Sick and tired of being the good one!!!

[kdamron]

I'm sure you all know DH died in a tragic accident two weeks ago early this morning. I have to deal with EX who is telling people I am keeping DH's ashes from her girls just to be mean, so yesterday I texted her about 9:00 and said have girls ashes when do you want to meet? 7 hours later she bothers to answer am I free for them to stop by tonight? Well I'm not, that b***h isn't going to come to my house when I'm alone and try to intimidate or just plain annoy me. I told her she could stop by our friends house where I was but she was suddenly about to go to a movie so could we do it tomorrow.

I know I have to deal with her and I know that for the girls I have to grit my teeth and smile and not shove those ashes down...well, anyway, I'm so sick of being the good one. I'm so sick of being nice when I want to spit and smiling while I'd like to jab a pencil in her buggy eye.

Damnit - there'd better be a special place in heaven for people like me and DH better be my cabana boy and have to give me a hundred year massage as penance for marrying that idiot bitch.

Rant over.

[zibazinski]

Are you giving her all the ashes? Moms was divided up 3 ways I put hers with my dads.

[MarleyKeezy78]

I am so sorry to hear you have to deal with her at a time of great loss. Maybe you could take a couple days to get away alone or with a close friend and only worry about you The ex sounds like she needs to lay off put on her big girl panties and deal with the girls emotions at the moment.

[Deleted]

Depending on what they do with the ashes, maybe you are giving DH one last window to fly up and choke her?

Until things calm down, I think you are right to make sure you always have friends with you as back-up. And I think you have definitely earned your cabana boy time in the hereafter.

Hang in there!

[Deleted]

I agree with sticking a pencil in her eye, especially since that thought brought a smile for you....

You have been told by many here that there is now nothing that has to be done immediately. Therefore, I would tell her: I simply can't deal with all this right now, so I will take the girls to lunch and talk with them privately about the ashes."

That takes Ms. Pencil Eyed out of the conversation, and you can deal with this at a later date that is satisfactory for you and for the girls. Don't forget, YOU are in charge, not her...so don't give one iota of a hint that she can dictate to you. I believe everytime you go out of your way to be nice to her, you are giving up more power....don't that that!!

[mollyanna58]

Why do you have to be the good one? So you can set a good example for the girls, and they will remember how well you behaved. So you can always look in the mirror and have no regrets about being petty or mean.

[Deleted]

In my opinion, i think you might want to consider burying the ashes in the cemetary. My dad was cremated. And, i did not want to see or view his ashes in anyway and neither did my mom. I have some sort of visceral reaction to that and keep in mind the daughters might as well. If you bury the ashes, it is over and done with, no more fighting and a final resting place. My dad's ashes were buried beside my brother's grave and same tombstone with his name added.
As for the EX, i don't think you should be dealing with her at all. And, certainly not over stuff like this. You can talk to the girls but you dont' need to talk to her only in a a very cursory, blunt but polite and short and sweet way. Don't allow her to draw you into some kind of drama.

[kdamron]

No, they don't get all the ashes, there are some for his mother, eldest daughter and me. She tried to get his office to let her come over and go through his paperwork and clean out some expensive stuff on behalf of her children and when they basically laughed at her, her next tactic was to tell them that she was only protecting the girls interests because I was refusing to give the girls their ashes - since they hadn't asked me for them I didn't know they were ready to have them...

[kdamron]

Nov 18, 2012 10:02:22 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Why do you have to be the good one? So you can set a good example for the girls, and they will remember how well you behaved. So you can always look in the mirror and have no regrets about being petty or mean.

Yes, so that is why I vent here, hug the girls tight when I get to see them and grit my teeth when I smile at her. I'm just so tired...

[mrsdutt]

KDAM: I'm so sorry to hear your life has been affected with the loss of your DH. I know how difficult it is to function. It was for this reason I told everyone I needed time to mourn and could not possibly make any decisions so early on. The ashes belong to you. People pounce on widows when they are the most vulnerable. Putting off any decisions for a while is what would be the healthiest decision for you. Please try to gather some inner strength and tell her you are not ready to make any decisions. I was quite clear that all of my husband's items (including his ashes) were my property and I would divide when I was ready. Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk or need direction. I would be happy to listen to anything you need to talk about. Take care.

[Formerly SK]

I don't know if you have to be the good one. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "I'm not dealing with any of this for X months." You aren't keeping stuff from them, you are slowing down the dispersal rate until things calm down. Are the DDs asking for the ashes, or is it the mom? I can't imagine the girls caring about wanting all this stuff so quickly.

JMO

[Deleted]

It's only been 2 weeks. Talk to the girls, spend time with the girls. Tell their Mom you're not dealing with anything but seeing the girls right now. When she tries to ask for something say "I'm not dealing with that right now". You need time, you don't want to make any decisions or give away anything right now that you might regret later. You don't have to explain that to her though. "I'm not dealing with that right now" is more than enough of a response. You can use it for the ashes, you've thought about it and you're not going to deal with it right now. You can talk to the girls about it if you think they really do want them.

It looks like the more you try to be accomodating, the more she's going to bug you and demand things. Some people mistake kindness for weakness. I'm sorry she's making things difficult for you.

[midjd]

Everyone has had wonderful advice, I don't have anything more to add (I do love the idea of you dealing directly with the girls - no need for her to be involved whatsoever).

Just know that for the rest of their lives, your girls will remember your strength - and their mother's histrionics.

Not even remotely the same situation, but after their divorce, my dad badmouthed my mom to anyone who would listen. He went years without making any attempt to contact us and would then tell people that my mom had "taken his family away" and brainwashed us to hate him. My mom never responded - to him, or to anyone who heard his rants - and as adults, my siblings and I all respect her immensely for that. We have very little respect for our dad. I suspect your girls will feel the same way.

[whoami]

I would not deal with the ex at all. Do you have an attorney? Have him send her a letter to back off. The girls will get what they are entitled to in due time without her constantly bothering you. She has absolutely no business showing up on your doorstep looking for whatever.

As others have said, none of this has to be dealt with today. I would think she already has access to whatever documents she needs to make sure the children receive whatever benefits they are entitled to.

I think you are tolerating her nonsense because you don't want to lose touch with the girls and you think by playing nice with their mother that will happen. I think she will likely try and cut you off from them if she can, just based on her behavior so far. Don't be a door mat to her in the hopes that she will do what is best for her kids...I don't see that happening. You will only make yourself crazy especially this soon. I think she will use the girls to get what she wants and then be vindictive. Get in touch with an attorney and find out what your rights are regarding the kids.

I am sorry for your loss.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry she's being so hateful and annoying and agree with the others that you don't have to do anything aside from being civil. In the event that she hits you up for money, absolutely DO NOT GIVE HER A DIME. If she does ask for money, she'll probably say she needs it for the kids. Not so! After DS2 died and I was appointed temporary guardian for his kids, I took my guardianship papers and the kids' birth certificates along with the death certificate to the social security office. It was on a Friday. Their first checks were in our mailbox the following Wednesday and it was a substantial amount, more than he'd have had to pay in child support if he'd been a non-custodial parent in a divorce. After about six months when the dust settled and his income for the year he died had been taken into consideration, their ss checks increased by hundreds of dollars. SHE DOES NOT NEED MONEY FOR THE KIDS. Any other money problems she has would be her problems, having nothing to do with his death.

I hope you can be strong enough to avoid allowing her to steamroll you into doing things you shouldn't and needn't do. I believe that she'll be using the kids as her excuse for anything she wants from you.

Sending you big hugs

[Deleted]

Just text back that you are already committed at that time and suggest a time that is good for you. It's only getting to you because you let it. Well you are stressed right now so you are hypersensitive. As someone already said, she is pretty much powerless. Don't give away your power by letting her little games get to you.

[Tennesseer]

kdamron-you hold all the cards. Don't let anyone convince you you don't.

[Deleted]

Nov 18, 2012 18:59:25 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

kdamron-you hold all the cards. Don't let anyone convince you you don't.

Amen!!!

I have been reading the two threads and wondering why she was bending over backward to please that woman.

Woman you are the current Mrs. X, To his last breath you were/are and will always be the Mrs X. Take that title, own it and tell that biatch where to put it.

Seriously, she should be the one doing the bending over not you, per the law, your marriage license and that fucking ring on your finger you are entitled to everything that was his the minute he passed away.

Biatch better recognize!!!

[Jaguar]

Nov 18, 2012 18:59:25 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

kdamron-you hold all the cards. Don't let anyone convince you you don't.

****YEAH THAT ^^^**** Don't let that bitch tell you otherwise.

[973beachbum]

Nov 18, 2012 10:10:19 GMT -5 @shooby said:

In my opinion, i think you might want to consider burying the ashes in the cemetary. My dad was cremated. And, i did not want to see or view his ashes in anyway and neither did my mom. I have some sort of visceral reaction to that and keep in mind the daughters might as well. If you bury the ashes, it is over and done with, no more fighting and a final resting place. My dad's ashes were buried beside my brother's grave and same tombstone with his name added.
As for the EX, i don't think you should be dealing with her at all. And, certainly not over stuff like this. You can talk to the girls but you dont' need to talk to her only in a a very cursory, blunt but polite and short and sweet way. Don't allow her to draw you into some kind of drama.

Absolutely right! Text her that you will be happy to return whatever to the girls when you see them and leave it at that. It isn't your job to talk to this nut job! Give whatever you want to the girls, of course, but talk to that woman as little as possible and be thankful to have the extra weight out of your life permanently!

Also don't let her badmouthing you get to you. Most people will know what she is doing and the others don't matter. Anyone stupid enough to believe that bunk doesn't deserve to be bothered with IMO.

I hope it starts to get better.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

First, stop right now bending for the Ex. It's not her husband who died - and let her know that you have a lot on your plate to deal with and the ashes will get to the girls in due time - and on your terms - not hers. If she feels she's got control over this, she'll try to control a lot more if you're not firm..

When my DH died, his sister all of a sudden popped back into our life trying to take over everything and get control - I had to be firm and stand my ground with her, so I know where you're coming from.

The girls will not be any worse off for waiting a little bit longer to receive the ashes from you.

[Virgil Showlion]

Nov 18, 2012 10:02:22 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Why do you have to be the good one? So you can set a good example for the girls, and they will remember how well you behaved. So you can always look in the mirror and have no regrets about being petty or mean.

Patience, forbearance, courtesy are important even when it seems like the world is falling apart.

[happyhoix]

"I'd like to jab a pencil in her buggy eye."

I love this sentence. There are a number of people I would love to jab a pencil in their buggy eye, too.

Too bad we have to be polite to each other. Sometimes I'd like to unleash the inner bitch and really bring the whacking stick out, but I just drink a glass of wine (who are we kidding - several glasses) and wait for the urge to pass.

Sorry about all this shit. I'm thinking good thoughts. Go buy a lot of wine.

[Deleted]

just let me know where to go and I'll knock a bitch out.

[Sammy]

Nov 19, 2012 13:20:06 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

just let me know where to go and I'll knock a bitch out.

I'll stand next to you, Jenny. I have no toleration for F'ing swill buckets like her husbands ex. She's an 'ex' for a reason. I would demand that the 'ex' absent herself when the meeting with the girls takes place. Their fathers ashes are the private concern of kdamron and the girls.

kdamron, my deep condolences for your loss. I'm sending you lots of hugs.

[kdamron]

Nov 19, 2012 13:17:31 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

"I'd like to jab a pencil in her buggy eye."

I love this sentence. There are a number of people I would love to jab a pencil in their buggy eye, too.

Too bad we have to be polite to each other. Sometimes I'd like to unleash the inner bitch and really bring the whacking stick out, but I just drink a glass of wine (who are we kidding - several glasses) and wait for the urge to pass.

Sorry about all this shit. I'm thinking good thoughts. Go buy a lot of wine.

Oh yes, lots of wine. I've bought it, I've drank it, I'll be buying more...

I just tell myself that karma has already hit the bitch, she wants to be the grieving widow that she isn't. Let her pretend. She knows in her heart that he stopped loving her long ago.

[kdamron]

Nov 19, 2012 13:20:06 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

just let me know where to go and I'll knock a bitch out.

I'd be glad to buy your plane ticket!!

Seriously, MJ, I hope things are getting better for you too.

[emma1420]

Nov 20, 2012 12:33:46 GMT -5 kdamron said:

I just tell myself that karma has already hit the bitch, she wants to be the grieving widow that she isn't. Let her pretend.

I think you hit the nail on the head here. She wants the attention. And if she can't be the grieving widow then she'll paint herself to be the poor struggling mother who's ex left her nothing to help raise her kids. She sounds like that type of person. All about herself.

You need to put yourself first. Ignore whatever she wants or when she wants it. Do the girls have their own cell phones? So that you can keep in touch with them without involving their mother?