taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 7, 2013 21:01:22 GMT -5
Crone for you and your family.
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TrixAre4Kids
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'Not all those who wander are lost' - J. R. R. Tolkien
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Post by TrixAre4Kids on Jun 7, 2013 21:39:23 GMT -5
I'm very sorry to hear about your mom Crone.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jun 7, 2013 21:53:23 GMT -5
Awww, Crone. I am so sorry for your mother, you, and the rest of your family. I wish that, if she is terminally ill, her medical folks will be honest but kinder to her going forward. I also can't recommend hospice enough -- they can get involved when the patient has 6 months or less left -- not just toward the end. The sooner they get involved the better -- they can help the patient make final decisions, wrap up loose ends, say his/her good-byes, etc.
I'll keep you all in my thoughts (and prayers -- hey, they can't hurt, LOL).
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 7, 2013 21:57:52 GMT -5
I'll add onto the suggestion for hospice. I know the hospice helped my aunt and cousins so much with my uncle. I believe he was able to stay at his home until the end thanks to the amazing care by the hospice. So sorry for you. Hoping you and your family find your way through this the best you can.
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cronewitch
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I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 7, 2013 23:02:56 GMT -5
I talked to my SIL tonight, I suggested hospice but she said it is too soon. Tomorrow morning we are having a family meeting. My little brother, his wife and my other brother's daughter and I. My other brother is getting in tomorrow night so is left out. His daughter is a CNA who has been scheduling home care and getting elderly into institutions for over 29 years. My SIL thinks she is an expert we should use to help us decide on a place for Mom.
I was right SIL refuses to do the physical care for mom. SIL married my brother in 1968 when she was 17 so she is like family. She asked if I thought she was overstepping her bounds being involved in a family meeting but I said she was family and with mom living with them she was involved so not to think about being out of line.
Mom is said to want to be home and have someone round the clock with her so she won't wake up alone. That isn't going to happen long term. This week we have a dozen or more people coming to see her at 10 from out of town that need a place to stay. They bought a new bed today so mom's second room will become a guest room. I think mom should come home for a week or so to visit all the company then get placed where they have paid professional to help her. We could get her to bring her home when she was feeling up to it but be able to leave her when we have other things to do. My brother and SIL shouldn't have to give up ever being away from home, they aren't homebodies so seem to need to keep going places every day. I offered before to take care of mom if she got to where she can't be left home alone but I can't do 24/7 either. My little brother will be 64 Monday and he and his wife already have health issues too and a business, children and grandchildren so need time for themselves too.
I am using this thread like a diary more than needing advice. I just want what is best for everyone not just mom. I want to show respect to my brothers and other family so we get past this with out family drama or hurt feelings. My ISO is going to be upset because he loves my mom and has always said she is never going to a nursing home he will take care of her himself first. He isn't invited to the family meeting even though he has been like family since 1986 and really would do anything for her. He isn't the caregiver type and works so there isn't any way he will take care of her himself. We don't have the right place to keep her or time so if she needs care she will get professional care.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2013 23:33:00 GMT -5
Crone, A lot depends on what kind of condition your mom is in. My mom was relatively young (70) but the only thing she really needed help with was being driven to doctor's offices and monitoring her meds. She was pretty with it (including scrubbing down the kitchen floor the day before she died! ). But she needed ever increasing morphine doses. No diaper changes or other intimate stuff. Your mom might be able to remain in place and depending on finances have 24 hour care if she needs it. Your niece sounds like a good resource but your mom's health care team needs to give some input too. FWIW the oncologist my mother had was pretty insensitive too. Not only did he not bother to read her chart, when she wouldn't participate in his study he basically tossed her folder and said "Good luck". Her GP, on the other hand was wonderful as well as another female specialist. This disease can move breathtakenly fast. For my mother it was 41 days from diagnosis to death. She struggled with it at first, got involved with a quack for a short while, and things weren't wondeful between us because I was "too negative." But I had done enough research and knew that how far advanced the disease was, she wasn't going to make it. When she was told by the pulmonary specialist that she was horrified that she wasn't in Hospice, my mother was convinced. We were able to plan her 70th birthday party where she was able to say goodbye to most of her friends. She then died 5 days later. I believe she decided to die rather than to cling onto a few more months filled with Dr's appts and chemo. I'm able to say that my lasting memory for those last few days was the joy on her face during her birthday party. I will always be so grateful that we had that opportunity. Hugs, Crone. It's a difficult process.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Sarcasm is my Superpower
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jun 8, 2013 0:59:25 GMT -5
I am very sorry. (I lost my mom to cancer in 2004)
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jun 8, 2013 8:00:56 GMT -5
Hugs.
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sesfw
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Today is the first day of the rest of my life
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Post by sesfw on Jun 8, 2013 8:35:37 GMT -5
(((((((((( Crone ))))))))))) mega hugs my friend. Many roses for all of you. I'm so sorry about your mom. It's sad that her Dr can't be gentle with her. She is very 'scared, aprehensive, nervous' and needs guidance and wisdom. Very glad her primary Dr is kind. I keep a journal of my health journey and it keeps my anger, depression and frustration at a managable level.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2013 8:53:57 GMT -5
I am sad to hear it Crone. My heart goes out to you.
I think your family is sensible. 24/7 home care is really difficult and I believe the person is more comfortable with professional care. They have the right help/equipment to move people around properly without hurting them. I understand not wanting to pass away in the hospital/hospice and wanting the comfort of your own home. I hope I can get over it when it is my time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2013 20:30:14 GMT -5
I'm so sorry about your mom. I have two friends with pancreatic cancer and it's not a good one at all. I second all the posters who spoke of hospice care. They do an amazing service for the patient and the family. I wish all of you wisdom and discernment to find the past path forward in painful times.
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cronewitch
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I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 8, 2013 21:34:12 GMT -5
Mom was told today that if she eats good she has one to two months. She wants hospice care at home. The insurance will pay for it so someone will come everyday to give her a shot or whatever other help we need.
At my brother's house mom has 4 rooms but no chores. They do the cooking and laundry and have a cleaning lady so mom has easy living so only needs a little help with bathing and dressing and things so she can stay home for a while. Then when she needs too much care maybe move to a hospice house. A social worker is working with my niece and mom so she can get what she wants.
Mom had 14 visitors today. Tomorrow she will get out of the hospital and have different people visiting as well as some from today. Tuesday another family of 8 is coming to see her and her sister is coming and my brother and his wife are coming tonight.
Mom is loving the attention today she got to see her ex daughter in law. We all think she is wonderful, she was my other SIL BFF since they were children. They married my brothers in 1968 and she is the mother of his oldest two children. We see her usually at weddings or the birth of her grand children or showers but my other SIL and brother go visit her. Too bad she didn't stay married to my brother, we all like her but like current wife too, not the two between. Mom was thrilled she wanted to come see her. She lives a few hours away so it wasn't convenient. She did happen to come when her daughters and most of her grand children were there.
We think maybe the next two weeks mom will have constant company then most will go home and she might get depressed but for now it is like a party with lots of hugs.
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sapphire12
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Post by sapphire12 on Jun 8, 2013 21:55:20 GMT -5
Crone, hugs to you and yours during this difficult time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2013 22:54:43 GMT -5
Crone, hugs to you and yours during this difficult time. X 2!!! You are in my prayers!
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 8, 2013 23:03:47 GMT -5
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 8, 2013 23:22:59 GMT -5
My thoughts are with you & yours at this difficult time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2013 13:55:16 GMT -5
Mom was told today that if she eats good she has one to two months. She wants hospice care at home. The insurance will pay for it so someone will come everyday to give her a shot or whatever other help we need. At my brother's house mom has 4 rooms but no chores. They do the cooking and laundry and have a cleaning lady so mom has easy living so only needs a little help with bathing and dressing and things so she can stay home for a while. Then when she needs too much care maybe move to a hospice house. A social worker is working with my niece and mom so she can get what she wants. Mom had 14 visitors today. Tomorrow she will get out of the hospital and have different people visiting as well as some from today. Tuesday another family of 8 is coming to see her and her sister is coming and my brother and his wife are coming tonight. Mom is loving the attention today she got to see her ex daughter in law. We all think she is wonderful, she was my other SIL BFF since they were children. They married my brothers in 1968 and she is the mother of his oldest two children. We see her usually at weddings or the birth of her grand children or showers but my other SIL and brother go visit her. Too bad she didn't stay married to my brother, we all like her but like current wife too, not the two between. Mom was thrilled she wanted to come see her. She lives a few hours away so it wasn't convenient. She did happen to come when her daughters and most of her grand children were there. We think maybe the next two weeks mom will have constant company then most will go home and she might get depressed but for now it is like a party with lots of hugs. My mother was told that sugar feeds the tumors. But with a prognosis of a month or two, I say let her eat whatever she wants! Prepare yourself that she may go very quickly once she's seen everyone. I was surprised that my mom even lasted 5 days.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 9, 2013 14:07:08 GMT -5
Crone It sounds like your mom is surrounded with love and support. Hugs
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cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 9, 2013 15:02:42 GMT -5
Mom says she is ready to go, nothing to live for. She knows she will never travel or even go shopping again. She wants a hair cut and her nails done but I think it is so she looks her best for her funeral, she is like that.
I think the next two weeks will be good with all the company but then she might decide to give up. They put her back on a diabetic diet today and still only 400ml fluids a day so when I talked to her she was waiting for coffee and thinking they are only bringing half a cup. She still can't have bowel movements so we don't think they will send her home today. One of my brothers is with her and his wife, my ISO went this morning again and will go again later and I am heading up there now. I should call first to see if she was released but don't think so.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Jun 9, 2013 19:36:07 GMT -5
I hope things go better for her in the next few days.
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cronewitch
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I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 13, 2013 2:05:11 GMT -5
Mom is getting worse daily. She is in a hospital bed on oxygen now and when we get her up it takes two or three people. She doesn't even try to help herself so is dead weight. She has a pain patch and now got some serious pain medicine and sleeping pills. She saw her grand son today she hasn't seen in 15 years and his wife and kids. She has seen everyone except my older brothers newest son who will come on Sunday. She has only ever seen him once since he is new to the family. He is a nice 15 year old.
Some seems very ready to go eating a little better than last week but not as good as a couple of days ago. For example for dinner she had about one egg and half a single serve apple sauce.
I don't know if she will live even one more week when they said one to two months if she ate right. They had said two weeks if she didn't eat.
She is giving away her stuff. She tried to give my ISO a picture off the wall of the room she is in. He bought her the picture over 20 years ago and we do like it but he can't take it when she is alive. I took the curio cabinet because it was in the way of the hospital bed.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Jun 13, 2013 7:24:57 GMT -5
Sounds like your Mom has a large and loving family. She's having the privilege of getting to see all of them. That has to make her feel really good. I bet she's a great lady. Your Mom and you and the family are in my thoughts.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jun 13, 2013 8:48:42 GMT -5
Crone - thinking of you.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 13, 2013 8:54:20 GMT -5
Sounds like your Mom has a large and loving family. She's having the privilege of getting to see all of them. That has to make her feel really good. I bet she's a great lady. Your Mom and you and the family are in my thoughts.
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cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 13, 2013 9:27:31 GMT -5
Sounds like your Mom has a large and loving family. She's having the privilege of getting to see all of them. That has to make her feel really good. I bet she's a great lady.
Mom is a great lady it is amazing how much people are willing to do to see her. Her sister's son is in very bad shape with hemophilia and Hep-C. Monday he is going to Portland to the doctor then driving to Seattle, staying in a motel to come see mom and take his mom home. We would have taken her home but he wants to see my mom. His sister's girl is pregnant due July 4 and wanted to drive 240 miles each way to see mom but she is having problems so won't. There are more of mom's nieces and nephews who aren't coming but still a lot are here.
Friday the family picnic will have maybe 14-18 children and about the same number of adults. My brother hired a lawn service last night to clean the yard, mow and weedeat and they did it the same night, it will be a zoo. The children range from 3.5 to 21. The 21 year old is in the National Guard, working, living with a girl friend so almost adult but the oldest great grand child so still a kid.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 13, 2013 10:10:44 GMT -5
crone, I am so sorry to hear this. Hospice is definitely the place to turn when things get too bad. My thoughts are with you and keep us posted.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2013 19:49:03 GMT -5
cronewitch , I hate it when they say stuff like this. It makes it sound like it's your mom's fault. I would expect your mom to make it through the family picnic and then go after that. It's wonderful that everyone has taken the time to see her and for her to have a chance to say "good bye'. It's time to call Hospice. They don't take over, they help.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Jun 14, 2013 1:04:45 GMT -5
Medical Social Worker by profession and dealing with my elderly father who requires total care - Hospice is for a life expectancy of 6 months or less and is covered by Medicare and most insurance companies.
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cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 14, 2013 1:28:50 GMT -5
Mom has Hospice and they are doing great for her. The hospital social worker arraigned it for her. Today she got a wheel chair since yesterday someone said she could use one. The also overnighted a tube of mouth moisturizer in a large box today. Tomorrow the nurse comes and a spiritual adviser. The spiritual adviser has been asked not to say what she is but to say she is a counselor because mom wouldn't talk to a spiritual adviser. Mom has said she believes in god but I have never seen her in a church. We don't know is if she needs to think about it or not maybe they can ask questions to get her thinking.
My brothers have been to the cemetery where our dad is and told mom their is a space next to him that looks available. They think she wants a traditional service not cremation. She has always been afraid of fire but told me and someone else cremation was ok because she would be dead. Some don't think she means it is really ok, maybe a spiritual adviser can get her to clarify her wishes.
I would probably just do cremation if I had the choice but my brothers care what mom would want even after she isn't here to know. So we need to talk to the cemetery people if they didn't today and she if she can be next to dad. If they are convinced she wanted cremated we could have her urn put on dad's grave. Mom and dad were married 47 years but he has been dead 20 now so it would be good to have them together.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 14, 2013 9:03:09 GMT -5
Crone - thank you for the update. I hope your mom can find some peace in her last days and you all can find out what she wishes to do. My dad is only 66 and very healthy but since mom passed away suddenly he has made it clear what his wishes are if anything were to happen. He has requested to be cremated and we are to exhume my mothers body and have his ashes spread inside her casket. I have already checked to see if this is a possibility and I am told that it is though it will be costly. Considering my dad is only 66 this could happen 25 yrs from now - who knows. I am guessing if he starts to change his mind at any point he will let me know. For me it is very important to follow through with what he wants.
Please accept my deepest sympathy during this terrible time.
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