midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 7, 2012 22:08:46 GMT -5
I didn't have a job when DH and I started dating, only worked part time for the three years we were engaged, and was also unemployed when we got married ;D What can I say, he's no YM-er!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2012 8:34:27 GMT -5
All is well with the world again.
Seems baby is back home and dead beat threaten to take the baby away again if ... I don't know and don't care lol.
I was falling asleep when my wife was talking, but the important thing is baby is back home.
Personally I feel he used it as a power show: - he can do it if he wants too - you better listen to me or I'll do it - or whatever point he was trying to prove
I am my Mom's child, I don't handle ultimatums well and my wife learned that early in our relationship. If you are going to issue me an ultimatum you better be ready to back it up all the way.
Like I told my wife and I knew it from the get go: jerk ain't going anywhere no matter how fucked up or dysfunctional their relationship is. He needs her just as much as she needs him, no matter how twisted it sounds.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Nov 8, 2012 8:51:36 GMT -5
I didn't have a job when DH and I started dating, only worked part time for the three years we were engaged, and was also unemployed when we got married ;D What can I say, he's no YM-er! And you have a law degree and passed the bar. I think one has to look at why someone is unemployed/working part time. There are valid reasons and then there are bums.
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fretslider
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Post by fretslider on Nov 8, 2012 9:01:10 GMT -5
How can you slap some sense into some folks?
Like this...
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Nov 8, 2012 9:42:52 GMT -5
"My family would be intervening. My brothers and nephews would be pounding on the door (and then on the loser.) My sister the lawyer would be pushing me though the courts. And the rest of the family would be providing support - emotional, financial and physical."
Here in the 21st century we don't look kindly on vigilante justice. Besides, who are you to cause physical harm to a father holding custody of his child?
"And, IIRC, this guy -- even married -- is a deadbeat who hasn't worked a day in several years. How can he contribute support for this child?"
How much someone works or contributes financially to the financial unit doesn't determine who gets to see the kid or not.
"So he was unemployed 4 years before the baby arrived so kinda hard to sell the story I gave up my career for the baby."
I'm no lawyer, but I don't think that really matters. It's not the courts job to determine who should have a job and support who. Obviously she was okay with it up until that point. Why is it the courts job to argue he should have a job or not? That's a personal decision between the family. And having a job or not shouldn't have any bearing on wheather your're a good parent or not.
My guess is if she wants her child back, she'll have to follow a course of treatment perscribed by a doctor, go to counseling and take her meds, and prove after a period of time she's well.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Nov 8, 2012 9:50:57 GMT -5
"True; but will losing custody of your son only make it worse? Can she recover from it?"
Doesn't matter what's best for mom. The courts make custody decisions based on what's best for the child (and rightfully so).
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 8, 2012 9:56:07 GMT -5
I can see both sides. My biggest issue with the guy is that just 2 weeks ago decided to stay out all night drinking and not come home when his wife had to work and she had to scramble to find back up childcare for their child. If you are a SAHP, you can't do that. Your job is to take care of your child while your spouse works. I think child is just screwed.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 8, 2012 10:37:45 GMT -5
...:::"I don't know of any man who would marry a woman with no job. Most men I know fully expect that their wives will work and always work regardless of family plans.":::...
There are ample discussions on this board concerning the "SAH tradeoff". I think there are a good number of people who would be willing to support a stay at home spouse, if they work out a deal that gives each party what they want, and assuming the numbers work (ie, not so stretched now that a tiny reduction in income sinks the ship).
...:::"...bad choice to make between a deadbeat father and an emotionally unhinged mother.":::...
Again, so long as deadbeat's Mom provides funding, the kid should be OK.
...:::"He needs her just as much as she needs him, no matter how twisted it sounds.":::...
So they have a kind of black doxie thing going on?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2012 10:38:15 GMT -5
How can you slap some sense into some folks? Like this... Kudos!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2012 12:03:33 GMT -5
...:::"He needs her just as much as she needs him, no matter how twisted it sounds.":::... So they have a kind of black doxie thing going on? In a nutshell yes: - massive student loans (but she is a social worker so will get that forgiven in 8-10 years) - 420k house on a 50-60k salary - baby in the mix - unemployed husband - mom makes about 50-60k I would guess (she is one those people if you go to a bank you seat down with to open an account or something like that; they usually have a desk on the side). I am guessing a step above a teller - leasing a Mercedes, Range Rover and a Fiat but the lease on the Range Rover was up or coming up so they are going to finance the remaining balance while the mom is leasing a new Mercedes - a baby in the mix And just found out that her mom took a loan at her bank to be able to pay the mortgage last month... Talk about borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Sent from my iPhone using ProBoards app
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Rocky Mtn Saver
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Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Nov 8, 2012 12:06:57 GMT -5
And just found out that her mom took a loan at her bank to be able to pay the mortgage last month... Talk about borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Is the mom in a kind of position where black marks on her own financial report can jeopardize her job?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2012 12:20:38 GMT -5
And just found out that her mom took a loan at her bank to be able to pay the mortgage last month... Talk about borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Is the mom in a kind of position where black marks on her own financial report can jeopardize her job? Don't know, maybe not. I know when they were purchasing their current home her own bank turn her down for a loan. I don't know much, but I would think that if the bank you've worked at for the past decade or so turn you down for a mortgage it was a clear sign that you could not afford it to begin with. But someone else approved them and they got their home. Sent from my iPhone using ProBoards app
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 8, 2012 12:23:31 GMT -5
You're not supposed to get loans where you work. When I worked for the bank many years ago, they wanted me to move my mortgage from their bank to another. I told them NO.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 8, 2012 12:25:56 GMT -5
You're not supposed to get loans where you work. When I worked for the bank many years ago, they wanted me to move my mortgage from their bank to another. I told them NO. Why not? I do mortgage work for a few banks, and I've done closings for bank employees. In fact, one bank gives a 1% discount on the interest rate for employees, that's one of their employment perks.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 8, 2012 12:44:01 GMT -5
This was back in the stone age! Late 70s.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 8, 2012 16:08:32 GMT -5
...:::"This was back in the stone age! Late 70s.":::... So back when you fine ladies were infants? ...:::"leasing a Mercedes, Range Rover and a Fiat...":::... Wow, they added a THIRD leased car?!?!??!? Last you mentioned them, it was just the Merc and the Rover! The Fiat is the cousin's car isn't it? Ladies love that car because its "cute".
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 8, 2012 16:12:26 GMT -5
Thank you, WWBG. I actually told them that I had this mortgage before I entered their employ, they knew it upfront, and that I would have it long after I left their employ. All of which was true!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 8, 2012 16:13:37 GMT -5
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 8, 2012 16:53:32 GMT -5
...:::" ":::... I didn't mean that as an insult. I've seen several women first hand, including my DW, talk about how the Fiat is a "cute" car (and the Smart, and the Mini). I'm just assuming that if Mom drives the Benz (pretending to be a successful bank exec) and Deadbeat drives the Range Rover (rugged but rich), the one who is bankrolling all this stuff wants something too...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2012 17:01:07 GMT -5
...:::" ":::... I didn't mean that as an insult. I've seen several women first hand, including my DW, talk about how the Fiat is a "cute" car (and the Smart, and the Mini). I'm just assuming that if Mom drives the Benz (pretending to be a successful bank exec) and Deadbeat drives the Range Rover (rugged but rich), the one who is bankrolling all this stuff wants something too... Yes the cousin is the one driving the Fiat. I believe I made a thread about that because both my wife and I couldn't believe it and that is when we said F*ck it, we will just worry about us. She got it shortly after leaving the mental ward, like a week or 2 in because she was tired of taking public transportation to work. Sent from my iPhone using ProBoards app
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 8, 2012 20:15:45 GMT -5
You need to distance yourselves from those train wrecks and refuse to listen to any family talk about them. Change the subject or hang up the phone.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Nov 9, 2012 13:40:56 GMT -5
Yeah, I remember the thread about the Fiat.
Also - just a comment, I was thinking about this last night. You always say that you have the habit of playing devil's advocate in discussing these things with your wife - don't do that this time. Your wife doesn't want to hear you defending a deadbeat loser taking a child from her mother. She'll wonder if maybe when she has kids that you might do the same to her. It's fine to discuss who would be a more fit parent on a message board, but I wouldn't do the same in conversations with your wife.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 9, 2012 13:57:31 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2012 19:20:14 GMT -5
This thing is freaking insanity and all I can do is shake my head.
Seems like he moved out since his birthday, he just came home to take his son and the Range Rover.
So he let the baby come home for 1 night and she dropped him off in the morning. She was supposed to get the baby last night and he refused to give him to her, so again the crying. Also she did not go to work today.
Since this drama started it seems she has missed work at least one day a week. So my wife and MIL are afraid she might lose her job.
My wife told her mom that they need to encourage her to keep on going to work, get back on her medication if she is off them, and seek medical/professional help. She needs to get better, not worse.
It seems he has been calling her, harassing her and making threats on a regular and that is not helping. I told my wife to tell them to tell her to stop answering the phone.
Now what I need your opinion on, it seems the Range Rover is under the cousin and her mom's . I told my wife if anything happens while he is driving they are liable. So I told her she needs to : - get the car back - close their checking account/ savings - every credit card he has access too
Because knowing the guy he will take every penny she has and run up credit cards. But my wife said they don't want to do anything drastic or something that might make it worse...
My MIL and he aunt are really worried. Also seems what started it all was his mom, she found out that his name was not on the house (deed or mortgage) and it was just my wife cousin and her mother. So he has been pushing for it and it seems it requires my wife aunt to sign off on it and she refused.
So I was right: that was his big move to force them into doing what he wants and jeopardizing his wife mental state in the process.
She married a winner didn't she!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 9, 2012 19:32:10 GMT -5
You can't just sign off the deed and put him on it. The mortgage company has to agree.
She needs to get away from that idiot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2012 19:37:30 GMT -5
It seems they did get a lawyer but not sure for what: custody or divorce.
But I told my wife knowing her cousin not to hold her breath, after all this drama and crap she might take him back.
So we are Switzerland in this case: bystanders and not getting involved. As I told my wife I have enough on my plate right now and they are the least of my worries.
My MIL told my wife that she prays for her cousin everyday before she prays for my wife because her cousin need it more..
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Nov 9, 2012 19:51:36 GMT -5
Me oh my, what a lot of turmoil. I feel tired just reading about it, I can't imagine living it. I am sure it is causing a lot of tension for a lot of people in your family. Sorry to hear that and I think you are smart to stay out of it because it doesn't sound like they are interested in heading advice.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2012 19:58:39 GMT -5
You can't just sign off the deed and put him on it. The mortgage company has to agree. She needs to get away from that idiot. Thank you but I guess no one told him that. At least it is making my wife appreciate me more Sent from my iPhone using ProBoards app
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 9, 2012 20:00:20 GMT -5
I'm with Susan, that sounds absolutely exhausting. I know some people who seem to thrive on a high level of drama (and am related to most of them ), but it's one of those things I just can't wrap my head around. No good answers, unfortunately. Best-case scenario, he either becomes a model husband or vanishes into the dead of night, and she starts intensive counseling/medication immediately, and they start taking steps to downgrade the lifestyle they can't afford... but the chances of that happening are probably slim.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 9, 2012 22:18:26 GMT -5
CAIWIAU. I laughed at MIL prayers. It's OK. God will hear the prayers about you wife too. My Mom and my grandma prayed "not my will Lord but yours" Sometimes I think my parents are brainwashed cult members but I figure if their thinking is too messed up the Lord will straighten them out while he is at it. She needs to hire a divorce attorney. Ask for custody and close the cc's and take back the car. I got divorced in another life. When I thought "my ex won't do that". I was wrong. My attorney was right. Get the car back. If a prop settlement says he gets it she can get it back. BIL had issues with this too. She hid car in a relative's garage. If she can find car she should get it back. Isn't the house/ condo upside down? 1/2 of -10,000 is -$5,000. Maybe she should trade the debt for custody Sent from my MB855 using proboards
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