How Much Monetary Help for Your Family?

[soon2bmomof3]

I think both sets of parents are pretty set financially, BUT if they ever needed help, we would. We are both the oldest of 5 children (DH has a brother and I have a sister and brother) and are more established financially than our siblings.

[stats45]

I told all of my younger brothers and sisters that I would help them with college expenses as long as their grades are high. My parents didn't help me as an undergrad, and it was so difficult to work a full-time job and attend school full-time in a challenging major.

I pay my younger sister's tuition and fees left over after her scholarships, and I've told her that I would help provide more help if she cannot pay her bills working part time. She makes great money waiting tables and is so responsible. She won't accept anything else, even though I always try and pick up the tab whenever we are out or buy whatever she needs if we are at a store together. My younger brother will be attending college in a little over a year, and I'll do the same for him.

I'm just so proud of them. I can't believe how well they have done with everything in their lives, and they are so kind and grateful for what they have now, that they won't accept much more. They make everything bad about growing up worth it for me.

[debtheaven]

I have to admit that me, my DH and my ex were / are very blessed. To be honest, until I got on the MSN boards, I truly never realized that there are parents don't help their children, and who they need their children's help instead. I'm sure I sound completely naive and stupid saying that, but it's true.

The good part about being raised like that is, the bar is higher. You realize that it is expected that you reproduce that schema for the next generation. When all three of us were in a position to help our parents or pay back student loans, our parents (three different sets of parents) all said, no, don't pay us back, pay it forward, do the same for your own kids.

ETA: Stats, kudos to both you and your sister.

[justwhoever]

Neither my parents nor my in laws would EVER ask for money.

My sister has asked before...years ago I would help out a little here and little there. Knowing I would never get it back. Back then it was oh well she's my sister. Now I know that she uses drugs and drinks so I always tell her I don't have it sorry. She has not asked for money for about 2 years now. And it's been about a year since I helped her out with food. If you have money for your beer and pills then you have money for food.

My brothers..one of them is about as useless as useless gets. I helped him out by giving him a place to live and fed him. When I needed help while he was here....he ran. Moved right out. I'd probably point and laugh if I seen him on the side of the road. The other brother. I have and continue to help him out. When he lived here he paid rent. Helped with cleaning and watching the kids. He has moved out but I still watch his kids a couple times a week while he is at school. And I feed them most nights too. But I know for a fact that if I said Help. He would be the first one in line.

Dh's sister is very well to do(rich) and would never ask us for help.

There are no other family members for either of us that we talk to enough to ever worry about that.

Friends. That's a whole other thread. lol

[cronewitch]

I would help those that help themselves and are doing the best they can. For example if a girl gets married buys a house and has a baby I would buy lots of gifts for the baby before it is born like major furniture and gifts for the house and wedding gifts to help her get set up. If another girl gets married and has a baby without making a plan to support it, living with inlaws not even paying rent I would give much less generous gifts for the baby.

I would help my mom any way she wanted. She made good choices mostly, stayed married to dad 47 years until he died. She saved her money for retirement and has a couple hundred thousand and can live on her pensions and proceeds from the sale of her house. She is worried because her bank isn't paying much interest on CDs so if she needs a nursing home she might run out of money. I told her to go ahead and spend as much of her money as she wants even if she runs out of money she will have some income and if she goes to a nursing home her income will pay some of the cost. If her choice was a Medicaid paid home or a private pay I would pay the difference to get her a nicer home.

I would help a young adult get a start if they are doing the best they can like working and going to school or even just working and paying rent. The help stops when they live like they are making adult wages. Until then I like to give them food and clothing and household things not money so it isn't a habit and I can stop but don't want them cold or hungry while they establish life. I also like to hand cash to young people because they really appreciate it more than I do. I gave a 14 year old $60 at Thanksgiving because he is saving for a car, he is a bus boy so that is a lot of money to him. I will probably keep giving him random amounts of $20 bills for the next couple of years because after he saves for his car he will be saving for college. He is a good boy, works, goes to high school, on the swim team and taking advanced math classes and will start college while in high school. He won't get any grants for college because his parents make a lot of money, it sounds like he hasn't been promised they will pay for college. A stack of $20s over the next few years a few at a time will help him meet his goals without taking away his pride. When his mom was young I gave her $40 pretty often.

[Deleted]

I have an elderly aunt (98 now) that I help occasionally. I pick and choose. She has been in foreclosure for maybe the past 4 or 5 years; she used to own lots of property (through leveraged real estate). She asked me for $2000 once to pay the property taxes on these properties (all foreclosed upon). I said I didn't have the $$$. I did, but not to pay something for the bank's or even her daughter's advantage. (Her daughter will get anything left, which is fine.)

That said, I always pay for her groceries when she sends me out with a list. I have paid the phone bill. I have helped pay for my sister to visit her. That sort of thing strikes me as "help." I am happy to help in those ways, just not to save property that she lost, will lose, or has nothing to do with me if she doesn't.

[Deleted]

Oh, and I have helped my son in small ways. I asked why their car wasn't being fixed. They couldn't pay their AAA fees until next month to have it towed. I paid the fees, they had it towed, and it turned out to be under warranty (which it wouldn't have been if they had waited). They would NEVER ask, but I try to listen. I gave THEM the $30 that Boy Scouts' popcorn would have cost to spend on Boy Scouts stuff like uniforms, etc.

[cronewitch]

My parents did pretty much but not at the same time. My older brother needed a lot more help he had a bunch of kids and never had money. He was in the Air Force and my parents spent a lot I think on him at first to fly him home if he had a leave but they never did for the rest of us since we didn't need it. They visited him in Germany when he and his wife and 5 kids lived there, he didn't have a car that would hold a family so my parents bought a used VW wagon for them. You can get them cheap on the Air Force base since the people don't want to ship them home.

Years later I got divorced from the SIL they hated and dad gave me $1,500 for furniture and the same day gave my other brother 1,500 for no reason at all. He said that was because of the VW for our brother.

Dad and mom went to visit the same brother when he had a wife and 7 kids and no vehicle that could hold a family. They bought him a new 9 passenger van while they were visiting. A year or so later dad cashed an annuity and split the proceeds between my other brother and I nothing for the one who got the van.

Now dad is gone and mom lives with the good brother. We went shopping yesterday and she bought me lunch, she bought my brother's dogs treats and my brother some mixed nuts. She doesn't bother to try to keep that sort of thing even. She decided she doesn't need to keep the Christmas checks even for grandchildren. One never writes or calls so she stopped mailing him gifts the ones she seldom hears from got smaller amounts than the locals she sees all the time. I want her to spend more on my good brother than my other brother and I since when she dies any leftover money will be split equally. My good brother is taking great care of her and deserves whatever she wants to spend on him and his wife and children and grandchildren. The other brother and his kids and grand kids never do anything for mom.

[restless]

I help my mom and sisters out back home.

Mom was a single mom and us sisters are pretty close.

One of them is a professional already and very responsible financially ( She also helps out)

My youngest has not graduated college but is divorced and has 2 kids - we help with the kids and she's going back to school.

At the end of the day - We are all we have when it comes to family and no one takes advantage of anyone.

[sbcalimom]

I have given my sister smaller amounts as loans when needed. I told her that the first time she didn't pay me back was the last time I loaned her $ and she has always paid me back early or right on time so I'm happy to continue helping her out. I have only given her what I can afford not to get back in case but I wanted to be clear with her from the get go what the parameters were. I'll also send her presents/gift cards/cash occasionally if I have extra and want to help her out. The main thing with her is I know she would never take advantage of me.

My mother, I have refused to help out anymore. She has made terrible decisions her entire life and is now suffering the consequences. She wasted all the child support my father paid and several large settlements from various things over the years. She has now been laid off for 4+ years and can't get a job. I know it is tough to get a job over 50 and she lives in pretty crappy area for jobs, but there has to be something she can get hired for, even if it is just minimum wage. her latest scheme is to try to get on disability for her neck/back. She does have pain and a lot of issues but I'm not sure that it qualifies for disability so we'll see how that goes. I gave her tons of money when I was in college, put myself in debt to help her many times, and never, ever got any money back that she would swear up and down she was going to pay back. The last straw was when she asked me to give her money (after squandering her most recent settlement) when I was pregnant with our first child. I decided then and there I was going to put my family first and stop enabling her. She has found other people to enable her and mostly doesn't harass me anymore.

With DH's family, they are all well off and have planned very well for their retirements so it is unlikely they would need any help. If so, we would do what we could but given our monetary situation we probably wouldn't be able to do much.

[TheOtherMe]

Since I retired, I don't have a lot of excess cash, so I can't help my family financially.

My parents didn't believe that my sister or I would go to college, but we both did and paid our own ways. I helped my nephew by giving him miles when he got a summer job in Washington DC and had to report in 2 days. That would have cost him about $2K on that short of notice.

I am helping my niece now by babysitting her kids one day per week for free. I told her that I can give her time, but I can't give her money.

[lurkyloo]

My parents are classic millionaire next door types; I would be very surprised if they ever were in a situation where they needed cash. If either one did, however, of course we'd give it to them (assuming they'd accept it, which isn't a given). How much would depend on how much they needed and how much we could reasonably afford.

My in-laws are doing mostly okay for the moment, I think. I'd guess that if one of them outlives the other the survivor may find the belt too tight for comfort; we are braced to provide whatever support is appropriate, whether it be a monthly deposit, replenishing the emergency fund as necessary, hiring live-in help, or moving one or both of them in with us. We purposefully bought a single-level ranch with an in-law suite in case his parents or my father wind up living with us part- or full-time, down the road. (My mother, on the other hand...that would just be a Bad Idea to move her in. One of my brothers can take her; she thinks they're the important ones anyway )

I don't get along with my brothers, but neither one is the type to have financial difficulties anyway--or accept help, if it comes to that.

SIL started over sort of later in life and doesn't have as much financial security as the others on the list. That said, she's a hard worker and a smart, charming person and we'd happily give her a hand up if she needed it.

[Urban Chicago]

Currently, my parents and InLaws are okay, but we can see that they may need some help down the road. I've just been trying to plant the idea that while they may be able to stay with us, cash assistance is probably not going to be possible.

[Gardening Grandma]

So, I was wondering how much monetary/financial support you give to your

brothers, sisters, No brothers. Sister has made a career of marrying well.

parents, Helped mother some, but mostly stayed with her while sis (who she lived with) could take a vacation. (Mother has Alzheimer's)

cousins, grandparents, aunt/uncles, etc. An occasional gift to a favorite aunt who was very good to me when I was a child


Have you done so for a period of time or continually? Only occasionally

Where would you draw the line? I'd draw the line at the risk of them becoming financially dependent on my help

Or, do you think there is no financial obligation? Family is family after all.

Not listed in the question, but I've helped my children from time to time. And I will definitely help my grandchildren as long as they are working hard in school.

[telephus44]

My parents are also the "millionaire next door" types. I would find it very difficult to believe that they would ever need money.

My inlaws seem to be ok, but I know that my MIL retired last year, and although she is very conscious of being "fixed income" that she also has this "I worked shift work and overtime and nights for 45 years so now I deserve to live a bit" kind of attitude. They get enough in pensions and retirement income that they can make it, and their house is paid off, but I can picture that possible in the future they may need financial help, especially if medical bills start to escalate. They both have health issues, and he has a GM pension - which isn't giving them the medical coverage that they had planned on. Right now my MIL provides us with free daycare, so I would certainly be willing to extend some financial help. Also, of her 3 sons, DH is about the only one who is both good with money AND has some.

I wouldn't help my sister. I don't think we have the same financial obligations towards siblings, plus she's married and already receives some financial support from her in-laws. They can deal with it.

[shanendoah]

My MIL lived with us for 16 months, and trust me, I would have paid (and planned to pay) good money to move her out sooner, but DH lost his job and we couldn't afford the cash. We also helped her out by moving balances from her high interest rate (20+%) credit cards to our low interest rate (6%) cards. At the same time, we took over managing her money, so we knew we'd get paid back. We still manage her money.

My parents are both fairly well set, so I don't think we'll need to help them, though we would.

We have loaned my DBro money. He hadn't been working full time for months and living with Mom (not a free ride, trust me on that, boy did massive amounts of manual labor), when a position in his field opened up (he's a military contractor and his previous base had closed) in SoCal. He got the job but needed to move quickly and didn't have the money for first/last/deposit. I know it killed him to ask me for the money, and I know I made it worse by saying I couldn't give a definitive answer until I'd talked to DH. Of course, DH's response was essentially that we made it where we are because people helped us out. If we have the money to help him out, we do it. So, we loaned him the money. And he paid it all back. (My mom also "guaranteed" the loan, but that wasn't a factor in the decision.)

And just this year, we helped my cousin with tuition. She's a great kid who got into a really good school, but one that only gives need based aid (no one without "merit" even gets accepted). When her step-sister decided not to attend college, the school decided that her family contribution could go up by 4k, which her parents did not have, could not come up with on short notice. So, DH and I and my mom decided to split the amount between us.
Since my mom would have had to use a credit card to pay even half of it in fall, we dipped in to savings and paid the 2k in fall, giving my mom enough time to save 2k for spring semester. My cousin was very upset by the whole thing and swears up and down she'll pay us back. DH and I have told her that as long as she keeps her grades up and graduates, she doesn't owe us anything. However, if she drops out, we'll be expecting monthly payments.
My aunt and her husband should be able to have the full family contribution this coming year, but if they don't, DH and I have already reached the agreement that we would be willing to pay 2k every year for cousin's education.

[sil]

We've been fortunate thus far that family hasnt asked for much. We've given (never loaned) amounts of $100 or less to siblings. I've given my parents airplane tickets to visit us (but that was less about affordability and more about me forcing them to travel, which they now enjoy)

I do foresee that this will be an issue for us in the future with DH's siblings, aunts, possibly his mom. Of these, the ones who are less likely to need our help are the ones Im more inclined to support. I imagine this is the norm for many families.

There are quite a few threads going on about supporting extended family, and Im reading them with interest because I think it's a glance at my future. Still, I'm looking for that one post that will answer the question, "how do you stop a trainwreck?"

[sheilaincali]

My parents are very well off financially. Their house in paid for, the own 3 business, and have millions in the bank. They feel guilty if I pick up the tab at a dinner out. My FIL is very frugal (like squeeze a penny until it screams frugal). I don't see either set of parents ever asking us for financial help.

I wouldn't loan my siblings a dime. My sister makes more than I do and is very stable. My BIL lives off of the checks my parents give him and his wife's inheritance. My younger brother is a complete mooch and doesn't deserve a dime of my hard earned money.

[Clifford]

We have an advantage (I think) in living several hundred miles from the rest of the family. We are known to be stable (relatively), so twice I have been asked by cousins for loans. Each time we agreed to an amount to address a specific bill. We set a generous due date for repayment - no interest - and it was understood that if they missed the date, there would not be a second time. One cousin made it, and can ask again. The other did not.

[Anne_in_VA]

My parents and step-father have all passed on so there isn't a need there. Both of my sisters have made very poor decisions and have very little money. One sister borrowed from my mom and grandma many times and never paid it back. I don't know about my other sister, but she's always been very spendy and I doubt she has much at all. My brother is very frugal and I suspect that he's well set financially.

I don't have a lot and can't offer much help to my family in any case.

DH's mom occasionally needs help and we always find a way to help her. She raised seven kids on very little income, but always managed. She's asked for a loan a time or two, but I'd rather just gift it to her. We always send her gift cards to her favorite store as she likes to do crafts but doesn't have the income to support them. Her other children give to her from time to time too.

My son never asks for anything and he's earned more than me from the time he graduated from college. DH's son never asks for anything either and would be embarrassed to ask. This past summer he and his wife had some unexpected expenses and we gifted them about $2K. DDIL wanted to pay it back a few weeks ago but I told her it was a gift and I wouldn't accept it. DH's daughter has made very poor choices in life and needs constant "loans" but rarely pays them back. DH and I had a "come to Jesus" talk about it recently and I think that gravy train is about to stop. The end came when she was moving (for the 4th time in less than 2 years) and didn't have the money for the apt. deposit and rent, nor for a moving truck. Her mom gave her the money for the deposit and rent, and we lent her the money for the truck. I also gave her an extra $40 for gas for the truck, but I found out she spent it on fast food for her and her two kids and hasn't offered to pay it back.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My parents have never asked us for money and his are very well off. I suppose I pay my parents $400 a month to rent my grandmother's house if you want to count that as help.

My brother comes constantly asking for money and for awhile I was giving it to him because it ruffled less feathers. I stopped when it dawned on me that no human being who has no job is spending $20 in gas A DAY.

DH kept giving him money because he felt bad but after dumbo bragged about his brand new bong DH is finally on board with cutting him off.

[quack]

BIL/SIL got a substantial loan needed for business supplies/equipment; stopped calling us when it was due & we later found out they were so stressed from running a seasonal business they had to go on a mexican cruise (ignoring an upcoming balloon payment). Guess who started calling again when the balloon payment was due? Needless to say, that's the end - they have no concept that the reason we could loan them some money was because we don't do cruises......my sisters are given/loaned random amounts if they ever ask (usually bail money!), always paid back, will continue to give if necessary (probably not, everyone has pretty much grown up)

[Clever Username]

My family seems to be doing OK. Paid of the house maybe when I was in highschool. Dad retired a bit early. I wish he'd get a job because he seems bored.

My Mother-Out-Law, I could write a book. She's the other side of the same $0 contribution. She's squandered everything that's been given to her (and there has been a lot).
A quick summary would be: unresolved grief, gambling problem, social security fraud and emotional abuse. The only thing she can do on a consistant basis is drive people out of her live (ourselves included).

[Deleted]

My mom is barely scraping by. Her small business has really taken a hit. She's an immigrant with a second grade education so everything she's accomplished so far is pretty amazing. She and her husband lost their home to foreclosure. DH and I gave them money for a downpayment/deposit on a rental. We purchased a retractable awning for her shop. We also buy her plane tickets fairly often. She swears she'd rather die or live in a temple rather than accept money from us when she's old, which is totally silly.

The good part about being raised like that is, the bar is higher. You realize that it is expected that you reproduce that schema for the next generation. When all three of us were in a position to help our parents or pay back student loans, our parents (three different sets of parents) all said, no, don't pay us back, pay it forward, do the same for your own kids.

Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=post&thread=3045&page=1#ixzz1DP5ox79O

DH's family is like this. They are all doing very well. We hope to do the same for DS and our grandchildren, if we have them some day.

[debtheaven]

Anne that is why to us paying for college is a no-brainer. (But we don't have to pay US prices; I'm not sure we could.)

[Deleted]

Anne that is why to us paying for college is a no-brainer.

Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=display&thread=3045#ixzz1DPEEYY1h

I might feel differently if neither DH or I had received help but the support he and his sister got from their family had made a huge difference in their educational attainment. It's only fair to pass that on since we can afford to.

I on the other hand took out a whole ton of student loans . . .

[Waffle]

I've helped family many times throughout the years. I never thought of it as an obligation. I was just grateful that I was in a position that I could help.

I gave my grandmother a little money every month for several years before she died. I've loaned/given help to other relatives in years past.

Currently the only family member I'm helping is my mother. Nothing regular, just things as they come up.

I guess it doesn't seem like an obligation, because no one demanded the help, in the case of one relative, he didn't even ask - I just knew the situation and took it upon myself to help. These are people that I love dearly, I'm not sure where I would draw the line.

[tcu2003]

I've helped a cousin (before getting married), and won't do it again. It was for an "emergency," and she's never tried to pay me back at all (but will occasionally throw out the "I know I still owe you money and I will pay you back someday, even if it's $5 at a time), but she still has money to eat out, go shopping, etc. I chalk that up to a lesson learned.

We loaned my sister and her husband money earlier this year. BIL was laid off for a couple of months, and they got hit with a massive car repair bill. They're making payments - I'd be okay giving her the money, but they wanted a loan, and I'm okay with that.

Neither of DH's siblings have asked for money - they don't make much money, but I'm not sure I see them ever asking. We do try to get gifts to help out with the kids, though. One sibling just had a baby, and they had mentioned that the carseat was going to be a struggle for them, so their baby gift was a carseat.

DH's parents **probably** won't need help, though we've never asked. If they do, we're the only ones in a position to help. FIL retired from the post office and has a pension, and MIL still works at a job she enjoys. They take the occasional vacation, help out DH's siblings (one in particular), and don't seem to have any money problems.

We will probably end up helping my parents at some point. My dad is retired (gets SS and a small pension, though he was on disability a good ten or fifteen years before reaching retirement age due to epilepsy problems), and mom still works. Mom has another 6 or 7 years before she's eligible to retire, and probably can't before then as they need the insurance. Mom will not get a pension, and won't get very much from SS as she worked part time for years when my sister and I were kids, though she has been working fulltime since my dad went on disability. Mom does have a 401k account, but I don't think the balance is that large, though I do know she contributes enough to get her company's match. Their house is paid for, but not worth very much, but they do live in a small town with a low cost of living, which helps. Most likely they'll be okay until one passes away - then their income will be significantly cut, and we'll have to figure something out. That probably means the surviving parent moving in with sister or me, or at least moving to the same city as one of us. At this point, it'd be with sister, and DH and I would help out financially, but that could change down the road.

[spartan7886]

I haven't had to help anyone in my family - both my parents and DH's parents are millionaire next door types. I did give my parents my Kroger card so they could get the 10c discount once. DB is still in college, so he's pretty much Mom and Dad's responsibility still. He's always been pretty tight with money, so I don't foresee him having too many problems. If any of them needed our help, they would get it. I have more distant family that could probably use the assistance, but are too proud to ask for it, so they make do.

[Agatha]

Mom will not get a pension, and won't get very much from SS as she worked part time for years when my sister and I were kids, though she has been working fulltime since my dad went on disability. Mom does have a 401k account, but I don't think the balance is that large, though I do know she contributes enough to get her company's match.

Someone chime in if I'm mistaken but your mother's SS will be based on her highest paid quarters, not when you and your sister were kids. Unless they've changed it, if your father dies before your mother and his SS is higher than hers, she will get the higher amount.

I think I've got all that right but check out the rules at the SS Administration.