Spendthrift friend cancels plans last min

[justme]

I need to rant, and give the subject this board is the perfect place to do it!

A few weeks ago my bff and I planned for her to come visit this weekend. She just canceled because she doesn't have the money and her job situation is a little iffy. Understandable....except she just posted a picture last night of her brand new, fancy-shmancy Nike running shoes that are over $100. And she's been paying for several yoga classes per week since we made plans (yay for exercise, but I figured she had the cash for both).

The weekend was going to be low key and she lives less than 2 hours away so the weekend easily would have cost her under $100. Especially considering I bought food for some meals and some of my guy friends love her & me and often buy our drinks when we've stopped because of cash and there's a really nice pool area at my place and a lake/park near by.

I haven't seen her in three frigging months, the few times I've tried to visit her she had other stuff to do, and now I apparently rank lower than new shoes.


So - anyone else have spendthrift friends that cancelled plans with you because they spent too much money on other stuff? I hope I'm not in this boat alone!

[Bob Ross]

I'd interpret this as shoes and yoga took priority over you, and respond accordingly.

Preferably with late-night drunken texting insults.

[thyme4change]

My birthday is at the beginning of January.  Every friggin year I would want to go out and everyone would say that their New Year's resolution was to drink less, and spend less - so no dinner out, no happy hour, no bar visit.  The next weekend everyone was back to normal, and they certainly expected me to go out for their birthday - it sucked and I took it very personally.  I told them that I would evaluate my friendships by who was willing to make their resolutions start the day after my birthday.  I got a few takers.  

[Bob Ross]

Jun 7, 2013 13:14:09 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

My birthday is at the beginning of January.  Every friggin year I would want to go out and everyone would say that their New Year's resolution was to drink less, and spend less - so no dinner out, no happy hour, no bar visit.  The next weekend everyone was back to normal, and they certainly expected me to go out for their birthday - it sucked and I took it very personally.  I told them that I would evaluate my friendships by who was willing to make their resolutions start the day after my birthday.  I got a few takers.  

I know how you feel.  Every so often, my b-day falls of Thanksgiving, and people would rather "spend time with family" rather than engage in a drunken orgy of debauchery ending with a late night high speed escape from the po' po'.

Talk about the epitome of lame.

[Tiny]

How is this due to the friend being a spendtrift or even about money? If she WAS a spendthrift she wouldn't be worried about spending more money to visit you... My guess is that even though she made plans with you for the weekend - something better came along that she wants to do more than visit you...



You are pissed and rightly so. I think you are also entitled to making her feel guilty/bad about this - by telling her how dissappointed you are that she's not coming, telling her about what you have done (money spent, plans made), and how unhappy and ALONE you will be this weekend without her. Lay that guilt on thick!

I suspect this friendship isn't what you think it is... so you won't be burning any bridges.

[Peace Of Mind]

She's just not that in to you. 

Has she met a new guy?  It sounds like she is trying to get back in shape and maybe has a new man if she canceled with you.  I've had friends who would initiate plans and pressure me into joining them and then back out at the last minute especially when they met a new guy.  Notice the part where I said I "had" friends like that.  I can't stand people who do that a lot and act flakey so I stop doing stuff with them after they repeat that offense.   

I hope it's just this one time and you get to see her again soon. 

[Tiny]

So - anyone else have spendthrift friends that cancelled plans with you because they spent too much money on other stuff? I hope I'm not in this boat alone!

To answer your question - my friends cry 'too poor' as we are making plans or as an excuse up front to not do something they aren't interested in doing. It has nothing to do with how much money they have.

For example:

Me: Let's catch that new blockbuster movie and have dinner on saturday!
Friend A: Yeah! Where are we eating?
Me: how about Chili's it's right by the theater
Friend A: I'll meet you for the movie - I'm too poor to eat at Chili's
(translates to: I don't want to eat at chili's.)
Friend B: I'm poor. I'll take a pass on the movie and dinner.
(translates to: I don't want to see that movie and I don't want to eat at Chili's)

Odds are Friend A has money for dinner - just not one at Chili's - and she may go join other friends at a different restaurant or bar after the movie.
Friend B will most likely go out and buy new clothes or makeup or something while the rest of us are at the movie/dinner.

I really wish people would just feel comfortable enough to say "I don't want to see that movie - thanks for the invite!" or just be brave enough to suggest a different restaurant. I guess it's more polite to lie and claim being poor than to actually voice one's opinion.

[sheilaincali]

A few weeks ago a friend of my husband's wanted my DH to buy some of his gaming models from him.  DH was like "yeah I guess I might be interested in some of them" and the guy kept pushing the issue and tracks us down with the models.  Says "Ok can you buy these now I desperately need grocery money".  They were a good deal for DH and we had discussed it but we were pretty annoying with being put on the spot and having to make a trip to the bank for cash. 
The next day he posts a pic of facebook of he and his wife out to dinner from the night before.  Yup- he gets cash from DH Saturday morning because he is "desperate for grocery money" and then takes his wife out to dinner that night on a "date night".  Jackass.

[justme]

Well she's not entirely a spendthrift - though she has been in the past. She has several thousand on her CCs from past expenses and has been trying to get rid of the debt and not spend so much lately. Which she was doing good at. She's gone through the whole don't have money to spend before (which, given her debt and how much she makes I know is true to an extend - I'd be a hermit if it was me!) and I've been ok with her not making plans, but this is the first time she cancelled right after posting a new purchase!

POM - She had a new guy - part of the reason why I haven't seen her in a while. Hard to make plans when she makes em with the bf and I wasn't jumping at being the third wheel on their plans. Supposedly he got her into working out more, but then she broke up with him after about a month but I guess she's kept up the working out enough to need new shoes.

Tiny - I don't think she found something better. She actually planned the visit and was super excited about it. My guess is she bought the shoes and then looked at her bank account today, combine that with a bad day at work making her fear getting fired, and decided she didn't have the money. I've had people do the "cry poor" thing when they really just don't want to do whatever it is I asked, that always annoyed the hell out of me!

She's said she can't do things before when I've asked and I've seen her spend money on other stuff. That always produced a shrug and oh well. I've told her when she's invited me to concerts that I don't think the band is worth the cost of the ticket. It's just the cancelling so close that sucks. And I don't have any close girl friends in my city so I was really looking forward to girl time. It's frigging hard to make new girl friends! 

I probably wouldn't be quite as mad if my free Disney passes didn't expire this weekend (we went a lot when I worked there so figured out how to do the food for not much money). So now I have to try and find someone to go last minute.

[cktc]

This kind of thing really bugs me, but I’ve found often there is more going on and it is best to not take it personally. If you really want to see her, I’d call her up, let her know how much you were looking forward to spending time together, and offer to pay for gas. If it isn’t really about money, it will encourage her to be more honest and you won’t spend the next few months wondering if it’s all about shoes, or a guy, or new friends, or she is just having a terrible week and wants to be alone.

[Ava]

Don't take it too hard. People are complicated and sometimes is difficult to read others.
Try to keep an open mind, offer to pick her up if you can. Maybe she can take public transportation and save on gas?
Tell her you really miss her.
I know how bad it feels to be let down. 
I have a friend who promised she'll be there for my graduation when I finished the Community College. My two other friends had to work and my mom was coming to visit but wasn't here yet.
She was the only person who could attend, she knew that,  and she promised she would be there for me. The day of my graduation, I was going to leave work and pick her up as arranged, when she called last minute and said her daughter's in-laws were coming for a surprise visit and she couldn't make it. Those people never showed up unexpectedly because they live out of state about a three hour drive. She had asked me several times at what time did the graduation end because she had to be at work early the following morning. The moment she called I knew she was just giving me a false excuse at the very last minute.
I forgave her, but it took me a long time.
    

[seriousthistime]

I understand you're disappointed. I would be too.

I'd just like to point out, if she really is a runner, $100 shoes are not a luxury; that's about what good shoes cost.  My last pair was $130 retail, and I hit a sale and got a discount to bring the price down about $20.  (And I am far, far, far from an elite runner.)  Most people can't just go to Kohl's and pick something off the shelf.  And timing often matters too.  If you're training for a race, sometimes you've got to break new shoes in far enough it advance of the race, so you can't put it off a month.

As someone who strives to pay off some debt and save more, my behavior ranges between super-frugalistic and sometimes spending too much.  It all depends on what happens during the day, where I feel I am with savings vs. debt, the latest article I read, conversations at work, etc. I'm sure it's hard for my friends to figure if my weekend is going to be a weekend of spending or saving.  But I don't make plans and then cancel them. 

[justme]

Oh, I know good shoes for runners cost a lot. But to be fair if she classifies herself as a runner it's been less than a month. She does yoga way more often and given her exercise bursts in the past in another month or two she'll probably stop. Way different then my friend who runs at least 2 miles every day or my cousin who has done several 50mile races and too many to count marathons (often see her post on FB about a 6 mile run when she woke up ).

It's definitely more of you picked NOW that you needed new shoes knowing you planned to come visit, and then after you bought them decided you didn't have enough money to come visit. You really couldn't have waited until your next paycheck to buy the shoes? You asked to come and visit this weekend 3 weeks ago and I had planned and got excited for it.

Picking her up and taking her back would be a full tank of gas vs just giving her money. But by the time she told me she had already decided and therefore didn't go home to pack so even if I offered her money or to pick her up it was pretty much dead in the water because she takes forever to pack all her stuff.

Of course she was able to find an ex to do something with last minute on Fri night while I got to sit home alone since my plans were canceled.  Really hoping my friends aren't all working or at school tonight!

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"...let her know how much you were looking forward to spending time together, and offer to pay for gas.":::...

Some people handle this better than others.  We have a friend who would be extremely insulted by this, because "we are rich and don't understand what its like for ordinary people."

Justme, I have a friend who was always a 1-way visit -- me to him.  In the span of a few years, I visited him many times and he visited me once.  He has family money and didn't have the constraints of a job.  I was supporting myself.

But the second an event he wanted to go to was in this area, he had the trip planned in a matter of days.  He did "work me in", but people really show you what matters to them through their actions.

[Shooby]

  I don't bother with people who have the constant "I can't afford it" mantra.  If you can't afford it fine, then no sense me asking again the next time.  If you simply just choose not to go because you want to spend the money elsewhere, fine too.  I don't care.  But, don't set me up for a last minute cancellation.   And, for people that hem and haw , forget it. 
   So, if i make a plan and someone wants to come, great.  If i am getting tickets to an event, i want the money UP FRONT.  I am not going to be left hanging for tickets.  And, for the last concert i booked, i invited a couple of friends to go with me.  I told them up front i was getting the best available seats.  I found out the price and they were expensive.  I COULD have probably sat in the cheap section but that wasnt' my plan and if i am going to spend the money  i am getting good seats.  So, i said, here are the seats and here are the price, if you want to go fine , if not i am booking and i need to be paid for the tickets.   That seems to work a lot better for me and you don't wind up getting stiffed.

[justme]

Yeah, for events like that if we buy tickets ahead of time I get the money upfront - unless it's such a small amount that hey if I don't get the $10 back whatever. Luckily most of the concert I like to go are general admission so everyone can buy their own ticket, no worrying about getting seats together.

[Shooby]

justme - It really doesn't matter what she does or doesn't spend on.  If she wanted to come, she would have come.  If people really want to do something, they will.  If not, they will find some excuse.  I am not saying there aren't legitimate reasons to cancel.  Things happen and we all do have to change or cancel plans.  So, if that is the case, then no biggie.  If she has a pattern of canceling out on you, then i wouldn't have any great expectations in the future.

[justme]

Luckily it's not a pattern. I probably wouldn't be as mad if it was, I'd expect it! It's really just the hypocrisy of not enough money to visit when you just spent more than the visit would have cost on shoes. Otherwise I'd understand, I know I make ~$15k more than she does in similar COLAs and I don't have debt so I know and understand that I have more extra money than her. Often I'll pick up here or there when I'm out with her knowing that, but even though I make more than her I still don't make a ton so I can't completely comp her for a weekend without cutting other areas. Sometimes it would almost be worth the cost, but know I'd resent it because I knowingly choose some less expensive items then her to have more experiences (hey! one thread collides with another).

[Shooby]

    My point is that don't let someone  else use their excuses as some point where you begin subsidizing their activities.  And, there are some people who will more than happy to go if you foot the bill but wouldn't think of spending their own money.  No thanks to that anymore.

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 8, 2013 17:13:52 GMT -5 Shooby said:

    My point is that don't let someone  else use their excuses as some point where you begin subsidizing their activities.  And, there are some people who will more than happy to go if you foot the bill but wouldn't think of spending their own money.  No thanks to that anymore.

This is YM...we don't pay for anyone!

[justme]

But we're totally ok with other people paying for us!

[Deleted]

Jun 8, 2013 17:41:53 GMT -5 justme said:

But we're totally ok with other people paying for us!

Hell yeah ... DUH!!!

[toomuchreality]

Jun 8, 2013 18:02:22 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Jun 8, 2013 17:41:53 GMT -5 justme said:

But we're totally ok with other people paying for us!

Hell yeah ... DUH!!!

[NoNamePerson]

Jun 8, 2013 15:59:28 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"...let her know how much you were looking forward to spending time together, and offer to pay for gas.":::...

Some people handle this better than others.  We have a friend who would be extremely insulted by this, because "we are rich and don't understand what its like for ordinary people."

Justme, I have a friend who was always a 1-way visit -- me to him.  In the span of a few years, I visited him many times and he visited me once.  He has family money and didn't have the constraints of a job.  I was supporting myself.

But the second an event he wanted to go to was in this area, he had the trip planned in a matter of days.  He did "work me in", but people really show you what matters to them through their actions.

One sided friendships have a way of running their course. Sometimes you just realize that you are more of the friend, if that makes sense. After a while you quit talking/visiting/or have plans when they finally decided they can work you into their plans. Some friendships just don't stand the test of time and that is OK.

[Deleted]

I have a real problem with friends who think all of our town's roads are one-way.  As in I live too far away for them to come to my house but I'm supposed to come running to theirs whenever they ask.  Nope, ain't happening.  I got a call last night from a friend who currently lives about 20 miles away and has NEVER been to my house although I've been to hers 4-5 times.  She was calling to tell me all about her new house, the one that's about 40 miles away on acreage and about her plans for a really big housewarming party and the band she's hired and where's she is registered for housewarming gifts.......  And that was after she told me about remodeling the place with new hardwood floors, granite counters, etc. 

I'm sorry but folks on their third marriages with adult children don't get to register for jacks--t!  She's done BK twice already so I'm not biting on this at all. 

I'm going to save the $$ I would spend on a housewarming gift to replace my phone that just unexpectedly died during our conversation .

[beergut]

Jun 7, 2013 13:10:43 GMT -5 Bob Ross said:

I'd interpret this as shoes and yoga took priority over you, and respond accordingly.

Preferably with late-night drunken texting insults.

Bob again showing why he is one of my favorite posters on here.