So what marriage advice would you give to your children?

[zibazinski]

I want to print out all these replies and send them to my kids. I can trust my son, my daughter, I'd like to nudge a bit.

[NoNamePerson]

Don't make all the mistakes I made

[Deleted]

May 6, 2013 21:19:36 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Romance is wonderful.  Revel in it.  When, however, you start thinking long term, be sure you're thinking of someone you want to spend a lifetime with just the way he/she is.  Never consider marriage as a way to get what you want, or make things easier for you.  Instead, realize it's a companionable journey through which two people help one another, learn from one another, teach one another, and share the good times and the bad times with equal fervor.  Romance passes, but love becomes richer and fuller with the passage of time.

mmhmm

I totally agree with you all of what you said!!
Have a great day.

[Deleted]

What I just told my DS and new DIL:  if you marry someone with similar values and there's enough money, you don't really have to "work" at a marriage.  I say that having been happily married to DH for the last 10 years.  We don't argue because there's nothing to argue over.  We agree on the important stuff and there's enough money to supply our needs and most of our wants.  Money doesn't solve all problems, but lack of money (which can happen even when income is healthy but one partner wants to out-spend) certainly causes a lot.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Be able to talk and listen to each other.  About anything, even topics you KNOW you don't agree on and don't expect you ever will (my DH is a Creationist and I'm an Evolutionist - we've had fascinating discussions on it, we've had contentious discussions on it, and we've dropped the subject when one of is isn't willing to engage in it.  We certainly don't agree on it but we respect each other views and our rights to have differing views.)  

And when a serious topic is brought up, it's ok to say "I'd like a chance to think about this more before I commit to anything."

[Deleted]

Lol. My husband came home the other day talking about how neighbor got a book called the patriots bible, and which 'shows' how most of our founding documents were based on the bible... I laughed. He did not immediately dismiss it as hogwash.  First fight we've had in a long time. I'm not sure if he just pushed my buttons to get me going, because some times he likes to do that, but that one included reference books and a bit if yelling... He did back off when I told him I didn't think I could be married to someone who believed the Bill of Rights was based on the 10 commandments ( and something about term limits being do we don't worship our leaders as idols?)... 

Usually we are pretty solid on the big stuff though  

[thyme4change]

Treat your spouse like a competent adult.  If you don't think they can do simple tasks (like dressing a baby, or stacking a dishwasher) then don't marry them until you believe they have learned.  If you can't trust them and accept the way they do things, you will be in for a 10,000 days of disappointment.  Then they will leave you because you are a nagging bitch.

[Deleted]

May 7, 2013 9:20:19 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Treat your spouse like a competent adult.  If you don't think they can do simple tasks (like dressing a baby, or stacking a dishwasher) then don't marry them until you believe they have learned.  If you can't trust them and accept the way they do things, you will be in for a 10,000 days of disappointment.  Then they will leave you because you are a nagging bitch.

that one kinda hits home for me.  I'm a control freak, so I have had to learn to loosen up a bit.  DS's birth was the apex of the freakdom - I used to hover over DH then.  But he's done so much of DS's care without me that I really don't say anything to him.... most of the time.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Take a good look at his/her family.  These are the people you'll be spending holidays with for the rest of your life.  You don't need to be best buddies but if you don't feel you can play nice in the sandbox for the sake of your spouse, reevaluate.

I'm surprised neither one of us ran for the hills due to our families, especially DH!  We're not cutting them out of our lives anytime soon so being able to handle the drama/crazy is pretty important. 

[techguy]

Don't marry someone that's way beneath you.

[NancysSummerSip]

Be able to laugh at and with each other. There will be plenty of time for tears as well, but if you cannot point at and point out each others' funny bits and foibles and take a joke and find humor in one another, you are clearly both in the wrong relationship.

Not that I am not suggesting you poke fun, make ugley jokes or use any kind of cruel and demeaning statements in an attempt to sabotage or put one another down. That's a whole 'nother level of anger that has no place in any relationship.

[Deleted]

values....do you have the same values?

compromise.....without it, there will be issues big and small

respect.....first yourself, and then your SO

friendship.....lust will fade over time.....but if your SO is your best friend, it will never matter

vision.....do you have a vision on what you both want? short term and long term?

love.....is the culmination of all the things that make each other special....make sure you TELL EACH OTHER THAT EVERYDAY

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Be able to present a united front, at least in public.  Very rarely does anything good come from publically exposing your dirty laundry.  Wait till you are behind closed doors to hash it out. 

I disagree with DH but to other people we present a united front.  We don't want people thinking they can divide and manipulate us.

Sometimes being united is just keeping my/his mouth shut.

We've never had a situation where we'd need to pubically hash it out.  Not sure if we just don't disagree that passionately, the opportunity has never arisen or if it's because we keep that kind of stuff beind closed doors to begin with.

[Deleted]

I have 3 redheaded sisters and none of them had redheaded children. The closest to red is my DD who has an unusual color of light brown that turns almost strawberry in the summer. 

My sisters were smart enough to procreate with men who have no red in their families, while I never noticed that DH has red in his beard.  

[Deleted]

I love red heads. I didn't get my, but there are 6 in our homeschool group.... Still waiting to find out if Ruby, who has three beutiful red headed sisters, will be ironically brunette... It's looking that way.

[toomuchreality]

I have some wedding showers to go to for my DD over the next few weeks, followed by the wedding in June.
For the most part, I'm trying not to give advice.

There are some great thoughts/ideas given in this thread! Thank you all so much!

[zibazinski]

Run far away from a mommas boy with a toxic mother!

[happyscooter]

Everything stays within 4 walls.  The wife does not need to run to her mother telling her every. little. thing. and the husband doesn't need to run to his best friend or whoever with their problems. 

4 walls.

[Deleted]

- always remember why you got married in the first place.

- understand you will change/mature and be willing to love/cherish each other through those changes.

- it is ok to be mom/dad and grandparents but always work on remaining lovers and friends.

- always love each other even when you hate each other.

- stop dwelling on the small stuff, focus on the big picture: the world will not end because the dish did not get cleaned or the grass was not mowed.

- it is a journey, remember to have fun.

- remind your significant other that you love them even if you know they know it already, it is always nice to hear.

[Deleted]

May 7, 2013 12:46:44 GMT -5 @gdgyva said:

friendship.....lust will fade over time.....but if your SO is your best friend, it will never matter

Marry only after friendship has developed and evolved through several common testings of friendships and especially with the above trial before considering becoming one..  

After the thrills and lusts (not limiting the lusts to sexual content) of the first stages of building a solid relationship has passed and been established.. In other words, when the goose-bump stages simmers down, and they do- (Not to say the simmer cannot be reignited again and again.) Then and only then would I recommend my children to marry. Not that they'd give heed to my advice. I will only hope so. 

[swamp]

be a lady in public and a tiger in the sack.

[Deleted]

Crap! I've been doing it wrong this whole time... 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It's okay to go to bed angry. 

Sometimes things escalate and it's better to take a time out than to end up saying something you'll regret.  By morning you'll have a clear head and be able to re-visit the issue.

In addition to the above, no matter how pissed you are try to demonstrate you still love each other.  No matter how pissed I am at DH I always make a point to kiss him before he or I leave the house.  It reminds us we might be having a squabble right now but we still love/care about each other.

[Bob Ross]

The best advice I would give is to marry a rich supermodel rocket scientist.

The second best advice I would give is to get me another beer.

Or is that vice-versa?

[Shooby]

  Forgive each other daily.  Focus on the things you love about your spouse.  Don't maximize the negative and minimize the positive.  Realize that we all have different gifts and talents and abilities and not everyone is good at everything.   If your spouse is hopeless at cooking and you enjoy it, then don't try to mold each other into carbon copies of yourselves.  Support one another.  Step in and lighten each other's load.  Bring your spouse a cup of coffee and a sandwich.  Put gas in her car and just go pick up milk because you know you always need it.  Think of ways to make life more pleasant for one another.