benign helpfulness (prior requests) to blatant "user".
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jul 20, 2013 10:33:44 GMT -5
Well, then you have your answer on what to do.<br>
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 20, 2013 10:49:57 GMT -5
I have a friend (or someone I thought was a friend) that for the last 10 years has only called when THEY want something. They seem to agree to meet up if there is something on THEIR mind, but don't joint meet ups that are just for fun. Couple of years ago I jokingly mentioned it to them and they were a bit mortified. So it seems they don't realize they are doing this. I guess nothing is a priority unless it serves their self interest, but it seems more of a natural state than a strategic decision. This was a respected colleague. I don't think this behavior is specific to me & they do the same thing with others in the group. How would you handle this? I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore.then don't. Why do people create problems were there are none?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 11:13:55 GMT -5
Asking for OPINIONS on how others would handle something is a "problem"?
|
|
sesfw
Junior Associate
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 15:45:17 GMT -5
Posts: 6,268
|
Post by sesfw on Jul 20, 2013 12:02:36 GMT -5
You can let the answering machine take the calls. If you choose to call them back make the conversation very general and casual. If they ask for something, sympathize with them and change the subject.
But don't let them put you on a guilt trip. And these types will try.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 20, 2013 13:08:37 GMT -5
Asking for OPINIONS on how others would handle something is a "problem"? No, getting opinions is great, but I don't understand how opinions of others can help you decide how to feel about your friend. I have very low tolerance for BS and may be that's why I don't have a lot of friends. But I am OK with that. You might be a completely different person, you might be more forgiving than me, which means that "my" opinion is completely useless to you.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 13:24:31 GMT -5
Someone who I used to work with sent me a message asking me for some company documents after they were gone. I old them I didn't feel comfortable sending them. They then unfriended me on FB and I never heard from him again. I'm not too upset.....
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jul 20, 2013 13:30:55 GMT -5
Shooby, their specific activity is that they want something. I think once in 10 years they have joined up when our 'old work group' got together for dinner. Otherwise they are not very responsive to anything. I was uncomfortable with the last request I received from them (call out of the blue several months after I had sent an inquiry to them as to how they were doing). They asked for assistance on something that felt unethical, so I feel like it broke what friendship there might have been there. I'm not sure it was friendship, although we were all very close when we worked together.Ouch! I think you have your answer right there, Rock It. If someone you know asks you to do something unethical (especially, considering you were doubtful about this person in the first place) that's not a friend. I wouldn't even want it as an acquaintance, and it sounds like you don't, either. This person doesn't sound like the type who would call you to find out if there was something wrong in your relationship, so if you simply turn and walk away from this person, you'll probably never need to explain why. If the person did ask why, I'd tell them the absolute, unvarnished truth.
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 20, 2013 14:06:19 GMT -5
If somebody is asking you to do something unethical then they are not your friend so there is no loss to that friendship. So make sure what they are asking was, in fact, unethical and that you didn't misunderstand their request. If this pattern of using you is often I'd not return their phone calls or just keep the conversations about the weather or whatever is neutral and safe and not get involved any further. They should leave you alone once they realize they can't manipulate you.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 14:34:37 GMT -5
Asking for OPINIONS on how others would handle something is a "problem"? No, getting opinions is great, but I don't understand how opinions of others can help you decide how to feel about your friend. I have very low tolerance for BS and may be that's why I don't have a lot of friends. But I am OK with that. You might be a completely different person, you might be more forgiving than me, which means that "my" opinion is completely useless to you. Because I am often low tolerance/reactionary. Other people's perspectives can help balance that and lead me to consider alternate viewpoints. Thinking that only my way or my perspectives are right is not where I want to be. I am practicing more flexibility as I age
I probably shouldn't have said anything about the last request because I think that colors the responses. I haven't followed up with the person involved, so I think that conveys that they crossed the line. But I was having these thoughts even before that.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 20, 2013 14:59:34 GMT -5
I am the same way - low tolerance and reactionary and I am too trying to practice more flexibility - so far, other people's opinions haven't changed my mind on many things, so let me know if this works for you - may be I'll give it a try again
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jul 20, 2013 15:08:24 GMT -5
No, getting opinions is great, but I don't understand how opinions of others can help you decide how to feel about your friend. I have very low tolerance for BS and may be that's why I don't have a lot of friends. But I am OK with that. You might be a completely different person, you might be more forgiving than me, which means that "my" opinion is completely useless to you. Because I am often low tolerance/reactionary. Other people's perspectives can help balance that and lead me to consider alternate viewpoints. Thinking that only my way or my perspectives are right is not where I want to be. I am practicing more flexibility as I age
I probably shouldn't have said anything about the last request because I think that colors the responses. I haven't followed up with the person involved, so I think that conveys that they crossed the line. But I was having these thoughts even before that.
I don't think the last request made by this party colors the responses you're getting, Rock It. For me, the picture only becomes clear when you put all the pieces together. Then, the last request serves to clarify the other pieces of the puzzle. The result, to me, indicates a user I wouldn't want in my life.
|
|
ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
|
Post by ZaireinHD on Jul 20, 2013 15:58:05 GMT -5
I have a friend (or someone I thought was a friend) that for the last 10 years has only called when THEY want something. They seem to agree to meet up if there is something on THEIR mind, but don't joint meet ups that are just for fun. Couple of years ago I jokingly mentioned it to them and they were a bit mortified. So it seems they don't realize they are doing this. I guess nothing is a priority unless it serves their self interest, but it seems more of a natural state than a strategic decision. This was a respected colleague. I don't think this behavior is specific to me & they do the same thing with others in the group. How would you handle this? I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore. being used is one thing, but then once you figure out or start thinking you're being used is something so different. Prior sure it's not a problem, don't mind helping out. but then figuring out - Hey seems like the last few times I hear from this person it's always a request. Wonder what if this person actually enjoys my company or just sees me as a tool? That's when it gets bad for me! Then I wonder if this person would be there for me? which seems like that answer is a no. Cause if I just call to say hello how are you and no response - then guess can't get to go out, or get help, or just chat to catch up.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 16:27:35 GMT -5
Why don't you "gift" them one of the "badges" available via pbp+?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2013 16:45:01 GMT -5
I've had a few relationships over the years where I had a growing sense that things were becoming lopsided. Usually there was one final issues that prompted me to cut the cord. Some of these folks I'm still on speaking terms with, just in a very casual, "Hi, how you doing?" basis. Others I dropped completely.
Case in point, one person asked me to do her a favor, helping her pick up a family member who was coming into town, on the pretext that no parking was available near the terminal. Google street view showed multiple parking lots ringing the terminal, lots of parking available for a price. Then she said her relative was handicapped and couldn't walk to the parking lot. Terminal has lots of 10 minute handicapped pickup spots. Then she said her car was acting up and she didn't trust it to get her to the terminal. When asked why she didn't take a cab to pick up her relative, she replied that all cabs are driven by ethnic minorities and her relative wouldn't get in a cab.
Now I just wave when I see her. Thank God for caller I.D.
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jul 20, 2013 17:31:51 GMT -5
Well, can you give us a general idea of what the unethical thing was? Did they ask you to drive the get away car?
|
|
Shooby
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 0:32:36 GMT -5
Posts: 14,782
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1cf04f
|
Post by Shooby on Jul 20, 2013 17:33:25 GMT -5
As for opinions, i just pretty much tend to take people as they are. There are some people who only want a very superficial friendship with me and that is fine. As i said, i am good with having a "skiing buddy" or someone whom i only do certain things with. But,as others have said, it is completely up to you.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,910
|
Post by zibazinski on Jul 21, 2013 7:23:54 GMT -5
I think the idea of asking others opinions is a good one you get another's perspective that you haven't thought of. If I wasn't sure about someone just using me, I'd ask some others, and get their input but usually by the time you are asking, you already pretty sure.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on Jul 21, 2013 19:32:39 GMT -5
Why don't you "gift" them one of the "badges" available via pbp+?
Don't you like your hot potato Patience, it's a game throw it at someone if you want.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 18:34:58 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2013 20:16:05 GMT -5
Why don't you "gift" them one of the "badges" available via pbp+?
Don't you like your hot potato Patience, it's a game throw it at someone if you want.
I gather that I can't do so without purchasing a pbp + membership. I'm not particularly interested in forking over $2.95 per month, deducted automatically every month from my credit card, for the "privilege" of flinging silly emoticons at people I've never met. Classmates.com, ancestry.com, encyclopediabritannica.com, nytimes.com, my local newsmedia's on-line services, etc. etc. etc. All those "nominal" fees tend to accumulate.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on Jul 21, 2013 20:48:14 GMT -5
Yeah the potato I know nothing about, but I thought there was a way to pass it around without purchasing a pbp+ membership.
I divide up and pass out mine most of the time.
Putting out a APB for Virgil Showlion . Question does Patience have to purchase a pbp+ membership to toss the damn potato ? And Virgil why did you do this to him ?
|
|
ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
|
Post by ZaireinHD on Jul 21, 2013 20:55:29 GMT -5
the co-worker environment there is a common interest. then the person leaves and says "keep in touch" but now it's 100% different and your common interest is gone!
I feel like I don't want to take their calls anymore.
when said person calls - that is a function of voice mail. I'm at the point I don't care if said person calls and knows I sent them to voice mail. This will give you the choice to call back on your terms. I would recommend not calling back when there is only a message not stating why. something like messages saying the like: hello it's John, call me back when you get a chance. NOPE hello it's Samantha, when you get a chance I have a question. NOPE
|
|
Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:19:33 GMT -5
Posts: 27,448
|
Post by Virgil Showlion on Jul 22, 2013 0:07:15 GMT -5
Yeah the potato I know nothing about, but I thought there was a way to pass it around without purchasing a pbp+ membership.
I divide up and pass out mine most of the time.
Putting out a APB for Virgil Showlion . Question does Patience have to purchase a pbp+ membership to toss the damn potato ? And Virgil why did you do this to him ?
I tossed him the potato because he's a grouch and I figured he'd like to be included in a community game. As for your question: No, you don't need a Proboards+ membership to toss the potato. Just click on it, click on 'Badge Action', and choose who you want to toss the potato to. He can toss it back to me for all I care. I'll pass it to somebody who appreciates it.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jul 22, 2013 0:11:41 GMT -5
Oh, for Pete's sake, @patiencetried! The bloody potato has already been purchased. Not a penny of your money is required! Just follow the instructions Virgil has so kindly given you (just as he kindly tossed the potato to you in an effort to include you in the community) in the post right above this one. I'm sure someone else will be happy to take part in the fun.
|
|