Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2013 19:36:47 GMT -5
This is going to sound like I'm asking for back door kudos, but I'm really not, so if we could just not go there it wold be ok.
A high school friend, sweetest, nicest girl, was diagnosed early,in our 20s, with MS. She has had to accept increasing limitations on her expectations and standard of living. After a recent nasty flare up, she is on short term disability and reconciling to the fact that she is probably done working. This is another blow to independence for a woman who has always worked hard, since she was a teenager.
One positive outcome has come of admitting her limitations. In the past two years she has pretty much just gone to work and home... Places set up for her needs. Last week she let her husband take her to Walmart in a wheelchair and realized not walking might actually allow her more freedom. She talked about getting a motorized chair.
I asked her yesterday if she picked one out. She said she did, but the one she wants isn't covered by insurance, and with recent bills it will have to wait awhile.
I really want to just get it for her. I have some 'spreading it around' money left in an account from when my dad gifted me. I can do it without hardship. I just know she is likely to try to decline help.
How should I offer? Just outright ask? Try to do it annonymously? Not sure how to do that exactly? Ask some other friends to make it seem like its a group gift? I'm just not good at these things. And I don't want her to say no?
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jul 9, 2013 19:41:19 GMT -5
Ask friends to help make it a group gift or just get it for her and say Merry early Christmas.
I love gifting it to her with a big red bow around it in secret. So set it up that she opens up the door and there it is. You could be in a van secretly taping her.
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kent
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Post by kent on Jul 9, 2013 19:42:35 GMT -5
Oped, good for you! I think I'd just approach her and say, "We're on the way to the store to get you the wheelchair you want - this is not up for discussion, PERIOD." Kent
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 9, 2013 19:42:42 GMT -5
You can buy it for her and have it delivered without saying who it's from. Put a bow on it and say it's from Santa and that it's just an early present. I would love to do something like that! I'm sorry your friend is going through something like that so young. And you are awesome! <<runs before Oped hurts me and somebody has to buy me a wheel chair>>
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2013 20:12:41 GMT -5
You don't want kudos, but you will get them from me regardless. It isn't about the gift. It is about helping your friend. Thank you from one human being to another.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 9, 2013 20:16:01 GMT -5
I would contact her husband, try to find the model she wants and have it delivered.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2013 20:19:46 GMT -5
Some good ideas. My problem with annonymous was not knowing which one she wants or how to just send money. I am not nearly as close to husband, i could try or if not maybe her mom or aunt could find out.
I am also thinking a combined wrongside/kent approach where I just show up, said my dad sent me to get her the chair and that's what's happening, period. Might work.
i think I'm just really sad. It's one of those things that makes you realize what a crap shoot the whole thing is.... And makes you count your blessings and wonder how you got so lucky. I've been crying a bit the last few days... And I'm not a crier.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 9, 2013 20:54:02 GMT -5
I was going to say what Kent said. I am not sure how you shop for wheelchairs, but I would pretty much just tell her instead of asking her. I wouldn't say anything about your dad or "i have extra money" or anything else. I would be very nonchalant about it Just "hey, we are doing it. pick a day, pick a model". But that's my blunt approach to life, not everyone is like me (thankfully? ) P.S. - I am not even going to go into how sad the situation is......
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jul 9, 2013 21:07:27 GMT -5
Oped - I think I love you. Ask your friend's family how to help and make it anonymous.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jul 9, 2013 21:29:52 GMT -5
Ask the husband or other family member what model she wants. If you ask her, she might feel uncomfortable naming the one she really wants and instead name a less expensive one.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 9, 2013 21:33:40 GMT -5
Idk. Why isn't it covered by insurance? My Dad has a hoveround. Medicare and or his reg ins. Paid for it. Dr. Had to complete forms more than 1 x. Mom and Dad resisted getting it for a very long time b/c once you have the wheelchair you are much less likely to put the effort forth to walk/be independent. A 60 ish guy in my sat am workout class has MS. Class is in basement. He comes with his wife. She comes down and sets up. He leaves his walker at the top of the stairs and pulls himself downstairs using the handrail. I have worked out with him for years and know he is losing muscle strength, but am pretty sure he is a shining star patient.
My Dads wheelchair was fit specifically for his height and weight. So if you want to go ahead talk to her or her DH.
Sent from my MB855 using proboards
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Jul 9, 2013 23:07:24 GMT -5
Could just put the money or pre-paid cc in her mailbox? With a typed note saying what it's for? Or just visit her and leave the money with a card and small note to find later? Maybe something like that if you can't get any of her family and other friends involved.
And thank you for being a kind and wonderful soul.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 9, 2013 23:42:36 GMT -5
Don't forget a wheel chair might be hard to transport. If she doesn't have a van she might need a rack or something to not be able to take it places. A manual wheel chair might be better because it is lighter and can be folded up and put in the trunk. Then you could take her shopping and push the chair or her husband could. If only she has a way to move the chair she might not have as much freedom to go with other people.
A simple transport wheel chair can be gotten at Costco or even a used one at a thrift shop and she can use it after she gets her nicer one. Her insurance might pay for a standard or transport chair. Transport chairs have smaller tires. Mom was using a rolling walker so you walk until you are tired then sit a while and we would push her in it when she was in the wrong end of the mall and tired.
One way to get her what she wants is to offer to lend her the money to get it now. Take her shopping for it then pay for it and she can pay you back later, then forgive the debt as a gift.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Jul 10, 2013 6:15:32 GMT -5
oped.....whatever you decide, your instincts are good and I suspect that you'll know how best to give her the wheelchair. You're a good kid.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2013 8:04:13 GMT -5
I know that feeling. ((hugs))
She needs to be there for fitting etc. so you kind of need to tell her. Tell her that the gift is kind of selfish on your part. If she has it she is more mobile and you get to see more of her out of the house.
And it is a very nice thing you are doing.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jul 10, 2013 8:37:05 GMT -5
What is your friend's temperament? I only ask because some people, when given expensive gifts, actually feel badly about receiving them (embarrassed that it's "too much" or it hurts their pride, etc). I'm one of those people, and I know if a good friend bought me an expensive gift it would probably impact our relationship a bit. Not that I wouldn't be gracious and accept it for the kind gesture it is, but I would then feel exposed and weak whenever I saw my friend and would probably feel we were unequal. I admit this is irrational, but I'm pretty independent and have a lot of pride in being competent.
For this reason, I would maybe suggest saying it was a group gift. This takes the sting out of the inequality theme and makes it more about "community rallying around someone they love."
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 10, 2013 12:24:11 GMT -5
I am not sure how to give her the wheelchair, but hope you find the way to help her life easier.
My little story about this is that my bother was diagnosed with MS at 23. He has had some real bad relapses. He has also had some relapses where the drugs to stop it have felt worse than the MS. When he was first diagnosed 30ish years ago the info the Dr's told us was crazy frightening. He expected to be in the wheelchair by 40 and dead by 65, or just wish he was. So although it doesn't mean it is the case in every MS patient's life, he has always managed to come back to feeling better again and regain most of his mobility. So don't lose hope!
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