patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Feb 13, 2011 16:32:59 GMT -5
Men need to feel an amount of control. It is the nature of the beast (cute beasts) Society today leaves no room for men to be men. The abuse issue most likely has increased this in DH. If counseling is not what he wants to do, then you need to make a decision to be patient. Time does heal things, but know it will be the two of you walking down that road. But that is part of loving someone. I agree on many points. What he went through with his grandparents... they had total control of his family, including financially. His dad was working here in the US, his mom worked cleaning houses earning almost nothing, and dad sent the $ home to his parents (the grandparents that abused his family). They wouldn't give them anything- sometimes just rotten vegetables from their store. long story, but I think control is a big issue because of what he and his mom and 3 siblings went through. They also took the kids out of school without mom or dad knowing, and forced them to labour on their farm to support their store...
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Feb 13, 2011 16:44:15 GMT -5
This scares me- I have many of the same traits you do and a former boss once called me (accurately) "non-confrontational". It's a good way to get walked all over. I was married to a moody spendthrift and bent over backwards doing everything I could to keep the peace. As in your situation, he was the spender, I was the saver. He got anything he wanted and if he had to max out his credit cards, that was OK. *I* was the Emergency Fund. If the water heater broke or we needed a new roof, it came out of the money I'd saved by not buying and doing everything I wanted. If he won't go for counseling, go yourself. Never getting angry is not good- it's a sign that you're pushing too much into the back of your mind because you don't want to deal with it. There are people who will exploit that and take advantage of you. It's a massive burden being the only responsible party in the marriage. I'm now married to a wonderful man who shares my financial priorities. It makes all the difference in the world. Well, things aren't as drastic as this, thank god! I think I can realize when I am taking too much, but I know that my tendency to push things out of my mind is not always the best. I don't think DH will take advantage, but I understand I should watch out for it. He usually is pushing me to stand up for myself, it's part of my personality that he has an issue with himself-but I know it won't stop being convenient for him either. Right now, the EF we have is mostly from me making it happen, yes. But at least he is not such as spender that he would run us into debt. I think having a number in an account doesn't give him the satisfaction that it gives me. I feel like it's my safety blanket.
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simser
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Post by simser on Feb 15, 2011 17:56:44 GMT -5
I'm confused by why you're getting paid, and having to pay college at the same time. Also why you can have a second job. I'm in my 6th year of my PhD and I've never heard of a program like that- it's usually full time, and they either pay you or you pay them, but you can never have another job. Are you getting paid by your school? Professional students (believe me you will feel like one by then) rather than "graduate students" other such students would be lawyers, regular doctors, pharmacists etc. people with real letters after their names and not a fluff "PhD" DVM-I don't post much and have never seen something by you that bothered me before. But calling a PhD "fluff" really, really ticked me off. There is nothing, other than loans, that you can claim you've done better than me in post bachelor work. I've been here for 6 years, with no summer breaks. I'm not going to claim I'm better, but it's equal. Especially as it was just a choice for me- I'm a chemist, so the vet prereq classes were all completed if I wanted them. It's sort of for your protection to- if you dared say that to one of my compadres to their face they probably would have punched you. So you need to be careful about what you're saying and to whom. Please.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Feb 15, 2011 18:02:55 GMT -5
I'm confused by why you're getting paid, and having to pay college at the same time. Also why you can have a second job. I'm in my 6th year of my PhD and I've never heard of a program like that- it's usually full time, and they either pay you or you pay them, but you can never have another job. Are you getting paid by your school? No, I have stated I believe here and elsewhere that I work full time at my job, and I am in college part-time currently. I am turning 24 this August, and I am 13 or so classes from my bachelors. I have been doing part time college/full time work and part time work/full time college since graduating high school. When the debt crisis arose, I did not return to college after finishing out my semster until paying off the debt. I was out of college from Dec 2008 until just now again, Jan 2010. My job gives me full benefits- I am earning my 4rth week of vacation this year, health/dental/eye insurace at a major discount (they pay 75% I think this year), bonuses, etc. I need my health insurance, I have semi-serious health issues that I cannot help. Now, I know what hard work is. The worst semster in college I ever had was when I had 15 credit hours and 4 part-time jobs. Yes, I was crazy. Yes, I would do it again if it meant continuing my education.
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stats45
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Post by stats45 on Feb 15, 2011 18:08:45 GMT -5
So you are accepted to a DVM program but are not currently a professional (vet) student?
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simser
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Post by simser on Feb 15, 2011 19:30:40 GMT -5
Thank you- I understand now. I thought you were actively working on your grad degree.
Then I would say that there are a lot of good options presented by the other posters but you need to do one before you go to post bachelor education. You will find that you might not be making any money and if it's an "I earned it I can spend it" issue with your husband it will be very bad. We had to combine all of our accounts to get rid of that mindset. I also found that my husband earned the money but I made it stretch so he found that it could be equal.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Feb 15, 2011 22:02:18 GMT -5
It is true that men don't like to be controlled, and the more you push for something, the more they pull back. Been there, done that. DD was diagnosed with learning disabilities (which I knew there was something wrong) when she was young. Ex fought me tooth and nail about not pursuing it, but I did alot of research (this was before the internet) and I realized that the right thing to do for her wasn't going to be to bury our heads in the sand and not deal with it. We also had the same mentality going on in our household, where he thought he brought in all this money and he should be able to spend it. Back in those days we didn't earn the kind of salaries that we do now, and ironically I earned more than he did (which also bothered him alot) but it was like I didn't contribute to things. And he had an allowance so he could do his drinking and "stuff" and I didn't, but it was never good enough. He felt I controlled everything and he had no say so, since I just overrode his opinions and proceeding with getting DD help. I tell you all this, because one of the things alot of people don't think about is when you have children, you might be faced with something like this, and you need to figure out as a couple how you will handle the road bumps of raising children. Whether it be like DD and deal with learning issues, or you have a troubled child, or one that might have autism or bipolor disorder, etc. This can rip apart a family much faster than finances. It was a large contributor to our problems, but by no means was the reason for the bigger challenges that ultimately led to divorce. And BTW, when DD went through an appendectomy at the age of 12 (we had been divorced for a few years at that point) he actually admitted that he was wrong and that I was right in proceeding against his wishes to get help for her.
On another note, my second husband had been abused when he was a child also (which I didn't realize the extent of when we married and I still don't know all of it) and that opened my eyes to other aspects of how you have to deal with someone who had more than his share of baggage in a relationship. We all grow as adults, some of us take our bad experiences and decide that we don't want to go down those paths, and others fall into the same patterns of what we learn growing up and continue the bad habits. And when you are nonconfrontational, it will build to a point where something will break down. You both need to get help to make sure that as you progress into your relationship, you are equipped to meet each other's needs and learn how to bridge the differences. I don't say this to scare you or put you off, I just wish that I had insight into the fact that sometimes professional help can get you through the rough times when they hit. Best of luck to you, and the progress is a wonderfully positive sign that you can make it.
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lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
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Post by lurkyloo on Feb 16, 2011 1:01:56 GMT -5
Karma to you, simser. Good to know that when I was pulling 70-90 hour weeks in the lab for five years of PhD and 1.5 years of postdoc it was all in the name of fluff. Really, DVM, that was uncalled for.
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Post by craig on Feb 16, 2011 17:27:13 GMT -5
[ quote author=formerexpat board=finance thread=3271 post=126545 time=1297564964]Seems like a cyclical pattern of you doing everything that's necessary to get the debt paid off, to get yourself a PhD, etc, etc, etc, while he just focuses on his life and living it the way he wants.
When shit hit the fan [his unemployment], you got a second job to pay down the $12k in debt.
Do you like living your life solely for his benefit? All seems fine in your relationship as long as you tread that line carefully not to send him into a hissy fit. Seems like this relationship doesn't benefit you as much as him.
Have you told him your desire to be financially secure when you bring children into this world...and that you'd like to with him some day?
His response?
You've got to determine whether the two of you are in this life together and have a common goal and plan for that life or whether you do not. If you do not, get out of the relationship and do not bring a child into this world with him.I agree with all of this and really can't add much more. On the other hand if things don't work out between the two of you you sound like quite a catch. Your hard will pay off for you. Always remember you don't need an anchor and although it sounds like he is helping out much more it doesn't take much for someone to regress to old habits.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Feb 17, 2011 6:39:42 GMT -5
It sounds like you have both made great strides and have been working together. You both need to accept that no one's way is "right". Being frugal isn't necessarily more "right" than working hard, and then buying and enjoying things you like. In life, you have to accept some things and I think you need to accept this aspect of your spouse, and he in turn also needs to realize you need financial security as well and there has to be a happy medium. At times, he will go overboard when there may be times you need to lighten up. But, I think you can work this out. Very good points. I shouldn't approach the issue from right vs. wrong, and I have not put much thought into this aspect either. Just because I am comfortable with not spending most of the time does not make it 'right' and just because he wants to spend $ on something doesn't make him 'wrong'. Something to think on for sure. Thanks
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Feb 17, 2011 6:44:01 GMT -5
Then I would say that there are a lot of good options presented by the other posters but you need to do one before you go to post bachelor education. You will find that you might not be making any money and if it's an "I earned it I can spend it" issue with your husband it will be very bad. We had to combine all of our accounts to get rid of that mindset. I also found that my husband earned the money but I made it stretch so he found that it could be equal. Also a really good point. Once I am in a veterinary program, I'll need his financial support (also support in general) a lot more than I have ever needed it in the course of our relationship. I'd like to be on the same page, rather than worst case senerio where he resents having to pull more than his 'fair share' while I am trying to complete my education... He's been supportive of me in college thoughout our relationship, but the only time I was honestly unemployed was for maybe 4 months my freshman semester back in early 2006, and then we had had some $ saved.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Feb 17, 2011 6:49:25 GMT -5
You've got to determine whether the two of you are in this life together and have a common goal and plan for that life or whether you do not. If you do not, get out of the relationship and do not bring a child into this world with him. [/i] I agree with all of this and really can't add much more. On the other hand if things don't work out between the two of you you sound like quite a catch. Your hard will pay off for you. Always remember you don't need an anchor and although it sounds like he is helping out much more it doesn't take much for someone to regress to old habits. [/quote] Ok, so karma to you for making me LOL big time. I think we're moving closer and closer to being on the same page. I've had a few mini-discussions with him since posting this thread, and while nothing earth-shattering has transpired, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. The child question has been discussed many times, and he has taken my side of things lately. He understands that #1, I don't feel ready for the pressures of being a mom (or ready to devote my life to another life right now), #2 I want to complete college, and #3 I want to be much more financially secure than we are right now. I know he feels ready to be a dad mentally, but he has come to the conclusion that we aren't ready financially either. He also knows he will just have to wait for me to be ready As for the kid thing- like I said before, he comes from another culture/country. If he hadn't married me he probably would have 3 or 4 kids by now lol. He is starting to feel old (he'll be 27) and everyone he knows already has kids (they start young). The culture issues can be trickier than financial issues, since they are basically ingrained into you from birth. But like I said before, we are on the same page on the issue with kids, just not finances.
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