What parents should teach their kids but don't

[Deleted]

Spin off Firebird thread; I feel that nowadays we expect so much out of the schools...Not only to educate our kids but also raise them.

So what do you think some parents should teach their kids but obviously don't (at least in large numbers) to prepare them for this world/becoming adults.

- Personal finances (at least how to balance a check book).
- Home skills : cook, doing laundry, iron, clean, etc.
- Grooming and personal hygiene
- and this one is personal: acting properly is not acting white; no race has the monopoly on acting/behaving well socially. Same for getting good grades, being smart.

***my siblings were visiting and they told my wife and I we were acting "white" : forcing them to use proper grammar/language, eat at the table with us and use the proper silverware to eat. For some reason it bothered me and I knew my mom raised me better than that so I wondered where they were getting it from : friends, family, etc.

Talked to my mom, she investigated it and seems it started at school; they were being made fun of because they were getting good grades, behaving, etc. My siblings are 10 and 9 so I am guessing those kids are also in the same age bracket and getting/ hearing it from someone else (assuming a parent). Who the fuck tells a kid such garbage? You are acting "white"?


What do you want to add to the list?

[thyme4change]

Birth control.

[Deleted]

Apr 19, 2013 14:13:13 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Birth control.

I will say "condoms" for both sex; with all those diseases out there a kid may not be the worse thing you get out of a sexual encounter.

[thyme4change]

Most of the diseases are treatable or controllable.  

As is pregnancy - technically.

Prevention is better for both.

[Chocolate Lover]

To expand on a couple of your categories: 

A lesson in: just because you have more checks/a debit card that does NOT mean you have money to back those up.

Acting proper also isn't acting uppity or like you're better than someone. (to take race out of it because it's an attitude I've seen a variation of, but outside of a racial context)

[Sum Dum Gai]

Discipline.  It all stems from discipline, or lack thereof.

Respect for authority.

Thinking through the logical consequences of your actions.  I have a soft spot in my heart for smartasses.  I've always been one.  However, you need to consider your audience.  If you're barely 5 feet tall and only weigh 80 pounds the day after Thanksgiving talking shit to people a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than you is a good way to wind up in the back of an ambulance.

[zibazinski]

C, that's been going on for decades. I'm sorry your siblings are going through it. It happened when I was in school, it happened when my kids were in school, and now it's another generation. What a shame. 

[Deleted]

Apr 19, 2013 14:24:59 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Discipline.  It all stems from discipline, or lack thereof.

Respect for authority.

Thinking through the logical consequences of your actions.  I have a soft spot in my heart for smartasses.  I've always been one.  However, you need to consider your audience.  If you're barely 5 feet tall and only weigh 80 pounds the day after Thanksgiving talking shit to people a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than you is a good way to wind up in the back of an ambulance.

respect for themselves

respect for others

the ability to argue their point of view without flying off the handle

the value of a dollar (quality counts)

[giramomma]

Work ethic..

You need to work to earn what you want in life. You aren't entitled to whatever simply because you exist.

[Deleted]

Don't get so drunk you are not in control of yourself.  Drunk people can't consent.

Be careful with your social media persona/activities.  That shit can follow you forever.

Most decisions aren't final - you get a chance to try, try again.

Self-discipline.

The value of small steps - i.e. saving a little adds up to a lot, maintaining weight is easier than gaining/losing.

Being rude doesn't show you're funny or confident - just an ass.

You're probably not hiding your thoughts as well as you think and that may be what people react to when they interact with you.

There is beauty all around you, interesting and kind people around you, but you have to look and give to see it.

[sheilaincali]

Home Skills- beyong the cooking/cleaning.  We've been showing the Boy how to change furnace filters, how to replace a light fixture, how to replace the belt on a dryer, etc. 
Automobile Maintenance- the common sense stuff.  There's no reason why a person shouldn't have at a minimum a basic understanding of how to change a tire, change their oil, etc

Personal Finance- how credit cards work, the impact bad decisions can have a on credit score, budgeting, student loans, etc.

Work Ethic and Personal Responsibility - what's expected of you at a job, the importance of being places on time and completing the tasks assigned to you.

Respect for Authority

Realistic Sex Education- condoms, birth control, STDs

Alcohol Awareness-  When we have parties at our house DS frequently will hang out with us or have his own group of friends over.  There is alcohol at our part of the party but I like to think we show him how to be smart about it.  Every couple (or group driving together) has a DD.  I never drink because I have to drive DS' friends home at the end of the night.  DS sees that the sober people are having just as much fun as the ones drinking.  He sees that when G is on call she obviously puts her patients first and doesn't drink a drop.  I'd like to give him enough information that he doesn't run off to college and get blitzed his first weekend there and end up with a ticket for being a minor. 

[Deleted]

the karma sutra

[sheilaincali]

Anne-  Thats a good one.  Social Media-  We always tell the Boy that whatever ends up on line is there forever.  No sending nudie pics to girls and no asking for them! 

Learn to embrace who you are.  My son is a absolute and total dork.  Nerd.  Geek.  Whatever term you want to apply to him.  He wears it with pride.  He has a wonderful group of like minded dorky friends and they have enjoyed every minute of high school so far.  They are so secure in who they are that they are happy. 

Friends- it's about the quality not always the quantity.  Don't surround yourself with people who don't have your best interests in mind.  Don't waste your time on friendships that will hold you back in life.

[Peace Of Mind]

Apr 19, 2013 14:29:49 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

C, that's been going on for decades. I'm sorry your siblings are going through it. It happened when I was in school, it happened when my kids were in school, and now it's another generation. What a shame. 

Your kids were acting too white too?   

Carl - Good list and I would like to add be protective and helpful to the ones that can't help or protect themselves.  Whether due to age, medical handicaps, smaller build or weaker than others, etc.  Also if it's just getting the door for somebody like a mom with a baby and toddler who has their hands full or an elderly person with a walker, wheelchair bound...  stuff like that.  I guess what I mean is to show compassion for others but said in a long winded way.  Kids need examples to get what people mean when you say that.

[telephus44]

Manners.  Please and Thank-you.  Ask to be excused from the table.  Address adults as Mr and Mrs.  Hold the door for others.  It doesn't have to be Miss Manners, but basic courtesy.

[Deleted]

Apr 19, 2013 14:38:13 GMT -5 @gdgyva said:

Apr 19, 2013 14:24:59 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Discipline.  It all stems from discipline, or lack thereof.

Respect for authority.

Thinking through the logical consequences of your actions.  I have a soft spot in my heart for smartasses.  I've always been one.  However, you need to consider your audience.  If you're barely 5 feet tall and only weigh 80 pounds the day after Thanksgiving talking shit to people a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than you is a good way to wind up in the back of an ambulance.

respect for themselves

respect for others

the ability to argue their point of view without flying off the handle

the value of a dollar (quality counts)

I would like to add few more thing that I think it's important.

Learn to have a compassion to others whom worst off than you are.

Agree to disagree.

[kgb18]

the ability to argue their point of view without flying off the handle

There are some older folks who need that lesson, too. My boss just had to escort a man (who I would guess is in his 70s) out of our building. He came in with a disagreement about a story we printed. He didn't think the story should have been written at all. Instead of calmly explaining why he was upset, he started shouting and telling the writer he should be ashamed of himself. He wouldn't let my coworker explain anything. As my boss calmly told him he needed to leave and went to usher him out he started shouting, "Go ahead and touch me. Here's my NRA shirt." He opened his shirt to reveal his NRA t-shirt.

Fun times.

[alabamagal]

I tried with my kids, but when I look at them, I see where I could have done better. I think I needed to have done better on the following things.

DD22 - needs more resilience. She has a college degree and underemployed living at home. I wish she was more resilient.

DS20 - he lacks life skills. Despite a high GPA in Finance, he does not understand credit cards. He has had one for 4 months. When he lost his card, he called me a week later in a panic because he thought someone used his card and stole $500 because his balance was $0. I explained that his balance of $0 was a good thing and he had $500 available credit. He also absolutely can not cook anything beside microwave meals. He is ADD and has no interest, as much as I tried to teach him.

DS18 - despite having 10 job interviews for minimum wage mcJobs, he can not find a job. He is just a quiet (not shy) kid who does not like to talk about himself. He also mumbles and it is hard to understand him. He has a great resume for a college kid (high GPA, worked in high school, Eagle Scout, etc.) but just can not get past an interview. I don't know how to help him.

All my kids are well mannered, well groomed, good students, so I think that I was mostly successful.

[Peace Of Mind]

georgiagal - Great point about the mumbling!  I notice a lot of kids today mumble so I assumed they were shy or aren't comfortable around adults.   Concise speaking and annunciation would be another good one to teach.

When I was doing my refinancing I had a loan processor that I could not understand.  She said she had a cold so I was patient.  After she got rid of her cold I still couldn't understand a word.  She once left a message on our recorder and DH said WTH?   I can't understand a word she just said!  So I decided to ask her to email me what she wanted.  The poor thing couldn't construct a simple sentence and used wrong words, etc.  I finally called the original guy that preapproves you for the loan and checks your credit, etc. and told him I needed a different processor as I couldn't understand the one I had.    I asked him not to get her into trouble and put the blame on me and just say we were not a good fit.  But OMG!  How did that girl have a job?! 

[Deleted]

Georgia it takes guts to be honest like that. Please don't beat yourself up though. Some is age, some is personality. We do what we can.... 

[Deleted]

georgiagal


my daughter had the same issue as your ds18

she was fine around people she knew and trusted, but was terrible around new people

she had a big hill to climb

we got her to practice with our friends...colleagues....etc

she wanted to improve....so that helped a lot.....

and after a number of mock interviews....and some coaching, she got much better

videotaping the sessions let her see what everyone else was seeing......and she knew where she had to improve

she got a job...continued to improve, and now you would never know she had that issue years ago

[haapai]

One of the most valuable and difficult lessons my parents ever taught me was to be wary of the first person that seemed to want to be my friend whenever I moved to a new school or a new town.  It was very difficult for them to tell me this and I'm not sure how well I absorbed what they were trying to tell me but I am eternally grateful nonetheless.

My father put it something like this, "Sometimes the first people that seem to want to be friends with you are the kind of people who have difficulty keeping friends.  So pay attention to how other people treat them.  Sometimes those first friends don't know how to be friends with anyone." 

Let me back up a bit and give you some background on my folks.  They were former Peace Corps volunteers who talked to everyone.  They were constantly telling me that I could learn something from everyone that I met and that I was never to stop learning.  What they were trying to tell me seemed to contradict everything about how they had lived their lives. 

But it wasn't bad advice either.  I feel pretty sorry for people who have never heard it and fall hard for the workplace manipulator. 

[Peace Of Mind]

Apr 19, 2013 18:22:03 GMT -5 haapai said:

One of the most valuable and difficult lessons my parents ever taught me was to be wary of the first person that seemed to want to be my friend whenever I moved to a new school or a new town.  It was very difficult for them to tell me this and I'm not sure how well I absorbed what they were trying to tell me but I am eternally grateful nonetheless.

My father put it something like this, "Sometimes the first people that seem to want to be friends with you are the kind of people who have difficulty keeping friends.  So pay attention to how other people treat them.  Sometimes those first friends don't know how to be friends with anyone." 

Let me back up a bit and give you some background on my folks.  They were former Peace Corps volunteers who talked to everyone.  They were constantly telling me that I could learn something from everyone that I met and that I was never to stop learning.  What they were trying to tell me seemed to contradict everything about how they had lived their lives. 

But it wasn't bad advice either.  I feel pretty sorry for people who have never heard it and fall hard for the workplace manipulator. 

I was once told that about co-workers at a new job.  That the first person who tried the hardest to be my friend (I had a job with lots of confidential info.) should not be trusted. Most times it was true.

[cronewitch]

Teach them to be good people, keep their word, honest, trust worthy. Not that they should be push overs but generally do what others want without arguing and always do what they promise. Under promise and over deliver and never promise something out of your control.

There are unseen benefits and unseen punishments for not doing the right thing they might not ever know why they got Karma. My brothers had kids, oldest brother had disobedient children, youngest obedient children.  When they were together I didn't let any of them ride in the back of my truck. When the disobedient kids went home I gave the local good kids rides. I did explain they couldn't when the cousins were here because I knew if I said sit with your back against the cab and don't move unless I tell you to you will obey and I don't trust them. Now it is illegal but we grew up riding in the backs of trucks and seat belts weren't in cars at all. I took one of the good kids to the circus once. As we went in I said I want you to be good, then I apologized and told him I knew he would be good or I wouldn't have invited him. Brat children miss invitations because we don't enjoy them. Children should obey all trust worthy adults unless they have a very good reason not to. When they would spend the night and I would tell them to brush teeth, put on PJs, go to bed or anything they would just do it without back talk. I enjoyed them but never invited their cousins because I wouldn't have enjoyed them.

[Deleted]

I'm laughing but making faces because you want us to teach kids what their parents aren't.  What happened to parents teaching kids how to behave, and teachers teaching how to read, write, and do arithmetic?  I am exaggerating, but every time someone notices something that kids need, they say, "The schools need to teach birth control, character, manners, consequences . . . fill in the blank."

It is true that the schools have the kids longer than most parents do, but you don't need eight hours a day to teach kids these things.  It starts at a young age and progresses as the kids get older.

What I do think we do need to teach kids is digital citizenship (that covers social media), character education, and basic manners.  Some of that is active teaching (digital citizenship and character) and some of that is passive teaching (I won't accept rudeness).

But, honestly, parents shouldn't expect the schools to teach them EVERYTHING.  I was watching To Sir With Love this weekend, and I was awed.  He taught them respect for each other and respect for themselves.  However, he threw out teaching them literature, math, and science.  It was really too late since they were all about to graduate.

That's fine in theory, but it doesn't work in today's world.  He also got into a boxing match with a student who was dying to hit him, and put one single killer punch to the gut.  That teacher would be arrested today. 

ETA: Oped is right.  I mixed my threads up.  But I will leave this simply because everyone seems to think schools should be the parents, rather than the parents.

[Deleted]

Susan, this is the 'what PEARENTS should teach' thread ...  There is another for what teachers should teach...

[motherto2]

Southern, the way I read it is what should we as parents teach our children, not what we want teachers to teach our children.  Maybe I read it wrong, but I think one of the more important things in life to teach children is obey the law.  I always told my kids you need to obey, because we will be the example.  It's very hard when a child sees other kids getting away with things, but the law is the law.  I don't always agree with them, but I also don't want to teach my kids that it's ok to ignore the laws.    Another important thing is to tell people that you love them.  It shouldn't be embarrassing to tell someone.  My ex was a volunteer firefighter, so we always tried to part without being mad and to tell each other that we loved them, because you never knew if it would be a missed opportunity, and then it would be too late.  At least that's the way it was in the beginning....

 

And last, that you make your way on your own merit.  Don't think or expect that mom is going to get you on the team, or get you in the starting line up.  Mom is only there for the first few years.  After that, you are on your own.  I can't tell you how many kids I saw rewarded because of their mom or dad.  What good does that do them when they graduate from HS and go off to college?  My kids never got anything because of what I did.  Maybe they didn't get to be a starter even though they deserved it, but you shouldn't always get a trophy because you participated.

[Peace Of Mind]

Oh good.  I thought I was the one that misinterpreted his point and answered wrong.  I read it that he wanted to know what parents should teach their kids - not the teachers.  Although I suspect they're the ones that end up doing it in some cases. 

Teachers - The other parents. 

[alabamagal]

POM, gdgyva, oped, thanks for the kind words. I know he will get better as he gets older. He was in drama in high school, had a leading part his senior year (it is a VERY SMALL school) and we thought that would help. He has also worked for DH as customer service/cashier and will do that this summer and that helps him some. Fortunately he changed his career goal from sports broadcasting to accounting!

[Deleted]

that pimping aint  easy 

** I wish my parents taught me this**