kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Dec 1, 2012 9:54:04 GMT -5
Had a long talk with the neighbor down the street - you know the one that knows everyone's business? Doesn't every neighborhood have one?
Anyway, we talked about EX and I found out that she had a lot of unresolved issues over the divorce. With DHs death she is having a hard time because of those unresolved issues.
As much as my world is shattered, I have the luxury of no regrets, outside of a life together cut too short.
So, to answer my own questions in an earlier thread - what kind do mother does this? A grieving one who cannot make peace. So, I ask that no one else respond to that thread.
Thank you all for being there.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Dec 1, 2012 10:13:34 GMT -5
I hadn't posted on your other thread, but when I've read what you wrote my first thought was actually about Sonny and Cher and how when he died, Cher was all broken up and sobbing at the funeral, etc. I know if I had been Sonny's widow I would have been really hurt/angry about all the media coverage Cher got as if she were the one who lost a husband instead of the actual widow. But, I think there is a lot of validity to the concept that if things are acrimonious or unresolved, the pain can be significantly worse.
I am thoroughly impressed with you and how you are conducting yourself during this time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2012 10:21:42 GMT -5
I didn't post on the other thread either, because I would probably be the same way if my ex died.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2012 10:26:53 GMT -5
In reality, what YOU do is what counts. What she does or doesn't do or why, you can't control. But, i would find ways to keep in touch with your step children.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 1, 2012 10:27:00 GMT -5
I hadn't posted on your other thread, but when I've read what you wrote my first thought was actually about Sonny and Cher and how when he died, Cher was all broken up and sobbing at the funeral, etc. I know if I had been Sonny's widow I would have been really hurt/angry about all the media coverage Cher got as if she were the one who lost a husband instead of the actual widow. But, I think there is a lot of validity to the concept that if things are acrimonious or unresolved, the pain can be significantly worse. I am thoroughly impressed with you and how you are conducting yourself during this time. I hope this new information will help with not being able to see the girls, although it still hurts.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Dec 1, 2012 10:32:59 GMT -5
I locked that other thread for you, kd. nobody else will be able to post over there. I can remove the thread too, if you like. just let me know.
-chiver mod
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Dec 1, 2012 10:40:25 GMT -5
Locking it is fine, thank you. She needs time. Hopefully in another month I can call her, but for now I need to let her be. Yes, it's hard but I'm trying to do the right thing even if it kills me This has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If I had words or hard feelings to regret on top of it I don't know what I would do. I'll take my shattered heart full of his love over regret any day.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 1, 2012 10:45:48 GMT -5
Why are we locking threads and then restarting them in new threads? I understand if you want the topic to die - but if you do, why restart the topic?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 1, 2012 10:46:27 GMT -5
Not everyone lets go at the same rate or even to the same degree. I probably still have unresolved issues with my XH but it is not the kind that would prompt her behavior or feelings. I am very glad I left.
When there is a divorce it isn't a clean loss like a death. There often is more loss to feel if they pass especially if they share children. And this is a situation where legal and convention collide. Legally and by convention you have the right to grieve as the wife. Legally she now has sole legal rights to the kids. While convention eventually birthed some grandparents rights legally I don't think that has happened yet for step-spouses except in instances of adoption.
I wish you luck. Try to hold in your heart what you want to happen and how you want to be treated. See the situation with love whenever possible. It should go easier the more you can do this.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Dec 1, 2012 11:00:38 GMT -5
Yes to change the tone. Because I was probably unfair. Posting is cathartic for me right now. I can tell you guys things that I don't think I can say IRL
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 1, 2012 11:39:50 GMT -5
----If I had words or hard feelings to regret on top of it I don't know what I would do. I'll take my shattered heart full of his love over regret any day. -------
I soooo agree with this. Not the same really, but when I leave the house angry at the kids, I feel so bad because of the "what ifs".
kd, where do you get the strength from? I really admire you for how you are handling everything. And feel free to talk to us, we're here for you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2012 11:48:42 GMT -5
kd, As part of the grieving process, you will go through these 180 degtree feelings from deep anger to sudden compassion and insight. This internet forum is a really wonderful tool for venting these feelings and getting some feedback from others. The important thing, which you already know, is to be careful about what you say to folks during this emotionally charged time. While the ex may not be that important to you in the long run, you certainly don't want to be like my mother and her brother. They never spoke after her father's funeral which was in 1962 (she died in 2008). For the longest time she didn't know why he wouldn't talk to her until some other relatives told her that she had accused her brother of killing their father (car accident where the wheel fell off while the brother was driving). She didn't remember saying it but as someone who heard her make some pretty mean statements to me and not remember them either, I believe it. You're a good person for always keeping the girls in mind.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Dec 1, 2012 13:46:53 GMT -5
----If I had words or hard feelings to regret on top of it I don't know what I would do. I'll take my shattered heart full of his love over regret any day. ------- I soooo agree with this. Not the same really, but when I leave the house angry at the kids, I feel so bad because of the "what ifs". kd, where do you get the strength from? I really admire you for how you are handling everything. And feel free to talk to us, we're here for you. I don't feel strong. I just put one foot in front of the other and trust that time will make the whole in my heart a little smaller and a little easier to bear.
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kdamron
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Post by kdamron on Dec 1, 2012 13:50:00 GMT -5
kd, As part of the grieving process, you will go through these 180 degtree feelings from deep anger to sudden compassion and insight. This internet forum is a really wonderful tool for venting these feelings and getting some feedback from others. The important thing, which you already know, is to be careful about what you say to folks during this emotionally charged time. While the ex may not be that important to you in the long run, you certainly don't want to be like my mother and her brother. They never spoke after her father's funeral which was in 1962 (she died in 2008). For the longest time she didn't know why he wouldn't talk to her until some other relatives told her that she had accused her brother of killing their father (car accident where the wheel fell off while the brother was driving). She didn't remember saying it but as someone who heard her make some pretty mean statements to me and not remember them either, I believe it. You're a good person for always keeping the girls in mind. I probably couldn't begin to tell you the awful things I said to our friends when I woke up and they told me about the accident. I know it was pretty bad and I slapped one of our best friends several times. The shock was so absolute...when dealing with someone in deep grief you have to understand that they are literally out of their mind.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2012 19:41:42 GMT -5
If my ex died, I would definitely be at the funeral. Our kids were grown before the divorce. But if I had to listen to a lot of stuff about how meaningful she was in their lives, I would be upset. I actually hear some of that now, and it makes me angry/want to cry. It's stuff like my daugher saying, "So-and-so ask about my "mother" today. I didn't know if they meant my grandmother, my stepmother, or you." I lived in that town for twenty-five years. I was married to her father for twenty-four years. Can I not be the default mother?
I am just giving you the "other" side. I know you are close to your step-children and helped raise them. It is a lot different. But moms do have feelings against step-moms that aren't rational, etc.
It is great that you are trying to deal with that. It probably isn't really directed towards you. (I like my ex's current wife.) A lot of it is situational and situations caused by the kids' inadvertent actions.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2012 1:39:13 GMT -5
Kdamron, i think you need to stop worrying so much about doing the right thing by everyone. You have lost someone that was huge part of your lufe and you deserve to grieve in your own terms without having to worry about everybody else. Worrying about the kids' feelings is understandable but the ex is on her own. You need to grieve and heal yourself first. As for going through and picking things of your DH, i think have the ex ONLY if you feel comfortable, not because it is the 'right thing to do'. You do not have to be perfect, extremely thoughtful, accomodating, etc.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 2, 2012 5:55:15 GMT -5
----I don't feel strong. I just put one foot in front of the other and trust that time will make the whole in my heart a little smaller and a little easier to bear. ---- But you are strong. I've found that when I really need to express myself, I keep a journal. I wright every feeling down, happy, sad, memories, etc. Then if I feel that I can tell express the words to someone, I will. If not, then I can keep those to myself. After my heart heals, even a little bit, I can re-read those words and realize how far I've come. You are a strong, caring, and loving person. It will take time, but you will get through this, but never over this.
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