so, speaking of gifts....

[whoisjohngalt]

My 4 yr old hasn't mastered the graciousness of appreciating a gift he doesn't like. I head his say things like "oh, I don't want it, I already have this". He also is way too comfortable in calling his grandparents and telling them what he wants. He actually told me he "ordered" (his exact word) a green laptop

Needless to say, I already told him that we don't demand gifts and the VERY first thing you say when someone gives you something is "thank you".

That being said, how do you explain to a kid (who I am trying to teach to be honest) on what he should/should not say if he doesn't like the gift?

Also, while I know it's beyond tacky to tell someone you didn't like their gift - should close family members like DH/DW child/parent be exception??

[Sam_2.0]

You should always say thank you for the gift. Being honest and being tacky are two very different things. Just because you don't like something does not mean you have to say that. You also don't have to gush about an item to try and pretend that you like it.

I would say the correct response should always be to thank the family member, and then once you get home what you do with the gift is your choice. But no negative comments while you are still at the event or within earshot of the giver.

[kittypuppymom]

No. There are no exceptions. You teach them to be appreciative no matter what it is. Even if its the same thing that he already has. You can always take it back yourself and get store credit. You explain that it would hurt the givers feelings that he did not like the gift they gave.

[Deleted]

Can you practice? Put some of his existing toys in gift bags and play pretend Christmas?

[thyme4change]

He also is way too comfortable in calling his grandparents and telling them what he wants.

I don't know how to help you with your question, but this past summer our phone rang and the call waiting said it was my son's friend. My son wasn't home, so I didn't bother to answer it, and he didn't leave a message. I didn't think anything of it. A week later at the friend's birthday party, his mom said "Did he call you?" I told her that I saw a missed call on caller ID, but he didn't leave a message. I guess he called all the parents of the kids that were coming to the party and told them what he wanted. I don't know how that kid walks around with balls that big. He is either going to go to prison, or be the greatest business man of his time.

[Chocolate Lover]

I think my youngest may have learned WHY I tell him to say thank you for all gifts even if he doesn't find it exciting. At the school gift exchange this week, the kid that got the gift he brought in (hot wheels) didn't seem to like it. So he got his feelings hurt. Now he knows what that feels like and maybe it'll stick.

My oldest once opened a gift of socks from my mom (he'd already opened some good ones) and slung it across the room saying "I don't like socks!". In his defense, he was 3 at the time.

[sheilaincali]

We would remind DS on the way to the party or before his birthday, etc. that people couldn't possibly know exactly what Lego sets he had or video games he liked etc. We told him to just say thank you and that after the party (if he was gracious about receiving the duplicate gift) we would stop by the store and exchange it for what he did want.
I warned him that if he ever made someone feel bad or was rude about a gift he received that I would inform everyone to not give him anything in the future. Some times we'd encourage him to donate what he didn't want to Goodwill so someone not as fortunate as him could have a nice present.

My niece (7 at the time) opened up an American Girl Doll outfit from me at her birthday party. She promptly announced in front of the entire room "I already have this one. You can take it to the store and exchange it for a different one" I told her "No thanks, I'd just give it to someone else that would appreciate it". She was quite pissed that I wouldn't rush out than and exchange it for her. She has never mentioned getting a duplicate gift again.
For the record I did re-gift the outfit she handed me back to another niece (that wasn't at the party) and she loved it.

[thyme4change]

My daughter got a dup of some American Girl outfit and she said "This is great - now when my friends come over, we can have our dolls dress alike."

[sheilaincali]

Nope Not my niece. I blame her paternal Grandma. She has always made a huge deal about making sure DNiece got a nice present at her Brother's Birthday party as well every year. She encouraged DNiece to ride DNephew's new birthday present bike before he had a chance too ride it. The list goes on. When she was 2 weeks old she had to have surgery to have a shunt put in to drain excess fluid from her brain. She is perfectly fine but they all coddled her for so long that she turned into a total brat. She's getting better but she is 8 now and will still throw an "on the floor, kicking and screaming" temper tantrum if she doesn't get her way.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I was always told if I did not appreciate what I got, I would not get anything. I never found out if my parents would call that bluff. It's not so much about having to actually like the gift but being polite. The person did take the time to get you a gift, they didn't have to get you one at all.

I've had plenty of practice because my great uncle every year since as long as I can remember has given me black women's sized driving gloves. I don't wear gloves when I drive and they are always too big. If I kept every pair that I've recieved I'd be buried in them.

However I always thank him for the gift on Christmas eve. Then donate them as soon as the SA is open.

I stopped giving gifts several years ago to kids in DH's family because they didn't even thank me, it wasn't big/expensive/flashy enough for them.

I didn't expect them to be over the moon or scream with excitment but I do expect a polite thank you.

DH talked me into giving presents this year because peopel bought stuff for Gwen. So we'll see. I'm 100% done if what I get them gets tossed aside and sneered at for a second time.

[whoisjohngalt]

See, I ALWAYS say thank you. Even if you gave me an empty soda can from the garbage - it's just engraved in me. But on the flip side, I am not the sensitive type so if I gave you something and you don't like it - I would be more than OK with you telling me "Lena, where did you get this junk"?

So, I have to keep reminding myself and 1) world is not made of me and 2) manners are manners and brutal honesty is only for someone you know wants it

[reader79]

Dec 21, 2012 10:32:53 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

That being said, how do you explain to a kid (who I am trying to teach to be honest) on what he should/should not say if he doesn't like the gift?

Also, while I know it's beyond tacky to tell someone you didn't like their gift - should close family members like DH/DW child/parent be exception??

I hope my nieces learn from someone other than their father. My BIL had my sister give back some clothes I had purchased for him, because he 'didn't like shirts with designs on them.' And then he expected me to return them and present him with a gift card. Nope. Last gift I ever bought him.

The older niece though (5,) she is starting to realize that if she hints at something enough, or outright asks politely, that my mother or myself will eventually get it. She was showing me in her bedroom the other day where she had just enough room for a play kitchen. But not a plastic one like her best friend has, lol. I caved and bought a Circo one from Target last week. She's not getting it for Christmas though, I don't celebrate the holiday and will not give out presents on that day. Maybe in January.

[bean29]

I spent years telling my kids that no gift was expected for Christmas or Birthday and they were to thank the giver for every gift. I guess the message got through to DS (19) when I was going through who gave what for his graduation gift he yelled at me when I told him I did not think the gifts from his GodParent's were large enough. He said you always say no gift is expected and all should be appreciated.

My Grandma was a very Gracious Gift Recipient. She always made such a big deal about every gift that the giver felt really good about it. We had a boarder for awhile that acted just like my Grandma when she received a gift. I have very warm feelings about her. I am a total faiure at pulling this off. I should probably practice opening presents too LOL.

My kids know that I would much rather return something that have it hang unused with the tags on it in their closet. My family is pretty good about giving gift receipts, so you don't have to let the family know if you don't like something, you can just quietly exchange it.

[movingforward]

Dec 21, 2012 10:40:56 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

He also is way too comfortable in calling his grandparents and telling them what he wants.

I don't know how to help you with your question, but this past summer our phone rang and the call waiting said it was my son's friend. My son wasn't home, so I didn't bother to answer it, and he didn't leave a message. I didn't think anything of it. A week later at the friend's birthday party, his mom said "Did he call you?" I told her that I saw a missed call on caller ID, but he didn't leave a message. I guess he called all the parents of the kids that were coming to the party and told them what he wanted. I don't know how that kid walks around with balls that big. He is either going to go to prison, or be the greatest business man of his time.

Were the parents embarrassed by this or did they actually encourage this behavior?

[Tiny]

I've seen a friend 'coach' his very young kids before events/things happen. So, before leaving he'll go over the rules: "remember, no yelling, no screaming, you're gonna work on not fighting with Little Sally, right?" and then "When little Sally pulls away the toys - what are you going to do?" and if the boys don't answer he kinda prompts them with what is socially correct behavior for when a 3 1/2 year old pulls the toys away or 'spoils the fun'. And then he asks them if they remember WHY this behavior is the right thing to do...

The 5 year old didn't really need much help - the questions were mostly "Yes/No" for him.. his little brother needed some reminding and help.

I suspect you can do something similiar with your kid. When it's conveninet Talk about/tell the kid why it's important to say "Thank You" and to not say why you don't like something (hurt feelings? being nice?). Then before you get somewhere - go over the rules/remind the kid to say thank you when so-so gives him a present. Maybe coach the kid about what he can say about the gift that's not an outright lie if he doesn't like the gift. and so on.

When I caught my friend doing the coaching thing, I was like "Holy Shit - I had crappy parents - all I ever got was yelled at for my 'bad behavior' it was like I was suppose to magically know what to say and do... no one ever gave me a clue as to what was expected. I was also the only little kid - so it wasn't like I could watch and see what other little kids did... I soooo want a childhood do over.

[cronewitch]

My great nephew was a ungrateful toddler so the next year his mom had him practice. What do you say if someone gives you underwear? Thank you for the underwear. So he was ready to accept gifts and thank the people who took the time to get him something, even if not thrilling. I gave him a shoe box filled with hot wheels and he didn't thank me. He turned to his mother and said " look hot wheels" he was way to excited to remember to say thank you.

This year they were collecting toys were my ISO works so I bought 45 hot wheels to donate remembering what a hit they were.

The boy is 16 now I should get him some underwear and see if he remembers to say thank you. His mother has trained him to write thank you notes. I will actually give him a thousand dollar check for Christmas, I wonder if that will get me a thank you.

[Deleted]

That stuff is learned from parents. When kids see you thank the giver on their behalf every single time they will get it. If they don't, return the gift to the giver telling them how embarrassed you are, thank them for their thoughtfulness but obviously it isn't appreciated. And for God's sake watch what you say about gifts you get.

[Deleted]

Was so proud of son the year his GG gave him a multicolored pastel hat she had knitted, with the pink on the Pom Pom, and he just told her thank you and how nice it was she made it, it wasn't till she left the room that he whispered to me, yeah, I'm not wearing that...

But he was like 8? ... 4 is younger, but if you are old enough to 'order' your gifts, well...

I think practice is a good thing. We used things called T charts, or Looks lik, Sounds like when the kids were younger ( and with behavior mod for older kids when I taught) ie. What does a good audience look like? Sound like? ... Before an event...

[whoisjohngalt]

That stuff is learned from parents. When kids see you thank the giver on their behalf every single time they will get it. If they don't, return the gift to the giver telling them how embarrassed you are, thank them for their thoughtfulness but obviously it isn't appreciated. And for God's sake watch what you say about gifts you get.

That's what I always thought too, but evidently not.

And damn, how didn't "I" think of that??

[Deleted]

I sense a bit of sarcasm.

[oreo]

My DS is also 4 and he knows to say "Thank you" no matter what. We've also taught him to say something his Great Grandfather used to say which is "Its JUST what I needed" no matter what (OK, it sounds a little sarcastic but it reminds me of my grandfather). Food, on the other hand, he feels free to say it is "Yucky" if he doesn't like it even if someone made it. I'm still working on that one!

For birthday parties I make a habit of asking the host's parents what they would want. I don't want to get them something they just have to get rid of. If they ask me what DS wants, that is great! DS will get things he wants. If not, he'll get what he gets, but he'll still say "Thank you".

[giramomma]

Dec 21, 2012 11:43:03 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

So, I have to keep reminding myself and 1) world is not made of me and 2) manners are manners and brutal honesty is only for someone you know wants it

Yes, particularly for the brutal honesty part. "Brutal" honesty has the potential to hurt people. One can be honest without cutting another person down/hurting feelings/etc.

[whoisjohngalt]

I have to admit, I was really surprised by his behaviour. Both my DH and I say "thank you" all the time and so does my kid. So, when I heard "I don't want it, I already have it" - I was speechless there for a second

[Deleted]

If it was a new or one time thing he is just testing boundaries.

[Deleted]

"Nope Not my niece. I blame her paternal Grandma. She has always made a huge deal about making sure DNiece got a nice present at her Brother's Birthday party as well every year. She encouraged DNiece to ride DNephew's new birthday present bike before he had a chance too ride it. The list goes on. When she was 2 weeks old she had to have surgery to have a shunt put in to drain excess fluid from her brain. She is perfectly fine but they all coddled her for so long that she turned into a total brat. She's getting better but she is 8 now and will still throw an "on the floor, kicking and screaming" temper tantrum if she doesn't get her way."

It sucks that she had health issues but it is not ok to treat kids so differently.

[nittanycheme]

My nephews are really bad about saying thank you for presents (either verbal or written), but their mom doesn't do it either. My husband didn't have to do thank you's either when he was growing up. Their childhood wasn't all that great so those sort of things weren't really needed. Unlike me, where I was required to do thank you's - both verbal and written. My parent's all required it, and my grandmother's family (I got presents from my great-aunts and uncles) said they would cut people off who didn't do thank yous. I believed them - in that side of the family manners were VERY important. I'm not sure how to handle it - I'm not really offended since they don't really know any better, but I feel like I should try to teach them so it doesn't hurt them later in life. Unfortunately, we don't really have that type of relationship. Fortunately, with my DH it wasn't a big deal except for when we got married and I had to do all the thank you's!

[cronewitch]

Our family forgives children who don't know to send thank you notes but adults who aren't grateful for gifts stop getting them. It doesn't need to be a formal thank you note but a phone call or something to at least know it arrived.

Mom was giving each child and grandchild a check for Christmas for years, some of them she hasn't seen in 15 years and they cash the checks without contacting her at all. She stopped sending them and they haven't seemed to notice. Some are local and don't ever call or write or answer the phone when she calls. Saw one at her sister's wedding 2 years ago but she has adopted two kids where we weren't invited to the adoption party and she is adopting another we haven't met or told his name, I see her on Facebook but she doesn't communicate at all on a personal level to her dad or anyone in his family. Gifts have stopped. She is 42 and we have never been invited to her home or to meet her for a meal or anything. She used to come to Christmas Eve every other year at my house but I stopped doing that so haven't seen her since except at her sister's wedding and my 60th birthday.

[Nazgul Girl]

I think that the advice that Thumper had learned from his father in Bambi is the best thing to follow and train your children to follow, namely, " If ya can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all." That, along with a standard "thank you" when receiving something, even if it's a peanutbutter sandwich, are good ideals to try to get your kid to understand. Why should anyone keep giving a child gifts if he or she makes annoucements about it ? If grandma/grandpa or aunt/uncle hear from their little relative that their gifts are inadequate or disliked, it can be very hurtful. Some of my younger relatives have been rude to my husband and me in the past, even as adults, and that is one reason why we don't participate so much in gift-giving to their dear children to this good day. Their one son can be quite rude, too. He's only five so I can cut hime some slack when he throws his gift from us down instead of thanking us for it, but we are not too impressed by his behavior.

A gift is not tribute to a person. It is something given from the heart of the giver, and isn't always what the recipient ordered. Learning to be polite in social situations is necessary for all children. It's part of their skills that will help them succeed in all areas of their lives.