only children and condos

[ontrack]

So my DH and I have been thinking about the kid thing again lately.  We live in a VHCOL area, and realistically, we can only afford a condo and probably an only child (we rent currently).  Even just 2 bedroom condos/townhouses that we're looking at are $350-$400K.  Daycare is $1500-$2000/mo. Will I completely screw up said offspring if all I can provide for them is a condo and no siblings?  Anyone have any relavent experiences? 

[swamp]

Move immediately and quit your job.

Children will only thrive growing up in a rural area with a swack of siblings and a stay at home mom.

[saveinla]

Hopefully not. I too live in a VHCOL area and have a condo and an only child who will be going off to college this fall. It was not the economic conditions for us, but my health issues that caused us to have an only child. I am hoping that I have still raised a well rounded kid who will not hold it against us. If he is, he should have money for counseling, since we are paying for college and he will not have any student loans .

[Pants]

Ontrack - that is up to you. Lots of kids grow up perfectly fine in apartments. Lots of kids grow up not fine in apartments.

I think it's better to have a family with one child in a condo that's not stressed about money vs. a family with two+ kids in the perfect house in the burbs with horrible commutes that is always freaking out about how to make the next payment due. It's up to you to make your family what you want it.

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 17, 2013 12:39:39 GMT -5 ontrack said:

So my DH and I have been thinking about the kid thing again lately.  We live in a VHCOL area, and realistically, we can only afford a condo and probably an only child (we rent currently).  Even just 2 bedroom condos/townhouses that we're looking at are $350-$400K.  Daycare is $1500-$2000/mo. Will I completely screw up said offspring if all I can provide for them is a condo and no siblings?  Anyone have any relavent experiences? 

I lived in a condo for 15 years and there were many families there.  All the kids played together in the park, around their units or at the pool.  We had other SFH developments around us so they had plenty of other people to hang out with if they were the only one in their age group.  We had teachers, lawyers, retirees, CPAs, bartenders, retail people, engineers,  various store managers one of which managed the local titty bar... all kinds of people!   

ETA:  After about the 10 or 12th year there it started changing when the college kids started moving in and the retirees were overtaking the HOA and trying to cut costs on things so we felt it was time to move on.   But it took a long time to get to that point because a lot of us were there for a long time.  Many of us had bought when in our 20's.

[genericname]

Personally I had several siblings, but I don't think being an only child is the kiss of death. I'm sure there are advantages and disadvantages to both family situations. Do what works for you, to hell with what the 'experts' and other people think!

[midjd]

Daycare is $1500-$2000/mo. Will I completely screw up said offspring if all I can provide for them is a condo and no siblings?

I think as long as kids have quality food and healthcare, a safe place to sleep and play, and unconditional love, they will be fine. I know you're in a VHCOLA but from my vague recollection of other posts, you and your DH make good salaries and seem like nice people. I wouldn't worry about it in the least.

ETA - on the sibling front, the only disadvantage I see to having an only child is that they are solely responsible for your care as you and your DH age. (If they marry another only child, double whammy). While having sufficient funds to manage your healthcare as you age takes a huge load off, there can still be the issue of driving you to doctor appointments, sitting in the waiting room while you have surgery, etc.

Then again, there are enough deadbeat sibling stories out there that having more than one certainly doesn't insulate you from burdening only one child.  

Comforting thoughts, no?

[ontrack]

Thanks Mid, and all the other reassuring thoughts.  I usually am so logical with my decisions, but having kids isn't logical, so I'm having trouble moving from the fence.  There are so many variables you can't control.

[souldoubt]

I grew up having roommates being raised by a single mother.  We lived in a house and then in a condo from 4th grade through my first few year in college.  Kids will find other kids to play with wherever you live it doesn't matter.  When we lived in the house I played with a few kids down the street and other kids on a couple different blocks.  We had no problem going to each others house, playing at the school, the park, on our street, etc.  When I lived in the condo I met other kids who lived there and spent a lot of time with them, particularly down at the pool, each others houses and out on the street.  When I lived in the house I had a roommate my age and that guy ended up not even getting his high school diploma.  Where he lived had nothing to do with that it was all his upbringing and the fact that his mom was a crappy parent.   

[midjd]

Jul 17, 2013 13:12:48 GMT -5 ontrack said:

Thanks Mid, and all the other reassuring thoughts.  I usually am so logical with my decisions, but having kids isn't logical, so I'm having trouble moving from the fence.  There are so many variables you can't control.

If it makes you feel any better, I was in the exact same boat. I was never one of those people who always knew I'd be a mother or anything like that. I thought kids were sticky and kind of annoying, and definitely expensive. I wished I could find some equation or online quiz or something that said unequivocally "YES! Have kids!" or "No! Don't do it!"  The whole "it's something you have to decide for yourself" thing annoys me, I want hard facts, not emotional mumbo-jumbo.

Finally the scales tipped enough that I thought I'd regret not having a kid (and especially regret denying DH a kid) more than I'd ever regret having one, so we took the plunge. No regrets yet.

[swamp]

Jul 17, 2013 13:12:48 GMT -5 ontrack said:

Thanks Mid, and all the other reassuring thoughts.  I usually am so logical with my decisions, but having kids isn't logical, so I'm having trouble moving from the fence.  There are so many variables you can't control.

If you have a kid, get used to giving up control.

[sheilaincali]

DS is an only child and loves being an only child.  We always only wanted one kid but to be fair we asked him at a few times in his life if he wished he had siblings.  His answer was always "NO".  We have a very close relationship with our son and won't change that for the world. 

He has lived in everything from a condo, to a town home, to a 6,000 SFH to the house we live in now (around 2,400 sf).  He has been the same kid in every house.  The only thing he wants out of a house is his own space where he is comfortable and that his stuff is in.  At 15 having a yard just means he has to mow in the summer and shovel snow in the winter. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My only advice is:

No matter what you do, it's wrong.

EVERYONE is going to have an opinion on the subject and it'll never end.  So grow a thick skin and do what is best for you.  Screw what other people think.

[ontrack]

Jul 17, 2013 13:40:05 GMT -5 midjd said:

Jul 17, 2013 13:12:48 GMT -5 ontrack said:

If it makes you feel any better, I was in the exact same boat. I was never one of those people who always knew I'd be a mother or anything like that. I thought kids were sticky and kind of annoying, and definitely expensive. I wished I could find some equation or online quiz or something that said unequivocally "YES! Have kids!" or "No! Don't do it!"  The whole "it's something you have to decide for yourself" thing annoys me, I want hard facts, not emotional mumbo-jumbo.

Yep, this is me exactly.  The only difference is that my DH is also on the fence/leaning no kids so if there is an impetus, it has to come from me.  He's also 9 years older (40) and doesn't want to be "too old" if we do take the plunge.

[Deleted]

Will I completely screw up said offspring if all I can provide for them is a condo and no siblings?

No.  You will screw up your offspring because you are a parent.

I'm the parent of an only child.  I find that people tend to project their own feelings about siblings onto their kids. For example all kids go through a stage where they want siblings, or ask about them.  Some of my friends, who wanted more kids, said that they decided to do it because their kid desperately wanted a sibling.  Well of course they do.  Every time they bring up siblings you coo over your kid and tell them what a great idea it is and how wonderful they would be at it.  When my kid brought up having siblings I asked him if he wanted to Mommy and Daddy to share their time with another kid, if he wanted a baby in the house, if he wanted half the toys because half of our kid budget would go to the new kid.  Shockingly DS said he didn't want a sibling.  It's all in how you frame the debate.

Living in apartments or houses is no big deal as long as you are good about taking your kid outside and letting them roam around in the dirt.  Plenty of housedwellers completely fail at that because their kid is in a house so they must have all the space they need.

[sheilaincali]

Drama is 1000% right.  Do what you think is best for you and your husband.  We all make our own happiness in life anyway- so do what will make you happy. 

[Deleted]

Jul 17, 2013 12:42:11 GMT -5 swamp said:

Move immediately and quit your job.

Children will only thrive growing up in a rural area with a swack of siblings and a stay at home mom.

[shanendoah]

If you want to screw up your kid, you're going to have to step up your game. Being an only child living in a condo just isn't going to cut it.
Your best shot at screwing up your kid is drug/alcohol abuse, especially if you start while pregnant. Other tested measures include exposing them to violence on a regular basis, constant neglect, making a 5 year old responsible for the care of younger siblings, and deciding one day to just them on someone else's doorstep. Still, even these methods are not fool proof. Kids are amazingly resilient creatures, and many people who have been through these things (and worse) turn out just fine, or at least only slightly wacked.
And even some of us who had pretty darn hear "perfect" childhoods can turn out slightly wacked.

[alabamagal]

My dad grew up in a small 2 BR apartment in the Bronx with 2 brothers.  Personally, I can't imagine having 3 boys in a small walkup apartment, but they managed, and grew up to the well adjusted adults.

[muttleynfelix]

Shockingly DS said he didn't want a sibling. It's all in how you frame the debate

6 months after becoming a big brother, my DS still doesn't want a sibling.   I get the feeling I'm going to hear "oh no, she wants to play with me" and "oh no, she is looking at me" in a whiny voice for the rest of my life (yes this is a tragedy to my poor son).

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You will, whenever my brother and I are in the backseat together we revert to being children despite being 30 and 23 years old respectively.  If my dad starts trying to swat us while driving it'll feel just like old times.

[muttleynfelix]

We apparently need a screen between the 2 kids in the car if we are going farther than just into town.   8.5 hrs of "oh no she is looking at me" get's really really old.  This morning, she start crawling towards his chair while he ate breakfast and he was freaking out.  Thank god she can't pull up yet, but even if she could, she can't reach him to touch him.  He told me I needed to pick her up because she was getting too close to him. Of course last night, he pretended to tie her up while she was lying on the floor! Apparently that was ok for him to touch her while he was doing that, but not her to touch him.  It doesn't help that she is an imp and at 6 months knows how to push his buttons (not hard) and likes to do it!

[Deleted]

8.5 hrs of "oh no she is looking at me" get's really really old.  This morning, she start crawling towards his chair while he ate breakfast and he was freaking out.

Actually DS does this with the dog.   He complains about her looking at him, following him around, etc.  It's not helpful that he always has food smeared on him.

[whoisjohngalt]

So, I thought your title was "only children and CONDOMS"....

I wasn't sure if I wanted to start reading this thread........

[whoisjohngalt]

Jul 17, 2013 12:39:39 GMT -5 ontrack said:

So my DH and I have been thinking about the kid thing again lately.  We live in a VHCOL area, and realistically, we can only afford a condo and probably an only child (we rent currently).  Even just 2 bedroom condos/townhouses that we're looking at are $350-$400K.  Daycare is $1500-$2000/mo. Will I completely screw up said offspring if all I can provide for them is a condo and no siblings?  Anyone have any relavent experiences? 

I don't know how relevant my experience is, I am an only child who grew up in an apartment.   But I didn't grow up in US, so my life was completely different. 

I think the only thing I can think of as far as condo goes is - it is so awesome FOR ME to have a backyard, bc the white trash that I am, I don't have to get dressed and still be able to throw my kids outside for some fresh air.

We lived in an apartment when my two oldest were born and I had to fight my laziness to get them outside.... but hopefully you are not as lazy as I am

Oh and I loved loved LOVED being an only child.

[Deleted]

If you screw up your kid bad enough maybe that kid will get to live with Later.

[whoisjohngalt]

Jul 17, 2013 12:42:11 GMT -5 swamp said:

Move immediately and quit your job.

Children will only thrive growing up in a rural area with a swack of siblings and a stay at home mom.

Hmmm, you described my situation, and yet, I am still saving for their therapy....

[Sum Dum Gai]

Kids are a pain in the ass no matter what your living situation or how many you have.

[jeep108]

I'm an only child didn't grow up in an apartment.  I only really got lonely, when my friends couldn't play.  Seems like I was always at the neighbors or they were at my house.  I loved the one on one attention I got from my parents.

My husband has a brother, they never talk and lead two totally different lives.  So just because people have more than one does not mean they will be close or still keep in contact once they get older.

As for your kids taking care of you when you get older, no guarantee on that either.  My grandma had 6 kids and only one of the girls out of the six actually has anything to do with her.   

[Deleted]

Jul 17, 2013 14:10:35 GMT -5 ontrack said:

Jul 17, 2013 13:40:05 GMT -5 midjd said:

Yep, this is me exactly.  The only difference is that my DH is also on the fence/leaning no kids so if there is an impetus, it has to come from me.  He's also 9 years older (40) and doesn't want to be "too old" if we do take the plunge.

Me too.  I had my baby 12 weeks ago and it is the most awesome thing ever.