Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 10:09:00 GMT -5
If your spouse was cheating on you with another married person, would you contact their spouse? What would be the purpose? Misery loves company?
My wife cousin just got a visit this weekend from the husband of her ex-husband lover/girlfriend. He felt that she should know that her husband has been sleeping at his house with his wife, etc. When he found out (he is a cop and works night) he moved out . My wife cousin told him that while she was sorry for him, she was divorced and whom her husband is doing is no longer her business.
Thank God for Haiti, you can go on Thursday Married and be back Saturday divorced; the land of quickie divorces!
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 10:12:44 GMT -5
No. My marriage might be over, but I'm not going to butt into someone else's marriage.
Vindictiveness.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Jun 10, 2013 10:15:45 GMT -5
The only way I would consider it is if the spouse was a close friend of mine and if I knew of the affair I would tell them even if it didn't involve me. Just like I'd want my close friends to. If you know without a doubt my husband is cheating on me and you're my close friend, please tell me.
In other instances I think it's a combo of misery loves company, when you're hurt you want to hurt other people, some people think that if they tell the other spouse the affair will stop, some just like to put their nose in other's business, and some just think the right thing to do is tell a person you've never met about the affair.
Your case is weird. How in the world did he find the cousin and not know they were divorced?
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,242
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
Member is Online
|
Post by Opti on Jun 10, 2013 10:16:05 GMT -5
Not sure. In this age of widespread sexual diseases I would inform the spouse so they could protect themselves if they weren't already aware.
Is this the cousin with serious financial problems, etc.?
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,133
|
Post by giramomma on Jun 10, 2013 10:17:00 GMT -5
Yes I would.
Three reasons. 1: It's common knowledge that the quickest way to end the affair is to "out" it. Affairs thrive in secrecy/fantasy. Others knowing takes away from the fantasy.
2. If someone else has crucial information that affects my life, I would not like it with held from me. I've btdt. My H withheld crucial information, such that I likely would not have married him when we were married. He played god with my life. I've moved on/forgiven him, but I will never, ever ever be OK that he did not allow me to make fully informed decisions about my life. I would like to know if my spouse had a double life, and I'm presuming others would too..
3. I value my health, and I'd assume others would too. On survivinginfidelity.com, there's the really bad cases that come up occasionally, where the cheating partner passes on HIV to the spouse (One in particular, the husband had HIV from an affair, and passed it along to his breastfeeding wife..). Or, the cheating partner got cancer from the affair partner's STDs. I mean, if your partner's behavior could give you cancer or HIV, wouldn't you like to know about it?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 10:21:20 GMT -5
How in the world did he find the cousin and not know they were divorced? She went to Haiti with my MIL last month and got a quickie divorce. Went on Thursday, met with the lawyer on Friday; he got her in front of a judge Saturday morning and done. By the time she was on the plane ride back that afternoon she was a divorced woman. Her aunts gift to her (MIL and 2 sisters) and they paid for it. They knew if they went through the US systems he would drag it out and make her life as miserable as possible (like he is doing with the custody for their son). So unless you are family or close friends you probably won't know they are divorced.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 10:22:47 GMT -5
I know someone this happened to. A man came banging on her door early one morning to tell her that her husband was at a hotel with the man's live in girlfriend. It was like a bad tv show.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 10:24:50 GMT -5
No. My marriage might be over, but I'm not going to butt into someone else's marriage. Vindictiveness. I am 100% with Swamp on that one.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 10:25:35 GMT -5
I might. I guess I don't really know. And it would depend on the situation - if I knew anything about the other couple. If they were just troubled, or a couple of douchebags - it might change how I would feel about the situation. I might think I would, and then chicken out. I don't know.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,133
|
Post by giramomma on Jun 10, 2013 10:31:21 GMT -5
Deleting..
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 10:36:47 GMT -5
Any type of cheating is grounds for divorce to me. I would never be able trust him again.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,242
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
Member is Online
|
Post by Opti on Jun 10, 2013 10:47:47 GMT -5
Good to know the trip to Haiti was for a bigger purpose than a vacation. Does the US recognize divorces granted in Haiti? Does XH know he's an ex and was custody spelled out over there?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 10:58:19 GMT -5
I'm sure they recognize the divorce but if you have children and property in the U.S. you still need to work out child custody, CS, and split the marital property.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 11:01:17 GMT -5
Good to know the trip to Haiti was for a bigger purpose than a vacation. Does the US recognize divorces granted in Haiti? Does XH know he's an ex and was custody spelled out over there? The trip was a vacation, the sisters decide to gift her a divorce since she was already over there. They knew she didn't file for a divorce here because she couldn't afford it so since they were already going to be in Haiti MIL figured why not. Ex husband knows they are divorced and custody is being spelled out in US courts. They still go to court every couple of weeks to hammer it out.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 10, 2013 11:05:43 GMT -5
If it was someone I knew, I would probably tell. If it was a stranger to me, probably not.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 11:07:34 GMT -5
Probably more useful than a tattoo.
|
|
Formerly SK
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 27, 2011 14:23:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,255
|
Post by Formerly SK on Jun 10, 2013 11:09:19 GMT -5
If I absolutely 100% knew of the affair (ie not just a rumor) I'd probably tell the person. I guess for me, the only thing worse than my DH cheating would be for others to know about it and not tell me. I don't think it has to do with vindictiveness but rather respect. It's like letting someone walk around with spinach in their teeth.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 11:12:18 GMT -5
If I absolutely 100% knew of the affair (ie not just a rumor) I'd probably tell the person. I guess for me, the only thing worse than my DH cheating would be for others to know about it and not tell me. I don't think it has to do with vindictiveness but rather respect. It's like letting someone walk around with spinach in their teeth. LOL - wow, what a comparison! Person 1: Tell me about the worst thing that ever happened to you in your life. Person 2: It was either the time I found out my husband was cheating on me, or the day I went like 2 hours with spinach in my teeth. Person 1: I can see how that would be a real toss up.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,617
|
Post by swamp on Jun 10, 2013 11:13:26 GMT -5
If I absolutely 100% knew of the affair (ie not just a rumor) I'd probably tell the person. I guess for me, the only thing worse than my DH cheating would be for others to know about it and not tell me. I don't think it has to do with vindictiveness but rather respect. It's like letting someone walk around with spinach in their teeth. LOL - wow, what a comparison! Person 1: Tell me about the worst thing that ever happened to you in your life. Person 2: It was either the time I found out my husband was cheating on me, or the day I went like 2 hours with spinach in my teeth. Person 1: I can see how that would be a real toss up. what if your husband was cheating on you while you had spinach in your teeth?
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Jun 10, 2013 11:14:18 GMT -5
DH had a long affair with a married woman. When her husband found out he threatened to tell me and ultimately decided not to. This was a few years ago and DH and I are still married. We went through a lengthy counseling process (joint and individual so 3 separate therapists plus DH's psychiatrist for his bipolar disorder).
I wish the other woman's husband had told me. I felt like a chump for being the last to find out. After it all came out he and I did communicate some. I eventually had to file a restraining order against the other woman because she starting stalking my son and I. She would send me hundreds of emails a day, send letters and packages to my 9 year old son, call the house over and over again. Her ex-husband who was a lawyer himself helped with some of the paperwork. As for the emails- my email address was on my company's website because I did all of the sales and design work so legitimate customers needed to be able to easy find my email address so they could contact me. Changing it wasn't an option as it was printed on my business cards and all of the company's literature.
Found out after the fact that she had some serious mental issues and was sleeping with several other married men at the same time. She started stalking all of the wives too.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 11:16:47 GMT -5
If it was someone I knew, I would probably tell. If it was a stranger to me, probably not. Wouldn't it be harder if it was a someone you knew vs a stranger? My other thing is what is there to gain from it? I would be more concerned/worried with dealing with my cheating spouse vs telling on their lover.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 11:18:24 GMT -5
what if your husband was cheating on you while you had spinach in your teeth? Could you imagine?! I'd have to be hospitalized.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 11:19:05 GMT -5
Probably more useful than a tattoo. And again we agree
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Jun 10, 2013 11:21:20 GMT -5
I don't think people go in to telling the other spouse involved hoping to "gain" something. I think it may be a case of 'misery loves company' or they feel that the other person has the right to know. The other husband wanted to tell me because he felt I deserved to know. He wussed out and didn't tell me and has since apologized for not telling me. I didn't know the other husband but I did know who the other woman was. DH had briefly dated her in college and the husband and DH were fraternity brothers. Of the other married guys she was sleeping with (both before and after her divorce) most of them were fraternity brothers too. It was a very strange situation.
But from conversation that G and I had- he didn't hope to gain anything he just thought I deserved to know the truth.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,069
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 10, 2013 11:21:53 GMT -5
Don't know. I'd hope to have more substainal proof than my cheating ex's word for it. He could throw out any name he wants and how would I know? I could ruin someone's marriage over potentially nothing. Or I could have even more crap hurled my way because they don't believe me.
Tricky situation. That's way more involved than I would want to be in someone else's marriage and I wouldn't blame anyone else for not wanting to get on that crazy train.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 11:27:35 GMT -5
I can't help but think of the Mad Men episode from last night. Should Sally tell Megan? Do you think she will tell her Mom? I loved his explanation. "It wasn't what you think. It is complicated." Ha ha - his pants were around his ankles. LOL.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 6:28:40 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2013 11:33:36 GMT -5
This is one of those situations where I'd bet the receiver blames the messenger. I don't think I would do it.
Then again, if it was my BFF or one of my sisters I would feel compelled to tell them knowing that our relationship would make it through them blaming me. So I guess my answer would depend on the person....
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 10, 2013 11:33:59 GMT -5
If it was someone I knew, I would probably tell. If it was a stranger to me, probably not. Wouldn't it be harder if it was a someone you knew vs a stranger? My other thing is what is there to gain from it? I would be more concerned/worried with dealing with my cheating spouse vs telling on their lover. I should have said "if it was someone that I knew and liked" bc I would feel terrible about them not knowing. I think it would be very humiliating. Stranger - well, I don't feel like I owe them anything, so.... Like I said it's all a "probably" - hard to say until you actually have to face something like that
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,762
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 10, 2013 11:37:00 GMT -5
If it was someone I would see often - like a father at my kid's school or something, I would probably need to tell them or leave the area (or both.) I don't think I could stand seeing the couple together at every band concert for the next 10 years and wondering if she was lying to him, or still sleeping around on the side, or whatever. I might wait a few months to see if she left him to be with my newly divorced husband or something.
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,133
|
Post by giramomma on Jun 10, 2013 12:14:35 GMT -5
This is one of those situations where I'd bet the receiver blames the messenger. I don't think I would do it. Maybe, in the beginning, when the receiver finds out. But, if the receiver does their homework and heals from the process, he or she should realize that the messenger had nothing to do with it. Unless the messenger forced the spouse to cheat somehow. No one else is responsible for a spouse dropping his or her drawers, except for the cheating spouse. So, in fact is isn't the messenger that has "ruined/broken/damaged/whatever" the marriage, but the actions of the cheating spouse.
|
|