Would you tell your spouse

[Phoenix84]

Just to complete the thread  topic . 

Would you tell your spouse if YOU were cheating on them? 

[hoops902]

I'd tell my spouse prior.  She knows what she got herself into when she married me.

[Phoenix84]

In my experience, obviously you're better off not doing it in the first place, and same goes with lying.  If you lie, you have to keep lying to cover up the lie and things just get out of hand. 

But also in my experience, when someone does eventually "come clean" oftentimes it doesn't matter that that person was honest, often they face the full reprocussions of the act.  So I'd usually counsel someone to maintain the lie. 

To put it bluntly, if for whatever reason I was cheating on my spouse, I don't think I'd tell them, assuming I wanted to keep it secret and keep the marriage alive.  I would assume telling them would end the marriage, and coming clean would not matter.  I've seen cases of co workers who come clean to their spouses and then they divorce them anyway.  If I was truely feeling guilty, I'd just break off the affair.

Again though, this is hypothetical, and I almost certainly wouldn't cheat in the first place, since I don't believe that's the right thing to do and I doubt I could live with myself afterward.  Plus I can't even get ONE girlfriend, forget two or more!

[Miss Tequila]

I see nothing good coming from ever telling. As I said in the other thread, my husbands friended cheated once when he was away in the military. He couldn't take the guilt so he told his wife. She through him out and it was only with air if time that they reconciled. Obviously he should t have cheated but once he did he should have kept his mouth shut. He hurt his wife in a way that he can never take back. Yes, either way he did it but relieving his guilt was not worth sevestating his wife.

[hoops902]

::But also in my experience, when someone does eventually "come clean" oftentimes it doesn't matter that that person was honest, often they face the full reprocussions of the act. So I'd usually counsel someone to maintain the lie. ::

I agree with you that for YOU as the cheater, often confessing it does you zero good.  If they're going to leave you when they catch you, they're probably going to leave you when you admit it.  I think the 2 big reasons people confess is 1.  They just can't keep the secret, they feel guilty.  or possibly more often 2.  They really kind of are done with the relationship, and the admission is an easy way to have it be over.  Personally I think "I'm a cheating asshole, blame me, be mad at me, and end the relationship" can be a lot easier of a conversation than "listen, I don't know why, i can't explain it, but i just don't love you anymore and maybe i never really did".

I think especially for guys, it's easier to have that act out there as a tangible thing than it is to try to explain something conceptual like love.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't ... I firmly believes that it never accomplishes anything but makes the cheater feel better and hurt the person being cheated on.

So again... No, I would not willingly confess to my wife if I ever cheated on her.

[justme]

But also in my experience, when someone does eventually "come clean" oftentimes it doesn't matter that that person was honest, often they face the full repercussions of the act. So I'd usually counsel someone to maintain the lie.

Uh, duh. The person was lying for months/weeks. One instance of momentary honesty doesn't instantly make up for numerous other instances of lying. Especially if the moment of honest comes from trying to relieve guilt or beat the truth coming out. Realistically if someone suddenly had an epiphany and wanted to get back to their marriage and make it the best they could they most likely could do that without telling the other person.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 10, 2013 16:38:10 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I see nothing good coming from ever telling. As I said in the other thread, my husbands friended cheated once when he was away in the military. He couldn't take the guilt so he told his wife. She through him out and it was only with air if time that they reconciled. Obviously he should t have cheated but once he did he should have kept his mouth shut. He hurt his wife in a way that he can never take back. Yes, either way he did it but relieving his guilt was not worth sevestating his wife.

Yeah, that was my point.  I'm not promoting cheating, but if someone came to me and said "I feel really guillty about cheating on my spouse, but I want to keep my marriage, should I confess or not."  I would say "break off the affair and keep your mouth shut."  As you said, it hurts your spouse in a way you can never take back.  And assuming you want to keep/save the marriage, I think it's better if you don't say anything.  As I said, honestly rarely makes a difference in the cases I've seen, their spouse still ends up divorcing them, even if they came clean. 

It's a nice sentiment to think that if you come clean & tell the truth all will be forgiven, but I've rarely seen that to be the case.

[Peace Of Mind]

If I wanted to try to work out the marriage I would tell.  You and the person you cheat with have the power/advantage over the one cheated on because you share a huge secret against the spouse.   It puts you in alliance with that person instead of your spouse.  Telling the spouse you cheated on them which would cause them great pain but it would also give them back the power/advantage to decide whether they want to work things out or let you go.  If they want to try to work things out they can go from there and the other person (person cheated with) no longer has anything over either of you.  You took that power away from them to ruin it from there on IF there is a chance to salvage the relationship.  Telling your spouse puts you back into alliance with the spouse.   If the spouse doesn't want to work things out you are on your own or you get the person you cheated with.  But would you really want that person?  I wouldn't.  And neither spouse, most likely, are innocent unless the cheater is just a whore/whore dog.  NOT saying the one cheated on is responsible for the cheater's behavior.  Just that there is usually an underlying problem in the marriage that both caused in some way.

I'm probably not explaining that right but I know what I mean. 

[mmhmm]

I couldn't cheat on the person to whom I am married.  It's just not something I could do.  If things were so bad I found myself thinking about cheating, that's the time I'd come clean ... before anything went any further.  Either whatever is wrong with the marriage that's caused me to be tempted is fixed, or the marriage is ended.  Cheating on someone to whom I've made a commitment just isn't on my dance card.  Of course, at my age, it ain't something that's likely to be coming up.

[souldoubt]

I couldn't cheat on my SO.  If it ever got to the point that our relationship was so bad, boring or call it what you will that I needed to find someone else I would break off my current relationship first. 

[Opti]

I really like POM's explanation. Yes honesty doesn't always save the marriage anymore than someone doing drugs or gambling behind their spouse's back. If cheating is your deal-breaker I think you have the right to know instead of finding out some day in the future whether it is while the spouse is alive or not.

Not only does the cheating spouse have an alliance with the lover they cheated with, unless
they are very discreet, there are other people who know. Some who might inadvertently ask what happened to your BF/GF/former spouse when seeing you with the person you married. Yes perhaps you can avoid those people, but unless you were out of the country or far away there is the chance the waiter at your favorite lover restaurant becomes the new server at one of your usual haunts with the spouse or something similar.

[Deleted]

I think most people that come clean do so because the lie is about to be exposed by someone else.  Maybe the "other woman".  Maybe someone who suspects.  Maybe a bill for something that can't be hidden.  It is preemptive in hopes of lessoning the blow.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 10, 2013 17:07:38 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

I couldn't cheat on the person to whom I am married.  It's just not something I could do.  If things were so bad I found myself thinking about cheating, that's the time I'd come clean ... before anything went any further.  Either whatever is wrong with the marriage that's caused me to be tempted is fixed, or the marriage is ended.  Cheating on someone to whom I've made a commitment just isn't on my dance card.  Of course, at my age, it ain't something that's likely to be coming up.

I don't know, you could cheat on us and moderate another message board .  All the sweet nothings you whisper into our ears are lies, and your other message boards are really your favorites

[Phoenix84]

Anyways, back to the topic at hand.

Thing about infidelity that never made much sense to me is why on earth would you have sexual relations with someone who is married?  That seems more baffeling to me than someone cheating on their spouse (not that it makes much sense either).

To me, having an affair with a married person just screams low self esteem.  I don't think I could ever do that, since I think I deserve better. 

[Malarky]

My ex cheated on me.  I would never level that amount of hurt on another human being. 

DH and I have had an understanding since before we were married:  If you need to leave, be up front.  But go.  Yes, there'll be a lot of hurt feelings, but we will recover so much better without the lying.  I'd say it hurts a lot less to say I need to move on, than to move on and then inform the one left behind. 

So far, neither of us has played that card.  Or I'm incredibly naïve. 

So yes, I'd tell.  Before the fact.  There have been a couple of interesting people over the past 20 years with DH.  The most interesting thing about them turns out to be that they remind me of him at other points in our life together.  Nothing worth pursuing.  Nothing better than I already have.

[mmhmm]

Jun 10, 2013 17:42:40 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Jun 10, 2013 17:07:38 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

I couldn't cheat on the person to whom I am married.  It's just not something I could do.  If things were so bad I found myself thinking about cheating, that's the time I'd come clean ... before anything went any further.  Either whatever is wrong with the marriage that's caused me to be tempted is fixed, or the marriage is ended.  Cheating on someone to whom I've made a commitment just isn't on my dance card.  Of course, at my age, it ain't something that's likely to be coming up.

I don't know, you could cheat on us and moderate another message board .  All the sweet nothings you whisper into our ears are lies, and your other message boards are really your favorites

LOL!  I don't have time to moderate another darned message board.  You lot take it all!

[midjd]

Another thought - it seems like most of the responses in all threads have focused on sexual affairs (although there have been brief mentions of emotional/financial).

It seems like for women, an emotional affair would be much harder to forgive than a physical affair, and for men it's the opposite. I wonder why that is?

And do people feel compelled to confess emotional affairs the way they do physical affairs? Or do they even admit it to themselves while it's going on?

[mmhmm]

I'd consider an emotional affair pretty much equal to a physical affair.  If I became that emotionally involved with another person, I'd feel I was betraying the person with whom I'd promised to spend my life, and to whose life I'd promised a commitment.  I'm not sure I even know what a "financial" affair might be.

[Deleted]

To me love has many shades.

It doesn't have to be one way or others.
The mere fact of your heart is open to possibility of love is beautiful to see.  

[Peace Of Mind]

Jun 10, 2013 18:19:58 GMT -5 @snowbird said:

To me love has many shades.

It doesn't have to be one way or others.
The mere fact of your heart is open to possibility of love is beautiful to see.  

LMAO!!  So you are admitting to cheating? 

[Deleted]

It's all about what you perceive to interpret my wording.

And matter of fact I love all of  living creature. 

[Opti]

Jun 10, 2013 17:44:45 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Anyways, back to the topic at hand.

Thing about infidelity that never made much sense to me is why on earth would you have sexual relations with someone who is married?  That seems more baffeling to me than someone cheating on their spouse (not that it makes much sense either).

To me, having an affair with a married person just screams low self esteem.  I don't think I could ever do that, since I think I deserve better. 

If Craigslist ads are any indicator it is because cheating spouses believe cheating with another married person keeps them in the same boat. Both supposedly love their spouse, family, etc. too much to leave but the sex and passion has gone stale so they want some on the side.

Why single folk do it? If the self-help books are right it is because they don't actually want a FT relationship. Occasional sex crammed into the week works for them.

[Phoenix84]

It's interesting to discuss the ethics of cheating and telling your spouse.  I can see POM's point of putting your allegience to your spouse first and breaking the hold the other partner has over you.  But I also see Cawaiu's point that if it's done, and you feel guilty, and you still love the other person, hurting them by telling them just so you can feel better isn't a good course of action either.  Because, as MidJD said, you deserve the guilt, the other person doesn't deserve to be devestated by your actions.

[Peace Of Mind]

Jun 10, 2013 18:57:01 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

It's interesting to discuss the ethics of cheating and telling your spouse.  I can see POM's point of putting your allegience to your spouse first and breaking the hold the other partner has over you.  But I also see Cawaiu's point that if it's done, and you feel guilty, and you still love the other person, hurting them by telling them just so you can feel better isn't a good course of action either.  Because, as MidJD said, you deserve the guilt, the other person doesn't deserve to be devestated by your actions.

Phoenix, I think Cawaiu's point works with a one nighter discreet liaison (probably with a stranger) that was a mistake.  I think my point works with an on-going affair which usually means emotions (not just lust) may be involved or familiarity with somebody in your community/work, etc.

[Opti]

But I also see Cawaiu's point that if it's done, and you feel guilty, and you still love the other person, hurting them by telling them just so you can feel better isn't a good course of action either.

My thought on this is if it is anything more than a one night stand if its all about you odds are you are just going to cheat again because it will appear you got away with it. You didn't love the person enough to not cheat and you don't love them enough to come clean and take the consequences. The affair and the coverup becomes all about you. If you hurt your spouse less in the short term its just a side benefit IMO.

I think if you go for that slippery logic of "Oh, confessing would just hurt my spouse so I'd better stay silent" it allows for all sorts of nasty stuff. You can be a pedophile or a rapist but keep it from your spouse because it "just would hurt them". Heck, you could even kill your spouse and never let your kids know what happened to their parent because it just would distress them. You can gamble away the family fortune and replenish it with bank theft and say nothing.

[Deleted]

I know cheating is wrong no matter what.  

[whoisjohngalt]

If I wanted to stay married - no, I would not bc my DH would NEVER EVER forgive me, so the marriage would be over 5 seconds before I finished my telling him.

If I didn't want to stay married - no, I would not bc my DH would most likely to get very vindictive and divorce would be even more of a hell to go through. 

That being said - I would never cheat.  Yes, I am that perfect and all, but mostly I am just lazy.  Lying seems like such a hard work.  I already have enough crap to do and enough things to remember.  I can't handle any more.

[simser]

I did cheat on a spouse... Flame away.

Anyways I did not tell. I told him 3 days after the affair was over that I was unhappy in the marriage. I divorced him 4 months later.

My decision was that if we divorced I didn't want to crush him further. If we stayed together I would have told him. He would have needed to know how bad it was and to restart the trust again. To this day he has no idea.

I've also been the other woman. But that's a different discussion...

[zibazinski]

Whee! That's got to be a great story.