Who has a 21 year old....

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

...that has never seem to had a girlfriend.  I am sure he has but never any I have met. I think he is lonely now. Is this unusual.

[Deleted]

I rather suspect that this could have been my son.  He was really nerdy.  He really doesn't have social skills; he was fine eating lunch by himself.  His sister, however, encouraged him to be more social and helped him ask out a girl in tenth grade.   He married her after high school graduation, and they now have three/soon-to-be four kids.

I wouldn't worry about it.  I would just encourage him to do social activities.  Once you graduate from college, it gets harder and harder to meet people your own age.  So he has to make an effort.  It should be something he wants to do, though--volunteer work like Habitat for Humanity or church or badminton or whatever.

There is a possibility, you know, that he is gay and is hesitant about introducing you to his partner.  So just encourage him to invite his friends, male and female, to Sunday dinner or holiday meals.

I'd worry more about the loneliness than the fact that he has never had a girlfriend.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I was the 21 year old that never seemed to have a girlfriend.  It sure wasn't for lack of trying though.

[Deleted]

DS took quite awhile to get his act together after his father and I divorced when he was 12.  Military school (co-ed) helped a bit.  Then he got into college and nearly got thrown out for bad grades till he got counseling to manage his ADD (and medication which helped while he was learning non-medication tactics).  Then he got involved in a conservative evangelical church that in some ways helped him deal with some of the issues from the divorce and learn to forgive his father.  They did, however, frown on one-on-one dating unless you and the young lady in question agreed that it was likely to lead to marriage.  What emotional baggage for accepting a first date!  Twice he approached young ladies in whom he was interested and was gently rebuffed.  The third one was the charm.  We liked her as soon as he met her and they were married 2 months ago.  It's a joy to see them together.  He turns 29 this year.

So, just love your son and make sure he's out doing things he enjoys and don't give up hope!

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

Being gay has crossed my mind but I don't think so and wouldn't care. My kids are SOOOO different, DD is a social gal. He is more nerdy, funny sense of humor. He has friends he has had since middle school but he is in a crowd of friends that all went of to college. He had an apartment by himself that we both thought he would love but in the end he didn't and now lives with a room mate in the same complex and DD and her boyfriend.

We asked him to come over for dinner the other day and DD said he was at a hookah lounge so I think he is going out. DD BF is the same age and the three of them have hung out. I think he may be socially awkward. But I do think he is lonely. He asked me the other day if it would bother me if he asked out a young lady (african american) have no idea where he got that from ...... I said of course as long as she is nice and treats you well, then he laughed when I said so when are you going to ask her out, he said hahaha, then he got serious and told me a bit about her. So we do talk, but he doesn't like going into things to deep so we have to be careful.

[swamp]

Jun 7, 2013 20:23:51 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

DS took quite awhile to get his act together after his father and I divorced when he was 12.  Military school (co-ed) helped a bit.  Then he got into college and nearly got thrown out for bad grades till he got counseling to manage his ADD (and medication which helped while he was learning non-medication tactics).  Then he got involved in a conservative evangelical church that in some ways helped him deal with some of the issues from the divorce and learn to forgive his father.  They did, however, frown on one-on-one dating unless you and the young lady in question agreed that it was likely to lead to marriage.  What emotional baggage for accepting a first date!  Twice he approached young ladies in whom he was interested and was gently rebuffed.  The third one was the charm.  We liked her as soon as he met her and they were married 2 months ago.  It's a joy to see them together.  He turns 29 this year.

So, just love your son and make sure he's out doing things he enjoys and don't give up hope!

How do you knowif a date will lead to marriage unless you actually go on a date?  

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

I guess I feel a bit sad for him.

[midjd]

My brother is 23 and has never had a serious girlfriend. He is the class clown type who has a lot of female friends, but it seems like they're more likely to cry on his shoulder when they're dumped than see him as a romantic prospect.

I don't think it's unusual, although I know he's lonely and I hope he finds a nice girl soon. I always tell him that once he gets to his mid-twenties the girls his age will want to settle down with a kind guy who has a good job. Right now most of the girls in his peer group seem to be more interested in picking up hot douchebags in bars.

[chiver78]

my family hasn't been much for sharing. my sis and I have shared more as adults than any of my family has done in my lifetime's awareness. personally, I've sort of ascribed to Scarlett Johansson's idea of "serial monogamy" long before she made it chic. I've also not ever felt the need to fill my family in on those particulars of my life until I was sure it needed sharing. that hasn't really changed since I left college. in fact, during college, my sis and I split a Cape house for a vacation week. in our drunken convos, I shared something that horrified her now-DH, that he hasn't yet and I'm pretty sure will never actually acknowledge in my presence. 

so.....imagine my surprise when my sis tells me sometime while I was 25 that she had a convo w/our mom where mom said that "she hoped that i'd hooked up with someone by now" !!! what?!?


honestly, I spent HS as everyone else's confidant and cupid. I can't offer an opinion with such a vague OP, but the same could have been said for me. I hope you can reach out to your DS and get more of a feel for where he is. there are many people here that are happy to offer opinions that might point you in the right direction.

how is your DD? how are you doing?

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

DD never introduced her boyfriends (if she had any) to me until this one and she was 18. Maybe it is just the way my kids were raised. I hear about 14 year olds in relationships and it makes me think that's all. Maybe they are just picky.

[justme]

Is he more of a private person? My parents only know of bfs and considering I'm not one to rush into a relationship (usually date for a few months) most dates fizzle before then. I still remember an exbf where it took forever to become official, but when I mentioned him to my parents it was just "my friend". My mom was so pissed when I told her about the bf and said I had known him for more than 6 mths and said nothing to her! I told her I did, he just wasn't a bf so I said friend instead of "this guy I'm dating but is kind of being an idiot about relationship status".

Though, my privacy is more that my parents only ever dated each other so my mom's dating advice is pretty much "I have no idea" or full of cliches that make me want to punch her in the face.

BTW didn't have my first bf til 20 but dated a ton in the two years of college before then!

[Tiny]

I never brought home any of my dates - or even the couple of guys I thought of as 'boyfriends'- mostly because it was just too much hassle to have to deal with my disapproving mother (and then dealing with everyone else in the family).   I wasn't very serious about most of the guys so I didn't feel the need to bring them round to the house.  Unfortunately, the couple I felt more serious about were the wrong color  -- and I'll admit up front - back then I just didn't have the mental/emotional fortitude to do battle with my family.   Yet another problem with being the youngest with older parents - sometimes there's a MUCH bigger divide in thoughts about how life is suppose to work.  

I'm NOT implying that your son doesn't feel you'd be 'welcoming' to who ever he brought home to met you... just tossing out another possible reason why a  21 yo might appear not to date - or doesn't bring their dates to family functions.



 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

My DSS#2 will turn 23 next month, and he still can't talk to girls. I really don't think he's gay, but I don't have a problem with it if he is. He's a combination of socially inept/shy/low self-esteem   

[Sum Dum Gai]

In a way you're lucky.  At the same age I was giving my mom her second grandchild.  Well, her fourth total because my older sister already had two, but her second from me.

[raeoflyte]

My mother had one child who at 40+ has still never gone on a date, and one who announced they were in love and moving out at 17. Neither one is what she had wanted for her kids, but she's done a great job of being available and supportive. She let's her opinions known, but doesn't harp on them, and loves us regardless of our bad decisions.

Naggie, why don't you start a weekly dinner invite, or Sunday brunch that the kids are invited to along with a friend or SO. I think that can help everyone stay in touch, but help transition the relationship to adult children.

[Deleted]

Jun 7, 2013 20:31:41 GMT -5 swamp said:

How do you knowif a date will lead to marriage unless you actually go on a date?  

Well, yeah, it's all a little strange to me, but it reminds me of some of my friends in India, who are somewhere in between letting their parents pick someone with no input from them, and playing the field till they find the right person. Typically the parents find a suitable person, the couple meets and has a few conversations to decided if they want to go forward, and if they do, they spend all their spare time taking on the phone to each other and are married within 6 months. I suppose if you're focused on that end, you look for similar values and a bit of that intangible chemistry, and it eliminates the people you'd date just for a fun time. That model isn't 100% successful, either, but I've seen some very happy marriages as a result.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

how is your DD? how are you doing?

Hi Chiver, thanks for asking. She is feeling a lot better now at 16 weeks, the phone calls are not as dramatic and they seem to be talking stuff out a lot more (communication). She started school last week, she is bored as she is not doing too much at the moment waiting on a job she interviewed for to be approved.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

He's a combination of socially inept/shy/low self-esteem  

This is probably my son. I wouldn't say he was totally non comittal about things as we do talk. Probably just quiet and a little private. He doesn't do the bar scene.

[giramomma]

I am my DH's only girlfriend. We started dating when we turned 21. Before we were officially dating, we did the friends with benefits thing.

My H also was quiet and had some other issues that prevented him from dating a ton.

Dh also did not tell his parents we were dating until we had been dating for nearly a year. He really didn't keep them updated on our relationship..They kinda figured out it was serious though, as we didn't break up.

We also took things slow. We dated for 3.5 years and were engaged for another 1.5 years. Even then, I don't think my DH was quite ready for marriage. I forced the issue a bit, because I DID want to get married, and I wanted to move on if DH felt it wasn't for him.

[Phoenix84]

Jun 7, 2013 19:00:52 GMT -5 Queen of Interesting Nuts said:

...that has never seem to had a girlfriend.  I am sure he has but never any I have met. I think he is lonely now. Is this unusual.

Well, some people are "late bloomers."  I didn't go on my first date until I was 22, and I wasn't even that interested in dating or getting a girlfriend until my senior year of college.  Even at 28 I can't really say I had a "serious" girlfriend, but it's not been for lack of trying.  Maybe he's been trying but he gets shut down every time. 

[beergut]

 I have told my parents that they won't meet the next GF until there is a ring on her finger and we are engaged.

 Not that I am embarrassed by my parents or anything, but I am one of those people who usually realizes a few months into the relationship what the irreconcilable differences are that won't let me continue in the relationship. I don't need my parents pointing out the flaws in someone when I have a bad habit of finding them myself. 

 I have never been shy, though.

 Underwater Chloe,

 Have you tried suggesting going to the gym, working out, going and taking a dance class, something?

 In Texas, it is almost a law that you have to at least be able to two-step when you go out. Girls like to dance. If you go to a place where they are playing music and ask one to dance, you're in. At the very least, you'll have someone to talk to. 

Most of the C&W clubs around here offer lessons if you don't know how to dance. It'll give him something to do, and it is an easy to way to meet people. If he learns to dance, I ca guarantee you his self-esteem will soar.

[Deleted]

naggie - please correct me if I remember wrong, but didn't you have very significant surgery a couple years ago & then you had a period where you were kind of a train wreck due to the pain & pain meds?  Could it be that the kids were not bringing people home then because you were so ill? 

I'm sorry if your son is lonely.  Are you worried that he is depressed?  If not, I would just encourage him to visit you more with specific invitations to activities (coffee, dinner, board game night).  Some kids don't feel comfortable just popping in after they move out.  My older one is like that - if I don't make a specific invite she won't just show up . . . seems so weird to me as she lived in this home as long as I did!!!

If you think he's having depression you need to have a candid discussion with him & let him know that if he needs counseling etc, you are there to help him, financially and emotionally.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

Actually the reason for a long time that the kids didn't have a lot of people over, though DD did, was that I had an agressive dog that we had to make sure was locked up when people came over. Phew that was so stressful. Oh I don't know if he is lonely, he hasn't specifically said that to me.

I am worried that he is depressed.

Oh and rock you are not wrong in your recollection, I can't remember the surgery years, 2010 I think.

AHHH I miss you my Rexxie boy, sorry we tried everything, we love you.

[steff]

Ok, I don't want this to sound rude, but it probably will.  Sorry in advance.

Naggie, it seems to me from reading lately that you tend to want to micro manage/control what your almost adult kids are doing, eating, going, etc.  There just comes a point when you have to let go.  I know it's not easy, I have a 19 year old & he's my only kiddo.  I worry myself silly when he's out all night with friends & I don't know where he is or when he'll be home.  But I don't put that back onto him.  I keep it to myself until he's home & then I smile & ask if he had a good time. 

When he brought home the first real gf a few months ago, I kept my mouth shut with my first impressions & unless he has brought up an issue, I've kept any negative comments to myself.  When he asks for advice, I give it, otherwise, I leave it alone.  It's HIS life even if I've been the one basically controlling it for the past 18 years.  When he spent the night at his gf's house for the first time while her parents were gone, I had a good mom cry by myself because my baby isn't my baby anymore.  But I never once let him know that I had that moment.  When he blew off something we had planned to go somewhere way more fun with his gf, I bit my tongue until it bled, but never let him know that I was not thrilled about being blown off.  To his credit, he knew I wouldn't be exactly overjoyed by it & made up for it a couple of days later.  and that was WITHOUT me having said "Hey WTF!, we had plans first" and creating some kind of drama over him putting his gf over me for a day. 

I'll also point out that my youngest brother never once brought a gf home.  He was 31 before we met the person he was dating & that was a year after he finally came out.  That bf was never comfortable with our family because he was still in the closet & was terrified of his own family finding out he was gay.  He never got comfortable enough to realize that we didn't care that they were gay.  He was invited to every family gathering, but rarely showed up.  That was on him, not us and not my brother.  But it was also why we never saw my brother with a "date".  I have met his new bf, but my mom hasn't.  Only because my brother hasn't decided if this is a serious relationship & doesn't run every date by our mom.  The only reason I met him is because I stopped by my brother's house one day & he was there. 

Like I said, I don't want to sound rude, but maybe you need to take some steps back, find a new hobby & let them make their own way until they ask you for advice/help.  There comes a point when we have to let them go & let them sink or swim on their own.  Even if that means they sink to the bottom a few times before they figure out how to tread water. 

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

Oh dear this again, I am not will not try to micro manage anyone's life. I may post thoughts and feelings here, again I like reading about other peoples lives. I have learnt a lot. My life is fine, don't worry about me. Not offended because I knew it was going to happen. C'est la vie I suppose. I take  my life slow and sweet, I love it.

Please don't think I am sitting in a dark closet gnawing my fingers to the bones about my kids, cos I ain't.

[steff]

Sorry I even said anything then.  I won't make that mistake again. 

[Deleted]

...that has never seem to had a girlfriend. I am sure he has but never any I have met. I think he is lonely now. Is this unusual.

My mother only knew that I had a GF IF she happened to call me. Other than that she didn't know. I had a lot of GF's that she didn't know about. Most were NOT the type that you brink home to meet mom.

[Queen of Interesting Nuts]

HAHHa probably not oldtex, he probably just has not had a long term relationship.

[steph08]

I didn't date anyone before DH, and I was almost 20 when I met him.

DH has only ever mentioned his HS girlfriend to me (I don't think he had any other relationships), who he broke up with at 18 or 19, and he didn't start dating me until he was 26. I'm sure his parents were wondering what was going on with him during that period.