School fundraising and relatives

[Deleted]

I just got a note from my sister, thanking me for the sweet note from my daughter, which was thoughtfully decorated with stickers courtesy of my four-year-old granddaughter.  She also got the fundraising solicitation for the school and will be sending her check next week.  What?

I am so truly embarrassed that my daughter asked!   She didn't even know my sister's address until she asked me for it to send what I thought was a thank-you note.  She probably doesn't know that my sister is retired and living on her pension/Social Security while still partially supporting her third daughter who is back in college.  She definitely doesn't know that my sister has cancer.

Ironically, we got solicited and didn't donate.  I already put aside $$$ in a 529 for each of the grandkids; that is our contribution to their education. 

I emailed my sister and asked her to just ignore the request.  Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I sort of feel like my sister mentioned it so that I would be aware of the situation or at least aware of her generosity.  I really don't want to have to talk about this with my daughter, who is never wrong.  She would just shrug and say, "It was only a solicitation, Mom.  It is up to her to decide if she can afford to donate or not."

Here's where everyone can tell me how wrong I am to be embarrassed. 

[swamp]

Your daughter is an adult. She can ask whomever she wants for money.

[milee]

Swamp's right about not having to be embarrassed about something your adult daughter does.  You handled it perfectly (letting her know there's no requirement to donate and you'll support her ignoring the request.) 

And your sister is probably well aware that you can't tell your daughter anything because the daughter is never wrong, so sis fully understands the situation. 

[Deleted]

Maybe my attitude will change when I have kids but I absolutely HATE getting solicitations to donate to those school fundraising thing.

[midjd]

I am so truly embarrassed that my daughter asked!   She didn't even know my sister's address until she asked me for it to send what I thought was a thank-you note.  She probably doesn't know that my sister is retired and living on her pension/Social Security while still partially supporting her third daughter who is back in college.  She definitely doesn't know that my sister has cancer.

In that situation, I'd probably be embarrassed if I was your daughter (assuming she would not have asked had she known everything that was going on in your sister's life). Not that she should necessarily be privy to things your sister doesn't want to share, but it doesn't sound like there was any greedy intent on your daughter's behalf. Certainly nothing for you to be embarrassed over.

I hate being approached for fundraisers/Thirty One/Lia Sophia (or having to do it myself) so when the time comes I'll probably just write a check. Unless my kid is selling Girl Scout cookies, those things are delicious!

[Shooby]

  I HATE fundraisers!  For us, i hated selling things as a kid.  So, i don't make my kids do it.  I buy the stuff myself and then just give it away.  $$$

[whoami]

I get hit up each year by my SIL for the fundraiser at my nephews school and its not a $3.00 candy bar either.  Because I have been designated the "special" donor, only I have the ability to make sure nephew gets whatever stupid prize is being given away...I think its usually a t-shirt or some cheap bag or something.  Minimum donation for the prize is $50 and it has to come from who ever is selected as the "special" one.  I get picked because nobody in her family has any money; most of them are on the dole in some form or fashion and my parents already do plenty.  Since she cant be bothered to say thank you or even acknowledge the donation, when it shows up next year, its going straight into the trash.  

[zibazinski]

We buy Christmas wreaths from the boy scouts and they are awesome and last forever. Best 20 bucks I spend all year. We also buy the gift paper which is a nice quality but we have enough so won't buy this year. DF can just write a check if he likes.

[NastyWoman]

I think what is bothersome to me about this behavior, is not that DD asked for money from her aunt, but the fact that she asked an aunt to support a fundraiser while not knowing aunt all that well to begin with (she had to ask SS for her address) and she did so at a point when she already owed aunt a thank you note. I can see SS POV: this behavior is embarrassing along the lines of "thank you now give me some more". I think your note was appropriate SS and now you need to let it go.

[zibazinski]

[happyscooter]

ss, it is human nature to be embarassed even if we didn't do anything.  if someone makes a negative comment about your weight or hair or clothes, they should be the ones who are embarassed.  But then others standing around look at us like we are the bad guys.  I understand how you feel.  it looks like you raised your daughter to be greedy.  not true, she is an adult.  but again, human nature.

[Deleted]

Thanks, guys.  I think what is bothering me is that my daughter and my sister aren't particularly close.  My ex didn't like her then-DH.  So for maybe twenty years we never visited.  She lives in NM.  We actually reconnected about the time DH and I married (four years ago).  He likes her a lot and makes sure we stay in touch.

So she visits every year, and I've gone out there a couple of times.  I did send her kids graduation checks years and years ago, but I never allowed my kids to ask for that because that is a money-grab (in my book).  When she comes out here (usually summer or Christmas), she always brings the grands presents or buys them while she is here for their birthdays.  My sister is very generous.

Meanwhile I doubt that my daughter could name her cousins.  Well, she could the oldest one because she is named Emilie.  My daughter is naming her next daughter Emily, and I suggested she spell it like her cousin.  No way. 

This isn't even fundraising that will benefit my daughter.  It is fundraising for the school in general.  It is a private school, and apparently they are asking the kids to write letters to relatives to raise money for the school.  It is fine in my book to hit the grandparents.  I feel like asking if they asked my daughter's husband's aunts and uncles to contribute.

I don't think it is being greedy exactly.  I just think it is thoughtless.  She is taking advantage of my sister's desire to be closer to my family. 

I do feel sorry for my daughter, too, though.  She is rather helpless with this fundraising mentality.  We never let her sell stuff; we wrote checks to cover whatever.  (She also went to a private school, but one that had a monthly fee that promised you wouldn't have to raise money.)  The cheerleading squad, Beta Club, etc. did raise money, but we just wrote a check for the organization's profit if she had sold the minimum they were expected to sell.  She is really bad at asking.  She gave cookie dough she was supposed to sell as a Christmas present.  (LOL).  That was fine. 

Anyway, Swamp is right.  I am not responsible for what my 35-year-old daughter does.  I need to remember that.  She may embarrass me, but it is too late for me to correct that.

[Shooby]

  It is a few dollars.  There is nothing to be embarrassed about.  Your sister could have also said "No thank you".

[Miss Tequila]

I refuse to every participate in a fundraiser.  No matter what my kids are doing (cheerleading, girl scouts, school, etc.) I write a check to cover the minimum.  I would never feel right approaching people to donate...just seems tacky to me. 

That said, it does seem to be common practice.  I remember getting hit up all the time where I used to work ($10 lottery ticket, $15 wrapping paper, etc.).  My reply was always "sorry, all of my donation funds go to my own children's activities since I cut checks to cover the minimum so I do not have to participate in the fundraisers). 

anyway, while I found the fundraising to be quite annoying, I never looked at any of the parents as greedy.  Most of them could have afforded to just cut checks like I did so that annoyed me a little, but I'm easily annoyed

[Shooby]

  How can you "refuse" to participate?  There is no refusal here.  You either sell or you pay X amount in lieu of selling. 

[swamp]

Apr 18, 2013 8:09:12 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  How can you "refuse" to participate?  There is no refusal here.  You either sell or you pay X amount in lieu of selling. 

Read her post.  It says she writes a check for the minimum amount. 

[Shooby]

Oh, OK.  Well, i do the same thing.  But, for some of the activities there is no option to not participate.  You have to sell a minimum.  So, i buy the minimum and give it away.  I would like to see parents take a stand and say that this is getting absurd and enough is enough.  If more of us did that, we might be able to get this monster under control.

[zibazinski]

Absolutely, this would not go one if parents stood their ground and said NO.

[Miss Tequila]

Apr 18, 2013 8:09:12 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  How can you "refuse" to participate?  There is no refusal here.  You either sell or you pay X amount in lieu of selling. 

I refuse to sell any crap...I send in a check instead.  They are my children so I should cover the cost of whatever it is they are doing.  That is why I find asking other people to participate in their fundraising tacky...why should someone else pay for their cheerleading, etc? 

[Miss Tequila]

Apr 18, 2013 8:16:07 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Oh, OK.  Well, i do the same thing.  But, for some of the activities there is no option to not participate.  You have to sell a minimum.  So, i buy the minimum and give it away.  I would like to see parents take a stand and say that this is getting absurd and enough is enough.  If more of us did that, we might be able to get this monster under control.

You dn't know how to negotiate.  I forget which organization it was (this was years ago) but I was told I "had to" sell a box of candy.  I told them that they could either accept a check from me for $25 (they got half the proceeds) or nothing...that I wasn't buying a $50 box of candy bars to just throw them out.  They took my check and shut their mouth. 

[The Captain]

Apr 18, 2013 9:42:46 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Apr 18, 2013 8:16:07 GMT -5 Shooby said:

Oh, OK.  Well, i do the same thing.  But, for some of the activities there is no option to not participate.  You have to sell a minimum.  So, i buy the minimum and give it away.  I would like to see parents take a stand and say that this is getting absurd and enough is enough.  If more of us did that, we might be able to get this monster under control.

You dn't know how to negotiate.  I forget which organization it was (this was years ago) but I was told I "had to" sell a box of candy.  I told them that they could either accept a check from me for $25 (they got half the proceeds) or nothing...that I wasn't buying a $50 box of candy bars to just throw them out.  They took my check and shut their mouth. 

One year we got hit up by family members for wrapping paper, frozen cookie dough, popcorn, candy bars, cookies and frozen pizzas.

Most of the time we just buy the stuff and bring it in to work to share.  However, I drew the line at the frozen pizza.  I simply will not eat them.  I called and asked if we could just donate instead of overpaying for frozen cardboard.  The answer was a quick yes, apparently we were not the only ones to bring up the topic...