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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 14:03:42 GMT -5
I said I hated dealing with DH's issues when we travel, but he has gotten a lot more relaxed since he started therapy. He wasn't always wound so tightly on trips, but once we got married he became increasingly anxious - and yes, I really didn't like going on trips with him. But at that time it was either go with him and not have fun or don't go anywhere. I don't think anyone should be limited to those options.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 14:13:08 GMT -5
I said I hated dealing with DH's issues when we travel, but he has gotten a lot more relaxed since he started therapy. He wasn't always wound so tightly on trips, but once we got married he became increasingly anxious - and yes, I really didn't like going on trips with him. But at that time it was either go with him and not have fun or don't go anywhere. I don't think anyone should be limited to those options. My ex-MIL and ex-FIL don't travel together anymore. He's hyper sensitive to smells and it's gotten extremely annoying now. It used to just be cigarettes, but now it's perfume, candles, cleaning supplies...he'll just pitch a fit and act like he's dying. MIL has been only traveling with her daughter and a friend of hers for the past probably 5 or 10 years now and her husband stays home. Other than that, they've been happily married for 52 years now. She just makes sure everything in their house is unscented. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png)
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Mar 1, 2013 14:19:53 GMT -5
I don't see a probelm with an occassional separate weekend trip... but to me, "vacation" is a decent chunk of time away... and if I'm married to someone that I don't want to vacation with and I don't want to touch base with during the work day (either e-mail or text and an occassional rare phone call), then I'd rather not be married to that person, to be honest. i wouldn't marry anyone i wouldn't want to vacation with or touch base with while working either... however I also wouldn't marry anyone who couldn't vacation without me or had a problem with me being away for more than a weekend or felt "disconnected" in our marriage because they had to go 8 hours without hearing my voice.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Mar 1, 2013 14:21:12 GMT -5
To those people that wouldn't vacation without their Sig other... I wonder, Did you vacation often with friends or family BEFORE getting married?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Mar 1, 2013 14:42:57 GMT -5
Hmm... According to this thread, my parents are going to divorce because my mom is staying me and helping me out for 3 weeks (total, she's been here 2 weeks and is staying one more). Interesting. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) I do prefer to vacation with DH in general, but the occaisonal girls trip is nice. Finally, I prefer not to talk to my DH during the work day. If I call him, chances are I'll catch him hip deep in diaper changes and if he calls me, I'm in the middle of something. It is just kind of a pain. Usually he is calling me to ask me to pick something up on my way home or I'm calling him and asking if I need to pick something up. Not exactly communicating with each other.
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Mar 1, 2013 14:50:21 GMT -5
The most interesting part of this thread is how people make these leaps of assumption. I don't recollect anyone saying (seriously)your marriage was doomed or that you would get divorced if you went on vacation without your spouse. I think the point was that if everything else was equal wouldn't your first preference for a vacation be with your spouse? Period the end but I'll let you guys enjoy your own conclusions.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 15:04:17 GMT -5
The most interesting part of this thread is how people make these leaps of assumption. I don't recollect anyone saying (seriously)your marriage was doomed or that you would get divorced if you went on vacation without your spouse. I think the point was that if everything else was equal wouldn't your first preference for a vacation be with your spouse? Period the end but I'll let you guys enjoy your own conclusions. okay.... then what were you trying to say by posting this?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 15:13:41 GMT -5
I think the point was that if everything else was equal wouldn't your first preference for a vacation be with your spouse?
Everything is not always equal though. While we like to do a lot of the same things, most certainly not all. And I enjoy other people, not just my spouse. I want to spend time with my Mom and Aunts before they're gone someday. They've been there for me my entire 44 years, my husband 5. Same deal with my husband wanting to spend time with his brothers. It's their getaway from wives and family life for a week, and the wives get a week vacation without having to burn any at work. LOL
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 15:27:38 GMT -5
My family (e.i. mother/father/sisters/niece/nephew) My best friends (most I have know exponentially longer than DH) What if a couple simply have different interests? isn't it weird to give that up just so you can spend all your time with your SO? For me, spending all my "unique moments" with one person would be kind of unfulfilling. There is give and take in the relationship, we have tried to find vacations that suit both of our interests as well as our family to enrich our experiences. We do day trips or weekends for our unique interests. Everyone needs to make the call between what is compromise and what is simply being selfish in their actions. why is it selfish to take separate trips? I mean, it would be one thing if your spouse wanted to go with you on a particular trip and you said "no way, I can't stand the sight of your face right now, step off". But if he wants to take vacation A and I want to take vacation B and we're both good with that, I can't see how it's a problem. For example, he likes to go hunting, and if I were alone with him in the woods with a loaded gun, well.....let's just say me not going is the benevolent option.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 15:32:36 GMT -5
yes yes, there is give and take. You make compromises so that you can do things as a couple/family. But what about those times when you are so far apart that there is no compromise? What if you want to go on a two-week tour through Europe and your partner wants to stay on the couch and watch Shark Week? Then you go for one week to Hawaii, if it is an either/or then that is the definition of a problem. I am not talking about one time exceptions but when it continually comes up then there is an underlying issue.That is just as ridiculous as saying that every couple that only takes vacations together is in an unhealthy codependent relationship and afraid to be alone and develop any outside relationships or hobbies. Different things work for different couples.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 15:36:50 GMT -5
do I have to start leaving the bathroom door open to prove that I don't hate my DH? ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 15:38:11 GMT -5
The most interesting part of this thread is how people make these leaps of assumption. I don't recollect anyone saying (seriously)your marriage was doomed or that you would get divorced if you went on vacation without your spouse. I think the point was that if everything else was equal wouldn't your first preference for a vacation be with your spouse? Period the end but I'll let you guys enjoy your own conclusions. LOL!!!! Off the top of my head I recall you writing that if you travel alone it's selfish, your relationship is headed for rocky shoals and you have underlying issues. That's not exactly a huge leap, IHOP.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 15:40:47 GMT -5
do I have to start leaving the bathroom door open to prove that I don't hate my DH? ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) LMAO! Yes, and he has to hold your hand while you take shower. Have you called him in the last hour? better get on that!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 15:51:01 GMT -5
We do day trips or weekends for our unique interests.
So, you're ok with day and weekend trips apart for separate interests. I don't know what the big difference is between that and stretching it to a week or two sometimes.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 1, 2013 15:53:06 GMT -5
do I have to start leaving the bathroom door open to prove that I don't hate my DH? ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) LMAO! Yes, and he has to hold your hand while you take shower. Have you called him in the last hour? better get on that! How do I wash my hair with one hand, or is he supposed to wash my hair for me?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 1, 2013 15:53:29 GMT -5
We do day trips or weekends for our unique interests.
So, you're ok with day and weekend trips apart for separate interests. I don't know what the big difference is between that and stretching it to a week or two sometimes. 72 hours max, or your marriage is doomed.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 15:55:32 GMT -5
LMAO! Yes, and he has to hold your hand while you take shower. Have you called him in the last hour? better get on that! How do I wash my hair with one hand, or is he supposed to wash my hair for me? Love isn't always convenient Swamp, don't be such a selfish bitch!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 1, 2013 15:56:52 GMT -5
How do I wash my hair with one hand, or is he supposed to wash my hair for me? Love isn't always convenient Swamp, don't be such a selfish bitch! That's one of my better qualities.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 16:01:00 GMT -5
it's not love unless you are inconveniencing yourself.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 16:03:42 GMT -5
uh-oh. I thought it wasn't love unless I was inconveniencing HIM! Ooopsie.
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Mar 1, 2013 16:14:08 GMT -5
Purty funny, two separate issues here, lets' try this one more time.
1. Going on vacations separately, in and of iteself it means nothing. I would still think once again that your preference would be to be with your loved one which was why I called it weird when others chose otherwise simply because they could.
2. There is a larger conversation which is seen in relationships that are fraying where your focus is more on yourself then the relationship. This is a very simple concept AND BTW in the larger picture someone who wants to go on vacations by themselves or with "friends" this COULD be a sign along with plenty of other signs that something could be wrong in the relationship. Once again people in and of itself it means NOTHING but in the scheme of the larger picture of things it could be an important detail. I have some friends who had their "spouses" off on vacations and there was other stuff going on.
I hope that puts it into perspective. The visceral reaction though from some of you makes me feel like you're feeling guilty about something, I'm available in PM if you want to unburden your soul.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 16:19:56 GMT -5
will there be pancakes and boysenberry syrup?
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ontrack
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Post by ontrack on Mar 1, 2013 16:20:30 GMT -5
I also sometimes take trips without my DH. Last summer, I went to my college friend's wedding and stayed visiting other friends for a week. DH doesn't really know those people, he has less vacation than me, and he didn't want to spend money on the flight; ergo, I went by myself. I don't think that makes me selfish; I think it's actually healthy. I have friends that are so clingy with their spouse it's a bit disgusting.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 16:20:37 GMT -5
I have some friends who had their "spouses" off on vacations and there was other stuff going on.
And I know people that call their wife from work right before they head out to lunch with the coworker they're seeing on the side.
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Mar 1, 2013 16:25:55 GMT -5
I have some friends who had their "spouses" off on vacations and there was other stuff going on.
And I know people that call their wife from work right before they head out to lunch with the coworker they're seeing on the side. Well I tried but this comment still shows a lack of connecting the dots. I might as well join in, I know one couple that is so happily married, they do everything together, and everyone thinks they are the happiest couple and he's ACTUALLY GAY!!
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 16:26:01 GMT -5
Purty funny, two separate issues here, lets' try this one more time.
1. Going on vacations separately, in and of iteself it means nothing. I would still think once again that your preference would be to be with your loved one which was why I called it weird when others chose otherwise simply because they could.
2. There is a larger conversation which is seen in relationships that are fraying where your focus is more on yourself then the relationship. This is a very simple concept AND BTW in the larger picture someone who wants to go on vacations by themselves or with "friends" this COULD be a sign along with plenty of other signs that something could be wrong in the relationship. Once again people in and of itself it means NOTHING but in the scheme of the larger picture of things it could be an important detail. I have some friends who had their "spouses" off on vacations and there was other stuff going on.
I hope that puts it into perspective. The visceral reaction though from some of you makes me feel like you're feeling guilty about something, I'm available in PM if you want to unburden your soul. Oh please, you're making me want to unburden my lunch on you. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) That's the only visercal reaction I'm having here. The rest of my reaction is comical. It amuses me when people don't personally want to do something so they come up with all kinds of reasons why it's wrong, wrong, wrong. You could have just left this post at "Going on vacations separately, in and of itself means nothing". The rest was just more words for you to explain why it's weird because you don't want to do it. Let's examine why you don't want to leave your spouse alone for a moment. Do you have trust issues?
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Mar 1, 2013 16:29:34 GMT -5
Purty funny, two separate issues here, lets' try this one more time.
1. Going on vacations separately, in and of iteself it means nothing. I would still think once again that your preference would be to be with your loved one which was why I called it weird when others chose otherwise simply because they could.
2. There is a larger conversation which is seen in relationships that are fraying where your focus is more on yourself then the relationship. This is a very simple concept AND BTW in the larger picture someone who wants to go on vacations by themselves or with "friends" this COULD be a sign along with plenty of other signs that something could be wrong in the relationship. Once again people in and of itself it means NOTHING but in the scheme of the larger picture of things it could be an important detail. I have some friends who had their "spouses" off on vacations and there was other stuff going on.
I hope that puts it into perspective. The visceral reaction though from some of you makes me feel like you're feeling guilty about something, I'm available in PM if you want to unburden your soul. Oh please, you're making me want to unburden my lunch on you. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) That's the only visercal reaction I'm having here. The rest of my reaction is comical. It amuses me when people don't personally want to do something so they come up with all kinds of reasons why it's wrong, wrong, wrong. You could have just left this post at "Going on vacations separately, in and of itself means nothing". The rest was just more words for you to explain why it's weird because you don't want to do it. Let's examine why you don't want to leave your spouse alone for a moment. Do you have trust issues? The irony was I stated what I stated and it was quite evident what I meant but everyone else jumped on it as something else. That was much more interesting because such a reaction is connecting to an emotional core for people. The question is why would it bother you and how did you get to the conclusion you did? You could be dismissive all day but the reaction is the reality.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Mar 1, 2013 16:39:59 GMT -5
Okay, then explain what you meant by saying it was selfish? That one's relationship was headed down "rocky shoals"? That it was weird? That it meant a relationship had issues?
I've only been on I think one vacation of a week away from my sweetie. I went to visit a few old friends in FL. And he went on one for a week without me - he went hunting with a bunch of guys and I would have rather cut off my own arm than do that. So, I'm not reacting from a place where I think any of that is a problem or concern. I was happy to see him we I got back from my trip, and when he got back from his trip, that's probably the only improtant part. I'm thinking abut taking a pretty substantial vacation with my bestie next year, and I don't worry that it will be damaging to my relationship.
If you didn't mean things the way you originally said them, then say that, but don't try to turn it around on me (or anyone else who responded to you) that you were misinterpreted.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Mar 1, 2013 16:44:26 GMT -5
Evident to whom?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2013 16:52:37 GMT -5
DH doesn't care how many vacations I go on alone as long as he gets laid 3x a week. I'm pretty sure he said that was the magic number. Or maybe it was every other day.
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